For My Family.... chapter 2

Keep being persistent Proudarab it will be worth it in the long run. Counselling was the missing piece of the jigsaw for me - I've wanted to be gamble free for a long long time but couldnt breakaway on my own.

Know what you mean about the diary, I'll soon be a year on the forum and you see people come and go in waves. I know even myself I don't post as much as time goes by but pretty much visit here every day even just for 5 mins before bed etc. And I join a chatroom session most weeks. I realised very early on those who disappear tend to come back months later in a worse position so made it a big part of my recovery to commit to continuing to visit the site as much as possible.

You have to focus on YOU, what you are doing and you are making great strides! Keep it up m8. Well done

Thanks Tommy, you're right I do need to focus on myself but also have the feeling that one to one counselling may be what I am really missing so I will persist, even though I've still not had a call back.

I have my GA meeting tonight, only seem to be getting once a fortnight and if I'm honest, even though I said I was enjoying the meetings I was probably kidding myself. I actually fill with dread before every meeting at the thought of what I'm going to say.

I don't know if all the meetings are the same format but at ours someone does a therapy and then we all get picked at random to say how we are feeling and there is usually a topic of the week that we can speak about. I sit and think for ages about what I'm going to say and when I get picked it never comes out right. It's a horrible experience every time. Maybe I'm not approaching the meetings in the correct way. We always stop for a break halfway and always feel like I'm standing on my own as never sure what to speak to people about.

My kids have different activities almost every weeknight and my youngest has started Karate on a Thursday night while my eldest has football training. At my last meeting a fortnight ago, all I could think about was my boys and how I wasn't there watching them and I could feel myself welling up. This on top of the fact I have to tell them that dad's working late tonight so can't be there. But I tell my wife I'm getting a lot from my meetings when I'm really struggling with it. Feel like if I tell her she will think I'm not really taking it seriously. I'm taking my recovery very seriously but not sure what to do. Anyone have the same feelings??

Hey Arab...I second what tommy says....without my counselling im not sure I would be in the position I am now. So its good to hear you are going to keep chasing it.

If i was you I would speak about the things you are asking on here at your GA meeting. Even if that means having your diary open on your phone so you can remember what you wrote. I remember being very nervous at GA and not always wanting to say what i had to as well. Im sure some of the people that go to GA would have a one on one chat with you as well if you thought t might help.

Anyway its got to be a positive that you are not giving up and getting back into old habbits.....I think that shows how serious you are about stopping.

Damo

Hi PA,

I think if you are not feeling it at the GA group just now, just be honest to them and explain the anxiety you feel speaking in public - maybe speak to the chair seperately and mention this so they don't put you on the spot.

The whole purpose of GA and a support group is that you can talk when you want to but also feel that you can just take a step back and listen if that is what suits you.

To be honest after my first few counselling sessions I felt low - like I wasn't getting anything from it but maybe that is just the gambling voice telling us we don't need this, we're not like them or the reality sinking in of the situation we have put ourselves in.

However a few weeks in and I had a whole different perspective. Stick at it mate.

Hi all, day 125....

Finally got my first counselling appointment through the other day and its at 5.30pm tonight after my work. Bit apprehensive as not sure what to expect but hopefully I get something from it.

GA meeting last Thursday went much the same as previous weeks. Enjoyed listening to other people and when I opened my mouth just rambled a load of nonsense. Feeling like I should be giving more to the group and propbably opening up a bit more but really struggling with it. Not sure if I'll manage tomorrow night either as with counselling tonight life is beginning to revolve around me recovering from gambling. My kids need me around some of the time and my wife has work to go to.

Hope you're all well. PA x

Day 126...

Not been posting as much recently as I make my way through recovery however felt I had to post today as I had my first one to one counselling appointment last night.

