Going to keep this thread now!

Hi freda...just popping in to see if it went ok today ...thinking of you xxx

Rach and Doo xxxx

Thanks for the lovely messages, I am feeling like cack at the minute so haven't been reading or posting.

Well the meeting went well kind of! I was really nervous about it, and scared that I would get the stern approach. See this makes me angry, when people imply that it is your "fault" because they would never do that with say, cancer. I do think there is still a bit of a bias in peoples attitudes, that you could have prevented yourself from getting anxious or depressed.

Anyway, because I got quite worked up while I was waiting to go in, I was in tears by the time I got called. My manager later told me, that she had just told the hr lady how lovely and bubbly I was, so that is probably why she looked so bemused that I was in tears before I even sat down!

They talked about how my absence level was very high, and without very long in between them, and that it was of concern to them. But do you know, after the department store trying to fire me on the spot with no warning, I was scared and unsure how to take it. Because really, that can either be them saying "this is just not good enough" or just "we are worried about you, are you ok?" I was just really upset and babbling about how I couldn't help it and was trying my best, and how I had improved but it was taking time.

They referred me to the counsellor at occupational health, saying I seemed very distressed. When I got home, I was just inconsolable worrying that I might lose my job, and how I had been too upset to ask what my rights were considering I did not have a permanent contract. I hadn't even asked what would happen if I had more time off sick. I got myself into a right state, and couldn't go back to work to finish my day and rang my manager sobbing about how scared I was, that I was going to lose my job if I was off sick any more, and that it was too much pressure.

Bless her, she was lovely and said that they were treating me no differently to a permanent staff member, and promised I would not lose my job because of my illness. They can't guarantee I won't lose my job because of the council cuts, but that doesn't bother me, because everyone is in that boat and has been for some time now.

Anyway, the upshot of it is, I am back on the sick. I got so worked up and distressed yesterday that I am still in tears all the time. I am at least taking the rest of the week off. Funnily enough, if it had been made clear right from the start that I wasn't in trouble, and this wasn't going to affect me keeping my job I probably would be fine and at work today. However, I did over react and panic because I feel that people with anxiety and depression are being backed into a corner. I am not entitled to the dole if I lose my job, because I have a gap in my NI contributions, but I haven't been able to make any because I am not well enough to work many hours. So presumably, if I were to lose my job I would be expected to live on thin air! and that, make no mistake, is very frightening if you have anxiety.

Anyway, rant over. f**k it all. I will put my mental health first, even if it means having to live on beans on toast at some point.

Hi Freda

Sorry to hear of your distress. As you rightly say, you come first in all of this. Contact CAB and see where you stand in regards of benefits as they surely can't expect you to live on nothing. Not sure if you've been for counselling through RCA or Gamcare, it does work. Above all keep doing the right things in life and the right things will slowly but surely happen. You are making big strides forward and this is a testament to your resolve. As I always say easy does it! I know this doesn't make everything right but things do take time. Take care!

Hi Smiler,

thanks mate. most benefits are means tested now, and if your other half earns full time minimum wage you are both supposed to be able to live on that......hmmm.

I wouldn't care, we have been very responsible and have only bought a cheap place for a very low mortgage, the same as we were paying in rent. We won't go hungry if it comes to it, but things will be very very stressy and hard. Is just last thing I need.

Hiya Freda,

I've been thinking about you too. Hugs. I can feel how things are for you right now..but please don't forget how far you have come over these past months...your doing so well, if it were the real world I'd be round to yours sticking the kettle on!

It just seems so unfair that there doesn't seem to be the help there for you, in benefits etc when you are trying so hard to make things work... ....I say this because there are so many were I live who work the system and get everything handed to them and there's f**k all wrong with them. Grrrr.

Hard to do, but please try not to worry, we have learned to take one day at a time in our recoveries, when things get too much for me with life in general..I use the same approach and just think of the day that I'm in ...and not past it, it stops me being overwhelmed...and when I feel ready and stronger I look a wee bit forward.

Take care pet

Love Delxox

Hiya Freda....

Well if Dels sticking the kettle on...i'd be getting the choccy digestives out!...Understand here about that fear of the unknown...and if you had known the system and trusted in it then you would have not got so upset beforehand....its not right how its set up.

