Degenerate XII

Day 168

Groundhog day. Just watching Scottish Grand National this time.

Finding this forum wasnt too easy, unsure about the new lick of paint. Old website was a bit dated though.

Added a post with more detail to Feedback section but I was rather surprised to see my custom Gravatar image attached to my supposedly anonymous Profile. I use the image for some work related things. Someone else could have recognised this. Use of gravatars should not be the default setting.  

Dear Degen,

I have read your feedback and will pass it on to the developers. 

Congratulations on 168 days gamble free, it is good to see you are back on the wagon.

All the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Keep it going, fantastic effort

Thanks holycrosser.

No strong urges recently but I went to the chippy and the girl couldn't work the card machine, I had some change but I was a quid short of getting what I went in for. As I walked out the chippy, I noticed the bookies next door was open and looking all warm and cosy inside. I thought about gambling just to get the little money to buy food. I thought it wouldnt count as its such a low amount. Fortunately, I saw sense and moved on.

Day 202

Last month I was very close to progressing my initial enquiry to StepChange. I filled out the form and just had to pull the trigger. My debts went from barely manageable to unmanageable as my Credit Card debts lost their introductory rates.

This month, when payday came along and all my bills were due to be paid, there was quickly no money in the account and a bunch of payments bounced. I would have had no money for the rest of the month.

Fortunately, I also managed to get a new job last month and I was able to leave my previous role on good terms and I was to be paid till the end of the month despite only working a couple of days. This month only I will be getting another partial wage which will help me get to the end of the month and my next full wage should be enough to manage my debts going forward.

I was very close to being in a mess this month. I was not expecting my outgoings to be much more than my incomings on payday. Not a clue how I would have got to work had I not got this money from new job. Feeling very lucky.

For the first time in at least six months I have about £50 for myself, that I don't have to put towards debts. I have been thinking of gambling much more recently as a result.

Day 236

I stupidly watched a racing channel the other day and had been very tempted to back a horse at Royal Ascot. I managed to avoid backing the loser. I thought I would lose the urge to gamble when the race was over but I still feel an urge. Need to get some blocks in place, only one bet away from being back in a mess. Technically, still in a mess as a result of gambling. Only just keeping head above water and that is due to end soon as new job is temporary. I will not gamble!

Hi deg

it must be hard this week with Ascot.  I have not betted on horses so not a temptation for me so I am lucky.  It’s everywhere at the moment.  Not sure how you gamble be it online or in the bookies can you exclude yourself from them?

try and stay strong

sarah 

Day 239

I thought I was getting some bad news regarding work and although it was expected I immediately decided I was going to gamble later in the day. Turns out, I was given the wrong indication and I have been given an extra 6 weeks in temporary job.

I was hoping for more but a decision is unlikely to be made this month. I am disappointed, I might do the same in another 6 weeks.  I need to prepare better I was expecting the role could end and I should have better prepared for disappointment. I didn't gamble, I was very close though.

Hi deg

gambling for me was an escape so I can see the temptation if real life takes a negative.  You resisted which is great.  Can you start looking for more work now? Not sure of your situation whether holding out for more or a possible redundancy issue and you don’t want to lose that.  Totally get that.  But a new employer would to.  Not sure what line of work you are in.  We have waited for good people though who may want redundancy.  Just a thought to save the roller coaster of emotions and have control.

take care Sarah x

Day 246 (3 days ago)

On Saturday, I gambled. Some plans got cancelled and I was annoyed and bored and I decided that was a good enough reason to gamble. Boredom. First 5 bets, 4 won, 1 lost. More than decent winnings I left and did some shopping and thought I will not gamble again for at least a few weeks and put it down to a small mistake but walking away was progress.

By late afternoon, I got bored again so decided to gamble away all my winnings and original stake, then go into the bank and withdraw some more and lose that, then I went home and got my credit cards and withdraw money and lost all that. Before I knew it was time to get some sleep. The time flew by on Saturday. Only cost me around a months wages. I got little sleep.

The next day

Depressed. Barely moved the whole day. Cut up credit cards and made a new money plan. I dint gamble and vowed to never gamble again.

Today

First bookies I saw I went straight in. I needed some nice wins so backed outsiders and won an amount I decided I needed to get through the next few months. Walked out the bookies and in to the bookies next door. Lost, lost and lost again. Hopeless. Down to my last, I decided to make one large bet, I didn't even look at form I just figured out what odds I needed to recoup all my lost money by placing the rest of my money on and picked the first horse at that price. Miraculously, it won. I was very close to being in a total mess for who knows how long. I dont feel one bit good about the win. I am just numb. Why do I put myself through this? 

Going to contact Gamcare via some other channel. Netline or whatever its called now. I have been in this position before and just ended up losing again.  Sigh.

"All the advisors are busy at the moment, please try again later, Thanks.."

Meh.

Oh man - respect for sharing your story and appreciate the honesty. 

You're in a very dangerous place right now - the win coarsing through your veins like a toxic nectar...

Do something asap to limit all access to money until you get some support somewhere... Or that mess you spoke will become your reality in the blink of an eye.

You did a great thing coming on here and reliving the last few days events - hopefully this will serve as some therapy and see you through until you get some proper support and watertight blocks back in place.

I wish you all the best, keep in touch

Don't forget what a dangerous place you are in right now... The toxins are in your system as we speak. I hope you are able to stay afloat until they are purged. Lose all access to money for now, please.

✊?

Wise words @signalman. Thanks for your advice. I have shifted all my remaining money towards CCs. I get paid tomorrow and it will be a few working days before my win has transferred to my bank account. I intend to move that money as soon as it's available in my bank account. 

I am going to be strict on myself and try to pay off a debt this month and next month. I would have had to be strict had my gambling gone wrong. I will live as if I had lost. Don't mind paying debts at this moment as its in a better place.

A couple of gambling thoughts. I have very small winnings and I kind of want to gamble with only that money because I don't deserve the little profit I have. Also, I lost all my money on Saturday in a certain bookmaker who was giving me pitying looks and I want to win lots of money in front of her to show I actually won my money back. So fkn stupid. I cannot accept losing. Stupid thoughts. Moving on.

I know I am addicted to losing. Winning does not give me the same buzz as constantly losing. I cannot gamble ever again.