Diary of a familiar tale

Day 104 gamble free,

Trucking along, progress seems sooo slow but that is my impatient attitude. I want to be cured, i want to come out of the other end of the tunnel even though I know neither of those things will happen.

The main difference from when I started this diary is that I now believe I can get through today without gambling and in the beginning I didn't think that was possible. A magic force field would suck me into a bookies, I would never be able to walk past.

i don't know about tomorrow, that is a whole new challenge, but today, just for today, I will not gamble.

paulds

Day 109 gamble free,

954 until debt free- countdown from 1460.

Managed not to have a bet on the football season which is a big relief. Getting back to enjoying sports for what they are is a big challenge, I still miss the excitement of those bets. Idiotic but true, I have to find my excitement elsewhere. Gambling leads to a devastatingly miserable life. A life based on deception, lies, bad mental health and poverty. I just don't want that life anymore.

Paulds

Hey, Paul

Sounds like you're starting to notice the little changes and marks of progress, as they come. I can relate to your feelings of impatience.

Where do you find your excitement now? I think this is a sticking point for many addicts - they just miss the dopamine. I find it comes back in time but for a while you worry that it won't.

Take care,

f x

Hi paulds,

Well done on passing the 100th day gamble free. Keep believing and keep posting!

Warm regards

Forum Admin

121 days gamble free.

Hi Freda,

Thanks for popping by, much appreciated, a few words of support from a fellow diarist can make all the difference. Replacing those highs is a real tough one, before hating gambling and its consequences I used to actually enjoy it, I gambled small amounts each week on football matches and got a real buzz.

I definitely need that buzz in my life somewhere, that thrill, enjoyment, I just know that gambling now leads to destructive behaviour, lying, mental health problems, physical health problems, being close to bankruptcy, loneliness, suicidal thoughts and all round misery. So what can replace it? I am not sure I really want to as other activities provoke similar feelings that I am afraid of. Even playing competitions for free I can feel myself thinking what if I win? My heart starts beating furiously as it would do in my gambling days.

However, for me, looking for other pleasures is key. I can now enjoy simple pleasures, watching the sunset, watching my kids play int eh park, going up and down the slide again to peals of laughter, all things I would have have wanted to be finished as quickly as possible if I was gambling.

Playing and watching sport again is a tough one, I used to do it for fun and pleasure in the past, but rewiring my brain after 20 years of gambling, remodelling my behaviour is tough. I have to change myself as well as my behaviour, it is not just stopping gambling, it is learning how to be a decent human being again…..

Thanks also to Forum admin, appreciate the support and kind words, thanks for taking the time to stop by.

Paulds

Paul's.
Fella I often read posts like yours and smile inside.
A quote from a film
I need the buzz!!!
Well buy a bloody bee hive then!!

Fella the truth for me is the buzz will never be replaced, but in the same breath the feeling of total loss and self loathing and isolation will equally never be replaced.
Fella for me it's simple
We win every day we decide not to place a punt.
You are winning.
Only a fellow compulsive gambler will truly understand that and for me that is why this forum is such an important part of my life today.

Keep on keeping on my old friend.
With it keep winning.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 129 gamble free

934 days until debt free

Wise words Duncan, agree with everything you say. For me It is not so much about replacing that buzz, more about living life again, breathing, talking and functioning in a normal way.

Had a few thoughts about gambling but all necessary blocks are in place and that is another summer successfully negotiated. It shows I can go long periods without gambling so now just going to aim not to gamble today that is all. My target is to get to day 130 which is tomorrow.

Paulds

Day 137 gamble free.

926 days until debt free

Just checking my bank account for the last month and every entry was to pay a bill, not even a tuppence spent on anything else. I was depressed for a while but then thought how lovely it is not see gambling debits. Day by day I get stronger. Still one slip from disaster, got to keep my guard up , just want to get to day 138 that is all. If I take care of the days then the weeks will take care of themselves.

Paulds

Day 165 gamble free

898 until debt free (countdown from 1460)

And breeeeathe, gamcare is back, posting is back, my strength is back. Had I gambled it would not have been because I couldn't login, never blame anyone else, they are volunteers doing their best, it can seem that no progress has been made but behind the scenes no doubt frantic emails were being sent.

Above all it showed me how important gamcare has become, a lighthouse that we notice most when it doesn't work.

People make this forum so I am marvelling this evening at each poster who tries their best abstain and at the same time help others. I salute you all in these difficult times. Never give up, never give in, never believe you are alone.

Together we are stronger, each gamble free day robs these vile institutions of profit, only in unison can we bring about change.

Stay safe and strong,

Paulds

Day 173 gamble free,

Still stopping myself look too far ahead as I have been adding up how many days will it have been if I stay gamble free until Christmas.

Impatience is my enemy, just for today I will not gamble, just for today I will not gamble.

Targets always will lead to downfall, they provoke in me feelings of 'what if..' and 'if I can just...' These were similar feelings to when I gambled.

Apart from this they are too far off, too much pressure, just concentrate on today, that is all just try to get to day 174.

Stay safe and strong.

Paulds

Day 179 gamble free,

I go through days now without thinking about gambling which is good. Still just aiming for day 180 that is all. Take care of the days and the weeks will take care of themselves.

I can see the light at the end of the financial mess tunnel as well, 2 more years plus change and I will be saving for my childrens future at long last. Step by step

Paulds

Day 191 gamble free

872 days until debt free

Just aiming to get through tomorrow gamble free that is all.

Next week I have to go to a new city where there will be lots of opportunities to gamble. Stay strong and don't give in will be the key.

If nothing changes then nothing changes. Make that change! Control your own destiny.

Paulds

Hello paulds,

Congrats on 191 days GF. While i do get the backwards "debt free" countdown i just hope you have more pride in the first number (GF days) than the will of the second to pass. Im still in a reasonable amount of debt, and im looking at around 6-700 days until i am debt free but i've shifted my focus away from that. Don't get me wrong i'll be happy and glad when its gone but im less about wanting to wish the days away and more about maxing out each day i get.

Keep on the right track and you'll get there!

All the best.

Day 62 gamble free,

746 days until debt free

I lapsed in early January , it was only a few pounds and didn't do any financial damage but complete abstinence is the only way. I am never giving up and this diary is part of my resistance to a life of gambling. I have so many other priorities now and gave to keep choosing the path that doesn't lead to pain and misery.

Have to stay safe and strong

Day 66 gamble free

742 until debt free

I have urges to gamble but they are like the old ones I used to have before discovering fobts. A few pounds on a horse or the football, I know of course that this is my brain trying to trick me and I won't fall for it.

Looking back on my diary I have also realised that this is when I am more likely to relapse. Sounds stupidly simple but it doesn't always happen straight away, the seed of gambling thought is planted and then bears a dreadfully destructive fruit days or weeks later.

Time to do something different instead, like a distraction technique for a toddler, sometimes I feel that that part of my brain didn't develop from when I was a child, still the same childlike illogical thoughts where I can't see the danger of gambling , like a three year old who is thinking of playing with the gas oven k***s,-edit- ha ha that word has been censored, let's say gas oven switches or dials instead.

To get through today is the aim that is all, tomorrow is another day to fight.