April Fools!

@dazza85 Thank you so much Dazza 💙

🩷🍎.

Day 90.

Still not heard from the permanent job interview I had on 3rd November 🫤. The Civil Service really do drag their heels with lengthy processes!👎. The closing date for this job advert was end of August!!

I received a phone call from an agency yesterday, asking me if I would like to return to being a Probation Officer! In short, probably not but in reality, I need to find a job!

Fortunately, the very kind and generous donation my brother and sister-in-law gifted me, means that I can afford to be out of work for the next 3 months and keep up to date with all my bills but I am really hoping that I hear back/able to secure another job in the meantime 🤞🙏🙏.

Money is tight at the moment, whilst safely holding on to the funds in my savings account I was gifted to help towards my bills over the next few months. However, I have purchased everything I need for Christmas and just have to pay for my Christmas food delivery arriving on 22nd December 👍.

Been reading other people’s diaries, especially new ones. Some of which are a stark reminder of the gut wrenching feelings that come with reaching “rock bottom” having just spent your entire salary within a couple of hours of it hitting your account and leaving you with nothing for the remainder of the month 🙈. This happened to me on umpteen occasions over the years.  NEVER AGAIN will I put myself in that position. 💪👊.

Feeling somewhat bored today (beginning to miss the routine of being in work). It is a lovely bright, fresh day however so I will do some house chores and then this afternoon, get myself out for a nice brisk walk 🚶🏻‍♀️.

Take care all and for you new people who may be struggling, stay strong and don’t give up your fight to better your life and rid yourself of the financial and emotional burden that gambling has brought upon us all.

“No thoughts of gambling. No money spent on gambling. No money lost on gambling = Tick, tick, tick”👌💪.

🩷🍎.

Day 100 - Again!!

I vow this will be the last time I get to day 100 again!

After getting to over 470 odd days g.f from end of March 2024 to August 2025, I had my first lapse. Big enough to leave me with no money to pay my bills and putting me into further debt after my sister loaning me the equivalent of my salary I had spent in a matter of hours!🙈.

Several weeks later, I had my second lapse. This entailed me losing most of the money I got from selling my car I no longer used. It did not put me into further debt, however, this money was to pay for the remainder of my 2 dental implants treatment, pay my brother back what I owed him and pay the balance off from our new windows put in on our apartment block.  All of which did not happen.

From then on, I came up with a plan. Pay my brother back over the next 3 months (which I did), set up a payment plan with my dentist (which I did and have just 2 payments left to pay). The money for our windows, we have been told we don’t need to start paying until the next financial year and we can pay in monthly instalments 👍.

At the end of October, my contract with the agency I was working for came to an abrupt end and without any notice whatsoever 🙈. This put me in a position I had never been in before and placed me in new territory 😲.

Roll on to today. I am still unemployed but I am awaiting the result of an interview I had for a permanent position in the place I worked as agency staff 🤞🙏🙏. I still have most of the money I was gifted from my brother and sister in law, sitting safely in my savings account (I have used some of it to pay some additional bills I needed to pay in December). I was hoping to use my Universal Credit payments to pay these. Unfortunately for me, I received no payment in December and have been told that from January onwards,I will be receiving £87.00 per month!!😱.

This is the thanks you get for working from the age of 16 to 63, going to university full time whilst bringing up a child single handedly and working every Saturday and all the holidays in between my university degree.

I could have sat home receiving income support and being paid by the government but I chose not to. Now, due to receiving a small private pension every month of £313.13, this has jeopardised my monthly Universal Credit payments 👎. Only for having the best family support, I don’t know what I would do for the first few months of 2026 if I don’t secure employment again 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Luckily for me and only because I had been sensible with my own money, I was able to pay all my own bills from end of October, right up to beginning of January. Unfortunately, Universal Credit does not seem to take this into account!🤬🤬.

The past few months has been the most stressful and anxious time of my life in a long time. In terms of my gambling however, my main trigger for this would be when I was feeling financially vulnerable. On this occasion, something just clicked in my head where I thought “I just couldn’t think of anything worse to do right now or ever”!!

Thinking back to those gut wrenching feelings in my stomach, the stressful headaches, the lack of sleep, being permanently skint without hardly anyone knowing, trying to get through my days as normal as possible whilst putting on an act and going to work every day at the same time, attempting to do my job to a high standard, was just exhausting 😴😴.

These symptoms were all as a consequence of feeling financially vulnerable and returning to gambling! This time around, I just knew that things were different and this is something “I WOULD NOT” be doing to try to “better things”.

So here I am - “Day 100 for the very last time”. Ticking along and not knowing what my 2026 is going to look like, other than I WILL NOT be gambling again 💪. For now, this is good enough for me.

I thought I would finish off by writing down a few mini goals so here we go:

- To remain positive in the hope that I will secure a job in the New Year;

- To remain grateful for what I already have, including the best family;

- To practice techniques to help keep my stress levels down.

Take care all and for you new people on here who are currently struggling, please take a look through my diary. You will see that my best posts are the ones where I have remained g.f. No matter how much people like us win, we always just end up giving it all back to those rich gambling establishments at some point!👎. No more for me thank goodness 💪👋.