I once went through a grievance proceedure in work but because i didn't know the system I got my self all worked up...stormed in the office and threw my keys down and offered my (male) Boss out !! as in a fight!!...needless to say the word "hysterical" went on my file....I can laugh now but at the time it was horrific!

I also get frustrated with people who work the system as Del said and using it as a career choice!...

Is there a way you could work from home or go part time or have you looked at this already?

Just to share some history.....I'm now doing a contract 3 day week because last year I was called in to the office on low figures..got myself so stressed due to the unknown ..went in and before they said anything I put the gun to my head and said that they needed to sack me because I was burn't out and not doing my job properly...

I had no plan B at the time but by that point I just would have paid a million quid to just sleep.

As it turned out they asked me what i wanted and now I do a 3 day week on a self employed basis and looking to do a dog walking round for extra two days as my "spends".

If it were in blue sky thinking ...I would ask you to do a doggy daycare with me and us work from home.....

I know that awful gut churning feeling hun..and have myself cried and burst into tears in work many times ....Your a good soul...don't forget that..and your not on your own ...

Love and Bear Hugs Rach and Doo xxx

Hi Freda,

Thank u 4 ur support on my diary 🙂

I am sorry 2 read that things have been stressful 4 u lately. U r rite u r the most important thing, u have to look after urself. I hope you feel better soon, take care Freda and stay strong 🙂

Hey lovely lady.

If Del is doing the tea and Rachel the choccy biccies i will bring the warm fluffy blanket to wrap you up in.

Its so easy to work yourself up if you dont know what its about and maybe they should have thought about this before as they know you suffer from anxiety.

Just dont forget how well your doing and keep that head held high.

Big Big hugs

Stay Strong

E xx

I am crying now - but in a good way!

I could feel the warm comfort of having people rallying round me. Thank you : )

I find it really hard to ask for help, and although my hubby is awesome he is really my only useful form of support.

I say useful because my parents try their best bless them, but they give really bad advice that makes me feel like s**t! Their heart is in the right place, and when I am not in distress, I can extract that positive element out of our exchanges and ignore the words entirely. When I am distressed, I am better off steering clear.

My "best" friend. Well....I spoke to her on the phone for about 45 minutes the other day. She talked about herself for about 42 of those. She has had a hard paper round, and I understand that being quite oblivious to others distress, and pretending everything is fine is her way of coping. Again though, not what I need. I have been out and about with her before, and explained that I was going to need to head home because I was starting to feel anxious and it has still took her a good 20 minutes to actually finish what she is doing.

I have distanced myself now, because to be honest, I used to worry myself sick about her, as she has been living a really high pressure life style for years now and she would pour her heart out to me about how much pressure she was under and she was struggling to cope. Yes, thats right, lean on someone who had had a nervous breakdown already and was still recovering. I would plead with her to stop getting deeper into debt, stop over committing herself, not to take on any more responsibilities. Explain to her, how horrific it was to have a breakdown and it took years to recover, sometimes you are never quite the same again. Then as soon as things calmed down even slightly, she would take on more stuff. Do you know what is happening to her now? She has been on the sick for the last 4 months with anxiety and depression and showing no sign of being ready to go back. In an act of self compassion, and self preservation I have decided I could not give a s**t. In the year running up to this breakdown lets total up the hours of support going either way between us. Me giving to her - around 30 ( good for me for distancing myself that much already ) Her giving to me - around 3. Something wrong with that picture.

She has simply not been there for me for years now, when I needed her the most. There is no doubt in my mind that had she been putting on the kettle, bringing the biccies and having that blanket to hand, instead of ranting her tales of woe and taking absolutely no notice whatsoever of my advice, on pretty much my expert subject, I would have been much better than I am now.

So she is on her own now. I am not angry with her. Well alright, maybe a bit, but not in a hostile "you are a bad person" type of way. Just frustrated that she was too wrapped up in her own carp to do her job. We don't need to fall out, but I see very little of her now, and I just don't listen anymore when she is talking.

It has pretty much all been self inflicted with her, whereas I have been doing everything possible to help myself. No wonder I have struggled to get better with no one there for me but my hubby.

