Day 1.

Busy day...homemade pizza, 1 hour gym, digging the garden and personal training programmes to write. Very busy, don't even know how I managed to gamble. Now its great "making" time for other things, even though they are not always fun. It was brilliant last month not gambling, here's to another month with no slips ups, then I can save up a bit more cash.

36 days gone....

I realised when the boxing was on the other night, that betting was still there in the background. It's funny, as a compulsive gambler how we can literally bet on anything, whilst knowing nothing about the thing we are gambling on.

Gambling was always about the bet and not necessarily the result. Now, after 5 weeks I'm not necessarily thinking about gambling. I sometimes head in to town and realise how easy it would be to have a harmless bet. On the other hand, that single bet would null and void the day count, it would be absolutely pointless gambling ever again...

Ok...I haven't posted for a few days and to be honest I haven't felt the need. I'm finding my gym regime is keeping me focused, I urge anyone out there who feels a little depressed, to get more active. I am currently focusing on training as a healthy distraction. It's amazing how after a hard exercise session, that you actually make yourself mentally stronger.

I have no urges at all anymore really, not to say that I'm letting my guard down, I'm literally not even thinking about gambling. If you do read my diary at some point, I urge everyone to consider how working the outside of your body, does wonders for the inside. Your soul, the person you are will shine through when you feel good about yourself.

I'm not preaching, I'm literally inspiring myself these days, and hopefully inspiring others not just through my work but with you guys here on the forums. We can choose to fall, or get up and fight for ourselves. We owe it to ourselves.

Motivation is high...keep up your hard work people.

Paul

Good work Paul. Finding other things to fill your time is crucial. You seem to be doing all the right things. Be aware of complacency though. Some of my GA friends say the second or even third year are the hardest, strange as it may seem, we are all different though.

Thanks Trotton, not getting complacent at all really. I have just found better things to do with my time. I know for a fact, that if I slip up just one, I'll be gambling again. So I'm not considering gambling as the direction for me, I have more enjoyable things to do. Thanks again for reminding me not to rush things.

Regards

Paul

Day 53 and 8 week milestone is approaching. I have to admit that as my next milestone approaches, I am no longer getting urges, I just think occasionally, how easily I could leave the house now and have a bet. The worse thing for me and no doubt everyone else, is that we can bet whenever we want to, even though we don't intend to.

Isn't it funny how making the choice not to gamble, is somehow like we are punishing ourselves by not being able to do the old self destructive routine, as if somehow we are depriving ourselves. For years I thought I enjoyed gambling, in fact I probably enjoyed it too much, only to realise that it may start off as a bit of fun, until it's out of control. Making the choice not to bet is hard, gambling for most of us wasn't really about choice, we were on autopilot and gambling away our money because we didn't have the ability to just stop.

This time things seem different, and in many ways the same as the last time I decided to quit. It's the same, because I want to stop, but what makes it different is I'm older. I know that I have wasted 20 years of my life, gambling on outcomes that were never going to make me rich or popular, or even successful. It's you that decides this, not the role of a dice, or spin of a roulette wheel. If your going to bet again, make sure it's on yourself, and keep your money in your pocket.

Paul

Great well written post! Keep up the good work and make the right choice

Luke

Completely agree Paul, choice is the biggest factor for me as well, I have spent the last 15 years gambling and similar to you have enjoyed it, not the losing money part but the actual feeling of gambling.

I have had two bouts of councilling, 4 months GF and relapse and what I have learnt is I cannot let my guard down, my will has to be strong as one tiny slip up and the cycle starts again.

I have to focus on all the positives, reducing my debt, no.more lying to family and friends, no more pay day loans, generally feeling better.

Gambling too away so much of my life and me, I cannot control it, I cannot bet again if I do I cannot stop.

So I choose not to, my will is part of my triangle, I'm on the early road to recovery, let's celebrate together, well done on over 50 days that is my next milestone!

Let's get busy living not busy gambling.

Cheers daz.

Yes it is a choice to gamble, or not to gamble. The choice to not gamble, is a "concious" choice. Gambling was always a sub conscious choice, in the fact that you made the choice to gamble, without thinking about it. I would sometimes leave the house with £400, convincing myself I would do something positive with the money, I knew full well that I was going to gamble it all away.

