HARMONY !

Yo,

Right now this minute I am one angry cross person.

Something happened at home this morning that started it off, or was it the stress from yesterday , who knows .

Then I read someone I really care about on here is being dragged through the mill .

Which increased the level of anger I felt ........

So went and had a bath , and sat there contemplately my feelings .

When I was at it , I never had feeling that rose much off the scale .

If I was a bit tired I would tell myself to de stress by having a bet

If I was slightly cross bout something , I would tell my self to have a bet cause it would make me feel better .

If I was put upon, or my demanding family asked for too much ( a daily occurrence ) I deserved a bet to give me down time.

If something good happened , I would bet caused my luck was in

Come rain or shiny I would focus on a slight move in my emotions and bet to either change them , or to build on what I believed was a happy emotion .

Since not betting , I am starting to feel again , more than just a slight deviation , it is a weird to feel such anger today . But it's a good thing , every day normal people feel good bad ecstatic furious sad , and all these emotions have nothing to do with if a certain horse won or lost , the bonus feature appeared or not , in my case if I got 2 or 3 numbers consecutively on a FOBT .

But this is really alien to me , being really angry .

I know today it's a good thing , especially as I am not looking for an excuse to pop out , and pop in to the local bookies .

So today I will deal with my anger , not try to mask it ,

Or be even angrier because I feel this way .

So those are my thoughts right here right now , off to wash up , have a f*g , wash my suits and carry on with my day ........

Shiny cxxxxxxxxxx

hi Shiny..

Wondering if you feel any better...good for you for expressing those angry feelings....

keep posting them out

R and D xx

ps hope your not mad at me?

Yo,

Rach not mad at you 🙂 , keep doing the Lambeth walk lol but no still angry writing it down has not made me less angry but like I said do not see it as a bad thing .

So to carry on from my previous post .

Was thinking bout , when I was in recovery before .

I yep managed 5 years , but do not remember being as cross as I am right now . I recon that's cause I found another way to deal with my emotions . I would escape not in front of an FOBT , but to my room . Read , hide away , sleep , play tetris, anything but let those feeling out .

So lessons learnt , to continue down the middle lane , which although I am angry I am still in my middle . You have to like yesterday ride the storm . It can be a storm of anger like today , a storm or stress like yesterday or even a storm of happiness like last week when I found out I was one of the chosen few . In my opinion for me to abstain and maintain ( smiler hope you are ok ) and to move forward in recovery , I need to learn that's it ok to feel emotions, to go with them and to come out the other side .

Right time to hand up my suits , the cif easy lift surely must of cleaned the top of the oven all by itself by now lol

Onwards and more importantly upwards .....

Laters

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

HI Shiny,

Mad, Sad, Happy, Indifferent, i think its all so much better than numb and scared.. either way I feel more alive now than i have in a long time.

I hope your whirlling round like a tazmanian devil lol..... Get it all out 🙂

Your post on my diary made me laugh thank you just what i needed. Unfortuanlty I had to come in work LOOKING LIKE JOHN MERRICK lol... ( the elephant man save you googling it lol ).

Definantly onwards not sure about the upwards bit for me today but im trying.

Take care

Blondie xxxxxxx

Hey shiny

These feelings are alien to us all but those feelings are lot better than guilt and fretting over gambling.

Keep with the great work my friend

Gamble frees the way forward

Carl

hey shiny

Carl

Yo ,

Oh so true Carl , and yep I no longer feel guilt , or remorse , or over compensate to my family , for being a bad girl lol

I am constantly searching for an answer , not to be cured , not to control gamble but to live in harmony with my addictive personality .

Today I proved something to myself , that I could feel anger , and go with it , that's a massive step for me . Just to feel , and not do something anything , be it gamble , drink , play tetris , to try to feel differently .

I believe we are on a life long journey , which will we learn , challenge , what ever , keep pushing to find our way in this world . A world in which I for one accept MUST be without ever having another bet ..

