For My Family.... chapter 2

🙂 🙂 🙂

Cathyx

Day 39...

Morning all, hope everyone is well.

So after the high of Friday and attending my first GA meeting on Thursday evening, a nice weekend followed with family. We went to Edinburgh and spent the weekend with my brother, sister in law and niece. It was amazing if I'm honest. Hardly touched my phone and had absolutely no urge to gamble.

However it all disintegrated with a very tearful conversation with my wife last night followed by very little sleep. My wife got a good sleep for the first time in a week though, so for that I am thankful.

We have agreed to put a brave face on over Xmas and New year however I'm not sure where our relationship is heading after that. I don't really know what brought it on last night. I think the pressure and stress of the last 7 days just hit me like a bus last night and a lot of emotion came flooding out.

I'm still hopeful that we can work things out but until the debt arrangements are in place my wife is feeling really insecure, who can blame her. It will take a lot of hard work but hopefully she will feel our marriage is worth saving. I love her and the kids to bits but even last night felt like a real fraud telling her that. She knows and can see how much effort I am putting in to change things. GA meetings, waiting on a counselling appointemnt, blocking software, handing over finances. Guess I just have to keep working at it and show her I mean business.

On the blocking software topic, I downloaded K9 and installed it on my iphone5 and now my phone ain't working!!! Any advice would be welcome please? Feel like throwing it against the wall and just screaming. Maybe just the lack of sleep causing that though.

Head up and keep walking the talk, it was never going to be a smooth journey.

Consistancy and communication will get you through.

Positive thought

Sbb

Couldn't put it any better than sbb does above. Stay positive.....

Things may not turn out how you want them to but it's got to be better than living a lie right??

Heading up to Edinburgh for xmas on Friday myself. Don't get back often these days so really looking forward to it.

I have never tried to install any blockers by I'm sure I read a while back that K9 didn't really work well with iPhones. Hopefully someone with a bit more info will be able to help out more.

Damo

Day 40.... 10 more days until I hit the half century, which coincidentally is a day before my birthday. An early present!!

Thanks for the comments above and yes you are both correct. It feels so good to have come clean to my wife and finally face up to my issues. Positive thinking is the way forward for me now.

This lunchtime I spent calling credit card companies that I owe money to. I am staggered by the amount of help there is out there, it really has been an eye opener for me. Can you believe Barclaycard even offered to organise me counselling for gambling problems!?!?!

Feeling better today and looking forward to coming off on Friday for Christmas with my family and friends.

Day 42.... GA meeting number 2 tonight and actually looking forward to it. No gambling to report.

Have a good day everyone. x

Day 43... Just about to finish work for 10 days and head home to spend Xmas with my wife and kids. I probably won't be on here much over the holidays as trying to stay away from phone, laptop etc.. and concentrate on the important things in life which I am incredibly lucky to still have.

Just had to say this though. Where I was only a fortnight ago and where I am now, well the difference is incredible. And a lot of the reason for that is due to people on this forum taking the time to read my diary and give advice. If it wasn't for a lot of you I would be preparing for the worst Xmas of my life. But just by opening up and telling people and attending GA meetings, everything has changed. It was only my second meeting last night but already I feel I have found somewhere that I want to go, where people understand what I have gone through and have been where I was.

If you are struggling but are wary of going to GA (I know I was), please just give it a go. That and opening up to my wife has probably saved my life.

Have a nice Christmas everyone and let 2017 be gamble free for every one of us.

Proudarab x

Enjoy your Christmas, Proudarab. Congratulations on your 43 days, massive achievement. Keep it going.

Hi PA

Great to see you doing all the right things and reaping the benefits. Have a peaceful Christmas 🙂

Day 47...

Having a tough time of it the last couple of days. Christmas went ok and there has been no gambling.

But things between my wife and I have become very tough over the last couple of days. She is struggling to come to terms with what I have done and who can blame her.

She feels in a no win position as she says she is struggling to be happy living with me after what I have done and can barely look at me at the moment. But if I were to leave she is worried about me and the impact it will have on our kids.

Just a little while ago she showed me the letter I wrote to her 4 years ago after the last time it happened. I actually felt sick reading it, it says all the things I've said this time as well. How it will never happen again and how lucky I am to have this and that. So who can blame her for not believing me? I know it's the whole actions speak louder than words thing but I am absolutely terrified I've lost them for good this time.

What on earth should I be doing now?? I've destroyed everything.

Hi Proudarab

Long time no speak but just caught up with your posts and well done mate for coming clean. I have remained clean since the end of September now but have still not gone to GA and I think you have inspired me to look into starting in the new year.