P.S: I wanted to note also, that my lovely, supportive and thoughtful sister, put £100 into my account yesterday, to pay for my Christmas Sainsbury’s food shop, arriving tomorrow evening 😇. I already had the money in my bank account to pay for this but this would have left me with a very low balance afterwards. I said “no” to her initially but she was having none of it and just transferred the money over. I am blessed to have such a lovely sister 🥲.

”No thoughts of gambling. No money spent on gambling. No money lost on gambling = Tick, tick, tick”!!

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Well done Pink Lady.  Sorry to hear about UC lack of support that doesn't surprise me. Especially having worked your a*s off all those years. Lousy pigs. 

Your sister is a gem. Whether you think about gambling again you need to try your best to picture an upset / disappointed sister because she's always been there for you hasn't she? 

Hope that you have a lovely Christmas PL, will catch back in with you after New Year. Take care. 

@dazza85 Thank you Dazza.  You too!🎄.

Yes, I often remind myself of those gut wrenching feelings that came soon after I had lost all my hard earned salary 🙈. I will not be putting myself through those feelings again - now or ever!💪.

🩷🍎.

Hey Pinky! You've had a roller coaster time of things lately. Sorry I've not been on. Real life has been very hectic. Happy to say I'm not gambling though.

Can't believe the things that have happened in your life whilst I've been absent from here. So happy to hear you still sound so positive though. No point dwelling. Life moves on, and you move with it. Love the fact you have the support of some family. Makes a huge difference. You were with me at the start and I feel like I've abandoned you lately!! For that I apologise.

I hope you had a very merry Xmas and wish you all the best for the coming year. You got this. I predict great things for you this year.

Your friend Fish ❤️ 

@p6z38njbqm Thank you so much Fish 🐟💙.

It’s so lovely to hear from you again 👍. I was beginning to worry about you but so happy to hear you are still g.f after your last little “blip” 👊💪.

I was only thinking before, after reading over a chunk of my old diary entries earlier, “both me and Fish (apart from our lapses - you one and me two and both within weeks of each other)!! Will be coming up to 2 years g.f in Feb/March 2026”!! This made me feel good as sometimes, seeing I am back to just over 100+ days again, feels somewhat disheartening. However, when I reminded myself that apart from my two lapses, after going more than 470 days, come the end of March 2026, I will have been more or less g.f for 2 years!!💪.

Lovely to hear from you again and I look forward to reading an update on your diary.

Hope you have been enjoying the Christmas festivities 🎄.

Take care. Your friend Pink 🩷🍎.

Day 107.

Just thought I would do a little update in between the Christmas period 🎄.

My son came to stay on 23rd December until yesterday. He moved up to Edinburgh on 1st December for his new job and is absolutely loving it - apart from now having to pay more than triple the rent he was previously paying back in Liverpool!🙈. Still, he said he is so glad he has made the move. I am just hoping and praying that all remains well for him up there 🙏. He is single and no longer has a girl friend and has no children so he only has himself to look after. He will spend his first NYE in Edinburgh with his mate, who is driving up to stay at his for a few days and to see how they celebrate it up there!🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿.

I was only thinking recently about my gambling and how, compared to many others on here, I was a “late starter”. I began going down the “road to destruction” around the age of 45 when I was introduced to online gambling. This subsequently took a hold and became a main focus in my life. Prior to this, the most I had gambled was having a “fun bet” on the Grand National which was in my home town and buying the occasional lottery ticket.

Roll on approximately 18 years and it’s fair to say that there has been substantial damage done during that time - debt of over 43k and so much of my own money wasted and LOST on gambling. Oh what I could have done with all this doesn’t bear thinking about! Which is EXACTLY what I do not do - think about it!!

My current debt stands now at 27k with Stepchange. I am ok with this for now and if it ever comes to my mind (which isn’t very often), I just remind myself that every month, this balance is going down. I have on a couple of occasions (with the help from my brother), been able to pay off some “settlement” offers from those who I owed the most to. The most I have been offered is a 60% deduction which was really beneficial. I plan to do the same if/when I receive any more offers like this - once I hopefully secure another job and able to build up my savings pots again🤞🙏.

I am fortunate that I have no mortgage payments on my apartment, albeit hefty management/service charges/ground rent to pay each month 🤬. Still, it’s comforting to know that I have a large sum of money in equity on my property if push ever came to shove 👍.

For now, I am just living in the present, remaining focused and positive about securing a new job, clocking up my g.f days again and keeping my stress levels to a minimum 🤞🙏🙏.

Hope you are all still enjoying the Christmas holidays and for those of you who aren’t, remember, whilst you are staying away from gambling, everything in your life will gradually get better 👌💪.

No thoughts of gambling. No money spent on gambling. No money lost on gambling = Tick, tick, tick!👌.

🩷🍎.

Day 110 - New Years Eve!

Off out with my sister this afternoon. Going to walk down our main high street, suited and booted for a few wine spritzers, then we are booked in to a lovely Indian restaurant at 5.15pm 😋👌. We will then walk the Indian off us, back to my sister’s house for the evening where I am staying over.