And just for today , I didnt

Laters

Shiny xxxxxxx

Evening Shiny

I think your right...to live in harmony to all those negative and positive feelings that we have in our lives...it's what we do or don't do with them is the key!

We live side by side with our emotions and feelings...embrace the good positive one's and try to manage the negative one's until they subside! I guess that is what we do when the urges to gamble come...they do come thick and fast at times but as long as we manage them and not act on them, they soon subside which then turns into a positive feeling that we didn't act on them! I'm wittering now Shiny

Just want to say stay strong honey

Forwards not back

Jewels x

Hi Shiny,

It is really hard 2 deal with how we feel sometimes and it is soooo much easier 2 escape and hope wotever we r feeling goes away. It does temporarily but then it comes back much worst!

So I think 2day u accepting ur anger was a good thing, I hope u r feeling better now tho 🙂

U r a gr8 person Shiny 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xxxxxxxx

Hi Shiny, I'm glad that you're angry because I know you're not an angry person. It shows that you're human and you're not 'frightened' to feel and show emotion. Lots of people are and all it does is mess them up from the inside out. You felt it and dealt with it and as long as you don't replace it with guilt and then compensate then you've become a firmer, stronger person. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, I have to agree with you, I am more of a pragmatist than someone who shows empathy. Forget emotions, logic and reason will do for me. When Maise gets nettled we or should I say I discuss how the plant has hypo (below) dermically (the skin) injected Formic acid into her reacting with her nerve endings. We or I observe the swelling (histamine) and the white blood cells forming a protective ring. All she probably wanted was a dock leaf (alkaline) and a cuddle but where's the pragmatism in that? Anyway I hope you're ok and you get some sleep.

Steve

Hiya shiny ..

but more time today to read your post again and also peoples repsonse especially about escaping from thse feelings when then come up and learning to let them out....let steam from a pressure cooker.

I think for someone like yourself whereby you say it feels alien to you ...its good thing..redressing that balance and keeping in the middle lane..

Truthfully,i could learn with keeping stuff in a bit more and not expressing every feeling that comes along...as the way you felt yesterday is probably how I feel normally 24/7...it can be exhausting.

This forum is a learning curve for sure....and anger is also a good gauge on self esteem rising as it shows that you and things /people you value and are important to you, are worth fighting for even if it may cause a bit of turbulence .

hugs

R and D ,....doing the lambeth walk...have a banana : ) xx

Mornin shiny

Thanks for ur continued support means so much ,some great posts u av been putting on bout anger but mostly dealing with it staying controlled through it , it's great to see then how u make full use of us diary whilst logging these emotions .it starts to bring back more on what made u gamble and more importantly now know what the triggers were and now what to look out for

Iit will help so many people who read ur diary , many times it makes me sit up and think but ultimately it's there for u and u make fantastic use of it

Quick update on x factor , MG was mesmerized by Sundays show and must av watched it endless times esp Louis not been able to make is mind up , see what Saturday brings

Take care

Castle2

Good Morning Shiny

Thanks for taking the time to say hi and for the support yesterday

Take care and be dtrong

Yo,

Off today ........

My youngest is struggling with her access course and work.

She put on those doe eyes this morning bout how it would be the best day of her life , if someone did her washing ...... Lol

So as I said in an earlier post I am sooooooo proud of her . So today I decide to show her .

I did her washing and gave her room a make over .

Did not paint , but off I went in search of the London look , ( Rach you would appreciate that no doubt)

So new duvet cover , lamp . pictures , telephone boxes lol, the whole kit and kurboodle .

To be honest it looks really good , well not the Ade treatment but still lovely . She deserves it and I have really enjoyed surprising her this way .

She is due in at 8 :30 , but I will be out with girls for physic night . Hopefully the lady will turn up this time ....

Me the sceptic thinks yer right , what a load of twoddle but time will tell .

So expect a late night post , telling you if the future looks good for me . ( hay as long as I ain't gambling its gonna be better than my past ) lol

Laters

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxxx

Shiny

I hope your daughter enjoys it as much as I did reading it!!!

Well done you.

Duncs stepping forward never back