Eyup Guys
Thought I would start one of these diaries and try and keep it updated, been here before...too many times
Been gambling since I can remember really, as a kid on the slots etc, then in the pubs as a youth on the bandits, signs were there looking back but no real problems until around 10 years ago when I discovered online betting and the exchanges. My god how much I wish I had never discovered them, they have ruined my life.
I was mid 20's had my own business (very small, nothing that was going to make me a millionaire, but I set it up at 21/22 out of £50 dole money and grew it from there.
Banks were throwing money at me loans/credit cards etc got in a little over my head sorted it out with a loan, but started to panic a little bit as business started to drop off, bills/debts started to grow..How can I make up the gap easiest possible way? Yep gambling, obviously ..Genius Idea why had I not thought of that before?
Of course you don't really need me to tell you what happened, needless to say I wouldn't be here if that had worked out.
Dug my whole so much bigger, lost the business, fell out with people, stole from loved ones, went bankrupt, suffered a break down and severe anxiety and depression (which is the price I am still paying now, 6/7 years after going bankrupt etc)
Carried on gambling until may 2012 when after the usual week of P****** into the wind , walked out of the bookies and thought, screw this cr** I'm done, remember having this weird feeling of relief and of a weight being lifted, went to a Gamblers anonymous meeting (carried on going for about 6 weeks) and stayed totally gamble free for 20 and half months.
Unfortunately Just after Xmas a loved one was gambling in front of me and I said it was fine, I had gone almost 600 days without a bet..I was free of it as far as I was concerned ...I was wrong...very very wrong
cue a 2 month binge, scarily how quick I was back into that ''place'' / ''zone'' you go into, took a matter of days I think, I really can't stand that person,an Illness or not it makes me someone I am not.
I've had a rough few years with poor health and no job but the gamble free 20 months was much better than years before.
Anyway, I went to a GA meet in mid Jan as a promise to my Other half, came out more positive, however she was playing poker when I came back and I knew I would be gambling the next day after that, (I don't blame her, it was just a bit thoughtless)
so I carried on wasting money I can't afford, time I don't have to waste.
Then a few weeks ago I decided it had to stop and that I was becoming that person I don't like very much all over again so forced myself to another GA meeting and it did me some good, instead of gambling everyday I went all week without a bet, expect a small one on the football coupon on sat afternoon (the only bet I ever really enjoyed anyway as it was small stakes and stress free) then I went last week again and done another week of no gambling until a small stake on the footy coupons today with my last open account (which I have just closed)
I am happy with my progress in that since going to GA I have lost maybe £20 in 2 weeks ..it would be easy 10x that most likely, however I don't think having the odd weekend bet is good enough..I need to stop ..full stop, I think its the only way, I've had enough of it all anyway now
I have lost too much....too much money...too many friends and most of all too much of my life to this addiction, its not having any more from me, you've got me beat, you've beaten me to within a inch of taking my own life, you have destroyed me and I hate you with a passion...I am done
This is going to be harder than the last time but I will prevail and be the best I can be once again.
Day 1 - last bet 15th of March 2014
Good luck everyone
Ey up, there's not a lot i want to add to what you wrote as you have pretty much said it all yourself.
I just want to wish you luck in your journey mate and i really hope you find a long term solution on these pages.
Reading your post is a great reminder of how not to ever get complacent. Im 6 months in to my 1st proper attempt to stop and im feeling good but as one regular member of this forum, Rainman says daily, Guard up.
If i can give you any advice it would be to totally draw a line under it all, small bets only lead to big bets when the small bets occasionaly win. You can never win, you will just put it all back in.
Hi PlasticDream, thank you for your update my friend, i'm sorry it isn't in better circumstances.
You have been here for three year on and off my friend - you know the drill, you know where you went wrong; whenever you fall, it is essential that you not only regroup, but ensure that you never make that mistake again.
There is one fundamental mistake that you keep making my friend, and that is making any kind of bet; you feel that is does no harm, but there is little doubt that it does a lot of harm to your subconscious - it may not make you want to gamble more at the time, but you never know how much it could affect you or influence you somewhere down the line.