The reason I clung on for so long? Because I had been really poorly for years, and she was the only close friend I had left. I hadn't been well enough to get out and about and meet other people.

I am having a right old therapy session here!

Anyway, even though things are rubbish right now, I am really positive about the future. Sometimes when you are re ordering things, and getting rid of stuff that has been dragging you down, it gets worse for a little while. Like ripping off a plaster. The realisations are painful, breaking old bonds hard. Changing destructive cycles into constructive ones. Sometimes people don't like it and resist, anyone who genuinely gives a hoot about you will support this change though. The others can be allowed to just fade into the background.

I went to a support centre yesterday and had a good heart to heart with an absolute legend of a support worker. She is doing a Masters degree in counselling, and is s**t hot at what she does. I can see her winning an MBE some day, seriously talented lady and socialist to the core.

Anyway, that is me! getting there, and unlike yesterday and the day before, not feeling guilt about it.

When you realise how much something or someone has been dragging you down, and you do something about it - you begin to realise just what you can achieve without carrying that burden any more. It is exciting!

Ps couple of milestones to mention - 43 weeks clean, and 2 years married yesterday : )

Hi Freda, I hope u r ok.

Someone told me a while ago when u really need ur friends when things get tough u realise which ones r true and I guess I am beginning to learn that and it is a painful lesson. But u r right u have to think of urself now. I think u r doing gr8.

Well done on the 43 wks, u r a real inspiration even when things get tough, u do not give up:)

Also congratulations on the 2 yrs of marriage 🙂

Take care Freda and stay strong xx

Hiya Stranger,

Well it's me who's been the stranger Freda and not posted on here for ages when I really should have done. Glad to see you've been fighting the gambling demons a whole lot better than I have of late but sorry to read you've been having such a tough time of it recently. Will keep it brief and wish you a belated Happy Birthday and not bore you with my misdemeanors and wish you all the very best - you deserve it for all the support you've given everyone over these past few years.

Kay x

Thanks Char and Kay - good to hear from you!

Well I had a bad day yesterday anxiety wise. I got a call from occupational health, saying I had been referred to see their doctor, and they had a cancellation that day if I was interested? I said yes, no problem because in that moment I felt fine about it. However within 10 minutes of hanging up, I was shaking and feeling panicky. THIS PART IS EXCITING!!!! in the past, I would have forced myself into the ordeal of going even if it caused a severe panic attack BUT this time, I thought to myself "I am in no fit state to go today, and that is ok. I am not doing anything wrong" and I rang back, and explained that on reflection, I was not feeling up to it and could I reschedule? it was not a problem.

I had a panic attack anyway like, lol, but can you imagine my anxiety levels if I had expected myself to actually go?

The most positive part of that experience? breaking old destructive habits. It is not healthy to put yourself in distress just to co operate with someone else, but I used to, because that is how low my self worth was.

I am taking some time off work, I am not sure how long, but more than a week. I have been worried recently that taking too much time off work may cause me to lose my job, and me and hubby were talking just this morning about how ridiculous it is. If I had a broken leg, everyone involved would immediately accept that there was no possibility I could go to work until the cast is off, because I need to be able bodied in my job - it should be literally no different whatsoever with anxiety. I guess like with racism, sexism and all the ism's it will take a while before we all think the way we should.

You are doing the right things here Freda and looking after number 1. Things will fall into place as you go along. Bekind to yourself and dump anything in your ruck sack that doesn't belong to you. Take care

Hi Freda, thank u sooooo much 4 ur kind words and support on my diary, it means a lot 2 me 🙂

Well done 4 putting urself 1st, u should be really proud of urself.

Stay strong Freda, u r an inspiration and u give me hope 🙂 xx

Thank you Smiler and Charlotte : )

Well, no valium yesterday, or full blown panic attacks. I don't ask for much do I?

I know that I am not doing anything wrong, and its not my "fault" I have had to go on the sick, but because I am quite low I am finding I need a bit of reassurance.

I am not able to do much getting out and about at the moment, because of my anxiety levels, so I am having a massage again tomorrow. I find it massively beneficial. £20 on a non essential thing may seem extravagant, then I instantly remind myself that so is £40 in a fruit machine, which is what tends to happen if I am NOT kind to myself.