Going to keep this thread now!

Hey Freda.. hope your ok?

Interesting what you have to say about the opposite s*x. Am always interested to hear what women think about men. I can understand the feeling safe and protected and snuggling up thing and i can also undertsand the trophy on the arm "look what ive got" showing off to female friends ego boost thing but beyond that Ive never fully understood what women see in men in terms of fancying them but i guess women do fancy men other wise the human race might come to an end.. and ive been lucky enough to have a few females fancy me lol Men and women are different thats all i know for sure.

Anway hope your having a good weekend in the great scheme of things. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

P.s More than 18 months without gambling... thats fantastico! 🙂

Thanks guys. Bit flat when it comes to posting at the moment, just haven't much energy for things.

Things on the whole, are getting better for me, but I think the way I consciously feel is getting worse. I'm just not ignoring my feelings any more, or persuading myself things are ok when they're not. That is a good thing too. So seeming outwardly more depressed/fed up or whatever means I am getting better if that makes sense?

I'm acknowledging a lot of stuff. How long my needs have gone unmet, how frustrated and worn out I am, how hopeless I feel. No more mask. No more brave face. No more editing my feelings for other people's benefit or out of a sense of vanity (not wanting to admit when I am angry for example incase someone disapproves and judges me/thinks less of me/rejects me). Just properly being myself unapologetically, for the first time in my life.

It feels kind of bad a s s! lol. Still not trying to cause harm or upset to people, not being honest for the sake of it "yes your ar se does look big in that you fat f****r" - thats not cool. But not hiding how I feel at my own cost. When it actually hurts me to not be honest about how I really feel.

Started CBT today, and the lady seems very nice. It is actually being held at my old doctors surgery - the people who P***** me about. R went with me today, to sit with me while I was waiting to be seen, and he was laughing at how I found myself unable to resist sticking my fingers up at the doctors every time they turned their backs. It is very weird for me going back there. Somewhere where I didn't feel safe or valued. But hey, thats their karma to worry about, and if it helps to vent a little of my anger by flipping them off behind their backs so be it!

So yeah, I am OK, even though I seem very not OK. It feels both good and sheet, but I have a feeling it's the best thing for me right now.

Gambling can f**k off!

hey Freda..

its a good sign and acknowledment that is more painful to go back now to the person you were rather than continue moving towrds the person you are..

There is a lovely quote about that somewhere about the pain of the butterfly emerging from its cocoon.

The pendulum has to swing in the opposite direction for a while to balance out the old ways of relating...it will find a middle but sometimes going to the other extreme is necessary.

your doing great hun...and being reborn...

hugs

r and d xx

thanks f

I will have a look into it ...the working tax i mean ...stiill feel im not deserving...lol...

i love that film btw..watched it many times and it always makes me think .....

hugs

r and d xx

Hi Freda,

Thank u 4 ur lovely post on my diary. It means a lot 2 me 🙂

It's good 2 read that u r not ignoring how u feel nemore and that u r looking after u, that made me smile 🙂

U r such a strong person and some1 that I have sooo much time 4, u have dealt with some really tough times on this journey and u have still stayed gamble free.. U give me hope!

U r a gr8 lady Freda 🙂

Keep being u 🙂

Take care xxxxxxxx

I am being reborn, I really am.

For the first time in a long time, it is crystal clear to me what is going on in situations where I overreact or get distressed. I can literally see it happening process by process. I couldn't agree more with SA when he says that using the forum to talk about all the stuff beneath the behaviour of gambling, actually is more important to recovery from CGing than talking about gambling directly sometimes. It certainly isn't lost on me that I barely remember to mention gambling these days, and instead talk about the real issues that were feeding it, and what does this co incide with? the longest gambling free period I have ever experienced since I started to seriously address the problem. Coincidence? you decide. I don't think so though.

All of this is perfectly demonstrated in a relatively insignificant exchange that I had on Monday. It wasn't that big of a deal, but it pressed all the difficult buttons within me all at once. Rather than feel silly for overreacting given the smallish size of the issue, for the first time maybe ever, I fully understood why I reacted with such massive pain, anger and frustration. It wasn't about the issue at hand, it was about how it made me feel about myself. How it pressed very squarely, right on my achilles heel.

I'm going to write about that experience shortly in my next post, but have just received a call about some banking issue that I need to pause and deal with now.

Banking issue still not resolved...hmm..

Anyways, have made sure no security account breaching type of thing has happened so happy to put that aside for now.

