Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

Sorry 2 hear about ur friend, I just wanted 2 say I am thinking of u xx

I am always here if u need me 🙂

Stay strong xx

Hi Freda... I rarely edit my thoughts or feelings either. Its how i feel at that moment in time... and is just the way it is. Its like i feel relatively cheery at this moment in time despite all ive put myself through in recent days. maybe later I will feel rubbish but until i get there i will enjoy the cheery moment.

Your husband sounds like your "rock". Thats a good thing. Take care and thanks for your support as always.. S.A

Ah thanks guys : )

Yeah, he is my rock bless his heart.

More details of how the lady died have emerged, and it's desperately sad. She jumped from a bridge, into the river. I can't imagine what she must have been going through to do something like that. Suicide when it's due to depression, is so very sad - because the way you feel is not how things really are. Everything seems hopeless, like a never ending nightmare, and the person is so confused and their judgement goes. It's as if you aren't capable of really making that decision, because you are not yourself.

Of course suicide is always sad, I have just read back what I said, but with acute depression it's like you are on a bad trip, just not able to realise that your depression is creating an alternate reality. You don't need to believe what your mind is telling you. Your world at that moment is a hallucination.

Funeral tomorrow : ( Valium and deep breaths. My gorgeous hubby will be holding my hand.

Hi Freda,

I hope 2moro goes as best as it can 4 u, I am glad ur husband will be there with u!

I am thinking of u 🙂

Stay strong xxxxxxxx

Feel so happy I was able to go and pay my respects. Death is a great leveller.

Renewed determination and motivation to overcome all the cr ap, and move forward. I can't help ease suffering unless I am strong myself, and that is my only motivation. It really is all that matters.

I would love to see the charity the lady worked for, get stronger and stronger, as they literally save lives every day. The stronger I am, the more I can earn, and the more I can strengthen places like that. I would love to see the charity own a property outright, so that they could have a sustainable income from tenants. That would be so amazing. More than enough to drive me forward, not backwards into a gambling den!

Have been really low lately.

It is good that I haven't answered that with gambling, but when I isolate myself I tend to gamble, so need to be on my guard.

I just feel invisible. The only thing I am is a wife. I have very few friends, certainly no 'proper' ones I can ring up and chat to comfortably.

I have to face this fear of getting close to people. Truth is, I have had really bad experiences of friends not coming up with the goods when I need them. People tell me they enjoy my company, that they care, but when the chips are down for me the phone never rings. I feel like I can't take any more disappointment.

I also feel really sad that since I have stopped overcompensating, and bending over backwards to engratiate myself to people, still being nice but not sucking up to people, people seem much less interested in me.

I just feel disillusioned with everything.

One nice thing, is that a lady I lost touch with, who was a mutual friend of the one who recently died, has reached out to me and said do I want to meet up sometime. She has also said that if I need to talk, she is there.

She is a rescuer herself - someone who feels responsible for other people when they are in need. I am trying to pull back from that myself, because the truth is, I can't help anyone else anymore. From a very young age, I was given the message that I was expected to look after my mothers feelings, and that if she was upset with me it was my fault. I had to make it up to her, or face her rejection. Anyway, I won't go on about it because I have spoken about it before, but I have always believed I need to work at being accepted by people. I am not good enough just as I am. It has just wrung me out dry, and hasn't really got me anywhere! If you spend all your time going "there, there" to people, and then you stop because you have problems of your own to deal with, often people lose interest in you. They don't often realise "ok, its time for me to go there there, it's my turn".

Anyway, the point of this ramble is, I'm tempted to just bask in this lady's needy rescuing shtick. It feels nice to have someone being so attentive. Usually, I feel like I can't accept it, because I can't return the favour. It feels dishonest. It feels like it was with my mother - it will be thrown back in my face at some point, as proof that I am selfish and bad. I identify with this woman, because I have been her all my life, and I don't want her to feel she has to do all this. I don't want her to feel like I have felt.

