Going to keep this thread now!

Hey Lovely lady,

Sorry your not feeling good atm but youve been through a stressful time lately and its not really surprising.

Time for your wonderful hubby to look after you hun although im sure he is :0)

Hot water bottles, fluffy dressing gown,chocolate and tea served up with a big dollop of hugs and friendship((((((((())))))))

Stay Strong

L xx

Thanks Char, Dotty, SA and Libbers,

I am on the mend a bit now. Went for Reiki this afternoon, and it was just awesome. Depression has lifted a lot over past couple of days, hoping I can do my normal stuff next week and function more in general.

hey f

shame we dont live closer as i could get you some major disscount on complementary therepies...

glad you enjoyed your reiki hun...its great isnt it?...take care and dont go missing too long..am off to read my posts now and reply...weve a lot to learn from those bhuddists for sure xx

R and d xxx

thanks Rach

Happy to say the depression has lifted pretty much. Still left with a lot of self doubt, and can't quite put it to bed.

I am not as insecure as I used to be - far from it. But, you never really know if people are being sincere, and this is where my problem stems from. Growing up with a passive aggressive mother, you get used to having to read between the lines. It made me think that people often don't mean what they say. Yes, people will say nice things to you and say they like you....but people are rarely honest if they don't like you. Usually they will still claim they do! So I want to move forward with relationships and friendships in a healthy way. But where does paranoia stop and reading between the lines start?

What I mean is, for example, if someone seems to want to be your friend, and says they are there for you "anytime" (which I have also said in the past, not really meaning it 100%) but it is you getting in touch with them 95% of the time.....are they just saying it? I find this true of a lot of people, that if you don't get in touch with them, you can go months without hearing from them. I don't want to be a pest to someone who is just being polite, and surely if you really like someone and want to be around them you will be in touch.

I guess that what this boils down to, is needing reassurance. Maybe making it clear when you get to know someone, that you need to know they haven't forgotten you. If they are going through a bad time, or have just been rushed off their feet, you need an occasional text maybe once every couple of months just as reassurance. Is that normal? I don't know....

Anyways, other than that, I am champion! : )

Hi freda..

Thank you for your post and yes...all is stable for me at the moment...

still on a train but having some time to digest your post and thinking about the questions you pose there.

As you know the passive aggressive thing is a biggie so we both know that one..on the other things...I guess it boils down to actions being louder than words when it comes to trusting if people mean what they say.

Sometimes empty vessels make most noise..

Some words now i think are over used so the actual meaning has gone out of them..

I have let some long standing friends go this year because i am asking for 50/50 and not getting my needs met even though i have said clearly what they are.

It has always been lopsided and when my esteem was low 90/10 was ok but now i feel i deserve more i'm altering the rules and its not going down well and i am being told my expectations are too high.!

The problem i have with the things you are talking about is that these same people in my life are selective...they can meet other people 50/50 when it suits but i feel just taken for granted and given half measurers.

All i would say is go by their actions...give to people who reciprocate to you ...no need to do a cull like me ...but maybe keep the ones who are all talk at a distance...

hugs to you xxxx

R and D xx

Hi Freda.. glad to hear that your depression is lifting. I mean it! 😉

To comment on your thoughts. I find sometimes that if i am put on the spot (in the real world that is) with a person who for example might say.. You like me don't you? or You are going to keep in touch arent you?... then i'd be a brave person to come right out and say.. No I don't like you or no i am not going to keep in touch (if thats how i felt that is).. i'd be more likely to say.. yeah yeah your cool or for sure we'll keep in touch...

So to answer your thoughts, my opinion is that people do say things that they don't really mean partly becuase of the immediacy of the moment and partly becuase they don't want to have to deal with the consequnces of the other persons reaction.

Ways to guage whether a person is being genuine or not include... how much of a delay between the question asked and the answer coming, is the person evasive and non-comittal in the reply, are they avoiding eye contact and exiting the room fast etc etc.

I was once cornered by the mother of a person with a disability asking wheter i'd accompany them on holiday. Boy o boy did i squirm and mumble cos no way was i going.. lol Happy days... S.A 🙂

P.s the ideal is always to be honest of course. personally i don't have a problem if someone says they don't like me or whatever.. cos atleast then you know where you stand.

thanks SA and Dotters,

I always notice those signs you describe SA (well I think I do!), and couldn't agree more that it is necessary to lie unconvincingly, so that people get the message gently. I would be quite uncomfortable if someone just said "I can't stand you, go away"! especially if there was anyone else there!

