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Hi Sandra,

Wish I could say welcome back to lovely sunny UK, but if its the same grey skies you're getting then I think that would be a lie!

Glad you had a nice relaxing holiday at home, recharging the batteries and catching up with the family is important. It's easy to isolate when we get down, but knowing that support is there has always been reassuring for me, even though I don't always call them when I should.

I doubt work will have changed...I'm always surprised after a long holiday that work seems exactly the same as when I left it.

Ryan

Hi S

Pleased to read you are back safe and sound

Weather here has gone to pot but we haven't cos we are abstaining and moving slowly forwards

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thank you all 🙂 xxx

Dear diary,

It's a new day and even if not sunny outside (summer is over i believe...hmmmm..lol) i am gonna make the most of my time off and stay on a wagon....starting with a fresh run to give these lungs some air 😉

Have a safe day all, make the most of it and keep looking forward.

S x

Hi S

Onwards and forwards

Enjoy your time off with new positives and goals

Stay strong positive and safe

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi Sandra

A quick fly by to wish you well and say what a valued and respected and supportive member of this site you have become.

Keep doing what your doing.

I can't win because I can't stop.

Take care

Blondie x

Thanx Blondie, your words are really appreciated 🙂 and thank you all for staying b my side and believing in me.

Dear diary,

Well..i guess this is nearly a month since my last slip. Time just flies. I am in ok place,..i say ok cause i feel safe from destructive thoughts at the minute. I must hav had a good rest and time to think of what is the way forward. Not much has changed...still off work till next week but past few days was real busy for me..i just couldn't stop, i kept myself doing something. ..yep, proud that house is clean lol, plus coughed up wiv my sis more than before over here. Was on a go and kept braking my usual cycle. Took up running again, yes...doing more miles even if it's killing my legs lol..thinking of joining the gym again, after all it is something i like and fitness is one of the ticks in my life..

anyway, rambling i suppose. ..hope all of you are doing well, actually didn't hav time to log on here a lot recently. ..but do think of many of you time by time..esp while running. ..weird but maybe i took it on cause of my journey away from self destruction, the journey i started last year and many of you are to do with this decision and played a big part in it.

No gambling, no way in hell i am going to sell my soul to this beast.

stay safe all and thank you....

S x

Hi Sandra,

Exercise is definitely a good thing, I'm getting plenty of it at the moment, and although I'm a bit sweaty by the end, it definitely clears out some of the negativity and bad energy. Well done on avoiding those gambling thoughts, they aren't always too easy to escape, and can be really persistent especially when you have time on your hands.

Hope you enjoy this last week before you go back to work...if you get really bored my flat needs a good clean too, though I must admit its not what I'm planning for my holidays!

Stay strong,

Ryan x

Hey thank you Ryan,

Dear diary,

Well looked back on my post yesterday and had a little smile to myself. Every day is so different. Today just feel a bit gloomy and on a verrryyyyy sloowwwww go lol lol. Don't feel like doing a lot and guess what....urges urges urges...oh well, i suppose i am committed to something in this world and yes..that's right, it is my recovery . It's been long journey with few slips and trips, but as everything in life we are standing back up no matter how painfully we being injured. Life....blah blah lol, not going to ramble about it.

On a good note, starting to sort my car out. Kid you not i was driving like shining xmas tree at one point with all the warning lights flashing in my face lol..i guess it's alright if ur on M6 😛 lol.....god this is never dying joke :-), thanx Rach.

Got a little kitten in a house and even if I'm not too big fan of the cats she is one lovely fluff ball for sure.

Havin some thinking time today. Reflecting on holiday and all the rest. Dad has some health problems and will require few operations to sort them out. He is one stubborn man and i think he will need to be restrained and taken to the hospital. Always leaves himself the last...so reminds me myself. I try to tell him that he is not made of steel and at the age of 64 he is not as healthy as before. I told him to put himself first, the time has come and he needs to start looking after himself. I hope my nagging helped him to understand that we need him here, we need him to live a life with minimum pain. He suffers but goes on and on and on...never stops and gives it all to others but not seeing himself as in the need of help...

Anyway, i seem to go on today lol. Spend good two hours reading one of urs posts. Yep, randomly chosen Blondies diary and o*g what a fantastic person!! Such a inspiration and kindhearted lady. Really proud of you girl and wishing you so much more happiness coming into your life 🙂

Well i guess my waffling coming to a close lol. Little Pheebs nicely settled on my legs and it is so true that they send some calming vibes to a human..lol..yep, maybe a little nap would b a good call since i am a bit so so today.

Hope u all are staying safe and making every hour, every minute of your lives worth it. Time is so precious, make the most of it :-))) life is too short for regrets, let's keep making it peaceful, happy and calm place to be.

Take care all, stay safe

S x

Dear diary,

Well, not sure where to start. Am in a quite strong grip of the urges at the minute. Very strange. ..it's like everything is fine in my world recently, had a good day yesterday meeting my friend, am still on holiday, dad promised me again to go to the doctors, money in a account to sort my car out plus pay the bills, food in the fridge, lovely memories from holiday....so what is wrong?? Why i feel like self destruction button is at the reach of the hand? Why i want to self inflict pain?...

