Firstly a massive thank you to those in chat rooms the last 2 nights especially Stuart.
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This is not a celebration but for the first time in years I told the truth. Its all on the table.
I was caught out when the finances started to suggest a problem and gave an admission on day 1 of the problem. The "story" as its incredibly difficult to break out of the lieing/storytelling/defence/deceit mindset was not fully baked. It portrayed a large amount of the debt and a "2 year relapse".
After good guidance I came clean on the remaining debt on day 2. I sat my wife down first thing and told her about the rest. It felt good. Good that I'd taken that step to not find a gamblers way out and Scheme. The future scheming has to stop for me to have any real chance here.
The problem...I'd told her that I had been suffering for 22 years and that really I'd never beaten it but it manifested in different ways (crypto, nft craze, old fashioned online sports betting, fantasy football even as a gateway). I wasnt brave enough sadly to go all the way that morning and tell her this hasn't been a 2 year issue its been going on for longer and I've been financially irresponsible and gambling in various forms for several years.
I was listening to a breakeven podcast earlier (worth a listen for anyone trying to face the reality that you have an illness)...I broke down. She knew it was off. I let it all out. Made it clear that this has been going on for basically our entire time together. The intention was never to hurt her, to lie to her, to deceive her. We've had 2 beautiful boys in that time. The highs have been real. But the demon was there, scheming, yes...the whole time.
This was hard for her to hear and it didn't go well at first. I thought this was it...the end, my wife and boys gone. For the first time since it all came out I stepped out the house with the dogs. It was time to tell my parents, who as usual were supportive as ever but of course incredibly disappointed. I told them I don't know what comes next but I need to fix ME.
I came home after an hour. I was greeted with a cuddle and a firm message of anger but support from my wife. I know this is just the start. I know we are going to have a hard road ahead. From here I can only focus and fix myself. I have to, no more chances.
The relief of knowing there isn't a part of the story untold lifts a weight. I know the weight has been put onto my wife...I hope she will also use some of the resources here.
For the first time in a long time...a chance to change.
Hi Sil
Wow ! Thank you so much for letting your heart out on here. Firstly well done ! Your words are full of determination. Don't ever forget to be proud that you have done this and keep that emotion when you told her with you. People have relapses and then have to own up, it's good to think what that would feel like for you and use that as your power source.
You have pretty much described my day one. I will never forget the relief but then understanding the harm I've done. My partner was the same but then the reality kicked in, not that I blame her. She needs to go into recovery her own way. My partner has moments of anger . What you need to know is that you cannot do this on your own. You need to start building a support network that is solid. I'm a believer that we all need recovery medicine. It sounds like you are already doing that. Connection is key so might support network looks like the below. It's people and things I can turn to everyday to keep me on track
My mother
My mother in law
My fellows at GA who have become friends and answer the phone whenever I need to talk
My sponsor (amazing human being)
Counselling through Breakeven
My blocks in place
Accountability where I keep receipts and allow my partner to check my banking app
Hardly any cash on me
YouTube videos - the modern meeting, addicted recovery channel and ODAAT
Research about the disease
GA literature
The Bill W film
Gamcare topics
Gamcare chatrooms
Evive app
Walking
Work around the house
A variety of TV programs
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All of the above keep me straight. I come on the chatrooms whenever I am free. Mondays are good because there are chatrooms at 6, 7 and 8
The most important thing is to allow those we have harmed to recover at their own pace. We can all signpost help but they need to do this for themselves and understand the harm we've done - plenty of tongue biting to ensure you don't slip back into old ways.
Hopefully we can talk more on the chatrooms and on here. It sounds, like me, you have buried stuff away for so long that you now need to fix your mental health on the pink cloud
Hi Sil
Something I meant to mention in the above which has really helped me. It's part of the 12 steps at GA.
When I used to gamble, I would wake up and the first thought in my head was how much money have I got in the bank and how much in my online betting accounts. I would always wake up at 6 or earlier and be on slots before work. I would even answer emails for work before 9 whilst gambling at the same time. Each day, if I won I thought it would be a good day, when I lost it was going to be bad day. I realise now I wasn't gambling with just money, I was gambling the day and how I was going to feel.
Role onto the road to recovery. Each day I get up and I text my sponsor 10 things I am grateful for. To start with, these were the obvious things in life like family, friends, GA, Gamcare etc. As time went on I started to simplify my life. I'm now grateful to be safe, have a roof over my head, observe nature, enjoy birds singing and much more. I then go for a walk. So every day within an hour I feel uplifted and know it's going to be a good day. There are so many parts of life that we gamble with, more than money. We have risked or gambled relationships, friendships, jobs, time and so much more. By doing something as simple as a gratitude list and a walk it makes each and every day special. Neither cost a penny
As part of the 12 steps I was given guidance to meditate. Now I'm not into new age medicine and even when I told my family they laughed as they knew that. So I went on YouTube and looked for guided meditation. First time I did it, I took laughed. It's only 10 minutes. Second and third times I felt dizzy. Then I started really listening to the words and sounds. It makes such a difference and I urge anyone to try it for just a week and you can have your money back, lol, it's free. To give up one hour of a week, 10 minutes each day, it's got to be worth trying Sil.
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