I have seen it countless, countless times in my seven years here. You cannot seperate an "innocent" bet from a life-changing bet that either wins or loses - it all counts towards keeping you in a world which you want to get out of; there is no other way apart from zero tolerance and if you truly want to stop, then you will do exactly that my friend.
I made those mistakes before stopping over five years ago - I used to eat my lunch and dinner in the Bookmakers without gambling, I used to go to penny arcades, I used to give money to my partner to put in the machines - it never worked, all it did was keep everything fresh in my mind, stored up for the next time I felt vulnerable.
It isn't just gambling my friend, you need to change and re-evaluate your life completely my friend - you have had an excellent run, clocking up 20 months which is an excellent achievement. You know what to do, you know what you need to put in place to ensure this won't happen again, you know that you need to keep posting before this kind of thing happens, not afterwards.
I wish you well PlasticDream. You have been through a lot and done better than some ever will; the next step is to take this up a couple of levels - if you can stop for 20 months, you can stop for 20 years - however strong the urge, tomorrow is almost always a better day; learn to ride the storm again my friend.
JamesP
Excellent wise words JamesP, have you thought about writing a book ? You could probably write most of it by copying/pasting all of your posts here. Something like 'The friendly guide to quitting gambling...permanently'. Even if you self-published it as an E-book I for one would want to buy it, & i'm sure many others would do too.
I agree with you 100%, there is no such thing as one bet to a compulsive gambler. Stop & stay stopped - completely, not even the lottery. This is also the GA belief.
I was doing OK recently then someone very close passed away (at just 42) I then played a freeroll poker tournament (using the 'points' i'd accrued), placed high, won £4.82. That started a binge over 4 weeks where i lost £2.5k or so. Freerolls are there to lure you back in, as are 'free bet' offers etc. The industry knows what it is doing, it knows the addictive power of gambling & how even a small enticement can suck someone back in. I notice how with online accounts i haven't used for a while i get emails from bookies & poker sites offering me free tournament tokens, free bets etc. A cynical, greedy mouth I do not want to feed anymore.
On day 5 now gamble-free, this really has to be it.
Davey,
if you want my advice, close every single one of those websites down, self excluding.
I had accounts with every sports betting firm possible, not just the biggies, all the little ones that spring up here and there.
I went through each and everyone of them eventually telling them i wanted my account closing/self excluding as i had problems with gambling. At 1st i skirted around it, then by the 3rd or 4th i was just very up front and they don't challenge or question you, its done instantly, and the emails, texts, calls stop, i promise you that. No temptation.
Eyup guys
So I am back here again, over a year later, I stopped gambling on the 31st march 2014, going to GA meetings probably 3 times a month and managed to do another year, the day after I got my 1 year pin from GA, unfortunately I found myself in the bookies (I had found the year fairly easy apart from the last couple of weeks when I got itchy feet) that 1st bet put me back to square one, and I proceeded to lose everything I had saved in that year out of the gamble bubble in around a week or 2, this was back in early April and since then its been none stop gamble mode, I have gone to a few meets at GA and been honest but hate going back and going through the same c**P of why I have been such a n*b and took none of the advice onboard and just continued on the same self destructive path of gambling, losing not just money but my dignity, self worth, mental health and what feels like some of my soul bit by bit with every press, every struck bet, every slip that is one goal short of bringing in a acca etc etc, its all one big mindf***
I did 18/19+ months on my own then another year with GA and my life was although not amazing ...so much better without the dark lord gamblor hovering over my every waking moment, everyone who is currently free of this addiction, I must warn you about one of our worst enemies and that is complacency, do not get complacent it will come and bite you in the a*s.
yours in Unity
PD
Hi PlasticDream
So sorry to hear about your lapse. Coming back here shows your committment to getting back on the wagon - maybe you can also find it in yoursef to go back to GA? And/or, you could try counselling. If you give our Helpline a ring on 0808 8020 133 we'd be happy to talk you through the options.
Also, as you said you wanted this to be a diary, I've moved this thread to the Diaries section.
Best wishes
Deirdre
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