Going to keep this thread now!

Hiya... interesting recent posts. I understand the "feeling invisible". On the surface i say to myself that i have no interest in being the centre of attention but on a deeper level I do want to be noticed I do want to be good at something and to be acknowledged for being good at something. Life feels so pointless sometimes.

Sometimes i just sit and day dream I imagine that I am a hostage in the middle east in some small cell. Ive been there for like 5 years, alone with know one to talk to and just a moth eaten old book that ive red a hundred times. But I cope you see because inside i know that the world is thinking about me and important people are doing all that they can to get me out. I am not forgotten. I not alone. And then eventually the day comes.. freedom!!.. the worlds media taking my picture and hanging on my every word.. beaming news of my release to all corners of the globe. For a while atleast I am the centre of attention and it feels good!

Have a good day now... S.A 🙂

Rach, it makes perfect sense hun. I have felt such a relief myself, since I have managed to understand more about why I am going through this.

Aw SA, I think a lot of us have similar fantasies along the lines of being admired and centre of attention for having undergone a great ordeal.

I think it is to do with wanting people to sympathise and kind of give us permission to have difficult feelings we need help with.

I am feeling sorry for myself, because I have toothache : ( OOOOOWWWWWW!!!! I am at the dentist in the morning, and don't like not knowing what will have to be done. I haven't had to have anything unpleasant done so far, dental wise.

PS - my own fault for not going for 3 years, and putting gambling before my health.

Hi freda

Toothache is just the worst isn't it. The only thing even worse is trapped nerve in spine!

Make sure you get it fixed. Tooth pain only gets worse until its sorted... S.A

Hey Hun

I hereby send you a presciption ..it's permission to get angry.

You are allowed to express anger but I know that if you are not used to it it will feel uncomfortable andd doubtful.

Hopefully there will be some outlet for you freda as it is important to get festering feelings out..You also use the forum which is great as i do.

Hopefully your tooth pain has subsided a bit..also have neglected my health due to other distractions .I hadnt gone to the dentist for ages until i had a near absess..i have a temporary filling thats been in my head now 3 months! was meant to patch me up for a week or so..

Also i left it over 10 yrs for a smear if you remember and went last year after being bullied into it..Quack told me off..How could I ?. "at my age"..etc...

We need to put our health needs as priority...cos we are worth it !!

R and D xx

ps...may have to add ..ingrowing toenail to the list of worst pain.

Thanks Dotters!

Well, turns out that my wisdom tooth is infected. It's also impacted and will need surgery to remove it - bad times : (

Anyway, can worry about that in a few weeks. One thing at a time! Anti-bobs to sort infection out first. I get the impression that if it is expensive to have it surgically removed, I can wait til I can afford it as long as the infection gets cleared up. Thankfully 2 of my wisdom teeth have fully come out straight, and another one is a bit wonky but hopefully won't need taking out as its mostly emerged. Hubby had to have his taken out a few years back, and it seems like quite a full-on thing because there were stitches, and they doped him up real good. Not looking forward to that!

I did something really scary today. I admitted I wasn't ok! To a real person and everything!

It was very hard, but I'm chuffed I did it, as it is a pattern of behaviour that I need to change. My inability to admit that I can't cope. It is almost as scary as asking for help! but one thing at a time!

Hey well done for stepping out of your comfort zone and admitting that you wasn't ok. Its not easy to be open and vulnerable is it? I hope it felt good to get how you felt at that moment in time out in the open.

Ive had times in the past where ive been open about myself only to find my words just hanging in the air because the receiver has not been receptive or has just had no idea how to react.

People are often open with me. I am told i am a good listener and have empathy, though sometimes I think they mistake me listening for me just feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. Mostly am happy to be a listening ear though I don't like it when people abuse that and i end up feeling like a sponge for other peoples emotional angst. I suppose thats the good thing about this diary writing lark. One can be both selfish and selfless and interchange between the two.

Hope those wisdom's of yours settle down. Ive got no idea if ive even got any. Myabe the tooth fairy took mine out when i was a nipper lol. Hope your enjoying your weekend. Thanks for your thoughts, they help me loads. I find your writing very insigtful. A great skill you have there. warm regards.. S.A 🙂

Well, I didn't do it face to face or 'live' on the phone, because I have similar experiences of the receiver not saying anything back. I panic when this happens, and tend to misinterpret this as the other person not caring or whatever - but if I'm fair to the other person it is probably because this is a first, and they are wondering if they misheard me! kind of like the first time you realise your parents have feelings too, and you're like "oh. This is new"!

