Relapsed

So this is really hard for me to write, I wish I could have continued my recovery and progress but it all went down hill. 
I relapsed, I had gone so long without gambling and this last year has been really tough, I was involved in an accident and was currently off work for a long time, I had been in hospital numerous times because I had got myself in a lot of debt and I didn’t know how to get out of it, I was at the time getting help and support from the Hurley group , I was having counselling for my past and trauma as I have had a terrible past growing up. This helped but it got worse when I got myself in £12,000 debt. I was chasing and all I wanted to do was get all the money back that I had lost through these stupid games. 
We really are the losers in this. There is no winners. Only the gambling companies, they thrive off people that play games and they make you win so you continue playing and then end up losing it all and then panick and chase it again.. and that’s what I did. I’m self excluded from all gambling sites and aren’t able to go on any.

i finally found the courage and opened up to my boyfriend and my family about my issues, I was terrified about my debt issues and didn’t know how to get out of the mess I’d got myself in to. They was angry yes and upset, I was so ashamed and felt worthless but they supported me , they helped me pay of my debt and got me back on track. I felt free and I knew it would take a while for them to be able to trust me but they still stood by me.

Then not long ago , I found a game through the App Store and when I downloaded it on to my phone , I was able to deposit money and me thinking because I haven’t gambled in so long would this help.. this wasn’t an excluded game, so I stayed playing this game. Only depositing £15 but then I lost it and deposited again, I ended up losing £400 to this in less than a week, this was me chasing the money back, I panicked. As soon as I made the decision to deposit I felt a sick feeling and thought to myself what on earth have I done that for but I knew I couldn’t get that first £15 back so I played on with it. It got worse from playing that £15.

please please everyone be aware of these non exclusive sites and games. This game pops up regularly on ads.  It isn’t excluded and you can lose a lot of money , it’s a dangerous game and you’ll regret it. I have and it will take time for my to forgive myself for what I have done. 
if I could report this to Gamstop and Gamban I would but I don’t think it would work. 
please be careful with these 

i have been making myself poorly worrying and stressing , not eating or drinking. Wanting to punish myself. I was scared to open up to my boyfriend or my family about the relapse. I was forcing myself to sleep to try forget, I don’t drink alcohol anymore and haven’t drank for over 1 year as this made me feel worse. 

I finally opened up to my boyfriend Sunday morning , he could tell something wasn’t right and he kept hugging me and saying what’s wrong and I was so scared I just constantly kept saying I’m just feeling down and i just feel like I need to have a good cry. He said please tell me what’s wrong. You know you can tell me even if it’s bad, I said I’m ok I’m just not feeling myself at minute. He said please tell me, is it a loan or gambling and because I paused he knew. I burst out crying saying if relapsed, I was over whelmed, he was angry and said how much so I said £400. He said ok and he asked if I’d got any loans out and I said no but I was having to consider to get the £400 back. He said no that will make things worse. He said when did it start so I said a week ago, and he said that’s ok , it’s a lot better than last time. Because I had been open with him .. yes it took a week but I knew deep down he needed to know. I was thinking the worse and was so terrified he would leave me, he hasn’t.

He said  it could happen again at some point as relapsing in extremely common and depending on your circumstances it could go either way.

He comforted me , I was in tears, I couldn’t talk but once I had calmed down we talked about it and I felt like I’d got everything out that was making me poorly. I love him so much and I would do absolutely anything for him and my family. It’s just so hard at the moment. I’m hurting because I relapsed. 

I urge everyone who relapses to please open up to your partners and family. It will only make things 10x worse if not. 
They may be angry and upset but it’s the best thing and right thing to do , the support is needed and especially if it comes from your family and partners.