My biggest issue was the fobt machines, they suck you in big time. The staff make money off your losses, so no one ever said to me "enough is enough"...I decided that, and yes 51 days is quite a good start, but I have been here many times before, spanning my 20 year addiction. A big congratulation to you too, 35 days is a massive achievment. Just keep focused on the big 50.....good luck

Hi Paul I can totally relate to that, I have had my own battles with the fobt machines, they are highly addictive and I remember a guy I knew who worked for wh said they used to take in on average 14k a day!!!!! I have seen people lose 3k in half an hour, £100 spins, absolute madness but that lure of winning and for me it didn't feel like real money when it was in there so limits went out the window. During my last relapse I moved on to casinos as I saw then as more real but roulette again deadly.

Every day not gambling is a success I have gone 4 months previously and now it's time to kick it for good and I hope this time I am on the right path.

A few urges are creeping in...to be honest, I don't know where they come from but I am managing to curb them. I walked past 3 or 4 bookies in town earlier, but I kept on walking. If I'm honest 60 days has been great for me, I have been suffering with anxiety for years and find my anxiety levels get quite high, without gambling it's hard to escape anxiety. I am now having to face my anxiety, no matter how uncomfortable I feel

I'm keeping up with my routine, posting here gets a weight off my mind. Time to get to sleep as I have a 6 a.m start tomorrow...oh I hate mornings.

Paul

So...day 58

I have to be honest, I am having a few urges to bet, or make quick money. My recent thought was finding something worth investing in, stocks/shares. Is this the same as gambling? After some consideration, if I am going to invest money in an outcome I know nothing about, then it's another for of gambling.

I am literally in a position, where my patience could be a little better. I always want results now and I realise that was my problem with gambling. I would just say "what the heck" and think of the consequences later, only to admit that keeping my money in my pocket would have been the best decision I could have made.

Doing my best to deal with urges, no matter how strong they are.

(This is yesterday's post, site would not update)

Hi Paul

Good to hear you are still GF even though the urges are coming on strong, my best advice is you know when they come on and you know they don't last forever, your recovery is about managing them, do anything but gamble, we are both CG and probably both have an addictive personality (I know I do), I am throwing myself into other things work, golf, goals short and long term with finances and personal achievement, this is keeping me on an even keel.

But I have been here before, I know I can get to 100+ days, so it is a battle with myself and my will is very strong. You need to keep that inner belief, I have read somewhere that you should write down where you will be in 5 years GF and where you will be if not, you need to put your gambling into perspective, let the urges just be that, but your choice is not to gamble.

I too am constantly looking at ways of getting money back quicker, it is in our nature but we need to try and slow down, I do see stocks and shares as similar to gambling, it's risk and reward, why not put them in a saving account whatever the interest and you can't touch the money for.... Months/years, that what I'm doing. I cannot have excess money in my back account, for me I have never had a way of valuing saving money it has always been easy come easy go, but slowly I am trying to change that habit. Save in account then reward when the time is right, for me a car.

Keep fighting, recovery is a long road but a successful and fulfilling one!

Day 62...Thanks Daz

Yes urges are just that, I'm just trying to dismiss them. I have a very addictive personality too, plus I have the tendency to get irrational/unwanted thoughts probably and old trait. I visited a councillor for a session, where I had a chance to open up, but I didn't go back. It was a relief talking things over, and it felt good after the session.

I'm currently saving every month, money I can't touch. It will all go towards retirement. Feeling ok today...

Today I feel philosophical, I even managed to get more hours at work to help fix up some exercise equipment, it's fun. The philosophical aspect of my life, I feel like I have tarnished my life. Gambling is the horrible stain that won't wash out.

I am not really a religious person, but after watching the exorcist, I started to think about all the bad things in the world including, the selfish actions of people, the greed, the manipulation and abuse of power. We live in world of temptation, probably more then ever in our history on the planet. My point is: Can we fully forgive, or at least regain our sense of innocence now that we have plunged in to a serious addiction.

I suppose I can forgive myself for having gambled, I don't really think it's about forgiveness in the broader scheme of things. It just seems a shame, now that I feel I am recovering I simply want to fix the future and learn from the past.

Too deep, too complicated...I guess we all are?