Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc,

I also find some of my deeper posts on the website vanish which I have no doubt the site moderators take down , it amazes me that some young kid who works for the site can freely choose which posts go up and which are taken down , usually my posts are trying to get to the bottom of gambling and address issues , gamcare have yet to respond to my email querying various removals and there reasons.

For me I can see why a lot of people are growing disheartened by the site.

Hello mr mc quilken.

Just dropping by to wish you well. Been adsent due to having no internet access.

Delighted to read of your continued progress. Genuinely delighted sir.

In fact It has dawned on me that I will possibly be very close to your neck of the woods in October.

A friend who lives in Southampton is planning a reunion of sorts.

I'm not sure if I'm being a bit forward but I would love the opportunity to buy you a pint/coffee if the trip happens.

I'm looking after my recovery and in return my recovery is looking after me.

Best wishes Duncan.

Your friend John.

Morning diary.

Thanks for all the wonderful heart felt comments.

John Fella I think you have interpreted my post yesterday in a fashion it wasn't meant, I saw the forum was having general difficulties yesterday with lots of threads being disrupted and didn't want to spend an age one finger typing to lose my own ramblings.

The moderator's have edited some of my posts in my three years here due to the nature of there language but have always emailed to explain why.

I will state again the stance I hold

The authors of every thread here are the owners of the forum, their words are what gifts so many folks hope and inspiration to seek recovery for themselves.

It is in my opinion a futile waste of time and effort to pick holes in the moderator's of this forum, it's only outcome will be a victory for addiction.

Addiction will use it for its own gain, it will take the ridiculous stance that gambling is an acceptable act.

However and whomever made this platform possible is not the point, the gambling industry funds this forum, so they should, we all contributed vast amounts of hard earned to the industry, a fraction of what they give to the bye product of there business.

We have all paid our dues,we all have a right to recovery.

Don't get angry with anything other than addiction, please don't lose sight of the reason your here.

Every thread here humbles me, compels me to hold the light that recovery gifts and share it.

My Selfishness was addictions making, each day I embrace recovery that trait dissipates.

Let's continue to share, inspire,gift knowledge, advice and our experiences

Because at last we have all found our voices.

Let's take a moment to enjoy that

It's a thing of beauty.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

I hope that the administrators have put an end to the forums glitches and the recovery juggernaut can resume it's journey.

So we have a new government in office, from it I hope that the country see's some benefits,not sure if it will or not but I know that it's something way beyond my own control nationally but locally the elected mp made a pledge to do a great deal with regards to the way mental health is supported so I will be keeping a close eye on the outcome of that pledge.

I watched the election with our joe it was quite compelling viewing l think the greatest thing it highlighted for me was the fact that even in the face of black and white evidence politicians still appear to avoid the truth.

Something I related to greatly from my gambling life, looking back today I can see that my account of my gambling was so far warped from the truth that I felt compelled to continue building on the lies, deceit and hide the facts at all costs.

Losing became an achievement towards the end of my gambling life, I actually willed the little ball to land as far as possible from the number I had gambled upon, I wanted the outcome to come hastily.

I amassed huge debt chasing a five hundred pound jackpot, today I can see the relationship between the money I waged and the reason I gambled are linked purely through the fact that the money is the fuel to feed addiction.

Through recovery I have a relationship with money today that means I know it's worth, it's purpose and it's power.

Today I fully respect what money I have and how best to use it.

I used to believe money would make me the envy of the world, that money would make the world respect me and with money came the answers to all the questions asked, problems found and desires fed.

Well I know today the difference, I looked at all those folk on the tv yesterday in their tailored suits being driven in their shiny cars,the money they had waged on being an mp,yet many got a reality check, all the wealth in the world couldn't buy them that seat,Ironically the folk many of them seem to dismiss as a bad smell are the ones with the power.

So yesterday I again saw that from life you reap what you sow.

For twenty years I sowed those seeds the funny thing is rather than water and nurture them and eventually enjoy the fruits they bared I just repeated the same cycle of sowing more seeds.

I can't remember ever truly harvesting a single crop through a twenty year dedication to making a choice to feed addiction.

Today I am blessed with a different life.

