Going to keep this thread now!

Oh thank you for all the replies, they help enormously they really do 🙂

I know I have done the right thing distancing myself, because on a purely self preserving level, it would knock me for six being around if my fears are confirmed.

I found a way to understand myself, that makes me feels a lot better. She could understand when I put it this way. You had a difficult childhood, and I wonder how you would cope, if you saw me making the same mistakes with my kids. Could you be around me? that is when the penny dropped.

Everyone has a raw nerve that they can't have regularly pushed. She pushes mine at a time when it is not only raw, but seeping with pus.

It was interesting that when I thought about whether I would find it just as hard if she was morbidly obese, or an 80 a day smoker, I found that I probably wouldn't. It would still upset me a bit, but wouldn't make my insides sore everytime I saw her.

Feel much better that my instincts are right, but I just couldn't get my head around them in a way where I understood that I wasn't weird or being selfish. I am getting much better at noticing when I am in a situation that makes my insides hurt - it is OK to step out of it!

I think the reason I would try and stick around and cope, is because I thought you have to find a way to overcome these things. Running away from problems just makes them worse. This may be true of someone when life is generally going ok, who isn't emotionally unwell. When you have anxiety and depression, which is pretty poorly at the time - you have to run away actually. Then you can go back when you are better. If you don't run away in those circumstances - you won't get yourself back to a point where you can deal with them. You will just deteriorate.

Still feeling a bit fragile and tearful, but I don't mind if it has in order to make progress. I have learned a valuable lesson, that is ok to do what I need to do to stay well, and I should not question myself even if I don't understand it. Even if other people get angry and reject me - I should remember to check my motivation. Did I want to help, and care about the person? Yes. Have I found that for some reason, even in spite of this, I can't cope with it? Yes. Did I mean the person any harm? No. There you go. End of.

I know where this fear of walking away when I can't cope comes from. My Mother. She has always lashed out and told me I was selfish and not being a good daughter, when I have failed to keep her happy. Even when it is making me ill. After I got back from hospital after my first ever panic attack, she read my letter from the hospital that was intended for my GP. The doctor had asked me about my relationships, and was there anyone who I was not getting along with, and I answered honestly, that I was not getting on with my mother. She read that in the letter, it hurt her feelings, so she lashed out. While I was still crying and shaking, curled up on the sofa - she walked in, threw the letter at me and said "well thanks very much!". Then stormed off. That is the support I get from my mother. No wonder I am messed up. I think it would help when she does these things, if she was able to come back when she has calmed down, and say "I am sorry, that was not fair. I was upset, but you haven't done anything wrong".

Sounds like you experience the total opposite to me at times Freda--when faced with confrontation on anything we only have 2 basic responses ie to fight or flee.

My choice is almost always to flee as arguments really make me feel as though I will throw up and effect me for quite some time. In fact I had an experience of this only yesteday at cricket. I am even considering stopping playing because of it although most people would just laugh it off. Some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves I am afraid. I have been feeling down because of this since last night and feel shattered today because I worked all night last night and have to do so again tonight.

I suppose those of us who care about others sometimes cannot accept that they chose to not care so much about themselves--at the end of the day that is their choice which we just have to accept and respect. The weird thing is although we care passionately about others this can be detrimental to ourselves at times. Ah well I suppose this is just another aspect of life's rich tapestry.

Onwards and upwards for us both Freda--try to keep smiling.

All the best

Stumper x

Hi Freda,

Just wanted to say I hope u r ok, u r a very kind person 🙂

U r doing gr8, u should be soooo proud of urself!

Even when u r going thru some tough times, u still resist gambling. U r inspirational Freda 🙂

Stay strong and keep going!

Hiya Freda...

Just to say that I've been reading your diary and it is obvious to us all that your are a very kind person with very good motivations and intentions...that shines through loud and clear....

This friend of yours doesnt probably realise what a good friend she has in you as sometimes people cant see whats right before their eyes...as a lot have already said you need to detach from this person with love as you have done and still be her friend and care but focus on keeping the stability that you have worked so hard for...

I have usually been the person who says things often not realising that I've trodden on a minefield as i am often quite romantic in the way i look at life...thinking if we are pals we all speak the same language.

Like you i have also had friends over the years that have misunderstood my intentions as I have come dangerously close and sometimes right on target to pricking whatever defence bubble they have around themselves...usually by just being me...

Your right on self esteem too as whatever a person has as there main source of esteem will feel hurt and rebuffed if questioned.I think like you I get mine from being helpful and kind which is why i cant bear being misunderstood or my motives questioned.

For some the big taboos for discussson can be less the perceived negative addictions and more the socially acceptable ones.

Have trodden on many a minefield questioning pals on workaholism and excerciseaholism!!...realised the hard way these were main sources of esteem for some.

That question we often ask ourselves "Is it me"...the one on my headstone...in a way it is...but not in the way we think.

Like you I am a very open person who wears my heart on my sleeve and in my mind and certain others sometimes I think im weak because i cant keep it all in.

Am by no stretch perfect as my backlash side is testament to....but those qualities make you a real and a good person...we just have to be able to protect ourselves and learn boundaries.....as Smiler says with the rucksack...sort out whats their stuff pull it out of our rucksack so it doesnt weigh us down further ...

What I have learned over the years Freda is that I can be a threat to people by just simply being me as I have those qualities..and they are the qualities of a real person..we are not machines...just have to learn to be more selfish in a good healthy way so I don't get as involved and hurt.

Your friend may have some little glimmers but maybe not ready to give up her control mechanisms ....trust the seeds have been planted though.