NewYears Day/eve, I am spending this with my sister also and I will staying over again. This Christmas (her third without her beautiful son) I have observed, that this has been the worst one yet for her 😢💔💙. She has offered me the best support ever over the years and I want to do the same for her 🩷.

Tomorrow - NYD, we are going to take a nice brisk walk then spend the afternoon/evening, basically drinking champagne 🍾🥂, grazing on cheeses, crackers, pate, Italian meats, party food for the oven and an assortment of chocolates. What’s not to like!😆. We are both providing these between us! We are then going to settle down and watch the new series of Traitors 👌.

Doing all of the above beats gambling any day of the week and the gut wrenching physical and emotional feelings that come as a consequence 👎. No thanks 👊👋.

Take care all and wishing everyone on here the very best for 2026. Just remember, things may be tough for a while but for each day you are not gambling, you are making inroads to better your finances and more importantly, your health!!👌.

No thoughts of gambling. No money spent on gambling. No money lost on gambling = Tick, tick, tick!!👌

🩷🍎.

Day 122.

Ticking along and just going through the daily motions at the minute.

I have secured another interview for the Home Office where I worked as agency staff at the bottom of my road. This is for another permanent position (along with the other interview I had early in November for the same place). Still haven’t heard back from that one yet. This is the downside of applying for civil service jobs. The process takes forever 😴😴. Still, at least I have had/secured another interview to keep me going 🤞🙏🙏.

I have also applied for another permanent post so see what becomes of that. Plus the agency keep calling me regarding me returning to the Probation Service and doing some contract work. Either way, I really hope I will be back in work by the springtime 🤞🙏🙏🙏🙏.

Take it easy everyone and just keep trudging along like me. The days will soon become weeks and then months 👍.

🩷🍎.

Day 129.

So…….. got an email this morning from my first interview mentioned above.  Basically saying I had reached the required standard but that they cannot offer me a job immediately and therefore, I have been put on a reserve list for the next 12 months from which they may make future appointments that become available! 

Not the news I wanted to hear to be honest as this now gives me more cause for concern and no doubt more worry and anxiety for the coming months, in particular after April when I will no longer be able to pay all my outgoings with the measles amount of Universal Credit I have been receiving 😩.

I have another interview tomorrow for the same place so I have told myself that I will just go through the motions, get it over and done with and then just forget about it! I am sick to death of trawling through my emails on a daily basis for any updates 😴. I am also awaiting to hear back from another application I put in for but at this rate, I am not holding my breath.

I have come to realise, that at age 63, with over 47 years of ongoing experience, most of which has been in a professional role, this stands for nothing! I still believe that these jobs are firstly being offered to 18-25 year olds, in order to “tick the boxes” to coincide with current government policies and procedures 👎.

Today has been a very mixed day, in terms of my emotions. One minute I was thinking “what on earth am I going to do going forward”? The next minute I was thinking “tomorrow is a new day so let’s see what it brings”!

Right now, I am just hoping to get a good nights sleep to set me up for my other interview tomorrow.

With all of the above going on and the uncertainty that lies ahead, one thing I do know for sure is that I most definitely will NOT be returning to gambling. This is almost impossible to do anyway, apart from being able to go into a betting shop! I couldn’t think of anything worse and more depressing to do right now however!

I have never had an issue with betting shops, only online horse racing back in the day, which then progressed to just online casino and gambling on Blackjack only. Never have I been interested in/addicted to online slots or a physical slot machine thank goodness.

So I can still safely say:

”No thoughts about gambling. No money spent on gambling. No money lost on gambling, regardless of my current situation = Tick, tick, tick”!

Good night God bless all.

🩷🍎.

Day 130

Just typed a long diary entry, only for it not to have saved!👎.

Will keep this one brief.

re the job situation. Still unemployed. Had an email yesterday from the last interview I had saying “you have reached the required standard but we are unable to offer you a job immediately”. Not the news I was wanting but hey ho. I have got another interview this afternoon for another vacancy in the same place. Have decided to just go through the motions and get it done then forget about it until I receive feedback.

It would appear that even with over 47 years work experience, most of which was in a professional capacity, at 63 years of age, it is proving to be not so easy to be accepted back into the employment market!👎👎.

Lots to think about over the coming weeks regarding being unemployed. One thing I know for sure is that I WILL NOT be returning to gambling, no matter what my circumstances are/end up being!💪👋👋.

Take care all.

”No thoughts of gambling. No money spent on gambling. No money lost on gambling = Tick, tick, tick”!👌.

🩷🍎.

Keep trying 

@lp5vut869c Thank you Stuart. “God loves a trier” as the saying goes!! 🤞🙏🙏.

🩷🍎.

Pinky! Keep positive. I know you will even in adversity. You've been through worse with gambling, and I know you know only too well, that route will not help!

Lovely to hear you are still GF and beating the casinos in the best way by not giving them anything. I know I don't post much lately but I still check in on the old names and read the new stories. I sometimes feel that coming back reminds me of gambling so have stayed away a little bit more, but then I also read the new stories from new faces and it gives me even more motivation.

Keep us posted on any job news. You got this!

Stay strong 👍