So it draws up a lot of stuff. However, I just need to keep going in the direction I want to go - away from emotional nannying. I will let this lady look after me if she wants to, but will be careful about what I give back. I will remind myself that I don't have to return it all, because I haven't asked to be fussed over. If she can't accept that, then I understand. Unlike my mother, I can cut her loose if she gets spiteful and bitter that I don't want to rescue her.

I have recently realised how hard I find it to let people help me. I bumped into a neighbour the other day, who is just a lovely woman. She is always pleasant and I get a nice feeling from her. Anyway, she was asking if I had the day off today (as I would usually be out by the crossing at this time) and I explained that I had lost my job. She looked really sorry for me, and was full of concern, and I just couldn't accept it. I just kept saying I will be fine, even though thats not how I feel. I am just so trained into feeling I can't tell other people my real feelings, I have to deal with them myself. Another by-product of having emotionally unavailable parents. I'm not supposed to be upset because it worries them, and I can't worry them, because I have to put their feeling first.

I know it seems like I am over analysing things, but I am recognising the old patterns I want to break, and paying more attention than usual to my exchanges with people. I know how automatic it sometimes is to rescue people, so I have to watch the messages I am sending out. I don't want to create new scenarios where my role is rescuer. I have been watching people who don't rescue, and how they manage to still be friendly without taking that responsibility. There really is an art to it.

Anyway, in the midst of all this I am not gambling - hurrah!

Freda ....

so much of what you say I totally understand as I am exactly the same....

I also have realised who is friend to me recently and who just sees me as an ATM machine...harsh lesson to learn.

Like you it is not natural for me to receive....my bf is currently paying my rent for me til i get back to my house in feb and already i wont rest til its all paid back in full...

I left my sis in laws house this week for the same reason as you have with your mother....my sis in law makes me feel bad for exsisting and for being me..and is ony interested in what i can do for her.

I totally get it and its been harsh lesson but I am on my own hun...I get it now..There is no family fall back for me even in dire straights..its one way or the highway.

Your not alone freda...not with me here as I will make sure of it...I already have one virtual sis and I would love you to be another......unconditional.

I have always been a resucer and thats why im in this mess now....in fact i feel impotent cos its me that needs rescuing.

The only advice I would give to you is this...

keep giving outand keep being you.. cos if you give with an open heart you will get back threefold...BUT (and heres the big but.)..you may not get back what you need from the people you WANT to give to you...but you WILL get your needs met by the people who genuinely are the right ones for you....

hope that makes sense.

Learn to receive graciously hun and if this lady wants to b there for you accept her in your life...you are deserving..

Guess whos helped me and come to my rescue???

*My bf who I have only known at long distance for under a year.

*The GC forum.

*The people in my new job who I have known for 2 months.

Not my family and not my friends who have known me for years...they have paid lip service but it has come with strings either conditionally or with a dollop of guilt.

Keep posting hun..post more in fact!...just a suggestion..youu always have things to say that help me and others...

R and D xx

hey Freda..

good plan you have there and just that small mental shift in thinking is going to set a boundary for you to not be used and abused hun xx

ps..also doing a lot of research myself into 21 12 and the energy changes ..planetry and DNA xxx

keep watching the skies

R and D xx

ps..if you havent already..check out "be part of the shift 2012" community on fb xx ; )

Hi Freda,

Not long now til u complete the yr gamble free thread...wot a gr8 achievement 🙂

U r such a strong person and u give me sooo much hope 🙂

Have a gr8 day xxxxxxxx

thanks lasses!

I am really struggling with counselling at the moment..

I have a great counsellor, and am not afraid to look at the real pit of the stomach, gutteral, raw painful feelings and fears - but I'm finding it hard to come back out of that intense, scary headspace, when the 50 minutes are up. So I'm left like a gaping wound, just beside myself, shaking and crying because I can't turn it straight back off. I struggle to function for several hours afterwards.

I'm lucky that I can still use the room for a while afterwards, to let it keep coming out if it wants to, but it feels so intense that I'm scared I might do myself an injury!

