Hope

Hey SA

I'm the worst person to be giving relationship advice as my taste in men is not one thing I can't define...i guess I am of the school of psychology that thinks that maybe the relationship with the parent of the opposite s*x to you may have some bearing...

For me at any rate you could line up my exes and they physically look all different some fat, some thin, some 6 ft 3 others just clearing 5' 5 ... but there is one overriding common denominator ...they have all in their own way been "unavailable " or not present for me...their attention and priority being elsewhere...absent.

Thats just my own experience and possibly a load of crapola..but all I know is that for women it's usually a complex set of things that bring about an attraction ...I once went out with a guy because I liked his arms!!!

Smell is also a biggie for me....I have never once thought Brad Pitt attractive sexually because in my mind he smells like plastic, mixed with formaldehyde and bleach ....but Phil Jupitus probably smells like home ...lol

Ps..ripped abs...? ..sometimes the things that look the best feel the worst..who wants to hug an ironing board? Cuddly is good.

R and D. Xx

Hey SA,

Thanx for ur post and yea i agree..for the better future:-)

Stress levels high in my work that's why decide to get away for an hour lol....just need peace and quiet...i'm sure nobodywill miss me...i only shout and ordering around today( joking of course;-))

You talking about love...well tough one. I don't think i ever was in love actually.i just need to stop running away then things start getting serious( moving in together wise)..and guys never have what i need..understanding and warmth i need...maybe it's just me..

I allways was the one to put dot on relationships...hmmmm...some work needs to be done lol

Take care

Good stuff on g free time:-)

S x

Hi SA,

Can't say I've got much in terms of relationship advice to offer, I'm not sure about you but the friend zone is where I seem to find myself with most women. I listen well, but ain't bf material. Hell, they're probably making better choices than I've been doing for much of my life.

Equally, I don't think that's me, I had a few girlfriends in my twenties, and each one brought their fair share of drama, or maybe it was me that caused the drama. I find myself on a much more even keel when its just me.

Hope it chills out at work, most people spend most of their time in the workplace, so it really is the most important place where you should feel comfortable in my opinion.

All the best

Ryan

Day 340.... thanks for your thoughts folks.. much to think about... but not just now.

s**t day at work but at least its another day passing without a penny gambled. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA... sorry the day was S***e for you. Thanks for your post to me... got me thinking some more. Before I get into the "meat" of what I'm going to say, just wanted to ask if you know/remember what happened to "Lucy" and "Anna" who posted on your diary a lot in the early days? I was reading some of your diary at first from the beginning and then here and there and I saw their posts. They used to post on my diary also and I've wondered about them from time to time. Anyway... on to your post to me and my thoughts... You pondered what makes us happy and said that the answer is complex. Indeed, it is, and maybe it's simple at the same time. It's about fulfilling our needs, I suppose. I definitely agree that a relationship is no cure for unhappiness but having said that, I also believe that it can contribute greatly to our happiness. I think before we can enter into successful relationships we have to have some level of awareness of ourselves and what makes us tick. I think you do have quite a lot of insight into yourself, though, we're always a work in progress if we're to continue growing. They say you should have about a year of abstinence under your belt before entertaining thoughts of entering into a relationship and you are pretty much there. Heartfelt congrats on that. You really should be proud. In reading through chunks of your diary last night, I noticed a few recurring thoughts. One of them was loneliness which we both struggle with. Buddy... I think you're ready to start testing the waters. In one post, you mentioned that you were considering dating and I'm not sure as I didn't read every entry but I don't think you went with it. I'm guessing you're afraid (as many men and also women are). It's risky as you may face rejection. And how we handle rejection is, of course, related to our self esteem which you've also brought up on more than one occasion. I think self esteem is something a great many people have issues with, certainly most on this forum, but also most of the folk you see walking around all over the world. I don't think the stereotypes of males and females serve us and it's sad that we/society buy into it, though, that's slowly, slowly changing. I think you should take a risk, SA. And if that is too dangerous for you, then maybe consider ways you can get out there and meet new people. I know you get out there on your bicycle. Do you ever just stop and chat with anyone? Maybe you should. Maybe set some goals for trying to strike up conversations with people without any agenda and see where it goes? Or do some volunteer work (preferably related to something you're interested in but haven't explored much. Far be it from me to offer advice as I most certainly don't have my S***e together (hahaha... I give it anyway), but what I see in you is a fellow who is able to talk about his feelings here (and women love guys who are willing to talk about their feelings... so many just shut down) but is afraid to risk. I think you've come a long way, SA, but you're stagnating now and need to push yourself to grow some more. You won't get what you want if you don't take some risks. Another recurring thing I noticed in your diary pages was dissatisfaction with your work situation. I don't know how old you are (or even if that should really matter and I have lots to ponder there with my own situation) but I just wrote a post to Martin about my thoughts on that. Push yourself, SA. Reward requires risk. Lastly, you mentioned someone you know off from work but figure she's alright because of her posts on Facebook. Don't make any assumptions there. Almost everyone I have on FB has absolutely no idea about what my life is like! I keep it very impersonal and I'm sure it's misleading to most. Have a good evening, SA.

