100 Days Gamble Free

100 days gamble free. So what do I say about that ? Not sure. Do I feel like celebrating - not really. I feel riddled with guilt and shame for my past which is not going away but the 12 steps should hopefully help me to come to terms with that. After 44 years of an ever downward cycle in gambling addiction did I think back in November I could do 100 days without having any form of bet ? No. Did I think I could do 100 minutes, maybe. 

I guess this post means more to anyone reading who is at an even earlier stage than me. Don't get me wrong, I will never be fixed. I can never have another single bet in my life - not a lottery ticket, raffle or anything which is risk and reward. Not even a free scratch card. All I can do is work on myself, one day at a time to be the best possible version of Stuart one small step at a time, for the rest of my life. Maybe those reading this who have years of abstinence behind them can think back to when they hit 100 days ?

I guess I should talk briefly about what the 100 days has felt like. Anyone who has read "my story" on the recovery diaries section will know how hard this has been.

Day one - blocks in place, OMFG I felt awful. Depression and anxiety suppressed for years all came out.

Week one - felt so depressed. Hopeless, worried about the future but threw myself into recovery as I knew i needed a lot and still do the same amount. Spoke to the advisors on here who were utterly amazing...2am 3 am etc. Slept a lot. Prescribed anti-depressants and put on mental health waiting list (still on the waiting list)

Week two - Pink cloud starts to appear. On chatrooms on here all the time. Started to build my support network. Started walking a lot. Amazing counselling started at Breakeven and I joined my local GA meeting which has been amazing 

Week three - sleep was getting better but then got sacked. Expected but hurt after 26 years. Started going to GA meetings online as well as my home group in person. 

Week four - starting to feel a bit better. Still no urges and gambling revolts me. Start watching youtube gambling addiction stories which really help to understand. Doing research on websites. Complaining to the bookmakers - waste of time but was very angry. 

Week five - still getting better but riddled with guilt and shame. GA going well, loving the chatrooms and replying to people on here. Reached out to talk to various podcasters and people working in this space and got replies which was amazing. Started to think about what i wanted to do in the future and started to know it was in this space once I get through the first year. 

Week six I think was a bit bumpy. Depression hasn't gone and it's actually got worse but I am noticing each bit of recovery whether it's chatrooms on here, reading topics, watching videos or going to GA was a bit of medicine to uplift me so upped the amount I was doing as no job and house was tidy and under control.

Week seven - really bad. Lots of walking. Thoughts coming in through blind spots, not direct gambling but more going back to old ways of thinking, speaking and acting

Week Eight - Connection is really starting to mean something after 44 years of isolating and not being present. I'm talking to everyone and listening. My relationship with my children gets a million times better. My partner is trying to understand and I am giving her all the time she needs. My journey isn't her journey. I can't tell her which road to take, she must decide that for herself. I'm also embroiled in this so I am seeing results where as her recovery from harm will move at a different pace. 

Week Nine - finally sort out my debt and get them all on £1 per month. Stress relief was massive and I was feeling good. Anti-Depressants were starting to work, counselling working even better than before. A new thinking was starting to take over of being the best person I can. The sayings at GA are taking even more meaning to me.

Week Ten - Noticing support from my parents. They were really hurt finding out for the 100th time that I had never given up

Week Eleven - Pink cloud is starting to disappear. Need to work harder on myself and started the 12 steps at GA. Three weeks to get the big book so a bit stop start. Thrown out of the house and then moved back in

Week Twelve - Pink cloud gone and I am on my own. All the new recovery stuff does not have that lustre but I still enjoy it and know I have 44 years of robotic behaviour as a slave to the addiction to get through. A lot of trauma from my life.

Week Thirteen - BANG. Police contact about the fraud and I feel like I am back to day one. Everyone is being supportive but they have not been in this situation. I have to own up to it and take life on, on lifes terms. Easier said than done. Depression like never before. Anxiety, Guilt, Shame, still can't understand why I did it. Absolute nightmare week. Hits my partner really hard and I am asked to leave again which I understand. This time away for nearly a week before being asked to come back. Tough trying to manage looking after two disabled children and parents both in their mid 80s, of which my father is bed ridden after a series of strokes. 

Week Fourteen - Gamlearn get in touch and offer support with the criminal justice system and put me in touch with a solicitor to represent me. Interview delayed until mid March. Really tough going thinking about it all and where it might end up. Realised that the reason I haven't been playing golf is that I need to be punished. After what I have done, why should I enjoy myself ever again. 

Day 100 - Had to go into a branch and change my mobile number on my bank account to get into the app. Why on earth I went to the same town as my old company is, I don't know. I could have gone to a different one. The minute I got to the branch I was starting to feel anxious about seeing someone from the company I ran. Went to buy a sandwich and had a complete meltdown and was unable to pay for it. Just didn't know how to use my card to pay and had to get help from someone. Couldn't get out of the town quick enough. Walking with my head down. Pulled my beanie down as far as it would go so I wouldn't be recognised and at one point removed my glasses until I nearly fell over. Massive anxiety and got in the car and rang my sponsor.

Sorry this post doesn't sound that positive to anyone reading it but 19th November at 1134am was the last time I had a bet. The day before that was the last time I told and was even able to tell another lie so that is 101 days with no lies or deceit. 

Do I like the life I have now - today that is ?

Do I like the person I am ?

Do I want to continue to be gamble free ?

Do I still want to connect with people and the world ?

Do I want to carry on with GA and the 12 Steps ?

Do I want to continue to have my mind unlocked through counselling ?

Do I want to make amends with everyone ?

Do I want to be there for my children and partner ?

Do I want to work on myself each day to be the best person I possibly can each day ?

Do I want to visit chatrooms everyday and talk to my friends on there ?

Hell yes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!