Monday. Well. I have been receiving support from an organisation for some time in order to help me overcome my fear of asserting my needs, and saying that something is not OK with me. I find it terrifying to get into any kind of confrontation or tussle with anyone, even if it is to fight for what I am rightfully entitled to. I usually end up giving up and accepting things, because I don't feel able to face saying "that's not good enough".

I have had to fight for an awful lot lately - disability financial support, decent medical care from my gp to name just two. I have fought for years to try and have my feelings and needs acknowledged by my family, but have accepted that may never happen.

Anyway, needless to say, it's understandable that I am drained with all the energy it has taken just for me to get what I need. I spoke to a particular person on Monday, about some negative feelings I had about elements of the organisation, but have also been much more vocal about what I am grateful for, and what they do well. Because I couldn't have made it clearer how brilliant I think the organisation is in general, and the staff, I thought this feedback would be received graciously. Often when people take negative feedback badly, it is to do with feeling like credit is not being given to the positives and strengths that are there too. Like they are being globally criticised as all bad based on a small number of errors, which are in fact far outweighed by positives.

This person also knows how hard I find it to be honest if I'm not OK about something, and I need a lot of reassurance that is OK to express this (obviously as long as I do it respectfully). She has been actively encouraging me to do this more infact. So you may imagine that I presumed this was a very safe person to practise doing this with.

No. Turns out it was not OK with her at all. I was really calm and factual, didn't use any name calling, or labelling, didn't exaggerate, stuck to how things seemed through my perspective and how I felt. Very neutral non accusatory language and approach, and she still got really P***** off. I said that I felt like she was getting angry and that I felt confused because I thought it was OK to share how I was feeling (by the way, done privately, just the two of us in the room, so again I did it appropriately so it couldn't have been that). She relented slightly but I could still tell she wasn't happy, and I got really distressed and started ranting about how you can't encourage someone to speak up and deal with fears like that, and then get annoyed when they do, and I have been getting mixed messages because on one hand she is empowering me saying I do have a right to have my voice heard and then when I do she is resisting it and acting like it's not OK, and I wouldn't have made myself this vulnerable to her if I'd known that she didn't mean what she said. She said that that was her stuff that made her get annoyed (at least she did me the courtesy of acknowledging that elephant in the room) and that I shouldn't take responsibility for that. I thought "it's a bit f*****g late for that love, after you put me in an incredibly distressing position that you said was OK".

It tapped into some really intense frustrations and fears that are at the core of everything that I struggle with. It's not Ok to say you are not OK with something, people don't mean what they say, its a bad/deviant/unacceptable thing to be angry/disappointed/critical, and even more deviant to admit to it, its not safe to be vulnerable around people/show vulnerability, getting your needs met means people reject you/dislike you/get angry with you, you can't trust people.

All of that right there, listed above, has just broken me into pieces thinking about how painful all of those messages are to me. To try and believe that those messages I have been given are not true and then for that to blow up in my face, with the person who was supporting me to break through those fears and beliefs has been devastating. I can't put into words how distressed it has made me.

Was due to go to counselling at 2, but having started to cry hysterically to the point I could hardly breathe or speak, thought "yeah, thats probably not going to happen today" so cancelled it.

Let some of that distress out, until I thought this is not healthy and took a valium. Fine now, well quite drowsy and knackered, but panic attack over. This is why I'm struggling with counselling. Some feelings are so distressing to experience, that I end up literally crippled with panic when I try to. Was hard enough to get myself to calm down in my own home, so imagine being in a counsellors office trying to pull yourself together with the same overwhelming feelings. It was a really acute state of frustrated anger, bordering on hysterical, where you can't function at all. The IBS kicks in, I'm unable to breathe, feeling emtional pain right in the pit of my stomach that makes me hunch over. I'm shaking, panicking, crying. Not good.

As I say, now I'm sedated I'm calm again. But if it's overwhelming to let it out, but you don't want to bottle it up either what are you supposed to do?! I've a feeling next time I tap into these feelings

, it won't be quite as intense. Perhaps I literally have to just let things out bit by bit, in manageable amounts. Always feel calmer after a freak out though, definitely lets out some pressure.

One positive thing to come out of today, is I decided to start a video diary. I'm being taken the pish out of by the system, refusing to acknowledge that I do qualify, so whatever it takes. If they watch that and decide that isn't genuine, they will also have to hand me an Oscar. Really not letting go on this issue. It symbolises all of the times I have not got what I am entitled to because I had to jump through so many hoops I gave up. My disability is a white elephant in the room they they are refusing to acknowledge, so I will do whatever it f*****g well takes to MAKE THEM admit it is there. Even if I need to document it on film.

hey f..

