Hi Danny,
Good to hear from you, I guess you're back offshore but glad to see things are going well for you and your family.
Working on myself is all I can do really. I can't really control what happens between myself and my wife and to be honest I'm not sleeping well at all as it's a load on my mind. So I just have to start next year as I mean to go on and hopefully by this time next year I'll be a better person in a better place.
I'm 50 days gamble free today, I guess that's an achievement but it'll be a lot longer than that before I will be celebrating. It's got to be a lifetime this time but I'm moving in the right direction.
It's also my birthday tomorrow, birthday on Hogmanay. I usually don't enjoy my birthday but this year I'm looking forward to it and going out for lunch with my family, then having the in laws round in New Year's Day will also be nice. Let's hope I can get some sleep tonight so I don't feel shattered!
Lethe, thanks for posting as always, you always give great advice. We're working on the financial arrangements so will all be in place soon. What is RL support? Been racking my brains and can't work it out.
Hey Arab,
Great to read things are slowly improving for you and you are putting things in place to make sure that can continue. Hopefully things will turn out hiw you want them to....far more chance if that happening if you stay gamble free.
Happy birthday when it arrives tomorrow as well.
Oh and RL = Real life
Wish you well.
Damo
Just popped in to wish you a very happy birthday.
Its been quite a journey for us both, and I know that you in particular have been on an emotional rollercoaster.
Of course there is much to be done and much trust to be re-earned but you have come a long way and should be very proud.
I mean even that football team of yours is sitting on top !
Have a peaceful day and here's to a fantastic 2017 for and your family.
Sbb
Hey PA, firstly happy birthday for today and congratulations on getting past day 50. I understand what your saying about it being a lifetime this time, it needs to be a future lifestyle for us all, hopefully most of us can stick to it....I know some won't which is a shame.
Yeah your right I'm back offshore at work now, back to being alone, stressing and sleepless nights which aren't helping. Not a good time to be alone in a single bed wishing you were anywhere else but here.
Hope you enjoyed your birthday meal today with family. Keep up the good work and keep working on yourself and building those bridges. 🙂
Hi everyone.... day 56 today and Happy New Year to everyone.
Back to work today so keeping busy with that. Had a great holiday to be honest without carrying the burden around with me. Unfortunately I pretty much destroyed my wife's holidays after dropping the bombshell before Christmas. Had a tough one last night as she came out with a few home truths about how she is feeling and what I have done to our lives looking towards the next few years. She's not sure if she will be able to live with me in the long term. Who can blame her, what I have done is probably no worse than having an affair for the last few years, telling her it was over then carrying on with it for another 3 years. What was I thinking about??
However I'll just have to take it on the chin. As she said last night there is absolutely nothing I can do to save our marriage now. Hopefully she can find a way to save it as I don't know what I'll do without her nd the kids if it comes to that. She also said that she is looking forward to going back to work today as it'll give her some space from me. I was gutted when she said that.
Anyway, GA meeting tonight, onwards and upwards I guess.
Hope you are all well.
PA
Day 58...
No gambling to report but feeling strangely down today and I've no idea why.
Had my 4th meeting at GA on Thursday and really struggled with it. I think Wednesday nights chat with my wife has been a massive blow to my confidence. I feel like I have been doing really well but some of the things she said really knocked me for 6. Everything has been fine since but just really struggling with the guilt now.
She is away out today to her friends birthday celebrations so it's just me and the kids so should be having a good time, but they were up until midnight last night at a new year party and have spent the day niggling at each other, driving me nuts.
Hopefully feel better tomorrow.
Proudarab wrote:
Day 58...
No gambling to report but feeling strangely down today and I've no idea why.
Had my 4th meeting at GA on Thursday and really struggled with it. I think Wednesday nights chat with my wife has been a massive blow to my confidence. I feel like I have been doing really well but some of the things she said really knocked me for 6. Everything has been fine since but just really struggling with the guilt now.
She is away out today to her friends birthday celebrations so it's just me and the kids so should be having a good time, but they were up until midnight last night at a new year party and have spent the day niggling at each other, driving me nuts.
Hopefully feel better tomorrow.
A bit low myself PA.
There are going to be days like these.
We have both come a long way.
Stay strong.
