Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Have another good satisfying day Duncs, and enjoy that walk over the THE HILL lol, that I know sooo well.

Keep on keeping on abstaining and maintaining and keep winning my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Hi D M,

Thanks for the thoughtful post on my diary.

Firstly, congratulations on your own recovery. You are very giving of your time, always writing on other diaries. You are someone that I'm sure many of us respect and admire. I certainly do. You also pop in on my own diary at important moments, and that means a lot.

As to the 'issue' on the 12th, I haven't written about it in full on my diary because it looks like I'm attention-seeking and inviting people to write 'don't do it'. I'm not. Any fool can see it's better not to gamble, and I don't need telling. I am not in a position, for various reasons, to declare to the world that I'm a CG - that's why I use this site. Especially not to my brother. We will be alone in a gambling situation, on holiday, for 4 days. He likes the odd casino bash but is not a CG. He plays roulette, which I am not bothered about. He will find it v v strange if I opt out, since he is no doubt really looking forward to it, since we only do it 4 times a decade. He has organised it all. I will get away with one trip to the casino; I'll either limit what I take and play roulette on low stakes all night, which is reasonably safe for me, or I'll arrange it for the last night and then feign illness when the evening comes. But that would be a shame for him, and I don't really want that. I just wrote it on my diary so I can see what my thoughts are in the future; i occasionally reread it.

Sorry to hijack your diary with my recovery, you are THE MAN and I salute you!

Mm

*edit*

I only see my brother a couple of times a year

Evening diary

Milkman fella I don't need an explanation as to the finer details of the upcoming events but thanks for sharing, I understand how fortunate that I am to be in a position where I can freely tell the world of my shortfalls because for me it's like the ultimate block, a two fingered salute straight into addictions face.

Funny because for twenty years I kept my own gambling a 'dirty' secret, by outing the truth that I am a recovering compulsive gambler meant that the power addiction held over me was gifted to me.

Addiction hates it, it wanted to keep me all to itself.

Today we had another seriously busy day in the kitchen at work, something that I relish.

Life is today gifted consistently, because formulating recovery delivers amazing things.

Please take what is on offer.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well a good night's kip and off to face another day's graft shortly, my body crying out for a day's rest but hey I have been here before many times, the new chef is back on board today so next week I will be re addressing my work/life balance.

So two days to go, more menu ideas to trial.

Sarah is coming to the end of her own break from school, a shame that we haven't got to enjoy a few days together but I know and accept that life doesn't always work out that way, she has kept herself amused with stuff about the house and some craft projects she has on the go.

Life today is one of simple pleasures, simple means and a far cry from the life I cast for my family for many many years.

I no longer care for what the 'jones' are doing over the fence, good luck to them, to boot I don't care for what the outside world's view of me is, I know that as long as I am satisfied with my lot that's all that matters in the big scheme of things.

Recovery constantly evolves, but to the positive effect of all it has contact with, with recovery there are no outside chances taken, no laying in bed thinking Coulda, woulda, shoulda, no more lying, deceiving the folk in my life, no more hating work, scheming and the postman is no longer my enemy.

So what do I miss out on through choosing abstinence that would draw me back to lay that first punt?

The FUN?

That's quite funny to look at, kind of nonsensical.

So just for today I will give it a miss.

Stake all I have on recovery.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

on route to work,taking the bus today, eleven hard days on the bounce and my legs don't want to ride the ten miles today. So I treated them to a rest. This morning I have woken up very tired,my body yelling out for rest,tomorrow it can have it, today will be a hard day,addiction of course jumped all over it, I know the drill we have walked this road many times,I made myself tea and read some threads,the bitter pill that was to read Stu has been gifting addiction his time and money to addiction sweetened by deanyboy poking two fingers up to addiction.my resolve gifted my mind strong,addiction sulked off to the dark recess of my mind.today I will enjoy that fact. Because I am all in for making the right choice for me.abstain and maintain

duncs stepping forward never back.

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Morning diary.

Well got through yesterday, a very tough day, a day where it seemed every customer demanded more for their money and in each case their demands were met the result being the fridges were pretty baron by close of play, meaning I stopped on to replenish them in doing so I gifted myself peace of mind for my day's rest today.