To be honest I wasn't sure how it would go as I'm not one for chatting much about my feelings so thought I would go along and probably never go back. How wrong was I!!!! As soon as I sat down with my counsellor I never stopped talking for the next 45 minutes. It was an amazing feeling being able to chat with someone about how I was feeling and what I have done and I probably could've sat there for the next 2 hours and chatted quite happily. So we are going to delve deeper into possible reasons why I have a gambling addiciton and also look to my future and possible triggers.

I didn't sleep well last night though as I my mind was going over and over things and how I have ended up where I am in life. But I'm also feeling bad as I am really struggling with GA. I'm just not enjoying it and don't feel like I'm getting anything from it apart from a sense of guilt if I don't go. I am totally committed to my recovery however I feel as though the only reason I am attending is because I told my wife I would.

Has anyone else found they can make their recovery without GA?? I guess its different for everyone?

PA x

Hi PA, I was able to abstain without GA but I've made more leaps & joined more dots in the last few months since I have been going. Thing is, for me, I don't necessarily enjoy my main meeting either. I do a Steps one beforehand & I love that because it is a directed thought process & I am only thinking about 1 aspect of the program @ any one time. I wonder in a way whether my issue may also be connected to the fear of speaking in large groups. I stumble through my therapies like Mr Blobby on speed & miss half the stuff out that I have thought of throughout the meeting but you know what, that's ok! I've faced a fear just by opening my gob & that's turning a negative into a positive. I reckon on average, I take about 2 minutes...Other people sit there quite comfortably for 22 but then, most of them have been coming for years. I still haven't figured out how the meetings themselves keep people 'safe' but what matters is they do. Working the steps properly is another layer altogether

As compulsive gamblers we are very adept @ talking ourselves into & out of situations & doing things so you could quite easily produce a very good argument for jacking in the GA group. But, ask yourself this, how many people are on here & how many are in 'long term' recovery then look @ the statistics in your room...If it's anything like the ones I've been to, the 'success rate' is way higher in the program. No-one says GA is the only way, of course counselling & therapy can help but if the GA meetings give your wife a bit of a security blanket then isn't that something worth fighting for?

Hi ODAAT, thanks for your comments, makes a lot of sense.

Had my second counselling appointment again last night and it is really what I needed. Feel a bit like I'm sitting there rambling on about stuff that has nothing to do with gambling. When I left my meeting I felt a bit low but on the drive home a couple of things started to click into place in my mind.

How does this sound to everyone, sounds awful to me, but for some reason I've blamed my wife for me being in the position I am in just now. When I came clean back in 2013 about my gambling issues and the massive debt I was in, she told me that if it happened again we were over and I'd lose her and the boys. So when I took the crazy decision to start gambling again 6 months later I wish I'd had the guts to tell her right away, but I didn't, because she had given me that ultimatum. If I had told her then I wouldn't now be in thousands of pounds of debt, but she would also have helped me back then, not kick me out as I had believed. I know it's all my fault and ultimately it was my fault all along, but I was obviously looking for someone else to blame I guess. Sounds crazy doesn't it???

It's amazing how our minds work when we are in the gambling haze. Something which I am discovering now. I go back through my own diary, and even though I've only been writing for 3 months or so, I don't recognise that person. I can't believe some of the things I did or the person I had become. How can a grown man with a fantastic wife and kids, a nice home and a decent job try and self destruct in such a way??

Proudarab,

I know exactly where you are coming from / How can a grown man with a fantastic wife and kids, a nice home and a decent job try and self destruct in such a way??

So strange how our minds works, to date I am struggling to explain this to myself, why would we put ourselfs and out loved ones through this s**t.

Good luck you are doing a great job counselling really helped me hopefully you will reap the rewards.

Stay Strong Stay G/f

Malc

Realising that our minds aren't always acting in our best interests is shocking, at first.

If we can't trust our minds who or what can we trust?

Our minds will go into fight or flight and seek short term comfort.

Learning to live by values seems the way to go. Learning to do what's important, often in spite of what the mind says.

Best

Louis

Thanks guys.

Really appreciate the comments, always good to hear that I'm not mad and other people have the same feelings.

