Going to keep this thread now!

Well, just checking in, as it was suggested by a counsellor that I do this daily. This way I can look back and learn to look for patterns, signs and so forth.

No valium again yesterday, and no panic attacks. My highest level of anxiety at any point yesterday was much lower than the previous day. Still feeling a bit vulnerable, and more emotional than usual, but very encouraged by the improvement in my wellbeing over a short few days.

Off to jump in the shower then head out for my aromatherapy back massage - much better than gambling!

Hi there Freda...

Glad to see you still write all your thoughts and feelings down on here ..it really helps people like me to also understand those patterns you talk about and that it also applies to me even though I don't gamble..

I say "don''t gamble" but I actually do..probably more so with my health and heart.

Your descriptions of things are spot on and I totally get where you are coming from and also all the work you put into following steps to manage panic and anxiety..its brilliant.

My tablets used to be diezapam and beta blockers mainly and I definately felt real achievement weaning off them and getting stronger and more in control..My night terrors went too.

Its like you say...if your leg was hanging off or something people could "see" your pain but when its anxiety its not seen as the same as sometimes we can be fine and the next on our knees.

Your doing amazing and are one amazing lady Freda with great courage to get up and meet the day head on.

Something that always stuck with me is the saying that "Courage is not the absence of fear...it is doing something despite feeling great fear"

Take care...Rachel and Dotty xxxx (((((((((f)))))))))).

Hi My lovely

Just popping by to make sure your ok,it looks like those anxiety levels are starting to come down abit which is great.

Sending Tea,chocolate and fluffy blankets for a relaxing long weekend.

Stay Strong

E xx

Aw thank you girls : )

I had a really good day yesterday, and walked through the city centre, got my massage which was amazing, called into a couple of shops, anxiety really low. Hung out at my support centre - it is really cool, just like sitting in a mates house chewing the cud with people. Not at all like a "day centre" where you feel you go if you are "not normal".

Did housework for over 3 hours, and felt really good - although I think I over did it a little bit. But the feeling of getting back on top of things was good.

No need for Valium (diazepam) again. Had a Guiness but fell asleep before I finished it.

Had a really good conversation with someone about people. It is true that if you have had a breakdown or similar, you can choose either but never both of these: get better and stay better, or please everyone. It really is that simple.

Hi Freda

Overdoing the housework is not such a bad thing. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Do not judge yourself just live with yourself. We all overdo things and maybe next time take it a little easier. Glad you found some solace in the support centre. Everyone would benefit from hanging out with like minded people to chew the cud. Hope you have a good weekend and take care.

PS I'll pop some ironing round if you're not fed up with housework! lol

Hiya Luvvy,

Glad to see things are on the up for you. Thinking about you.

Love Del xo

Getting better and staying better--I like the sound of that Freda as trying to please all the people will always end in failure. I know when I used to be a football referee, even when I felt like I had a great game and made all the right decisions, this meant that at any given time I pleased only 50% of the people involved as the other 50% did not like the right decision as it went against them!!

Although my breakdown was about 14 years ago I still feel as if I am getting better and staying better and that is the way I hope things stay--as for pleasing all the people-well as long as I do not upset everybody at least some of them will be pleased and that will have to be good enough for them because it sure is good enough for me.

All the best

Stumper xx

Glad to hear that you had a really good day yesterday. As long as we make the right choice and not gamble, there will be plenty more of those good days ahead!

NT

Another day, done and dusted with some anxiety, but dealt with and managed.

Had a constructive day, where I caught up with a friend who is good for me. Who actually helps! She agrees that my 'best friend' is not good company for me at the moment, and sitting by and watching her self destruct will make me worse. She said she understands what I mean, about staying loyal to friends during hard times, but that I have stayed loyal for several years now by the sounds of it and this friend is showing no sign of changing her ways. It was good to talk. Particularly to someone who has her problems as we all do, but manages her life and takes responsibility for herself. Who doesn't live her life like flipping Kerry Katona or something, then go 'poor me, my life has been a car crash'. (to be fair to Ms. Katona, although I don't follow her exploits avidly, she does seem to be sorting herself out, finally)

I can't wait to get started with this counselling! what I have badly needed for a long time now, is an outlet. Somewhere I can go, pour it all out, and not have to worry about returning the favour.

I am making big changes, and although I feel like poo at the moment, these changes are good ones which will help me get back on my feet.

