As a compulsive Gambler for more than twenty years I regard myself as very much in the early days of my recovery but at the same time I am proud that I have now reached 625 since my last bet - of any sort. I've even stopped participating in raffles and wont play games that have 'free' gambling within them - those that give you a daily spin for logging in. 100% abstinance, maybe tomorrow I will fail, I will relapse, who knows. For today however I will choose not to gamble, I can control today, I can make that choice for the next hour, the next few hours, for the rest of today - whatever happens, whatever life throws at me, I will choose to not gamble.
I often read these pages but have stopped posting as much but there is something about this time of year that hits home hard when I think of my addicition. I recall the pressure I felt, with family life and my hidden secret, a decent job and salary, a generous nature and yet massive debt that was taking 50% of my wage just to keep it at bay.
I had what I wanted, a home, a family, a marriage and amazing, healthy children, so much to be grateful for and yet I chose - on a daily basis to gamble.
If you face the same addiction as me you will no doubt have read plenty of times the need for the addict to want to stop and I couldn't agree with this more.
In April 2017 I hope I hit my rock bottom and whilst things are far from perfect, the scars run deep, the financial, mental and even physical damage remains, I am living my life again. This Christmas my family will have presents, nothing extravagent but low cost and meaningful presents, that I don't resent buying, in fact I have enjoyed buying them and I look forward to giving them out.
Anyway, to the point of me posting here, I remember all too well how lonely I felt during the festive season, surrounded by loved ones but lonely. My heart and thoughts go out to any of you in that place right now, it's horrible, soul-destroying and not something I'd wish on my worst enemy.
Honestly, the best thing I have ever done is to confess. To take control of my addicition, to accept that I had been making choices for many years and that there would be consequences as I confessed to my addiciton, however, no matter how serious those consequences might be, no matter how much hurt I might cause others it was a better choice than the one to carry on gambling and it was.
625 days on and I still don't know whether I have caused too much damage to my marriage, most days are OK, some are great but there are many challenges - is life too short for that, who knows and that's for another forum but I do know that I am respected by my loved ones, not for my actions of the past but for my determination to own my addiction.
So I wanted to send my thoughts to those facing a tough Christmas, unable to buy presents, unable to be fully present during family time and I really want to encourage you to get through today without gambling. just today, don't worry about tomorrow for now, just today - own it, make the choice (and yes you have a choice) and choose to not gamble.
I'd love you to also take the next step and tell somone, be it gamcare, a loved one, a friend or even a stranger but break that seal, let your secret out of the bag, then be kind to yourself, breath, drink some water and congratulate yourself, you will have taken a big step forward and as an addict that is having a reminising moment, give yourself the best possible Christmas present, give yourself the opportunity to live your life free from gambling. For all the challenges and consequences I still face I wouldn't change the last 625 days for anything.
A final musing, thank you to all those that help, the people that share their stories so openly and frankly, the journey is different for us all. Thank you Gamcare for providing this platform, I wish it was not needed but it's one part of the jigsaw that helped save my life and lastly thank you to the frends and family members that give up so much time to post from a different persepctive, I know I have thanked you before but honestly reading your perspectives and experiences have helped me no end and I shall be eternally grateful to each of you
Merry Christmas everyone
Dan,
I am a compulsive gambler yet today I will choose to not gamble.
Hi Dan, my cg is on 585. We can only hope that someone heard and listened even if they don't stay. Information is vital. You will have a far better Christmas with a clear head. Giving back and helping others is all part of recovery. I wish you and whoever reads this a happy Christmas! Thanks
Thank you Compulsive Gambler and Merry Go Round.
Those words send out a powerful message and I am sure that many on the diaries will relate to what you have written.
I wish you and everyone on the diaries peace, contentment and happiness over the festive period and throughout the year ahead...stephen
thank you both, best wishes to you
I'm always late to the party. But.. Although not Christmas that is valuable advice for every day.
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