Diary 2

It's amazing how the mind of a CG even in recovery can work. I've just spent hours trying to find the cheapest deal for a day return to London and yet I would robotically (i.e. without thought) lose £50 on horse races in 15/20 minutes.

Dear Diary: I have been very reflective over the last few days about the very brief but antagonistic post I wrote in the chatroom a few days ago before scuttling off suddenly so obviously I still say to anyone I offended massive apologies for my clumsy post and exit. Yet, I still believe in my heart - me - not talking about anyone else which caused the upset that if I had been bailed out I would not have taken responsibility for the chaos I caused - whether I was 24, 34 or now 44. So again I reiterate my post was clumsy and should have been about me than other people but I believe I could have borrowed the money from specific family members or in-laws which would have involved massive deceit and BS - "oh, I need the money for x,y,z". So what I am saying is is an individual I should have been more considerate to other people in the chatroom but from my own perspective and ongoing journey being "bailed out" at the time and where my head was was at would have been a disaster. I have to take to take responsibility for my debts and behaviour and what caused a 3 year addiction - fortunately with the DMP I am not in dire straits but I still have to pay off an unauthorised overdraft, payday loans etc. Believe me I had some comments from friends and "tough love". I understand the vulnerability of someone in their early days - so am I. I hope I don't get any snotty responses because this diary entry was an apology as well as an opinion. Anyway didn't bet today - as always (well coming back to it!) one day at a time. Best wishes, Phil.

Hi Phil,

I didn't see what happened in the chat but I agree with what you are saying regarding being bailed out. For me anyway I have worked out a budget on how I am going to get out of debt and how long it's going to take me. And I feel that it is vital for me to do this slowly and steady as I can begin to appreciate the value and consequences of money once more. I want to be able to remain gamble free and feel proud that I managed to pull myself out of this mess day by day, month by month and year by year. After all, I know for a fact when I am debt free (December 2018) that I'll never ever allow myself to have access to that kind of money on credit again. But then again I can understand from another point of view that a financial situation could be so terrible that being "bailed out" might be the only option. Luckily though whilst I have next to no money, I have set up repayment plans and I will survive these horrible few months before really being able to start paying it off properly.

Congratulations on being gamble free another day.

Phil,

None of us are perfect...Not any of us. I think that if we all show tolerance and acceptance for each other, we can rub along rightly as a Gamble Free community. I have passed on my email address to admin. Do with it what you will. If you choose to send me an email, I will fire one straight back to let you know I have got it..Otherwise business as usual. i just wanted to be able to speak to you, without feeling that I was talking about your private business....

Anyways take care.

Julie x

Julie - it's fine. I want everything to be out in the open (plus this forum is anonymous depending on how much information an individual discloses) and honesty is part of recovery I think. Best wishes, Phil x

still me - was a bit sick of "samephil"!

Interesting posts elsewhere about debt management plans. Here's something I just read:

http://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/questions/askjames332.html

The thing with me was that I was getting letter after letter daily, loads of phone calls and text messages, knocks on the door from payday lenders and I knew that because I was in so much arrears my credit rating was wrecked anyway. I agree with some opinions about the possible long-term consequences but setting up a DMP has given me some - actually quite a lot of - peace of mind. As long I stick to the arrangement the creditors are off my back plus it's part of me taking responsibility for my debts. I pay a specific amount each month to Stepchange and they split it proportionatally amongst my creditors. Obviously it's an individual decision which needs thought put into but for me it was the best option when I stopped gambling to deal with my creditors and hopefully at some point my credit rating will have improved. As I say I think it's an individual thing. Best wishes, Phil.