What a day ...phew...you must be knackered....

thanks for posting today ...still keeping afloat x

i think you are right about the pressure cooker..has to come out bit by bit and like you say next time it will not be as intense...

i remember those feelings of panic...if you've never had panic attacks you cant make anyone understand the terror.

I think your video diary is brilliant and also a creative way of channeling your feelings about the system and mental health issues.

When i had panic attacks nearly 20 yrs ago i got involved over the way mental illness was dealt with (or not)...at the time it was over the medicines used to treat it and also to highlight certain trigger foods that make the body more acidic that docs didnt tell you about.

Have the Mr Shen at the ready for your oscar f xx

r and d xx

.

Hi Freda... I think video diaries are great... so raw and real. I hope that by keeping one it proves useful to you in getting yourself beneficial support.

Ive been following the video diary of a compulsive gambler. A bloke around my age and in similarish circumstances. Its compelling viewing and i see many of my own traits in him. I find it very helpful in keeping myself on the straight and narrow especially on stressful days like ive had today.

Anyway thats me. Enjoy the snow but avoid the yellow bits!! regards... S.A 🙂

Cheers D & R

Thanks for reminding me about the whole acid/alkaline thing. I have looked into this in the past, and it definitely seems sensible to try and increase my intake of alkalising foods. I have eaten sprouted seeds in the past, for their health benefits, and very much believe that every little bit helps. It can't make me completely better, or my body free of stress, but it's damage limitation. I will have depleted my mineral reserves etc. so it makes sense to support the body the best I can. Been cutting down on my coffee, alcohol and dairy and drinking more green tea and eating more green leaves, avocado etc.

Had some good news in amongst the cack. New GP has agreed to prescribe the meds I am used to, until I get a psychiatrists opinion. I'm sooo relieved. One thing I can put to one side for a while.

I actually can't remember if I've mentioned the next thing on my diary yet or not...have been a bit coy about it. Don't want it to become too "big" and to think myself into a state about it. I got offered a job interview last week!!! Not well enough to pursue many jobs at the moment. There are only very specific things I could manage. I need very low weekly hours, short shifts etc. The employment market is not good right now!

BUT, I saw an advertisement for a job that was about as perfect as I'm going to get. It is working in a University library shelving books. Only 33 weeks of the year, and only 9 hours per week. Uni's tend to be better employers, because although they do have budgets, they don't tend to treat their staff as demandingly, or put as much pressure on you, as a workplace run for the purpose of making as big a profit as possible.

That is why call centre jobs for insurance companies, or retail jobs are so pressurised, because these big greedy corporations want to squeeze as much profit as they can out of it. They purposely understaff these positions, and only offer temporary ongoing contracts so that they can run people ragged and then dispose of them, and get a new person in when the staff get sick due to stress. They don't have to pay any sick pay, they just don't renew your contract.

Well, this job for the Uni isn't like that. It's permanent, although I'm sure there will be a probationary period which is fair enough. I would imagine it would be a reasonably civilised work environment. A library isn't going to be noisy and chaotic, and shelving books doesn't sound too demanding if I am having quite an anxious or vulnerable day. Not as demanding as dealing with P**sed off customers in a shop, who have been waiting in a queue for ages, and you have to smarm all over them and remember to try and flog them store cards etc.

So I am really hopeful. Ideally, I would want to wait until my anxiety had calmed down a bit more, but these sort of jobs don't come around all the time, so its balancing the two.

Even if I don't get offered the job, or I do and decide to turn it down, it is good news and a good sign that I got offered an interview in the first place. Gives a ray of hope. Most of the anxiety is caused by not being well enough to cope with many jobs, but having no support from the benefit system whatsoever. I swear if I had just had a small amount of financial support like 20 quid a week, my anxiety would have been less than half what it has been. I mean how are you supposed to recover from stress related illness when you can't make ends meet?

Hi Freda... good news about the job interview. What you describe sounds just the ticket, but also like you say whatever comes of it, am sure it feels nice just to have got the interview. Its like the job I had an interview for last week. I didn't go in the end because of several reasons but having got an interview has kinda given me the confidence that their is another job out their for me and it will happen when it happens.

Am really into green tea at the moment. helps me cut down on the coffee.. just a bit lol .. cheers S.A 🙂

hey f...

i think the uni job sounds great and i would imagine very therapeutic for you as like you say no demanding customers...

my job compared to what i did before is lovely and a joy to do...i was isolated in my job before but its been great just mixing with folks again..not in a full on way.. but more just for different conversation .I think its got your name on it hun xx...let us know how it goes...

