Hi
It took me time to settle in to taking the recovery program seriously.
The spiritual recovery program was going to help me help myself.
No one could stop me gambling that was sure, no one could help me get honest with myself.
Only once I was able to refrain from unhealthy habits, I could only start my healing process I had stopped causing myself pains.
The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program was going to help me feel comfortable, only by their honesty could I open up.
I was able to give up talking and thinking of money lost or of being worried about funds and money lost.
The ideal situation is to be emotionally disconnected from all thoughts and feeling towards my unhealthy habits.
In time I was able to abstain from certain unhealthy habits.
In time I was able to give up living in fear and worrying about things I could not change or alter that day.
Living for today empowered me in so many ways.
For me procrastination was very unhealthy, my lack of commitment, my lack of confidence, my lack of self esteem, before my recovery I was a loner, I was wasting my life away and did not even see it that way.
Money lost was not about money, money was just the fuel for my addictions, when I handed over my finances did I find other ways of escaping or deviating facing myself people and the world.
Being in the spiritual recovery program I was going to find out that I could not celebrate in healthy ways.
I use to fear mixing with groups of people, yes I put o a very good front, like I was in control of my life.
My motives changed being in recovery.
My last bet could have been so costly that I would have lost my family.
Did my living in my fears cause disconnection and failing relationships from other people.
I do not want or need to lie to myself or other people today.
I have been in recovery over forty nine years, I have been clean from gambling twenty six consecutive years, so if I have not gambled in such along time why attend meetings.
The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program was going to help me focus on progress not perfection.
I am still healing even today my hurt inner child.
The rage in me came from my hurt inner child, the vengeance in me came from my hurt inner child, my frustrations in me came from unreasonable expectations from my hurt inner child.
It took me over twenty years to learn that anger was a consequence of my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations and when things did not go my way I would cause myself pains.
Only when I love myself could I love other people.
Only when I respect myself could I respect other people.
Only when I had empathy for myself could I have empathy other people.
My control issues were fear based.
My motives were very unhealthy on walking in to the recovery.
In my recovery I found that money was earned due to my hard work, each time I gave my money away I was working more and more for nothing.
By working out my net hourly rate could I understand how much time it took me to earn that last lost money amount.
In my recovery I found out more and more what love was, I found out more and more what sincerity was, I found out how much more productive I could be.
My emotional age and my physical age did not match up.
I understand that each kind of abuse I suffered adversely affected my growth.
I would justify my unhealthy ways.
Each time I would justify my unhealthy ways I knew deep down I was going against my own conscience.
Lying about money or my time or how I was feeling was a betrayal of people trust of me.
No money in the world would give me a healthy life until my hurt inner child was healed.
For me happiness is about being content not trying to find some thing material to give me pleasure.
I am anon religious person and questioned if I did not believe in any thing what so ever could I find peace and contentment in my life by my healthy actions and by my healthy words.
In my recovery I found that healing and getting healthy was very slow.
Yet in my recovery it is some thing that takes time.
Therapies were very essential, the simple fact that therapies were going to help me get in touch with my hurt inner child.
There is an implication that pride is an unhealthy thing to have.
For me pride is the reward we give our self for our by my healthy actions and by my healthy words and also being productive.
An important word is to become self sufficient, to learn new skills so we can do things for our self.
In the old days I would get people to do things for me, I was cheating myself in so many ways.
Yet in my recovery it was important to ask for help, to ask people to show me how I can do things for myself.
With new challenges with new skills my confidence improved, my self worth improved, I see the recovery program is like mountain climbers we are all tied to each other people so that we find new safer skills in facing people life and situations.
To always have a plan B in case things do not work out that we hoped they would.
In my time I have had some very powerful therapies from people that blew me away.
I have felt some very deep seated powerful pains raise to the surface.
I do believe that had I not taken my recovery seriously that hurt inner child would never have been able to come out and play.
I take my recovery very seriously and think that our healthy habits have empowered us to new found skills and new found confidence.
Today I am not willing to give up faith and hope in myself no matter what happens.
Each day I write down my needs, I write down my wants, I write down my goals.
Each day I write down things I am being committed to myself.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Healthy living Is the way to go respect.
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