Hi all;
Well this is the first time I've logged in for nearly 5 years, went back and read my old posts and couldn't believe it was the same person talking. I remained clean for a while but slowly slipped back into it, not as regularly as before as I don't seem to have the money these days, but regularly enough and suffering losses. I have been through gamcare therapy, got all the blockers in place, excluded from 99% online casinos, but when I get the urge I seem to always find one that I am not excluded from. The only problem seems to be my phone which I cannot seem to find a decent blocker, other than gamblock but that screwed up my phone last time and made it unuseable.
I don't know why I do it to myself, it seems to be when life starts improving again that I can't handle it, and have a slip. Does anyone else notice this pattern? I will gamble (online mostly), have a big loss, and then won't gamble again for a week or month or longer, then once my finances recover, life will start improving and something in my head just clicks and says, you'll be able to manage £100, and before I know it that £100 becomes £1000 and the cycle starts all over again.
Why can't I just be happy and stay happy? It's like I miss the feeling of the dark period following a loss when I somehow convince myself that the loss wasn't too bad, maybe borrow some money to cover the gap, and have other inspirational ideads about what to do with my life. I have a good job with a good salary, a beautiful partner who would be devastated if she found out I was gambling again. When I gambled daily, I realised that gambling controlled my moods, I was happy when I won and sad when I lost, but my moods were virtually never effected by normal things in life, only gambling. Now it seems that life is trying to dictate my moods, but yet I am intent on trying to stop it from happening!
I have decided to keep a diary as I have no one I can really talk to about this, hopefully I will have things to say and I will try to post daily.
Welcome back dan
What you described is the cycle of addiction, you play you lose never again. Then you forget the feeling and you play again, repeat cycle over and over mostly with empty promises of stopping until the time you forget the feeling and go again. A lot of people will relate to the sudden realisation that actually life is good without gambling, because it's not familiar people tend to go back to the safe zone where they hate themselves and thus brings back the cycle.
if something hasn't worked for you before don't repeat it change it you wouldn't keep trying on size 10 shoes if you knew you where a 12?
Best whishes and see you around
Deano
Do you need to know the whys? When I look at the whys, I just laugh and think the gambling side of me is bs. I don't understand it but I do know it's an issue for me.
All the best.
Thanks for all your replies. I suppose I like to understand why because I feel like maybe that will help me to deal with the root of the problem.
Pleased to say I made it another 24 hours gamble free!
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