So early to bed and up with the larks, ran the hounds over the h#il #l, the quarry suprised at our early presence, lol even the biggest rabbits still managed to find refuge in the undergrowth

The result is that the hounds are now peacefully dreaming and will do for the foreseeable.

Result! Lol

So a day off, the first in a while, I have some beans in soak a good hot chilli in the makings for supper, the easy option lol

Yesterday's observer to read and nothing much else to achieve

In truth just what the doctor ordered.

Today I understand that every thing I do in my life has knock on effects for others, by commitment to making the right most educated choice it means that not only does it feel like I am no longer always left holding the s#hi#tty end of the stick but I also know that unlike throughout my gambling life I don't simply pass that stick uncaringly on to those folk I profess to hold dear.

My relationship with them grows as a result, that feeds my resolve to take a stand to continue this path.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Enjoy your relaxing well deserved day off Duncs.

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

Suzanne Thanks for popping by.

Wow what a difference a day makes!

Today I have a spring in my step, today I feel reinvigorating, a great day off, r and r, a good couple of walks with the hounds and the chilli delicious, lol our joe opted to pass on supper and dine out not before he caught a glimpse of the pot,I use skirt steak cut into strips,slowly braised with a few different types of beans and a good hot dose of sauce and some marinated sweet red chillies ,deeply satisfied we caught up on all the tv I missed last week and i was rewarded with a deep peaceful sleep.

I have work later but just a few hours today and tomorrow i will take another day's rest.

I have used this analogy before

All through my own gambling life I felt like each day i boarded a train which was heading straight towards a cliff,well more likely i strapped myself to the front of said train, each day it would charge towards the cliff and I would see the impending doom,yet every day that train would turn at the last second, i would survive.

Survival came in many forms, on a rare occasion i would win but more often than not winning came from 'getting away' with another lie,deceiving someone into refunding my losses through me casting more lies and lastly and most ridiculously the days i would waste hours gambling to eventually break even and walk away convincing myself that I was a winner.

With each lie, loss and self gifted mind f**k I would be first at the station eager to mount the same train.

Eventually i emotionally did plummet over that cliff,gambling took victory, I was beaten to the point where I could take no more, i hold no shame in admitting my loss,shame would come through repeating the same event.

Today I board the train, i will do all my life, but today I have a seat in the carriage at the back, the recovery carriage, from it I get to enjoy lifes ride, to marvel the view and at the the close of each day I get to disembark at a destination of my choosing not addictions.

I have a choice to make each day, I have subscribed to it for life.

To strap myself to the front or enjoy the comfort and great company at the back.

Just for today I choose the back carriage, please join me.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks duncs keep safe and keep making the right choices. You're doing so well today

DMac,

How are you doing old timer. Long time no speak. I trust you are well.

I just popped on to check on some old friends and although I am sad to read of S.A's troubles it makes me happy to read about your continued abstinence and progress.

I am a long time off a bet and not long off my first pin. Gambling in not in my life today and I am grateful for that.

Coming on this forum can be a sobering experience for me sometimes. I can read a diary of someone at their rock bottom starting off on their journey and you can see the pain they are in. I hope everyone finds the same path you have found for yourself.

Tomso.

Morning diary.

Thanks for your kind words superfluous man,fella I am awarded something every day i decide to continue recovery, that is my prize,it is something I simply wish to share.

Tomso,my old friend great to hear from you, we trod through a great deal together, the fact that your gamble free is heartwarming,it ccompels me to relentlessly pursue recovery and sharing it's rewards.

So I had a proper day off yesterday, refreshed from the easy start to the week i got up with the larks, wandered across the hi#ll with the hounds then set about sorting the garden, mowed the lawn, next doors lawn and the folks opposite who are abroad and tidied the boarders,cleaned our windows and planted more seeds harvested from the meadows last year.

My other neighbour opposite on the other side came out and enquired 'you coming here next??'