One in which I have a wheelbarrow, watering can, wellies and some tools I am learning to use.

The first and most important the one I have each day I awake.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Great post Duncs, really can relate to some of the points you made there! Well done with your progress, keep up the good work it really is an inspiring diary.

Yes lovely post Duncs, I can feel your 100%% commitment and determination and strength, very inspiring for me as always.

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

Thanks for your kind words, they gift my resolve to continue making as much effort as I can to contribute to this amazing place.

Yesterday was a grueling day, not only busy but the latest arrival to the kitchen appears to have woken up and smelt the coffee.

All be it too late to redeem himself in my kitchen but hopefully in life he will take from his short time in his employment some decent lessons. The horse has left the stable so to speak and yesterday he tried to shut the door.

I had tears, a bucket load of excuses and a weak apology as to why he has behaved in the fashion he has chosen.

I believe that I have been wholly honest and tried from day one to integrate him into the team, but every step, every olive branch offered has been met with resistance, distain and an attitude that is inconsiderate at best.

I believe that the fella is covering up a self created mess, I know bailiffs arrived at his house last week and he is running from debt, that he blames everyone else for his own shortcomings and believes the world owes him a favour.

How do I come to that conclusion? ???

Because I have walked in those shoes, I was so angry with the world for the fact I couldn't admit to the world that I was so deeply addicted and it ruled my every thought, that I couldn't see the wood for the tree's.

I offered the fella the best advice I know, get help, stop running.

Will he have listened?

I doubt it, he was in my mind simply trying to dodge the bullet he has fired.

I have a speach I give to every new team member of my kitchen.

'It is your job for as long as you want to be here,i have never had to fire anyone but many have sacked themselves'

This fella will join the club, the forgotten few who are remembered for the lack of contribution made.

Yes those folk give you all a good laugh when their backs are turned but are no fun to be with.

I trod that path for twenty years, wrapped up in my own over inflated self importance, never giving but always on the take.

So I will close the chapter tomorrow, one out and the new lad will begin and we will actively seek another to replace the gap made,hhopefully learning lessons from this episode.

I have a day's rest today, me and the hounds lol,they replaced sarah no soon as she left the bed and are enjoying the warmth.

Soon I will wander over the cliff top and clear my mind, a roast beckons later,a pork shoulder taken from our cache of meat will have my undivided attention.

Maybe something delicious for pudding.

Addiction won't be getting an invite to the table

Today I will again starve it's desire to get my attention.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler, no bet today

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

So today the new chef starts, I have fashioned a new set of checklists for the kitchens use,not something that has been required before but something with my holiday looming I know will help maintain the teams focus.

Or selfishly a list which will eradicate the possibility of anyone needing to contact me whilst I am away! !!

I will put in a ridiculous amount of hours this week to ensure that the operation runs smoothly in my absence and again selfishly to gift myself peace of mind.

I will equally be doing the same at home, ensuring that the freezer is loaded with meals that can be simply defrosted and reheated or I can see the three of them moving into a tent next to the burger van lol.

The hounds I will miss them like mad,the truth is they have been a huge contending factor throughout my recovery, at times they have truly been my saviour, just to share their excitement and passion for life is inspiring.

If you haven't endured my entire thread we have rescued two whippets since I entered recovery, one soon into my recovery and one a year later, they both came from different backgrounds and both desperately needed a house full of love and life.

Today they return that affection in spades.

Lol i have wondered if I could sneak them in my luggage! !!!!

That being said I know that they are to be left in safe hands.

This morning I have enjoyed their company wandering across the hi #ll, mr blue got very close to an unaware rabbit!

But upon calling he soon returned for a treat!

Off to work shortly, my resolve to be considerate and committed to living grows.

Will Addiction I too have wondered choose to board the plane or will it remain at home?

Doubtless it will try and figure in my mind, I am ready and waiting.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

My addiction travels with me everywhere I go Duncs

Like an unwanted wart or a cancerous tumour

I used to try to pick it off or dig it out of my skin but it always grew back

Now we sit together accepting but not friends

I will never forget the pain its caused and could again

Bon Voyage

You will miss the hounds Duncs, they have become a big part in your life and have helped sooo very much with your recovery, you have a very special bond with them, but you and Sarah deserve this holiday, so have a great time, they will be well looked after, they will miss you too lol,

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

What a difference having another chef in the brigade who cares makes. I have been astounded by the lads commitment to the job, long may it continue.