Dear diary- more reflection. I think I stopped because I was ready to stop - something clicked in my head. Now, no easy journey even after a year and I am in no way implying I know the score. Could gamble tomorrow - who knows? All I know is for me ODAAT (yeah!) no horses, machines, online betting, lottery tickets, tombolas, scratch cards or sweep stakes. That's my commitment - it is not easy and I know other people have their own views on the route/journey - whatever. Early days can be very hard - guess like someone who admits they are an alcoholic walking past a pub two days after their last drink but desperate not to drink. My life improves daily despite other issues which I have to deal with and re-building my relationship with my lovely wife is great. Just my views and like I said I know it is not easy initially but I HAD to make that commitment and if anyone reads my diary I believe you can as well - you are stronger than you believe and worth more as a person. Best wishes, Phil. PS I never got into machines so I will not comment on them but can understand the related struggle.

I had another "creditor" in touch today and this guy was like a crocodile - just wouldn't let it go and the so-called debt wasnt related to gambling. I never answer numbers on my mobile that are private or I've looked up online. The thing is I dispute the debt but I can't be bothered with the hassle under our circumstances - He can't prove it and neither can I but I know I had a load of letters from this company that I didn't open - me in the wrong - and I've had a guts full. SO I guess I need to come sort of arrangement with this company because I know they bought the debt and will not let it go. Good day apart from that plus I renewed my self-exclusion from several Laddies shops for another year. See you in chat maybe, Phil.

I'm in London with my wife. Bookies everywhere but no temptation. Hope you are all well. Phil

Nine hours on the bus there and back for a one hour appointment in London yesterday. Where are these cheap in-advance train tickets? Do they exist? £180 for a day return on the train or £26 with National Express....a no brainer but knackering plus I hate the underground. Still we achieved something and with all measures in place another bet-free day. Best wishes, Phil.

Interesting post elsewhere about deceit. I remember a guy in Brighton who had been clean of drugs and alcohol for thirty years - great guy, very rarely judged, simply wanted to help other people through AA and other organisations or individually. I remember he said to me once "addicts, in my experience, are notorious liars." Now I'm not saying that is true in all cases but it certainly hit a nerve with me at the time with my issues with a particular narcotic and it hit a nerve with me in February last year. I lied ALL the time to my friends, my family, people I barely knew and particularly my wife. I know I am a fallible human being who can be spiteful or angry at times which I need to address and am trying to do so but I know I can look anyone in the eye and if asked "how's your luck" respond with 100 per cent truthfullness "I don't gamble". Some people I haven't seen for a while are stunned and respectfully ask why/how etc. I have no problem with answering this question briefly. I still feel shame but not the shame I felt when I was an active CG. As I've said before, not just the money in my view, but behaviour, lying, messed up head, anger, jealousy, isolation etc. Life isn't like that now one day at a time. Best wishes, Phil.

Excuse me? You are moderated not because of what you said about Gamcare but because of comments you made to other forum users despite your denial. I don't have any rules and have admitted my own behaviour on my post above. I do not want a spat on my diary page and have flagged your comment as abusive. Phil

Hello Phil72,

We encourage people to only post about recovery and recognise that sometimes people have disagreements, we encourage people to be open and honest and sometimes other members may have different views but everyone should be respectful of each others views. The post has been delted as this is not inline with recovery or discussing recovery. We remind forum users to keep posts about recovery and supportive.

If there are any disagreements please contact the moderators via email Forum.Admin@gamcare.org.uk and maybe we can all come to an understanding.

Please all feel free to share and provide support. We wish you all the best in the recovery journey

Kind Regards

Forum Admin

Hi Phil,

Good to see you in chat tonight. Maybe you need to sort out whatever is going on outside of chat. I hate to say it, and I actually really have time for you, but your conversation on chat tonight, make things a little awkward. I know you probably didn't mean to do that, but if your having an issue with someone, which it is obvious there is an issue, then it maybe best to sort it out first and not bring it to chat. No one else is involved in that issue, but by constantly drawing attention to the fact that there is an issue, it makes me people feel uncomfortable. I hope you get it sorted, and am here if you need to chat, but have a think on it. See you in the week hopefully.

Julie x