Hi Carla... I think your summary of how it is for me is pretty close to the mark. I appreciate the time and effort you have put in to reading my diary and then saying what you have said.

As you suggest, the bottom line is my unmet needs and the only way to meet unmet needs is to take some risks and make some changes. Usually I only make changes when situations are forced upon me, usually crisis situations as a result of gambling. To make changes when not in crisis I find very hard. Its so easy to just go with the flow and accept my lot as it is.

But I do deserve a better quality of life than I currently have. I do want to make changes, its just that am scared I spose. I don't really have a fall back position if it all goes wrong so I cling to what I know in the day to day. The reality is that I have always been treading water only or going down on a sinking ship. I sometimes talk of waiting for a eureka moment when I finally start to see a way forward, but it never comes and then more time passes and life continues as is.

This is the reality of living on my own, nobody their to kick me up the backside to do the stuff that am scared to do. So easy to do nothing and idle away time. I think once ive got to the year gamble free, then I will start a new diary. The themes in this dairy are all too clear. My understanding of how I operate is clear. The repeating patterns are clear. The build up to gambling episodes are clear. My unmet needs are clear. This diary has too much sadness. It is my history but it is not my future. Thanks for listening... S.A

Glad I wasn't off base with the post. Was thinking about what I said and then thought of myself. Here I am giving advice when I haven't dated since I don't even know when... teens? No, early 20's! Yikes. The only reason I ever got married (at 40) was because I was relentlessly pursued by an opportunist who was after my money (and got a good chunk of it). Other than that and a couple of one night stands, I've always run away from any decent guy who has asked me out.

Day 341 gambling free.

Am feeling quite panicked about things this morning. Strong urge to resign from my job, even though I don't have nearly enough savings to do that with any confidence, with any suitable buffer. This is what happened in my last job, repeating patterns. Reaching a point where I think "enough is enough, I can't cope" and I just leave, regardless of the consequences. God give me strength to find another job first.

My mate came over yesterday. I think he's losing his mind even more than I am... but he has a glimmer of hope. Another of his pension providers has been found, they wrote to him saying he can get a lump sum now of £7000. I'd be over the moon if I was him. £2000 of this would settled his debts and the rest if spent wisely would see him through to an age where he'd be old enough to not have to pay bedroom tax. He doesn't see it that way of course. Highly likely that he will gamble it. He wants me to look after his card. I said I will but that won't last long before he's wanting it back.

Deep breaths, go to work, its another day, at least its Friday. No gambling please... S.A

You hang on, SA. Don't make any rash moves. Breathe.... breathe... It's going to work out. It's almost the weekend. ((SA)) And if you're not comfortable about the card, I think you should tell him so and not feel guilty for it either.

Day 341 continues... thanks Carla 🙂

Inevitably am feeling somewhat better, cos I have got through another working day and now its the weekend. Yipee!!

A manager from another project was at the centre today. I decided to ask him about a transfer. He says they have vacancies for females only, as their clients are mostly women. But I felt good that I was pro-active and asked. I will do some job search this eve. Onwards... thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA..

Little steps my friend..you doing great:-)

I'm sure you will find what you are looking for..you have got a talent/skills as far as i see... Keep moving forward..YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Take care

Sandra x

Morning world!... and thanks Sandra 🙂

Day 342 with not a penny gambled in that time. I managed to sleep beyond 6 a.m for the first time in ages.

Am off down the caf for a saturated fat breakfast.. its got to be done! 🙂

No gambling, no gambling. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

SA

Great to read your still making a choice which without doubt brings a peace of mind and in doing so helps you to gift the same to many others.

You posted upon my thread that the destruction this addiction brings knows no bounds, to which you are so correct and long may the cycle of abstinence continue.

The result of which can only briing positive things.

Thanks for sharing your recovery.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey SA

You speaky my language !! ..still in bed, with my bedfellow radio 4 ..but you have now inspired to me move my a,ss and get me a fry up! ..yee ha! ..

Xxx

Hi SA

You're going great! I enjoy reading your posts and often feel you write what I'm thinking. Its not easy eh.....but we're getting there!

Enjoy the belly buster brekkie!

Take care

Irene

x