The Butterfly Effect

Hi Francesca

Thank you for sharing your story on here. That's a brave step and admitting to yourself that you have a problem. Understanding the addiction in recovery is so important. Do you feel you have put effort into recovery or just white knuckled it before ? The second option rarely works for anyone and usually leads to a relapse far worse than before. I can tell you that from experience of a 44 year gambling career. This time I've taken recovery seriously.

I would suggest the first thing to do would be to speak to the advisors on here. All you have to do is click the speak to someone button and then you can either phone them or text chat with an expert..They are amazing and help people 24/7.

The next thing is to start to build a support network. If you are anything like me, I allowed my addiction to isolate me from everyone and the world. I wasn't present for years but just functioned with my family and work. Connection is the key word in recovery 

Do you have the blocks in place ? These are your safety net and put a barrier up to fight any urges or relapses

The most important thing is to come on the chatrooms. I'm on the 8pm one every night. The support there is amazing. No judgement, we are all there to support each other

Sorry for all the questions but have you tried gamblers anonymous in person or an online meeting ? I know it's a big step to take but if you find the right room then they are incredible. I presume you are female and yes the GA demographic is male dominated but most rooms have several women in them 

I've learned a lot in my recovery but knew I had to after five decades of gambling so realise I couldn't just switch the light off. Everyone's journey out of the dark room we find ourselves in is different but I'm happy to share and help where I can. If you read my own diary on here called My Story I detailed a lot that you can probably resonate with 

Hi Stuart,

Thank you for responding to me, in a very thoughtful and purposeful way. I found your diary eventually :). 

Have I put effort in to my recovery ... a very good question. I have taken measures before, with the solid intention to stop. But, on reflection, I have never done enough, and have white knuckled it for 80% of my attempted recovery journey. 

Nearly two years ago, I was in a hotel room and very upset with myself. Feeling completely trapped and desperate, I had worked my way through my wages received a couple of days prior and finally decided to look online for gambling help information. I came across GamCare, and spoke to an advisor via the chat. This was completely refreshing for me, and the advisor was brilliant throughout the conversation. At that point I signed up to GamStop (I had seld excluded from a lot of places prior to this, but was always able to find more at a future date and tangle myself in the web once more). This was a major milestone for me. I put gambling blocks on my cards, I didn't install GamBlock (as advised) ... because I play a non-gambling game with my partner online frequently and the software wouldn't allow me to access the game. I was contacted by someone from a local gambling support group, but couldn't bring myself to engage (this is the white knuckle part - and around another issue that I am completely a gambling anonymous entity in myself - no one knows I have this problem and the thought of surfacing it in to real presence and with people in real life really scares me). I also intended to engage in a new email peer support tool - I spoke to someone from the peer support group on the phone and very much expressed my willingness and desire to add this as a first step to become accountable. There seemed to be quite a delay in this coming to fruition, and a couple of months went by with no contact of being paired and set up with a peer support email contact. When they did reach out, I mentally had resigned myself to the fact that I probably could do it cold turkey and so did not engage. This was an error and completely irrational and unreasonable on my part.

Nearly four months past after I contacted GamCare in around May-July 2024, with no 'severe gambling taking place'. However during this time I was still buying lottery tickets, and probably spending c. £100 - £150 a month on this. Then arrived the day where I yet again find myself searching for ways to seek out online gambling. GamStop poses an issue for this - and this is where I find myself now searching for other casinos and entering into a world of unlicenced, offshore, casino operators. Since that point, I probably go 3 months gambling free between each relapse, promising myself 'I will never do this again', berating myself mentally for a week or so, and going cold turkey again for two - three months. I've closed and self excluded from these sites, but I can easily reopen them again or find another place to throw my hard earned cash away. 

I am completely isolated - self isolated. No one in my life is aware I have this problem and have struggled with it for many years. They will have definitely seen some of the symptoms and have been indirectly affected by my acts, but I won't let them in and it absolutely terrifies me even thinking about this. I have a very detrimental mental ability to detach myself and remain silent, because I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't think any of my family or friends will understand this or why I'm like this. 

Are the chat rooms on a video call, or are they 'chat rooms'? I'm worrying how I can attend these in a quiet space away from my partner. I haven't tried gambling anonymous. Yes, I am female. 

Thanks so much for your reply again ... this is the first time, since that GamCare advisor call two years ago, that I have opened up about this.

All the best,

Francesca

Hi Francesca

Thank you so much for sharing your story. When you are ready it will help you to post your whole story.on here. I took a long time to do that, it hurt and took four hours to write. 