Sbb
Thanks for reading my diary and for your insightful comment. Sounds like you are in a good place, despite feeling a little down. The only way is up I think? Congrats on 58 days 🙂
Hello 🙂 58 days....your days seem to be flying up whereas mine seem to be going very slowly....how does that happen?!
You just have to take whatever the wife says on the chin and hope that time is a great healer. She will see after time passes how sorry you are and that when you did this the first time the proper barriers were not put in place. The only thing you need to worry about is staying on the straight and narrow and paying those debts off 🙂 if she didn't still love you she would have kicked you out - have faith that with time things will improve, and they will improve for the better because there will be no more secrets.
As for the kids.....I hear ya.....so glad one is back at school today and the other starting nursery soon 🙂 xxx
Day 62...
Amazing how the days mount up. Nothing new to report really. Got appointment with Citizens Advice on Friday to hopefully move forward with getting a debt management plan in place. I'm currently paying reduced amounts to credit cards which all of them have agreed to and have stopped charging interest. So even though the debts are massive at least they look like they are reducing after making payments rather than the payments getting swallowed up by interest.
Overall, I'm in such a better place than I was when I first started this diary. Don't wake up at 4.30am every morning. I'm focussed at work and so much more productive. OK so things aren't amazing at home with my wife but hopefully the saying "time is a great healer" is very true. At least my wife and kids get my attention noe and I can see a future. 2 months ago all I could see was a black hole along with some very disturbing thoughts. I'm never going back to that place.
Hope everyone is doing well.
PA x
Proudarab wrote:
Day 62...
Amazing how the days mount up. Nothing new to report really. Got appointment with Citizens Advice on Friday to hopefully move forward with getting a debt management plan in place. I'm currently paying reduced amounts to credit cards which all of them have agreed to and have stopped charging interest. So even though the debts are massive at least they look like they are reducing after making payments rather than the payments getting swallowed up by interest.
Overall, I'm in such a better place than I was when I first started this diary. Don't wake up at 4.30am every morning. I'm focussed at work and so much more productive. OK so things aren't amazing at home with my wife but hopefully the saying "time is a great healer" is very true. At least my wife and kids get my attention noe and I can see a future. 2 months ago all I could see was a black hole along with some very disturbing thoughts. I'm never going back to that place.
Hope everyone is doing well.
PA x
Great to see you continuing to make progress PA, as you say you have come a long way.
I too have started to see some early shoots of spring appear, yes it is a long way until we are basking in the sunshine where everything is right and balanced, but we are at least now on the right road mate.
Stay focussed, stay strong and make every day a day closer to what you and your family deserve.
Sbb
Nice words Arab......even in times like this it is nice to feel some positives coming from the difficult times.
Keep focussing on yourself and what ever happens, happens......you will deal with whatever that may be when it arrives.
Wish you well.
Damo
Hi PA, good to see you are seeing the positives of not gambling. Keep a hold of the memory of that dark place, for those days when you might be hit with the urge. I think that's what these diaries are good for - to look back every now and again to our early posts and get a reminder of exactly where we were and how far we've come.
Damo is right. Keep focussing on the things you can change not the things outwith your control.
Keep fighting mate, you are doing well - that 100 day mark is just around the corner.
Day 67... all going well.
Hope everyone is well and had a nice weekend.
Usual Monday just working away for me. Just had a thought a wee while ago. I used the online chat on here last year to try and organise some counselling. Someone from office in Glasgow phoned me on 15th December and said I would get a call from local place to get organised. Still haven't heard anything!! Just as well I'm not desperate to talk to someone as that's a bit long is it not?
Day 70....
Got my counselling organised. First appointment is a week on Tuesday. Not sure if I'm looking forward to it as last time I attended a counselling meeting 4 years ago it was a disaster. Was basically told I don't have a problem as I told the guy I never wanted to gamble again, maybe I'll get to see the same guy this time and show him my credit card statements.
Anyway, can't blame him for where I am now. Gonna miss my GA meeting tonight as have something on with the kids, and a I think I will miss not being there.
Apart from that, I'm full of the cold so feeling rubbish. Also I dropped my phone in the toilet this morning! I would normally be really annoyed but I've put it in a bowl of rice and hopefully it'll be ok. If I'd still been gambling I would have been spending today trying to win enough money to buy a new phone.... and ending up with no phone and even more debt.
Life is so much better without gambling.
PA x
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