Today 44 weeks ago, I had my last bet. We can do this guys and gals!

hi freda,

i just read your last post. saw that you are 44 weeks bet free.i m ...4 weeks bet free...:)

i ll read your diary slowly but i would like to ask you, how was that journey till now?early days were tough?because i m on early days and still feel sick i m wondering, will i start feeling better?since christmas i ve lost 7000 euros and still cant accept how i did it to myself?why am i so destructive?ok i know i m compulsive gambler and i know it is an illness.i think that i have to accept i m sick.

your opinion?

take care

mike

hi freda,

first of all thanks for your wondeful post!

i m at the process of accepting my losses....to be honest i havent realised how much money i ve spent on gambling the last years...maybe 20 thousand or 30 thousand euros...but you know what?its doesnt make any big diference if it was 20k or 30k.what is important rite now is to accept it.period.

as long as i accept it i can then make my recovery easier.

am i honest to others about gambling?well what GA meeting pushed me to do is to speak to my parents.not for bailing my out but to help me emotionally.and to hand over my wages.which i did but only to my mother.she doesnt want to inform my father at the moment cause she is afraid about his health.well at least she knows the true.i was honest with friends also and ex girlfriend.

last but not least barriers: money now in mum's pocket.no money no gamble.self exclusion from 2 large casinos near athens.the bad news is that there are some illegal casinos in the city where there is no self exclusion there...that is dangerous...

there i lost thousands of money at my last relapse...

tmrw i 30 days without a bet, one month, i want to celebrate but i cant...i still feel miserable for what i have done..i m at the process of accepting it...it will take some time but i think i ll handle it...

i too believe that we cg are never cured and we will always stay alert...a tiny bet is just one step further...

take care freda and thanks again

mike

hi freda,

first of all thanks for your wondeful post!

i m at the process of accepting my losses....to be honest i havent realised how much money i ve spent on gambling the last years...maybe 20 thousand or 30 thousand euros...but you know what?its doesnt make any big diference if it was 20k or 30k.what is important rite now is to accept it.period.

as long as i accept it i can then make my recovery easier.

am i honest to others about gambling?well what GA meeting pushed me to do is to speak to my parents.not for bailing my out but to help me emotionally.and to hand over my wages.which i did but only to my mother.she doesnt want to inform my father at the moment cause she is afraid about his health.well at least she knows the true.i was honest with friends also and ex girlfriend.

last but not least barriers: money now in mum's pocket.no money no gamble.self exclusion from 2 large casinos near athens.the bad news is that there are some illegal casinos in the city where there is no self exclusion there...that is dangerous...

there i lost thousands of money at my last relapse...

tmrw i 30 days without a bet, one month, i want to celebrate but i cant...i still feel miserable for what i have done..i m at the process of accepting it...it will take some time but i think i ll handle it...

i too believe that we cg are never cured and we will always stay alert...a tiny bet is just one step further...

take care freda and thanks again

mike

Hi Freda.. glad to hear that your feeling better and looking after your health and well being. Looks to me like its the pressure of work that sends you into a tail spin sometimes. As you know I am a complete stress head when it comes to work. I guess in time we will both benefit from finding work that is more suited to our skills and personalities.

Ive just read about your 3 hours of cleaning. Am gonna go do some I think... good therapy. I don't like living in a flat thats unkempt but i so often do. My flat reflects the state of my mind which is a mess at the moment.. ie both flat and mind. Time to get back on a level.

Well done on staying off the gambling for all this time. I did read your thoughts on the ticket bought for someone else. Technically you didn't gamble if you didn't scratch... but its not something you'd want to do again. Its things like that that have triggered my gambling impulses in years gone past.

Take care amd thanks for your wisdom as always.. S.A 🙂

Hi Freda,

First of all congratulations on flying past 44 weeks, next month you will be able to celebrate a whole year without gambling! Although we shouldn't continously look back, that is a massive achievement, you should be proud of yourself.

It seems like you are having a tough time recently but what is most important is that you are taking steps to help yourself. You are not hiding away, not giving in, not accepting pain and anxiety as normality. Having read your diary and your advice to others you are probably stronger than you think.

I just wish i could say that the road ahead will be easy and plain sailing but I can't, I think we all know that as gamblers. But what is certain is that every time you post, every situation without stress, all the support you clearly get at home and professionally, every minute not spent worrying, they all contribute to the good times ahead.

Stay safe and strong, there are many high fives to come .

Paulds

Thank you guys 🙂

Well, occupational health went really well! The doctor knew what he was doing, did not at any point tell me to stop being silly, and generally had a fair and caring attitude toward me. What a relief!

So, I am taking another month off work - doctors orders! Feeling really positive about that. I will only get half pay, but that is fine to be honest. I can just be careful. R is the breadwinner at the minute anyway. We have been overpaying on the mortgage every month, and all bills paid.

This is the space I need to get back on top of everything.

SA - regarding what you say about work.... I only find work a problem, when my anxiety and/or depression is poorly. Thankfully, now I am away from that awful woman there is nothing that really stresses me about my job. This stress and anxiety is from being overwhelmed by the events of the past year. I like to use the bucket analogy. If your bucket is overflowing, you are starting to break down. My bucket was being filled up, faster than it could drain away. I had a tiny hole in the bottom, the size of a pin head. That represents time. It takes time to drain away the effects of stressful events, but eventually you get an empty bucket again. However, as my bucket was slowly draining away, I was getting someone topping it up regularly with a big jug!

I need to stop rambling on about buckets....