Everything below is written from myself but it sounds like it might help. Your journey is your journey. I threw myself into everything and it's all stuck for me. The one thing I would say is that as you know I gambled, lied, conned, stole and self isolated for 44 years. As much as I live one day at a time as per GA I am certain I won't gamble today. If I can do it, anyone can. Johnny in the chatrooms gambled for 50 years and he is clean

Those excuses not to engage in the support systems before is your addiction talking to you in your own voice. I'm sure you can think of non gambling instances where you talked yourself out of doing things. That's no different to what you describe. We all have to recognise that we have an awful addiction within us. While we are in recovery that addiction is doing press ups in the car park waiting for a moment of weakness. I can't ever bet again. No betting, slots, raffles, lottery or even playing golf for a drink in the bar. You have decide that for yourself

You probably need to realise the damage you have done to your mental, physical, emotional and financial self. That's going to hurt over time and it doesn't all need to be done at once. As a compulsive gambler I spent my life looking for shortcuts. You can look back and see if you feel the same. With that in mind I tried to find the recovery pill in the first few weeks. An easy fix. Running before I could walk. There comes a time in recovery, fairly early days, when life starts to get so much better, that you start enjoying recovery !!! Yes that really happens

So rather than bombarding you with any half hack counselling from myself when there are experts that can help you, although AA was set up and always remember that addicts can help addicts, this is what my support network looks like. I know its hard to hear and you can only do this when you are ready, but like me you have isolated for so long. Addiction equals isolation. Isolation is where the addiction thrives. The opposite of isolation is connection. Connection kills addiction. I would also like to say what my sponsor always tells me at GA - it's Stuart's thinking that bought you here so why do I think Stuart's thinking will get him out of this. Basically take on board help, support and advice from other gamblers and experts. Don't dismiss it, that's the addiction talking

All the time you don't tell everyone you are holding back your recovery. That said you need to decide on that as it's your journey and no one else's. I was in a dark room and couldn't see the door to the road to recovery. I couldn't follow someone else, I had to start this myself and find my route

Support comes from surprising places. When I told everyone my mum was so upset after 44 years of lies that she didn't want to support me but now does. My mother in law of all people has been amazing

So my support group looks like this

Mum

Mother in law

Gamcare chatrooms (tonight they are at 6, 7.and.8 I will be on all three of you want to chat)

Gamcare topics and reading them. There are thousands

Counselling with Breakeven

Research on the disease. There are great websites out there

YouTube videos on gambling addiction stories

GA

My friends at GA

My sponsor for the 12 steps

Walking

Crosswords

Taking to people anywhere, in the street, buying a coffee and not just saying thanks (these last three give dopamine hits)

Podcasts not just on gambling addiction but also alcoholism and drug addiction. It's all one and the same which you understand when you listen to them. The 12 steps of AA are used across 50 odd addictions

I would like to talk more with you but it you have any questions just put them on here and I will answer if I can from my own journey and experience but there are plenty of others on here who are so helpful.

Hi Francesca

I forgot to say you can download Gamban from this site free of charge. That will block all gambling websites on your devices without blocking your online game you play 

Hi Francesca, 

I ,like you. only joined very recently, but much of what you said resonated with me. I can't offer you advice about what to do, but I can say I do understand, at least in part about the isolation. 

For me its always been slots and primarily online. I too exhausted UK casinos and started on the offshore. Over the years I found the best way to purchase crypto currency. Each time digging a bigger, deeper, more isolating world for myself. I couldn't share my losses or wins. I couldn't discuss my money concerns and I couldn't until very recently talk to anyone about it. It is a completely solitary addiction and I felt a great deal of shame and guilt. I carried this for many years, it affected my relationships and my choices, but I was unable to vocalise it. I think simply writing your initial post must have been an enormous challenge. 

I can say that its getting better, but the road has been long. I told my doctor in June of last year and whilst vocalising it made it somehow real there hasn't been a bolt form the blue, or a single line in the sand. Rather a gradual change. Speaking about it to counsellor has definitely helped. I told my wife at Christmas. She doesn't pretend to understand why, she was upset, but she wasn't angry and was pleased it wasn't anything else. She was happy though that I'd taken the initial steps to recovery and encouraged me to do more. I now attend a monthly group meeting. As you suggest the people around us see the fallout, the secrecy. 

As for the practical side of things. I like you did not want to let anyone know I was talking to a professional. I tried to have meetings during working hours, preferably during my lunch. I booked a meeting room and frankly no one actually seemed that bothered. Initially I said I was talking to the doctor about something 'private' and no one wants details of that! After a while no one noticed me slip away. If they did ask I was prepared to say it was the only time I could get to speak to my daughter between her lectures. I had one meeting in my car in a car park and again no one even looked twice at an old man on his phone. 