We laughed and had a good talk, he is the newest resident to our terrace and commented on how pleasant it is, he asked if I always cut everyone's grass,to which i said 'if it needs cutting i do' he said he had never seen anything like that before, I explained that today I do many things that folk don't expect, I told him of my addiction and of the recovery process I pursue to which he replied that he was addicted to coccaine for six years and had been in rehab for 4 months some years ago and he to is a twelve stepper.

He is I found out a carpenter and will be talking with Sarah after our holiday about building us some bookshelves that we have years talked about,I was ggiven a whistle stop tour of his house, full of the fruits of his labour.

So it again provided my mind with forefillment, I didn't set out to cut those lawns for any reward, it was purely an act of kindness, in reward I was given something money can't buy,an honest chat.

The kids, lol I feel I should stop writing kids joe 21 now and lily 19 took me out for lunch, great food good company

Sarah and I walked the hounds again early evening and I watched the football with my son's.

All normal every day events but things that can be made extraordinary, because those things, opportunities I stole from myself forttwenty years.

I never cut the lawn, had the want to talk with anyone, I couldn't have gone to lunch not unless they had an fobt at the table.

As a functioning addict I sought nothing but to feed addiction

I was the bad apple that rotted my own barrel of opportunity.

Reading the forum today I have learnt another valuable lesson, dovydas thankyou.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Duncan,

You continue to inspire me.

All the best my friend.

Mark

Morning diary.

Markman good to read abstinence treats you well.

Yesterday felt like I was climbing a mountain, made all the more difficult by the fact my elbow is now swollen and holding a knife, lol being cac handed is proving a monumental task.

Went to the physiotherapist i have tendon damage to add to the bersitis and the only cure is rest,well that is not on the cards for the next few days, busy again today, tomorrow to boot so the old method of grin and bare it will be my method.

I have a very high pain threshold so I will overcome the days ahead.

Had a chat with a fella from my ga room yesterday he is also enjoying the fruits of abstinence, he gifted my mind like he has on many occasions.

He said again 'stopping gambling is relatively easy, most of us are forced to take action either due to financial devastation or being caught out, once stopped it is then that the hard work begins because for both of us for countless years addiction quickly made us forget our losses and drew us back in'

This is without doubt true in my own case, many times during my gambling life I was offered the opportunity to change, the slate wiped clean so to speak. Ironically the slate was never once wiped clean through the result of winning a punt, the slate was wiped clean through honest hard work, yet time and time again I would return to doing my boll#ocks at the first opportunity.

My gambling life I can see today was not about winning, financial gain it was pure escapism, my go to the place I believed I was most comfortable in, where the truth is gambling just further fuelled the weakness within my mind, the inability to face up, stand up and be counted.

Recovery offers growth, it offers me knowledge and determination to be the best person I can be.

I thought that stopping gambling would silver line every cloud, the truth is it doesn't alone do that, recovery offers the recovering addict the opportunity to work hard at making that silver lining.

The fact that I believed that recovery was easy, that I took it for granted is plain to see, my diary charts the day, the 31st of October 2013,the day complacency, ignorance of recovery floated to the surface and addiction broke through.

That day will always live as a well served warning of how damaging addiction is, emotionally more than financially.

Since that day I have relived the twelve step programme, I will revisit the steps every day, because each step can be improved upon, providing a profound outcome to all I do.

That last episode of gambling was hurtful, it shocked many, in truth my entire family didn't see it coming, naively they thought I was cured, something today we know will never happen, emotionally that day broke my last belief that gambling was acceptable, it compelled me to seek everything that recovery truly offers.

Addiction will always live within my mind, I accept it's presence, because from it I learnt a great deal.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I am in pursuit of making the right changes in my life, I enjoy the moment from the fruit it bares but know without planting the next seed addiction will always be there holding out it's poisonous offerings.

Just for today I will make a decision

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Great share Dunc.

It is only when we have a willingness to change & not feel resentful about having to change because of our present situation that recovery can be accepted & embraced.

In unity

Dan

Thank you for your post. I don't get on here much but just reading your last couple of posts was a reminder to the good and bad of this journey. I like yourself am determined to live life a different way now and any troubles along the way have to be dealt with the right way. Keep up the good work, I'll shall try to follow your lead.