I wasn't even aware all this was there, until I focussed in on it. It's amazing what I bottle up and carry around without even realising.

Walnut ,Willow,Mimulus and Elm maybe worth looking at in the dr.bach flower remedies through your transition Freda....

Even though they dont seem to work for me as I'm as sensitive as a brick..lol... a lot of people I know swear by them...

Just had a quick look on google for ya and those 4 seemed to be what you are dealing with...

500ml of Hugs in a bottle coming your way x 10 times a day xxx

R and D xxx

Thanks D,

Had a look, but like a lot of things the descriptions felt right for me in some ways, but not others. Kind of like descriptions of the personality type of my star sign...some of it is bang on, and other bits are not me at all. I guess its because it's hard to fit oneself neatly into a box like that. The problem with the psychiatric diagnostic system too, in my humble. People are fitted into the criteria that most closely matches their symptoms, then given the standard treatment for that diagnosis. Doesn't really deal with the intricacies of the human psyche.

Anyway, been reading an awesome book, that has really helped me understand my pain a lot better, and what I need to do to break the cycle and prevent me from continuing the problem in the future.

My problem stems right back to my earliest relationship with my mother, and that why it has been so hard to shake off. Because I was so dependent on her at that time, and there was a threat that she would reject me if I didn't play along with what she wanted. I think that is about as deep seated as it gets really! That threat was so painful and terrifying, that I have been doing everything possible to avoid that painful fear of rejection ever since. I have been playing out this scenario in every relationship since. In a nutshell, it would be "if I don't keep the other person happy all the time, I will be rejected by them". What a burden to carry!

hey f....

Those BFR dont interfere with meds and as you say not for everyone...they dont work for me but are meant to be good for emotional transition..in germany they on prescription only!

So...thoughts on the book...it sounds like one i would also read and like you i have struggled with expressing or more often surpressing anger and then becoming ill.

Also understand and identify how you feel about your mother as for different reasons I also feel the same way at a primal level.

For me it was more obvious and understandable as being adopted I have always felt i had to people please or be rejected/sent back....this is why i lasted a week at sis in laws as i am not treated the same as the rest of the family and it brought it all back again 30 yrs later...I did the same thing too...isolated in a bedroom and stayed away from the house until everyone was bed..

It is a huge burden for you... and made worse i think like in your case as this is your real birth mother!...how do you deal with that

I see it as almost like emotinal blackmail..do as we say or your out of the family..I guess as adults Freda we still feel we have no choice or somehow we wont be able to survive on our own and we react as if we were still that dependant child.

We exhaust ourselves trying to win peoples love when really we don't have to anymore cos other people love us properly like your hubby does... but yet we still cant "feel' it sometimes....its alien I think as we are used to the struggle and dont trust what comes easily as we have had to fight.

This is why im rubbish at reltionships and feel more relaxed alone ...as i dont have to try and keep people and be superwoman to avoid rejection.

This is why im still on the site as imm also dealing with all this ancient stuff thats stored in my cells and trying to stop the cycle.

The little child in me hasnt realised that i have the power to "get out" of relationships if they are unhealthy...it also is why i am claustraphobic and have a history of panic and phobia.I stay in the burning building as the guilt to save myself is overwhelming..

Also I fear if i get in wiith someone and become dependant on them..what if they go??? i will die ...so thats why i stand alone all the time to keep surviving and also why I am attracted to addicts as it keeps me alone and still fightiing to win their love ..replicating my own childhood...

Being enmeshed and joined to someone scares the bjesus outta me but its what i crave and also fear the most..

Hope that makes sense

R and D xx

I think you may be spot on with the author...: )

You must post some pearls of wisdom from your book Freda.....xxx another one thats meant to be good is "women who dance with wolves"..a bit of a tome but a good un too...

Also Judy reminded me of Jonathan Seagull ..like you I bought all these things but never got round to reading them....timing eh?

Ugly ducklings in the wrong nest now blossoming into swans my lovely.xx

R and D xx