Thank you dearly for your replies Stuart and David. You taking the time to share your insights with me from your own journey so far, is invaluable. Truely - thank you.

I've labelled myself a 'binge gambler' in the last couple of days. Binge ... abstain ... binge ... abstain. That's my pattern - a yo-yo gambling dieter. Something feels different this time, I might have actually fully realised that this problem is not going away without digging deep.

Thanks for mentioning about GamBan @stuart. I've registered my devices onto it now. Great to hear your initial journey with councilling @david. I took a call at 1.30pm today, and spoke with a lovely lady from a councilling service following referral from Gamban. I talked for 10 minutes and gave an overview of my problem, how long it's been around, my patterns, my previous attempts at quiting. I have my first proper session booked in on Friday at 4pm. I'm looking forward to it. I want to move forward.

I did spend a couple of hours writing a bit more of my story on here last night, but the browser crashed when I posted it. It might have been good therapy regardless. 

I hope I can gather the strength in due time to voice my problem with those closest to me. I really want to fix myself a little before I do that though. @David what made you decide to tell your wife at Christmas? How long did you both (@ stuart and @david) engage in councilling for ... are you still?

I figure I have a lot more deeper routed problems that i've masked to some extent with gambling. I had a really traumatic experience in my early teens, and spent a long time in denial during that time and developed an issue with self detachment and a very insular approach to dealing with any issues. I am also a compulsive spender - if i've got money in my pocket it is burning a hole - I've always been like this.

Thanks again. 

Hi Fran

I've just had the same thing. Wrote you a long reply and it's crashed.

I'm on my 12th weekly counselling session which is amazing. Will be carrying on once the free ones run out and that says a lot as I've gone from hero to zero on the money front

I told everyone on day one of recovery because I was about to be sacked

Hi Stuart!

Glad to hear that youre gaining a lot from the counselling and its great that you want to continue. Have you found that the counselling conversation ends up extending beyond the Gambling issues and to other parts of your life and being? 

Day 4 today, not a slight urge. I actually feel sick when I think about it. But not to be fooled, I know its coming back to get me if I ignore it until its knocking on my door again.

Hi Francesca

In short yes. Gambling is a solution not the problem. It's also nothing to do with finance. Yes we all have a brain which is wired differently that if we get exposed to dopamine our brain craves it but that can be fixed. You can go cold turkey with abstinence but that still won't fix the problem. Counselling or the 12 steps at GA help you understand why you are gambling. Whether it's escapism, loneliness, boredom, immaturity or any other reason. To get your full tool box to recovery it's worth finding out what the problem is and why anyway then turns to gambling. Fix the problem and the solution isn't needed.

Gamcare is amazing by working with a select number of counselling services and those costs for us are covered. If you want to, just speak to the advisors and they will refer you.

Stuart

Day 5 of my new path to recovery.

Im extremely busy at work at the moment, which is adding a lot of stress to my life for the next few weeks. I seem to be doing a lot more reflecting over the past 5 days than I probably have in the last 14 years of my struggle. Escapism ... likely one of the key reasons for my habits, using it as a way to zone out. Might be a small hallelujah moment that is starting to sink in and bring awareness.

I still feel positive that I can continue moving forward, and havent doubted that in the last few days. My new habit seems to be checking in on the forums a few times a day. 

Looking forward to my first counselling session tomorrow afternoon and talking out loud a bit more. 

Ive started a new little savings pot and have been transferring £5 for every day that i havent gambled, with a note to say 'day 1', 'day 2' etc. 

Ill keep fighting the good fight on this road out of the dark. 

Well done Francesca, nearly on a week done. I love your suggestion of the saving. On Monzo they do a saving challenge where the start on 1st January and take 1p. This goes up by a penny each day and by the end of the year you have £665 in the account. I suppose if you are putting £5 away per day then it will pay for Xmas or buy a holiday as well as recognition for not gambling. I am sure you can do this. Just take it one day at a time. Concentrate on being the best version of yourself you can, each day you wake up. Try and put together a routine. For me I wake up, say the serenity prayers to myself, meditate for 5 to 10 minutes (I laughed when my sponsor said that as it really wasn't me but my word it works) then I write my gratitude list of 10 things I am grateful for in my life. That starts every day on a positive note and it really works. 

I guess being busy at work is better than slow. If you are anything like me, just watch out for the stress like you mentioned. 

Have you had anymore thoughts on going to GA ?

Stuart

Day 6, it's been a long week with work. I'm not quite sure where the time vanished to.

