Hi all,
I need to write this to try and express the mental problems I have which revolve around gambling. 2 days ago I lost £300, which although may not be alot (compared to other stories) is playing on my mind and all I am thinking about is chasing the loss.
I have gambled since I was 12 and loved the thrill of playing a fruit machine and navigating the boards etc, then when i turned 18 started betting in casinos, bookies and online.
My problem is this, when im winning i feel great, and i initially only set out to win like £20 but once i have that I want more and more and more. If i play and im up £90 and I lose it, i dont feel like I have broke even, I feel like I have lost £90 and i then get annoyed at myself and tell myself to chase it back. Everytime I have done this to date I have luckily got myself out of the hole and won it back, and once at my definition of break even i can walk away and not gamble for say a month or two. But then the cycle will repeat. I am especially bad with online gaming because to me the money isnt physical cash, its just numbers and I can keep on depositing to chase upping my bets as I go because I think the bet will come in at some point.
That £300 that I mentioned earlier was £100 deposited funds £200 profit made on it but because I could have cashed it out at any point I've lost £300 that's how I feel. That betting account was set up to spend on trips away etc with the gf and I told her as I was losing it because she could see it on my face. She told me to just get over it because its not the end of the world and I know its not but despite knowing that I still want it back. Its playing on my mind for the last two days and its interfearing with things i ought to be doing instead. I have £2000 in my bank so lets just goto the casino and put £300 on black and get it back then i'll be fine. But what if i lose another £300 - it will then be bet £600 and then im down £1200 - at this point i will have lost control of my emotions and I wont be a pretty sight ( this has happened before so thats how I know what would happen ) - at some point I am going to chase my losses and it will be the end. I won't win my money back (which always calms me down in the past) instead i will lose and with it my life savings which is enough for a house deposit.
You are probably reading this and saying this guy knows that if he losses then its game over so he must be ok, but I am not, I still want that £300 back, such a waste of money. The most annoying thing is i start out with small bets £5, £10 so my potential winnings are minimal but when i lose i will double up everytime to get it back, so I either lose or break even but never win big. What the heck is wrong with me, my gambling doesn't make any sense!
I don't know how to let go, its festering away at me. I feel like if i lose all my money then I physically know i cant chase it so then the loss will defaultly be accepted (but my life will crumble as a result). I want to say its £300 just get over it, but i dont know how to. Its so easy to walk into a casino and try get it back.
In the past when i win back losses i could go months without gambling again because I know i was in a state and i say never again but theres always a next time, the lure of easy money is too appealing. I want to be able to swallow this loss. If I can do that I know that I will be ok, but i feel like whenever i see a bookie or casino ill want to try and get it back.
I have banned myself from nearly every online site going, I am usually ok until i play BJ but i dont even play live BJ which makes it worse because the virtual ones are guarenteed to be designed against you! - god im an idiot.
I feel i need to write this as a form of release. I know my problem isnt to the scale of others but my symptoms are the same and I don't want to go down the road of destruction. I feel like if I can let this go then I will be fine, but I don't know how to let go, especially when i have the funds to try win it back.
Anyone understand my feelings? what do you do. I wish I could tell my 12 year old self to step away from the machines. I cant remember any good times coming from gambling.
Sorry if my problems seem insignificant to yourselves, it is having a disproportionate affect on me 🙁
Hi, everyone deserves a reply that is why you posted. You are on the road to destruction, take me I came here I posted a little, I had a lot of money, thought i'm cured, how may times did i go back thinking this is easy money, can't tell you. I should have been retiring next year. That day is never further away for me. Unless you take your addication to gambling (money) very seriously you will go down to your rock bottom, is that zero funds?. You sound young enough to beat this and recover, the horror stories are on here to read and they are true, do you want to become one of them. My advice is read Duncan Mac's diary, he came within a day of losing his house, but he has recovered from that awful position, accept like the rest of us who are trying you are a cg and always will be, but you can stop, look at tri's diary and duncan's. Good luck
Hi and welcome, you are far from alone.
I too started young on the fruit machines, which then lead to wasting 20 + years and over tens of thousands of pounds on them, either off or on line.
Many of us, know exactly where you are coming from, either because we've been there or are still there.
One of the problems, why compulsive gamblers can't win, is they can't stop, so it doesn't matter if they are £5 or £500 up, they will eventually lose that money, either there and then, or some days/months down the line. It is also common for compulsive gamblers to see a profit disappear and still feel they have lost. I've done both of those things, many, many times in my life.
The abstaining for a period, is also very common, gamblers remorse I and others call it, but gamblers remorse doesn't last long, sometimes it's just a day, sometimes it's a few months, but a compulsive gambler, will eventually get over their last loss and start the whole cycle again.
You can break that cycle for good, but of course it takes a lot of determination/willpower and in most cases support, because the first two, will only last for so long, before, the cycle gets broke.
You've made a postive start by closing down online account, but you'll need to look at other steps to put in the relevant blocks. If you have a good read around the forums, you'll see many suggestions, included, getting a card with no debit card facility, giving your card to another family member, putting on blocking software on devices such as phones/laptops etc...
Stick around and have a good read of the forums and see if you fancy starting a diary in the recovery diaries section.
I sat here reading your post knowing exactly how your feeling , the times I've though " I'll set out to make £50 , £ 100 today " and like yourself if I did I'd then move the goal a little higher until usually it all went back plus a lot more as I tried to get everything back plus interest .
Were Compulsive Gamblers so I don't need to tell you that it's not really about the money , that just keeps us funded to keep playing and indulging our addiction , which justfy's itself with the fact that enough will never be enough and we'll never win because we'll never stop .
I really could never stop until the day I let all the losses go and that's coming up for nearly a year now , I can't say how I came to my Eureka moment but I did , lifes much better these days without Gambling in it , so I hope you have your moment and find a way of letting go so that in a few months I'm reading your diary and seeing your gamble free :))
I wish you well my friend
Alan
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