...it's alright for me to think..aww well, just 20 quid on my fav game (how childish. ..wanting a bloody game of the cartoons)...i know deep down that even if i spend 20 quid and stop (very unlikely) all the S***e gonna hit the roof again. My mind is quite fragile lol and since the last stint i learned that i don't need a lot to start walking on a thin line. I want to laugh and cry..really don't know what to do..

...i had a dream about gambling last night. Freaky or what? I had one spin and won and actually walked away. It was so real and i even remember the feeling...not happy or so...it was like guilt for letting myself down. I contacted one of you in a dream and start making all the excuses in this world that it was just for a fun...only one spin as i hav intended. God, i can imagine u reading now and shaking ur heads lol..not even sure why I'm putting this down cause it is not riding the storm...it is here, very present and surely ready to kick start the cycle again...b*****ks.

Talking about cycles, well hey ho it is a month since my last slip. Once again i can go a month and then boom out of nowhere it hits me. Or is it in my head?. Maybe this would b a good start to break this cycle and not repeat my mistakes..maybe.

Not even sure why i logged on, i suppose i best get off.

..hell do i really want to do this to myself again??? Cmon sandra, think twice for ur own sake...

Hi Sis,

I could have written that post myself. We do the same thing. We manage to stay away for awhile and then start getting itchy. The one thing that we have learned that we know with 100% certainty and that is: Once we start we don't want to stop and will go to any lengths to prolong the stint. We lie to ourselves and cheat ourselves out of money that we set aside for other things that we need, want, or deserve. The games are not set up or intended to let us get back what we put in. The opposite is true. The object is to keep us wanting more and more. It's total bu l l s * i t. We all know it.... I understand the urge, the itch and how powerful it can be. I'm around today. You and I don't need this s * i t... Stay strong soldier. ((((((S)))))) -joanxxxx

Hi S

Scratch that itch right down to the bone and say NO

Make that choice Sandra cos you know gambling will undo the last month of not just gambling but your sanity and peace of mind after visiting family

Sending very positive thoughts

Abstain and maintain it's the only way

Stay strong and keep moving forwards to a healthy and happier life

Stay safe

Suzanne xx

Hey Sandra,

Perhaps you are attached to the pattern of chaos? Sounds mad I know, but I certainly have been. It feels weird and wrong somehow for everything to be going well. It's unfamiliar, if what we are used to is chaos. So we re-create that chaos to soothe ourselves (even though it brings new problems) by gambling.

Sometimes we have been so consumed and distracted by thoughts of "I have to stay strong" and concentrating on just hanging in there, that when the dust settles, and all is calm - we freak out. Could this be happening for you?

Its like we forget everything about ourselves. What do I think? What do I like? What shall I do instead of gambling? Great idea on the exercise front - will really help with your mindset keeping it positive, getting those endorphins going, and is a good way to get a sense of achievement. Setting goals as our fitness improves. That's a natural buzz that won't have you on your knees!

Take care and ride it out mate - you can do it!

f x

Hey all and thank you for the kind words xxx

Freda, you are so right. I never had such a long time off work and routine just changed completely. Plenty of sleep and rest really changed my world...well, back to work tomorrow so this feeling must b a bit short lived lol..anyway, i suppose i had too good time which I'm not used to.

Yesterday was one of the tough ones to navigate through. Strong urges didn't leave me alone till late evening. I just got P***ed off with myself for feeling so weak..but i did navigate through the day...with help from friend and sis post and Suzanne's positivity. Thank you all..i had a read round the forum and strengthen my belief in changes for the better.

Today is another day. Been busy...body aching lol..yep yep lovely gardening to blame for it but it kept me out of trouble 🙂

What can i say....happy days for sure

Take care all and keep up good work.

Anything is possible

S x

Hi Sandra,

Don't worry about feeling weak or vulnerable, that is what a gambling addiction does to you, but you still managed to beat it off and turn it into another win over gambling. The urges are just a part of what we have to fight, I know you're strong enough not to give in to those thoughts.

Glad your holiday was restful and relaxing (for the most part), sorry you have to go back. I know I'm looking forward to my holiday, but I'm already putting the steps in place so that I stay busy, as my annual September holiday has been where I have fallen off the no gambling wagon at least twice. Well done on getting through those holidays without letting temptation win.

Hope your kitten and the gardening keeps you busy!

Ryan

Hey Ryan, thanx for coming by 🙂

Dear diary,

Well..i knew i will b back in pi**ed off mindset soon lol. Bk to work for 2 days and yep tiredness is here, stress levels rocket high and just...well..

No gambling since last blip and as much as i would like to say i hav no problem wiv urges i can't. Dreamed of the bas*ard couple of times and just recently didn't simply cause i hardly slept lol. Maybe good thing not to hav time to drift off to the dream land lol..

Thought about this site and my progress in my recovery and in myself. Can't say I'm stuck in rut cause i do not gamble daily anymore, i hav got rid of few past demons and ticking along with my life. Not having too much fun wiv the last one but hey ho, as they say..nothing changes if nothing changes.

Progress not perfection and all i can do is stay safe just for today.

Not too upbeat and sorry if post came across negative. ...but i do need to write sometimes and these pages has been my escape route for over a year....and i guess more years to come.

thanx for reading

Take care all

S x