Yesterday evening I decided to invest a couple of hours working through a couple of the sections of GamCare's EmpowerMe tools. I found this really helpful, and was really investing my concentration into. I copied helpful key messages and bits of information from it into a document so I could have quick reference to it if needed. I made it to the strengths section, which encourages you to think about your strengths. I found this really difficult, because the more I searched my mind, the more I thought about how many and much of my experiences have been clouded by gambling glasses for the last decade and more. I noticed myself starting to get overwhelmed by realisation of this, and there was quite a bit of internal dialogue going on. At that point I opened up a chat with one of the GamCar advisors, who talked to me for 20 minutes and this was really helpful. She made the suggestion of me reading up on some of the neuroscience of gambling, we talked about dopamine, and she also suggested I revisit the Headspace App. She was wonderful and we are so lucky that there is this helo available when needed.

I have managed the whole day without any gambling urges (but as I've alluded to earlier, my normal pattern wouldn't see a gambling urge arise this early after the last binge). Nevertheless I reminded myself a couple of times of my commitment to healing and recovery. I had my first call with a counsellor late afternoon, and we chatted for half an hour. We ran through a couple of questionnaires to gauge my feelings around gambling and my health, and I shared more context around my circumstances, the blocks i've put in place and my feelings and focus of where I want to get to. She has suggested I attend a local small meeting that meets on a monthly basis, and is going to remind me about it closer to the time (early April). I said I would have more of a think about my triggers, for when the urges start to surface again.

Thanks @stuart :). I love Monzo, I started the 1p challenge at the beginning of February (actually went for the 4p challenge) and so far so good. Are you using this too? I'm going to aim to introduce a couple of new habits for the beginning of the day, these sound really positive. And I have always wanted to put more effort into forming a habit around mediation, I think it would be beneficial for me in a lot of areas of my life. Persistence and avoiding short cuts is something I need to apply more effort to generally in my life. 

Hi Fran

That sounds incredibly positive, and I am so pleased you are putting a lot of effort into recovery - keep that going. Learning the science behind the addiction really helped me, as well as watching YouTube gambling recovery stories. It helped me to understand why the chaos was happening over all those years. It has kept me grounded and ensured complacency doesn't have a seat at my table. 

Learning to live one day at a time takes a lot of practice. Living in your past is where the addiction gains strength. Whilst we are in recovery, our addictions are going to the gym each day to get stronger. It's an incredible percentage of relapses after one year. It's a stark reminder to everyone. 

Empowerme is amazing. Once you are comfortable, I would definitely return to that Fran. I would maybe take it a bit slower? 

It sounds like you've had an incredible week. Maybe with this commitment, the next binge urge won't come with any luck but it's always good for any of us to be tested - Makes us stronger.  

Posted by: @12o8g9i0xr

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Day 6, it's been a long week with work. I'm not quite sure where the time vanished to.

Yesterday evening I decided to invest a couple of hours working through a couple of the sections of GamCare's EmpowerMe tools. I found this really helpful, and was really investing my concentration into. I copied helpful key messages and bits of information from it into a document so I could have quick reference to it if needed. I made it to the strengths section, which encourages you to think about your strengths. I found this really difficult, because the more I searched my mind, the more I thought about how many and much of my experiences have been clouded by gambling glasses for the last decade and more. I noticed myself starting to get overwhelmed by realisation of this, and there was quite a bit of internal dialogue going on. At that point I opened up a chat with one of the GamCar advisors, who talked to me for 20 minutes and this was really helpful. She made the suggestion of me reading up on some of the neuroscience of gambling, we talked about dopamine, and she also suggested I revisit the Headspace App. She was wonderful and we are so lucky that there is this helo available when needed.

 

I have managed the whole day without any gambling urges (but as I've alluded to earlier, my normal pattern wouldn't see a gambling urge arise this early after the last binge). Nevertheless I reminded myself a couple of times of my commitment to healing and recovery. I had my first call with a counsellor late afternoon, and we chatted for half an hour. We ran through a couple of questionnaires to gauge my feelings around gambling and my health, and I shared more context around my circumstances, the blocks i've put in place and my feelings and focus of where I want to get to. She has suggested I attend a local small meeting that meets on a monthly basis, and is going to remind me about it closer to the time (early April). I said I would have more of a think about my triggers, for when the urges start to surface again.

 

Thanks @stuart :). I love Monzo, I started the 1p challenge at the beginning of February (actually went for the 4p challenge) and so far so good. Are you using this too? I'm going to aim to introduce a couple of new habits for the beginning of the day, these sound really positive. And I have always wanted to put more effort into forming a habit around mediation, I think it would be beneficial for me in a lot of areas of my life. Persistence and avoiding short cuts is something I need to apply more effort to generally in my life.