So three days left at work and then 19 days off. This will be the longest period of holiday I have ever taken, I am truly thankful for it, to be honest I am worn out ,the grueling schedule I work is taking it's toll on my body, so I am going to use the time off to not only rest and enjoy living but to think about the future and how I can better my management of my life.

Addiction played such a dominant role in my functioning that for twenty years I self sacrificed options that would have led me to seek employment that didn't have such an effect on my wellbeing, that today is something I live in the knowledge of and rather than bemoan the fact, I will work with what's on the table.

To run to addiction, to seek a quick fix for such a prolonged period of my life had ingrained a live for today worry about tomorrow when it comes mentality and today it's something I work hard to change through recovery.

To play the long term game.

A trait I find difficult to change, but one that I know will have the greatest effect upon not just my life but of those I hold dear.

I have watched the interview that was on breakfast television with regards to gambling addiction on Friday, all i will say is once again what a joke.

The whole interview was demeaning to addiction, the old 'problem gambling ' analogy wheeled out and how wonderful the industry's work address problem gambling has been, that they have gifted 2 million quid to address the problem.

The irony the fella in question blew a quarter of that amount alone in feeding his addiction.

Why oh why do I have to here the same drum being banged about 'regulating' the amount gambled,because for me this is the f*****g great elephant in the room

The stakes don't matter, if I could say only punt a fiver a spin on a machine, I wouldn't stop after a period of time, I would simply be there for a greater period of time until I emptied my wallet.

When will somebody who works in the gambling industry actually acknowledge this fundamental fact.

I whilst active cannot win because I cannot stop.

I once again feel like the sh#it stain on the juggernaut that is the gambling industries shoe and it refuses to accept the bad smell it leaves by refusing to clean it's act up.

I work relentlessly at recovery

The gambling industry works relentlessly to disprove I am an ADDICT

Oh and by all accounts the prime minister offers his full support to the campaign to regulate the industry

I won't hold my breath

The shear amount of money generated through gambling gives the power to the industry which self regulates and through doing so pushes every gambling addict under the carpet.

Well I am here,I will personally continue to open the world's eyes wherever possible to the fact

Gambling addiction ruins a great deal of lives, no regulations will stop an active gambling addict on their path to destruction.

Education of the next generation is in my mind the ultimate way to see less destruction, it in my mind happened with smoking, it's not the 'attractive' pastime to a generation it was sold to me.

Funny because gambling seems to have replaced it, you can't see the cigarettes on sale now, they are covered by a screen, the irony is in many shops they are covered by the huge scratchcard dispenser! !!!

Oh sorry I forgot myself that dispenses FUN! !!!!!!!!!!

Really? ??? Outside most shops I frequent it appears to add nothing but litter! !!

To the industry whom I believe reads my ramblings, I am here, the recovering gambling addict who hopes you take heed.

To every gambling addict please educate the next generation of the potential dangers gambling can reap.

A better future would be the outcome, not just a carpet covering the folk the world don't want to accept.

Off to work now, fired up for a busy day

All made possible by accepting my addiction and what recovery offers

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncan,

A very passionate post.

It is difficult to get the world or the gambling industry to accept that addiction exists. Even the majority of people who suffer with it are in denial of the fact. They believe as do the industry that control is possible.
You see it on these forum pages again & again. People post for a few weeks or months believe there addiction has been beaten & walk away only to return after a period of time broken just a little bit more.

We cant expect the gambling industry to care when most addicts couldnt give a f***k about being there to help those still suffering.
It is only through people who have lived through addiction that change can come. 60% of the industries revenue comes from the 4/5% of the population said to have a gambling problem. So if more addicts in recovery continue to spread the message of what addiction is & how it can be co-existed with, the better the chance of people hearing & educating themselves as to what is needed to lead a full & purposeful can be gained.
For me unity step 5 is essential in reducing the damage this addiction brings into peoples lives. In tells us. GAs primary objective is to take its message to those that still suffer.