As you say Louis, learning to live by values is spot on. I not only need to change my habits in terms of gambling, but i need to change a lot of other behaviours. I need to lose weight and get fitter as I don't have a very high opinion of myself at the best of times. This needs to improve. The list actually goes on but I'll start with that one I think.

Anyway it's Friday and it's been another fairly quiet week. Work has been the same as usual, and home has been pretty much the same as usual. Fairly boring stuff, but it has to be better than the car crash of a life I was living this time last year. Remembering that has to be the most important part though.

Off to watch my team play in a cup final tomorrow though!!! Early start as half 12 kick off, so bus leaves at 9am with a couple of pub stops before the game. Should be a good day out if nothing else. 🙂

Hope everyone else has a good weekend.

P.S This "I'm not a robot" thing is a pain in the a**e Gamcare!!

Hi proudarab.

Just been reading through your diary and wanted to say a huge well done on your progress this time around. I am sure it must have been a terrible time for both you and your wife when you come clean. I would also like to say that I really admire your wife sticking by you. It must have been so hard for her at the time. It just shows that deep down, she must really think something of you still and is willing and wanting you to succeed.

Take care and continue making things better for you and your family.

Our Lady

P.s yes, the robot thing really is a Pain in the backside and I am sure it must put people off posting on other diaries! I did email the staff and they said it is an extra security measure for spam mail.

Proudarab wrote:

Thanks guys.

Really appreciate the comments, always good to hear that I'm not mad and other people have the same feelings.

As you say Louis, learning to live by values is spot on. I not only need to change my habits in terms of gambling, but i need to change a lot of other behaviours. I need to lose weight and get fitter as I don't have a very high opinion of myself at the best of times. This needs to improve. The list actually goes on but I'll start with that one I think.

Anyway it's Friday and it's been another fairly quiet week. Work has been the same as usual, and home has been pretty much the same as usual. Fairly boring stuff, but it has to be better than the car crash of a life I was living this time last year. Remembering that has to be the most important part though.

Off to watch my team play in a cup final tomorrow though!!! Early start as half 12 kick off, so bus leaves at 9am with a couple of pub stops before the game. Should be a good day out if nothing else. 🙂

Hope everyone else has a good weekend.

P.S This "I'm not a robot" thing is a pain in the a**e Gamcare!!

All the best PA, you are going great guns.

Good luck to the Tangerines tomorrow.

Enjoy your day.

Sbb

Hey PA, firstly congratulations on the Cup win, and secondly congratulations on your GF period. For me today is 130 days without a bet and I know you were ever so slightly ahead so keep it up...next stop 150. I have been reading your diary through my emails but sorry I haven't been here to comment more, you sound like your doing everything right. You say you want to lose weight and get fitter...I've recently got back into the gym, almost a month now and I haven't felt this good in a long time. Not only physically but mentally too, give it a go.

Keep in touch mate, and good luck.

Day 140...

Once you pop, you can't stop!!! Whoever made that slogan up was bang on.

So my fitness regime is going really well. NOT!!!! Considering going to the doctor and asking him to stitch my mouth up as I can't stop filling it with rubbish. Does anyone believe we replace one addiciton with another? Although I still used to stuff myself when I was betting so I guess it's just the addiction problem not only applying to gambling. Really need to get addicted to something healthy, or maybe not addicted but you know what I mean.

Maybe it's the boredom. Still really struggling with that. No urges to gamble but thinking a lot about why I gambled in the first place and boredom is the only thing I can come up with. There is no real life changing event that I can use as an explanation. Kinda got worse when my dad died 10 years ago, but I can't really figure how that would have made me come within an inch of destroying everything.

I love my wife to bits, and my kids... and that should be enough. Just feel like everything is going to be tough forever more at home. It's not like I gambled a bit and lost a few quid and was forgiven. I almost lost our house, what person in their right mind actually does that? And we will be paying for that for the next 11 years.

Need to change so many things about myself, but so far the only thing I'm really managing to do is not gamble. I guess that'll have to do for today.