So I'm gradually putting the message out there, testing the water, showing some vulnerability which makes me feel naked, but not doing a full frontal straight away, just flashing a hint of ankle to see how people react ; )

Keep moving in the right direction, as slowly as you need to, that's the ticket!

hey Freda....its fine by me no matter how you feel and its okay to be not okay...

In Al-anon and Coda if your asked how you are and say FINE you are grilled....as FINE means

f****d up

Insecure

Neurotic

Exhausted

No one lets you get away wiith saying "fine" if you are not.People also genuinely dont really ask "how are you" and mean it either...its just a throwaway question now.

Im glad your saying it like it is....I understand how hard it is to say it out loud and not feel guilty about the listeners response.

Its a real conversation stopper x

Im not okay either Freda...I havent been okay or well for a long time but I guess people dont take me seriously in my 3d life and its my own fault as I have joked my feelings away and trivialised them for years and felt better listening to others.

Thank you for your support hun...I know you get it ...I just want this year over.

R and D xx

Thanks guys,

Just a quick drop by, to say all is well as it can be.

Raised a couple of quid for charity today, which felt good. It is amazing what can happen when you are strategic with your kindness. I won a food hamper the other week in a Christmas raffle, and there were a fair few things in it that no one in our house likes. Packaged those things up, and was just going to give them away to people at the mental health centre I go to. Then I thought "nah, if people want this stuff they can make a small donation for it, that goes to the charity". So asked for a small amount of money 40p for a big tube of pringles for example, 20p for a packet of crackers etc. Made almost £3 this way, and people still got a bargain. Not big bucks, but better than nothing. It's a jar of coffee or a few hundred teabags for the charity! A lot of stuff gets brought in to this place, and just given out to whoever wants it, free of charge. People wanting to be liked I suppose. I like my way best though ; ) I want people to like me whether I give em free stuff or not. If they don't like me without free goodies, so what! lol.

Really really REALLY f*cked off with hm Tribunals service.

Received a letter from them today, asking for my permission to obtain my medical records dating back to 01/01/10 in order to reach a decision on my DLA claim. By law they are only supposed to look at the time period of 03/04/12-03/01/13, because this is the period I am claiming for.

Why the f*** are they considering evidence from before this??? If I don't agree it looks like I have something to hide, if I do agree I am letting them look for reasons to say "no" within evidence that they should not be allowed to be considering. These are the people who are supposed to make sure that disability and benefit law is applied fairly. It's so corrupt!!!!!!

I'm so angry. They shouldn't be allowed to do this. To not only ask for evidence from an irrelevant time period, but to pressure someone to make a decision on this request within 14 days, over the Christmas period, when there is no advice or support available to them on how this may affect their appeal and what their rights are in this situation.

It is utterly disgusting. Disgusting.

Hi Freda... I can see how miffed you are and I don't wish to add to your annoyance. However my gut feeling is that its probably in your interests to allow them to look at your medical records back to the time they ask for. Like you say, if you refuse they might reject your claim on basis of not having the information that they need/want. My thought is to go with the process and see what happens. Warm regards... S.A

Oh boy..it is disgusting ....its like an invasion and you're right prior to those dates should have no bearing at all on the claim.

Have they nothing better to do that go delving back?

I had a different but similar frustration with HMRC...tax interest between a set period then before you know it they wanted about 5 yrs bank stats and investigting me for money laundering...sheesh! ...they also did the old 'if you cant produce info then you are guilty of something to hide" malarky.

I dont know how they can just be "above the law'..although the letters hm mean they can do invade anything ..no privacy.

Try not to let it ruin xmas hun but use your diary to whack out all the anger...its healthy .

hugs

R and D xx

I know SA,

That is why I am so f*cked off. Because if I actually refuse on perfectly reasonable grounds, they get what they want.

Utter c*nts.

What I resent most, is the f*****G pantomime they subject people to participate in, which is the idea that I ever actually had a f*****g chance of them saying yes in the first place. The government puts this process there, to give the illusion that people are actually being given a chance for an objective opinion, when in fact these "objective" people are refusing to see what is blindingly obvious in the first place. Really strange behaviour for genuinely "objective" people isn't it?

It is insulting to my intelligence to be told these people are objective.