You seem to be at that weird stage I was at after telling my wife, where you feel amazingly better down to the relief mainly of not suffering on your own and not living the lie anymore, but everyone else close is feeling devastated. Your wife is a difficult one because I, as you, promised it would never happen again the previous time it happened although we both should have realised I'd been gambling on and off for years and years so it was unlikely. The reason i didn't come clean is because I wanted to win everything back and avoid her suffering which again is nonsense because ultimately the longer I left it the more money I lost.

The only help I can offer you with regard to your wife is if she controls finances completely (I have my salary paid in to her account) then it will be very difficult for you to gamble without her knowing and if your keep up the GA indefinitely you have a good chance of kicking it for good.

Hopefully she will try for the kids sake initially even if not for yours until she sees your efforts to beat your addiction.

Like you say who can blame our partners for feeling like they want rid of us all we can do is slowly but surely prove to them we are determined to beat this and the driving reason is to keep them and the family.

Good luck mate hope all works out

C

I've posted this elsewhere but the damage done by gambling to the OHs is extensive. I personally don't buy into the idea (myth?) that you're the one with the problem, not her. She should get targeted help and support for her situation. As ever, long term, one meeting won't change much but if she were to go to GamAnon or complete a course of counselling, it can only help her.

Nothing heals overnight but you have to start somewhere. However painful for you, at least you can see where she's coming from.

KOKO.

CW

Day 49... feels longer than this and not really feeling like 50 days is anything to celebrate as been here before.

Thanks for your comments CW, it's going to be a long road for myself and my wife but hopefully one we can work our way through. We both know she needs help. The damage I've done is something that will live with me forever, probably a good thing as I'm sure that this along with the blocks and attending GA is going to stop me gambling ever again. Hope you had a good Christmas?

Hey Chris, it's good to hear from you now and again as our situations seem very similar.

I wouldn't say I feel amazingly better however the relief of coming clean was immense. I'm not sleeping well at all, however not waking up with that feeling of drowning and actually confronting the debts is a relief. had a really good chat with my wife last night. Although I got quite upset (again), it does help to chat and we spoke a little about how things will have to be moving forward. How are things between you and your wife?

I would thoroughly recommend GA mate. So glad I took that step and I'm looking forward to my meeting tonight. Keep me posted how you get on.

Hi PA

I can identify with everything your wife is saying at the moment. That and more was all said here. There isn't anything you can do to make it better at the moment other than doing as you are i.e. complete openness and transparency along with absolute patience in answering whatever she asks and taking the tears and anger on the chin. Has she got complete control of the finances? Mr L does have his own account because his employers wouldn't pay his salary into an account without his name on it and I'm not having it go into the joint account he can access but his account is the basic one without OD facilities (offered by several banks although they don't promote them as they cost them to run) and I hold the card and operate it. He doesn't carry cash and I see all the receipts for the joint account. Everything is in my name alone. This goes a long way to reassuring me that were he to relapse he couldn't cause much damage. At least not the financial sort.

I can't comment on Gamanon because for me personally it would have felt like further punishment but anything that she thinks might help is worth trying. What I did do was read anything and everything google could come up with. That could be a further avenue to explore for her. Does she have RL support? Tea and a sympathetic, objective ear from someone not directly involved may also help. Ask your fellow GA members for tips too. They will all have been where you are.

Hey Proudarab, I've only just seen this thread and caught up on it. I haven't had much time to get on here with me being off, I decided to focus my time on my family and trying to repair the damaged I had caused with my own partner. Anyhoo....I'm so glad to see that you have come clean with your partner, I know how much relief that must have given you but on the other hand I can also understand the pain your feeling towards what you have done with your family. All I can say really is work on yourself, my first week home even though I thought I'd lost everything I focused on getting my mind right and everything else seems to have fallen into place. My relationship with my wife and children is the best it has been for a long long time, I look forward to them finishing work/school so I can see them and spend time with them. Gambling could never ever replace that feeling and I've decided personally what is more important. I'm in the same place as you with the financial side and my wife although extremely supportive has taken steps to protect herself (own account) which I understand, but that won't be forever if I can prove that I want to change. All my credit cards are now cut up and cancelled so my details are wiped from any sites and the replacement cards are in my wifes posession to do as she wishes, starting the end of January I'm hoping to start reducing my debts and moving forward with my life.

Take each day as it comes and hopefully before you know it your family will be one big supportive unit, helping you fight through this. I'm not daft though, I know how much I've hurt my partner with the lies and deceit but only I can repair that. Keep moving forward and don't look back, money is only money and can over time be replaced and paid off. Keep your chin up and as always I'm here to chat, you helped a lot through first few weeks and here I am on day 45 feeling the best I have in a long time, albeit I came clean a bit earlier than you. I hope it all goes well for you PA, wishing you all the best for the new year and please whatever you do remain gamble free for 2017.