For My Family.... chapter 2

Hi P.a.

Just wanted to say well done on you reaching day 140! That is so good. Lovely to see that you still have your home and have not lost that through gambling. That would have been my worse nightmare ever, knowing that everyone would know and more so, be so shocked with me at the reason why!

Keep going and continue to look after your lovely wife and family.

Our Lady

Hi, I often hear boredom touted as a reason for addiction. What they really mean is their life seems to lack purpose & that they have little or no idea what direction their life is heading.

I also hear i have a great partner, kids etc, that should be enough. Why should it?.Who says so?
If you accept that they arent & that you need things outside of them to give you extra purpose & direction in life. To make your life rounded & more fullfulling. Then i believe we begin to move past blame & regret. We stop living in our problems & begin to live in the solution.

Mr Arab,

How's it going not heard from you in a while, hope all is going well in Sunny Dundee.

Stay Strong

Malc

Day whatever it is.....

9.30pm and Mrs Arab off to bed early again... it's Saturday night.

Getting the feeling things are not great right now and all of this has been caused by me and the f*****g gambling. Actually beginning to wonder if there's ever going to be a way through this. Feeling like I should just do them all a favour and leave, then we could all just get on with our lives and she wouldn't have to pretend anymore.

Haven't been feeling like this for quite a while and not really sure where it's come from.

Trying to watch a movie, Patriots Day, 15 minutes in but struggling to focus and it ain't much fun sitting on your own. Would go to bed but don't really feel welcome.

If Anyone is contemplating betting, don't do it. It wrecks your life in the end.

Not that I'm much good at this but you could try asking her what she's thinking instead of second guessing? Communication is key.

CW

Hi PA - you're doing great - stay strong! As CW says above - communication is key! Supporting a loved one through recovery is exhausting, it can be all consuming especially when everyday is a worry about money, gambling triggers etc. sometimes I feel like every conversation I have with mr jj leads back to gambling - it takes time to repair the damage! Trying to break old patterns of behaviour and finding some new common ground and shared interests (therapy homework) is now our focus! Getting 'back to normal' is not an option for us so finding our new normal is what we are trying to do. Stay strong & keep working at it.

Hi all, day 147... I'm not counting, honestly!

So since my last post I have had a great week. Our kids went for a sleepover at their Aunties on Sunday and Monday night and I wasn't sure how me and my better half would get on just the two of us. It was amazing. We ate out, we went for walks, we talked, and it was just the best couple of days I can remember for a long time.

If I'd have been in that situation a year ago, we wouldn't have went out as I'd have been worrying about money, we wouldn't have went for walks as I would be tired and grumpy and we wouldn't have talked as my head would have been buried in my phone or laptop. I'm learning to enjoy the simple things again, my head is clear, I'm eating better and have more energy. And as you say above CW, "communication is key".

I hadn't told my wife how much I enjoyed those 2 evenings as I felt bad because for the last however many years I haven't enjoyed those evenings. But I was at my counselling last night and my counsellor said I should tell her. I did and she really appreciated hearing that.

I have to say that the counselling has been amazing, I'm so glad I organised it Gamcare. I wasn't really sure what to expect but just being able to sit and talk to someone is something I've never done before, especially not someone I'd never met before. I now look forward to my sessions.

Anyway, finish work tomorrow for a week, off to London with my amazing family on Monday for 4 nights. Really looking forward to the break. Also looking forward to the Masters golf at the weekend. I'm a keen golfer and will be looking forward to watching without worrying about who I have money on.

Hope you're all well. PA x

Fantastic.

Smiling and genuinely happy for you.

Keep going mate - We are healing and fast realising what is important.

Off to cheer on the young Spaniard at Augusta.

Sbb

Afternoon PA,

Not sure how I missed that above post but some how I did, You are an inspiration to all of us out there that thought they could not change, look at you now walking, talking watching sport with out betting.

Good on you

Stay Strong Stay G/f

Malc

Thank you for the positive comment on my post.

Just to quote a paragraph from your reply.....

"But the thing is, before all of this came out, I wouldn't have said I had a great marriage. And that was caused by the gambling. Since all of this came out we speak a lot more, I actually listen to what her and the kids say now rather than staring at my phone. I look back 6 months and can't believe that was me."....................end

Those words ring so true, for me being 15 months clean. Brought a tear to my eye, truth hurts, even in a positive way! Thanks again and all the best.

Hi everyone,

Haven't been posting in my diary for the last 2-3 weeks although I have still been on reading others posts now and again.