Its time for the addicted to stand up be heard & take responsibility to help change how addiction is tackled. Dont moan about why is nothing being done if your not doing anything to change it yourself.
With people as passionate as yourself Duncan, society has a better chance.

Dan

Morning diary

Dan thanks for your ongoing support fella, I do wear my heart on my sleeves and will endeavour to continue trying to make a difference to the lives of the many folk affected by the compulsion to gamble.

Superfluous, fella for me the black and white of modern politics is that sadly everyday folk are simply treated with distain.

The new secretary for culture has nailed his flag to the mast,his words I believe

'The fobt is in my mind not the cr#ck of gambling, it's more like the cann#abis'

No doubt he has no experience of the damage and I hope that he never does.

The fobt, my nemesis, my achilies heel, my go to whilst an active gambler in good and bad times equally.

I set to thinking about those machines, forget the folk who's ignorance to their lure,the folk who will say it's all about self control because the folk who state such things are simply folk who fortunately for them not suffered at the hands of the power they poccess to control the addict who only too willingly will dedicate their life to them.

To try and rationalise the thinking of an active gambling addict is a futile act, because surely if an active gambling addict could maintain rational thinking surely to feed a machine with a possible maximum win of £500 by laying a one hundred pound stake is nothing short of a ridiculous act,couple that with the shear amount of 'nearly' wins which are recorded and professionally recognised as the drive that compels the compulsive gambler to relentlessly gamble on and you have a result which is plain to see.

The compulsive gambler will lose, lose and lose some more.

The more I analyse my relationship with the fobt I gambled not to win but to be active, because every minute I gambled I escaped the world, every time I gambled I escaped from my inner mind.

The fobt was available from half eight in the morning until half nine at night, if I had the funds I would sit zombie like for all those hours feeding note after note into it,willing it not to gift that 'life changing' win but not to end that episode of gambling and return me to the real world.

There is no life changing win on offer, what in truth does the JACKPOT offer?

Five more spins? Three minutes of FUN? More like three minutes of escapism.

Gambling addiction compelled me to relentlessly gamble, in a nutshell that's the circle complete.

I am not angry at the inception of the fobt, the truth is it was fruit machines before those,the lure of the flashing lights, gambling addiction offered itself, me I ceased upon it, I went gung ho from the moment that first pound slid through and credited me with 'escape'

Today I accept that addiction still manifests in my mind, but today I know what I have to lose, equally and most importantly I know what I stand to gain.

I have a life to live, one filled with more positive things than negative.

Because through recovery I have actively sought to eradicate the bad things and replace them with better things.

I accept that life is what I make it, that yes life throws things my way I don't want but through a commitment to recovery I no longer run from them, I face them and make changes to accommodate my own wellbeing.

I closed a great deal of doors to get to the place my own mind is today, in equal quantities I have opened new ones.

Recovery offers growth, opportunities and a new way of life

One through which I am no longer angry with the world, more importantly I am no longer angry with myself.

Embrace recovery, don't think that by eliminating that next punt that life will improve because you will have to want and work at creating change.

I have worked on my recovery as hard as I fed addiction.

The reward my life is mine not addictions.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon Duncs, thanks for the advice about the chillies...I'm not sure I'm brave enough even for those :-0 But, since you were kind enough to suggest them, I will endeavour to try them next time I cook something that they can justifiably go in! Veggies in any format aren't really my forte & to prove this, I diligently remove every kidney bean because the NM likes them & I am good @ sharing 😉

There's no way I'm giving into Mr Gamble's mental ideas...Still weird that he has, of late, neglected the machines in their entirety but I'm not complaining! Much rather he try & tempt me with fruit & veg than burgers & chips!

I am so glad to hear you finally have someone with you that wants to do well! I know how soul destroying even one bad apple can be on a team & I applaud your resolve to drive through...Hopefully your efforts have been rewarded & your kitchen is safe with your stand-in whilst you & Sarah have your well deserved break!

Keep stepping forwards - ODAAT

Duncan,

Sometimes a post like your previous one just strengthens my belief that all is possible. Thank you for sharing your emotions with us all again

Dan