Day one of what I hope is a new and normal life

Day 99

I keep forgetting to update my diary and really do need to do it each day. Sometimes I get lost reading other shares and connecting after 44 years of isolation that I forget about my own diary.

Since my last post, I've been to some other GA meetings away from my home meeting. They have been amazing and very different to my own one I go to every week. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and do more. Last night I went to a meeting I went to 36 years ago. I walked in the first time under duress and pushed by parents and a girlfriend. Met a load of 70 year olds, didn't want to give up and threw the orange book away in the car park. This time I was nervous and it was powerful. I've realised that while my addiction grew from 12 years old to 56, so did my own personality. I was worried that the addiction created a false alter ego but I now know who I am. I really like who I am, not what I've done but who I actually am.

Tonight will be another GA meeting close to a race course I've been to a lot and the only reason why I ever went to that town. 

Tomorrow will be 100 days if I stay GF. Taking this one day at a time. That number really does mean a lot to me.

Counselling was great again this week, Breakeven is amazing.

I try and keep up with the shares on here. I always think if someone has the time to open up to the community I like to reply if I can. Some of the topic shares really do hit home with me and resonate. There was one written yesterday that could have been written by my partner which hit me hard.

It's been a very yo yo week. Kicked out of the house for the second time and then back home again. I am being patient and I know how much I have hurt her. She means the world to me and so do my children. 

Day 99 part two

Good meeting with two friends in recovery this morning. Both are long time sober and met up for breakfast. Very nervous meeting knew of them as I've not seen him since I gave up and was shaking. Good chat with my sponsor at lunch time 

Lot of work this week on the 12 steps. Missing the chatrooms this week as I am off to GA tonight for a new meeting 

Hope everyone is well and having a gamble free week 

Stuart

Just wrote a long piece on Day 100 and it crashed. 

I was last gamble free when I was 12. I have a long way to go in order to work out who I am, rewire my thinking not just the gambling side.

Day 101

Better day than yesterday even though 100 was a milestone but felt flat

I'm trying to work so hard on putting the last behind me. It's difficult when things and family remind me. I've said goodbye to the money and know that's never coming back. The guilt and shame is difficult to leave before I make amends. That said, it won't define me. At the moment I am known as Stuart the gambler who ruined his life and reputation but I will move forward from that. I struggle with any form of concept in the 12 steps that will somehow let me be at piece with, acting for so many years, far removed from who I am. I literally have no idea how my mental health was so bad to allow me such behaviour. It's a dangerous scenario that I need to watch as I must not let it hold my recovery back. 

My support network has been well formed over the last 100 years. It's robust and all conquering when I need it. I can't thank this community enough, the mods and advisors. Alongside my sponsor at GA and all the friends I've made there I am enjoying my recovery 

@lp5vut869c 

Hi Stuart

Fantastic that you have reached another milestone - 100 days!👏👏👏.

You offer so much support on here so it’s only fair that you are to be recognised and commended for your own positive achievements.

I hope you treated yourself to something nice - no matter how small!😆.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Pink Lady

I actually think the posts of congratulations on here and from my family was enough. I felt better on day 101 and was able to give myself a pat on the back.

What day are you on now ?

Hi Stuart,

It took me a little while to navigate and find your diary (newbie - and hoping I will be able to map the forums like the back of my hand in a couple of months time). 

Thank you so much for replying to my first post, this truely means a lot. Thank you for also directing me towards your own diary, which I've read in full along with the responses. What a huge milestone you have achieved!!! ... and it shines through in the comments from others how considerate and caring you have also been to others whilst going through a difficult time yourself. I think that says a lot more about you as a person, than any number of years trapped in the gambling cycle.

I will continue to follow your journey, you're my first connection and real inspiration. I'd also say, don't be so hard on yourself for not posting on your diary more regularly, you've kept consistency in many other forms and have still returned here to update routinely. 

All the best - keep doing what you're doing 😊 

Francesca

Day 102

Apart from my beloved Spurs losing yet another game, it's actually been a great day. Did Greenshoots recovery with Breakeven which is amazing. A highly recommend anyone getting onto the program which is just one hour per week.