Keep on being you freda..as far as im concerned it would be an honour to be your friend.

On feelings....this too shall pass and always you bounce back from adversity...(another quality that often P****s people off I find ) lol

ps...In my humble opinion...people don't have breakdowns...they have breakthroughs...im glad I had mine and have been redirected onto the right path...anyone living in this society who doesn't have some sort of breakthrough I have real concerns about also ..thats what I find alien...if we are on the wrong road it will happen in that persons own time.

Hugs

Rachel and Dotty...xxx

whoops..just seen length of this post...sorreee xxx

thanks stumper, charlotte, and dotters!

I don't know if I have written a bit unclearly about the heart-to-heart with said friend, but there was no argument. She didn't understand where I was coming from, but knew I was just concerned and scared for her. She took it all well, and it was in my own head that I was worried I had done the wrong thing.

I feel generally ok about it now. I am loving that I have a well developed intuition to read people and their vibes. It will keep me safe, from inadvertently inviting drama into my life when making new friends. I never jump into friendship with anyone, until I get a feel for what they are all about. I don't want to hang out with victims, manipulators, or just people with unhealthy coping mechanisms. I am one of the latter, but am changing those unhealthy coping mechanisms and don't want to get bogged down with other people's carp in the future. It is just the existing relationships that are difficult to manage, once you realise that someone in your life is dragging you down.

Anyway. Tough day today... Meeting to discuss the occupational health doctors report to my manager. It went fine actually, but was anxiety provoking. They commented that I seem to be taking the medical advice I am given, using support mechanisms and generally doing my best to get well. They are happy with that, and commented that I seem much improved in just a few weeks. I took some valium because I felt panicky as soon as I woke up, but that was the only difficult thing I have to deal with this week, so now feel more relaxed and able to just rest and recover.

Tomorrow will mark 36 weeks since my last bet of any kind. Urges are very easy to deal with at this stage, as there is no way I am letting anything stop me from celebrating my first full year.

I have observed other people sometimes having problems just after this milestone. Possibly because they have been so focused on getting to the 1 year, they never thought about beyond that. I will be on my guard.

......think this flues making me delirious...lol.....so long as your ok hun thats all that matters...

Off to drink some more orane juice...

hugs and love

Rach and Dotty xx

Hi f,

Glad all is well at work.

I seem to be a good judge of people,not usually wrong about them,unless its a man seem to have got that wrong alot lol.

Keep marching on hun.

Stay Strong

E xx

Thanks Ezza!

Had a really good day yesterday. Had my first counselling session through occ health and was really good. It was nice to see her reactions to my answers, as she seemed encouraged by what I was saying. I felt like she thought I was doing the right things, and obviously, a psychotherapists opinion is one I value and trust as they are professionals at managing emotion at the end of the day.

Went into town which was really busy, to do a bit shopping and found it really easy. Went for a bit of social time at my support place, and then went for a cheeky half and some tea at wetherspoons with hubby.

The anxiety is still there, and will come and go, but I feel everything is in place now for me to get better. Work are happy that I need a few more weeks off sick, and FINALLY getting to see my GP tomorrow after almost 7 weeks!!!

Enjoyed the sunshine yesterday. Painted my toes and put a skirt on even though my legs were like bottles of milk!!!! was nice to feel feminine : )

Still mainly sticking to posting on my own thread at the moment, as want a break from supporting others, even though it is usually a pleasure : )

HIya f..

Great news for tomorrow...hope the sun keeps shining and those legs go strawberry milkshake...mine just

burnt as fell asleep...lol

Will keep reading your progress hun

Rachel and Dotty xx

Hi Freda... glad you had a good day yesterday and thanks for passing through my dairy. Weather is brill isn't it. If it keeps up we will all be toasty brown before you can say.. er.. something lol.. Onwards.. S.A 🙂

Couple of good days again. Have had some fluctuations in my mood - but mild ones.

Gambling is a million miles from my mind 🙂 So much so, that I almost forget there was ever a problem. In town yesterday thinking "haven't a clue what to get Dad for fathers day, sees a newsagent and thinks "shall I just get him a few lines on the lottery" then remembers Im best not doing stuff like that. I just totally forget sometimes!

The sunshine is lush - can't believe I have another 3 weeks off work! happy days : ))

Glad to read that things seem good at the moment. Surely your thought process about the lottery tickets for your dad are normal and as non addictive people would think. I know if I was in a gambling episode I would think about buying a lottery ticket but with one small difference--I would only be thinking of buying one for myself!!

I think that this only highlights that things are on the up for you and long may they remain that way.

Have a lovely weekend--with the weather being nice I am sure a couple of 'cheeky' half's of beer will not hurt either.

All the best

Stumper x

Have been having a good few days. Tomorrow will be 47 weeks since my last gamble on anything.

I wrote 36 weeks last week...don't know why, head must have been muddled.

I am fine in general, but would like a mini rant. Why do people ignore your comments/texts/messages??!! it drives me mad!

Someone certainly wanted to be my friend the other day, when he was asking me to do him a favour. When I write to him on facebook about it, he ignores me. Now he probably just hasn't had time, or hasn't been on there lately, I hear you thinking. Nope. He has been responding to other messages and just ignores mine! why would you do that? unless you are just being nice to get someone to do a favour for you? last one I am doing for him, that's for sure.

People just seem to be increasingly pig ignorant these days, and it boils my P**s!

Once bitten twice shy Freda...

Sadly some folk are basically users....don't give it anymore thought and pop him in potential delete pile.

Rachel xxx

Totally dotters,

It is just exhausting sometimes, wading through all the tw*ts to find a good egg, lol.

Onward!