On the acid/alk thing...i got over pannic atacks by altering my diet and also working on emotions combined.

I was trapped in a cycle...

On the therapeutic side I saw a fabulous reflexologist who worked along with Louise Hay principals...I was no surprises...in a destructive relationship and felt trapped...in the end i had the confidence to get out and then went from being a housebound agoraphobic and chronic panic attack sufferer ... to travelling the world solo for about 2.5 years!!

That happened in my 20's and I was literally reborn..a breakthrough not a breakdown..never had a panic attack since despite huge stresses over the last 3 yrs.

For me acidic foods were the culprit..milk ..which is more acidic than citrus and other foods that made my body acidic.. .my body was in a state of metabolic acidosis which then affects mood,emotions and immunity.

Now if i have too many of those foods..i dont have panic attacks any more but i get warnings now in the form of skin rashes and allergies when ive pushed it.

At 40 i started with hayfever which i have never haad before and a mystery rash on my chest thats gone now...

The common denomintor for all this stuff with me is histamine...the inflammatory chemical....without it we would be dead but under stress its permanently "on" red alert.

Interestingly they are now looking at reclassifying depression as an inflammatory condition ..funnny those words eh...all anger related and surprssion of anger...

Histamine shoots up and stays "on" with adreniline..no wonder for people who are panic attack sufferers our symptoms can be bizarre to anyone looking from the outside in.

Now i see my days in panic as my emotional alarm bell going off saying NO MORE..enough is enough....it was my bodys way of saying f***k off....

On the physical my hisamine was through the roof doing the same...and now as i say i get lesser histamine symptoms in the form of allergies now.

Hope that makes sense hun...gone on a bit xx

just wanted to share that with ya in case you felt the same xx

r and d xx

Makes perfect sense hun. I am also trapped. Trapped in a cycle I can't break out of. Not being able to remain in work long term, due to a pattern of losing my job after relatively small dips in my functioning.

I don't know if I have just had really carp employers/colleagues, but if I believed that an employer wouldn't just dispose of me once my "secret was out" that I live with long term depression and anxiety, that is much more likely to resurface within the first 6 months of a job, I would be fine. My experience is, that if my anxiety or depression comes to their attention within the first 6 months of a job, when I am still in a probationary period, therefore have very few rights, I end up unemployed again.

I have long thought that becoming self employed is the answer. Take away that fear of being unfairly fired, and I will be able to function again. however, just not a realistic prospect in this recession.

Then I have to try and rebuild my confidence, with f**k all to live on, which forces me back into the workplace when I'm still not well enough, and the cycle repeats itself.

Not so easy to break out of that cycle, because it's not all within my personal power. In a stronger economy, I could take control by going into business. I have pretty good business nouse and always have.

For the time being I try to remind myself that I am trapped at the moment and have the insight and knowledge necessary to make the right choices, once they become feasible or available. it's just a question of waiting it out.

Sadly I'm nearly 34, and waiting it out until the conditions arise in which I can stabilise myself financially, and therefore emotionally, may take the option of having a child away from me. That would really suck.

To be honest, myself and hubby aren't sure we would end up having any kids even if we could, but it would be nice to find out.

I found out someone I know has had their DLA approved recently, and got middle rate. This has given me some hope that they are not just saying no to everyone. This person has not been in hospital for years, and has remained reasonably stable, so it shows you don't have to be literally sectioned and dribbling before you get a yes.

understand what you mean there f xx

I do see your fears there with employers and also the cycle of feeling you have to be perfect and not slip and "keep it all in" which would be more likely to set off the feelings of anxiety and being trapped and silenced as you could not be yourself..

I know you have the Uni job coming up but have you thought about approaching the CAB yourself too see if they need anyone on a paid part time basis with view to more?...

I know im a big fan at the moment but i was thinking more that you would be in an understanding environment plus also i never realised the CAB are a collective lobby group who psuh for benefits being changed and also who lobby to get mental and emotional illness high on the adgenda and taken seriously.

It would be a great way of getting paid plus using your determination and energy to make real changes to the system,...

I never realised it was the CAB lobbying parliament in the UK that were behind getting family tax credits for working mums and also working tax credits for the low paid...

You know...you could even send them your video diary as it could be used to show other people who are suffering like you that they are not alone?

hugs

r and d xx

ps glad you get where im coming from hun xx