All I can think, is that I need to maybe find company that is a little more aware of other people and their feelings and needs. I think the current offenders do genuinely like me, but may be quite insular and self absorbed.

I am well proud of myself for kicking some serious b**t the other day!

Sometimes you do need to be very direct, especially when people are behaving very badly. I always want to stand up to manipulative behaviour and bullying, but rarely have the energy or confidence to do so. However, one such silly little girl had the misfortune of trying it on when I was feeling a bit stronger.

I was speaking about something I found funny to someone else the other day, and she decided to start pulling faces at everything I said. She was sniggering, and trying to involve another person. It was along the lines of "isn't she stupid?! what an idiot! lets laugh at her" just non-verbally. It was really obvious, as if I wasn't sure, I would have kept it buttoned.

Anyway, after she pulled another face I looked her straight in the eye and said "I think it's very rude to pull faces at what people are saying. I don't understand why you would do that." It was stressful to do, my heart was pounding, and I went really hot, but the look on her face was well worth it. She had been doing it, clearly because she thought I wouldn't stand up for myself.

Afterward, I had a quiet word with someone who was there, and asked if he had noticed what she was doing (he had left the room before I confronted her) and he said absolutely, and it is not just me, she has been doing it to a lot of people.

So good for me! Bully stood up to. Hopefully she will think twice before trying that one again.

I really resent this kind of behaviour, because it is so unneccesary, cowardly and manipulative. I was having a nice time, until she decided to be spiteful. Although I couldn't give a toss whether idiots like her like me or not, it is still very intimidating behaviour. It made me feel really uncomfortable.

I like to think though, that maybe someone else will be saved this behaviour because I questioned it and shamed her.

Hey Freda,

Good for you...you didnt go crazy but had a quiet word...stopped her in her tracks I should say...and i know that fear ..it makes me feel like all the energy is being drained from me if i confront in the moment when im scared..

You know manipulation is my pet peev particularly when its covert and not direct...there is no need for that level of immaturity is there?...

My failing is sarcsam and revenge if i feel humiliated..not proud of that but its an honest programme....although they do say that the literal translation of sarcasm is "to rip flesh"...

I would love to be able to deal in a better way as you have just done but it will become easier with practice....

Keep inspiring Freda....

Keep posting...R and D xx

Hi Freda.

That post of yours...is it normal to want to be reasured who our real friends are????Its totally normal.I make sure these days to suround myself with people i can trust and people who make ne a better person.I really don't have time for people who think they are more than they are.If thats the case - then you ain't no friend of mine!

Keep on posting Freda...your thoughts on here mean alot to many!

Have a great weekend!

Viggo.

Hi Freda,

Thank u sooo much 4 ur post on my diary, I was really touched. Ur support means a lot 2 me 🙂

Ur last post was gr8 2 read, well done 4 standing up 2 the bully...That takes a lot of strength!

U r such a strong person Freda, a true inspiration 🙂

Have a gr8 wknd xxxxxxx

Thanks Charlotte!

Was devastated to hear the news that a dear friend of mine lost her battle with depression on Thursday. Where did I find out? Facebook.

Some people have no common sense. A great place to broadcast news of someone's death NOT.

I got a reply regarding my benefits appeal today, and I was not successful. It gets sent to an independent tribunal, and if they also say no I am f****d.

I feel like I am disappearing. Everything is falling away, one by one. My world is becoming smaller and smaller. I don't really matter.

I don't know what to think about anything anymore. The world has gone mad.

YOU MATTER to a lot of people Freda..

So sorry to hear how you found out about your friend...and how the benefits office are being really helpful!!

Keep you and yours close and sending big extra hugs today...

R and D xx

Hi freda... sorry to hear about your friend. Very sad news indeed.

I don't know what to think about anything anymore either. Though i think ive gone mad rather than the world has gone mad. All the very best... S.A

Thanks Dotters, SA,

Tbh that last post was really self-pitying....but decided to keep it there, as it was my truth last night. I no longer edit my feelings.

I have lost most of my self-confidence and it is scary.

As for me and mine....I only have my husband. That feels really scary too.

Freda...I dont think your post was self pitying...it was how you felt and you typed it out...keep it on your thread...its part of you...

When you look back at posts like that its less about what you have written sometimes and more about how much more different we can feel even 24 hours later...

Youu have had a shock Freda...your allowed to feel sad and at your wits end...I know you will get back up..thats a given!

Your not alone..

((((((f))))))

R and D xx