All has been good in my life over the last few weeks. Had a well earned family break in London for 4 nights. Apart from the 4 hour delay on the train journey down it really was a special time. It's hard to describe to a non gambler the joy of being present in the moment and to enjoy really simple things like the company of your wife and kids, something which has not been in my life the last few years. You people will of course understand. We did loads in London, bus tours, walking tours, boat trips, visit to the zoo (not as good as Edinburgh Zoo!!), went to a show, went on the London Eye etc... it was nice to get back home for a rest by the end of the week.

Counselling has been going great too. Unfortunately my counsellor isn't available for the next 3-4 weeks and I was offered the chance to see a different counsellor. Turned that down as I feel I have a great relationship with my current one and would probably be difficult to build that with a new one. It's amazing going back through the years of gambling some of the things that come out that I had forgotten from my earlier years. Or perhaps I had hidden them somewhere in my head.

But the most useful thing that has come from counselling is how I seem to have rediscovered the ability to speak with my wife. We talk so much more now than we ever did, even before the addiction took hold. I'm never ever going to gamble again as I can't go back to that place. However I now know that if it ever did happen, the first thing I will do is speak to her about it. I wish I could have done this a few years ago, but that's in the past and I can't go on living in the past.

We even sat down at the weekend and worked out our money together. She has always been in control of the household bills and I have taken care of my own stuff. But she didn't want to take complete control of all of the finances without me knowing where everything is going. So she now has full access to my bank account and credit reports, I transfer most of my wages to her on pay day. But we both now know where every penny of OUR money goes. I think for the first time since we got married 11 years ago we are working as a team. I would certainly recommend it.

Gambling doesn't have to ruin your life. But it certainly should make you appreciate life when you come out the other side!!

I hope you are all well and happy.

PA x

Hi all,

175 days, almost at the double century. Seems a lot longer strangely enough.

Not really sure how I'm feeling this week if I'm honest. Had a long weekend and it was a bit of a nightmare. I was in a strange mood all weekend and I'm not sure why. The same mood I used to be in when I wasn't getting a bet on. Short tempered, stressed out, couldn't settle down whatever I did. And of course I had to take my mood out on my wife and kids. This is the 3rd week she has been signed off work too, clearly brought on by the stress of the destruction left by me.

Doesn't help I haven't heard from counselling either about what's going to happen with my sessions. Was told my counsellor would be unavailable for up to a month but have had no other contact. Had really been enjoying it and after 2 weeks away would have been good to get back as was beginning to feel a lot more positive about myself.

This last week I have been thinking about the future without gambling and the idea that I will never be able to have another bet ever again. Back in December I only really thought about stopping gambling, but now 175 days down the line I seem to be thinking more about the way forward. Nobody knows of my gambling problems apart from my wife, however I feel like its only a matter of time before I tell people.

I play a bit of golf and me and mates usually play for a couple of quid, but at the weekend when stakes were discussed I said nothing as I don't gamble anymore. They weren't sure if I was joking or not but nothing else was said. It was like a real conversation stopper. I feel like I just want to tell everyone what I've been through and the damage it caused, if nothing else then at least to make them aware of what could happen if it gets out of control. But really worried they would look at me differently. Not sure what to do.

Hi proud..well done on those days ...really mounting up now..I think we have to accept mood changes as a way of life...even non addicts have highs and lows. I think it's all part of life's journey...for me ...the important bit is how I deal with them....anyway except for running to an online slot is good enough for me...
I totally get what your saying about telling people about your addiction. ...for me..in the beginning I told those who needed to know and a couple close friends.. ..I could actually tell anybody and everybody as far as my feelings go...but I choose not to because of my children's feelings...do they really want all there mates knowing mother's an addict ?
And to safe guard my buisness ...would all my customers understand....or would they judge...there choice entirely...but I need all the trade I can get....so I choose not to confess to all...
I really beleive this is my sensible head talking ...not my addiction hushing me from outing to the world....but as I always say...I'm on a journey....if my feelings change along the way ....I'll 're assess ....keep plodding on ....that's what we got to do x

Hi PA

The friends will get used to it.

As for telling/not telling, there is only one set of friends who know about Mr L (his choice to tell them). Personally I feel it can be a double edged sword in that while you may get some valuable support you could also end up the subject of gossip and even suspicion should money or valuables go missing anywhere. Not saying it will end up like this but it's worth bearing in mind.

All the best 🙂

Hey Arab,

Been in that position many times....i just tell people i dont gamble anymore and that i sued to gamble too much.

So far nobody has taken it any further than that.....and that includes friends of mine who new i had a gambling problem before.

In time i guesss you will become more comfortable about talking about it and as Lethe says above your friends will soon get used to it.

It takes great strength to knock back something like that and shows how serious you are in stopping this time.

All the best.
Damo