No gambling urges other than the odd thought each time I wake up. My addiction recently is being devious. It's trying back door methods of sucking me back in. It is trying to tell me that this time it will be ok to go back. At some point it will surely realise that I am not going back. I was broken and I am not going back. I don't think it will ever give up but that's ok as I am strong and I have an amazing support network on here alone without all the other bits

I've done quite a bit on recovery today. Spoken to my sponsor, about to do some more steps work. Would like to get a podcast in later as well. Feel I need a bit more recovery medicine than normal today

Day 103

Don't know where yesterdays entry went so will put two on today.

Tough day. It was all going well, no gambling etc but then received an email saying our landlady is looking to sell the house and I will be contacted by a valuer. Well that just about sums everything up. Need to stay calm but I really didn't need anything else on my plate at the moment. Still won't beat me back into gambling.

Day 104

I've done a lot of work today on my recovery including steps work with my sponsor and GA meeting tonight which was superb

Day 105

Good day today. Counselling was good although I was asked - Do I feel heard. That's a tough question. I would have to say yes I am being heard by fellow addicts in the recovery space but no in my person life. 

Did some 12 steps work this afternoon after seeing parents. Then went to my first GA open meeting which was very emotional. 

Really need some sleep. Not getting much at the moment, can't get to sleep or stay asleep

Anyway. One day at a time

@lp5vut869c That’s lovely Stuart 👌. Sometimes in life, we all just need some positive words of support, praise and encouragement to make our days better.

I am approaching day 175 soon I think? (Will have been 2 years on 1st April apart from 2 separate lapses) so will update my diary on day 175 hopefully.

Take care and enjoy the spring days ahead - my favourite time of the year!🌷🌸🌼🐣.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@lp5vut869c Hi Stuart.

I can only imagine how this made you feel!😱. I had a similar shock happen to me when I was abruptly finished up in work by the clients I was working for through an agency.  This as you know, has since left me unemployed and worried sick!

One thing I do know however and feel extremely strong and determined about, is that I WILL NOT resort to gambling as a “quick fix”. People like us know only too well, where this will lead - destruction, devastation and even more debt! No thank you 💪👊.

Just do what I am doing and keep breathing and take things day at a time. That’s all we can do when faced with such situations 🤞🙏🙏.

Will keep you in my nightly prayers 🙏.

Take it easy.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Pink Lady

I consider us to be friends but I don't know your name. Thank you for your reply. It's a really tough week. On top of a pending police interview and we know where that is going, which is in two weeks time, I had to even ask where the police station was as I've never been in trouble before. Two days ago we were told that our landlady wants to sell our house. I'm out for a walk this morning so rather than escaping life and losing £s I am trying to lose lbs (for those not of our age group it's the old weight measurement). It's a struggle and I'm worried about my two disabled children let alone my parents in their 80s , my father is bed ridden and I'm their support system. That said everyday is a new day one day at a time and I can't affect the future, only be the best I can today.

How is the job hunting going ? You never know we might meet in prison at this rate as I think you worked in them before ? Sorry if that's wrong

Those relapses are just practice runs to keep you on your feet. Count is as how many days you haven't gambled or looked it that way and don't get hung up on the 2 relapses, it's just a number anyway

Keep strong and just for today don't gamble, sleep, wake up and repeat 

Stuart

Day 106

Good day. No urges, no thoughts of gambling and no back door thoughts from my addiction trying to play tricks on me. 

Finished off my work for step 2 of GA which has been incredibly insightful.

Chatroom at 8 pm tonight was enjoyable and done good conversations

Counselling is still playing on my mind and the question I was asked of am I being heard

Good chat with my sponsor and two other GA fellows today after two powerful meetings this week. Not sure I will ever get over the love in those rooms and the hope and friendship. 

Long walks today and 30k in steps 

Spent quite a lot of time on here and the get Evive app 

Crammed all I could into the day really so it was a good day mixed between recovery work and helping my family