Hope

Day 378 (54 weeks) gamble free.

Am glad to have got Saturday out the way. I was feeling a bit out of sorts. Happy simply to have not gambled. Some days that's enough. I still have to work at this not gambling lark, it still lurks within.

I awoke feeling angry about work stuff but have since calmed myself. With respect to work, nothing changes if nothing changes and with respect to my life, nothing changes if nothing changes. I have a list of stuff to do in my thoughts. Lets see how much I actually get done.

This place is a bit of a life line to me. Allows me to get a few thoughts out that would otherwise just circle round and round and round, like sharks in a tank. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi S.A

Wowza, 378 gamble free days!! This is amazing, well done!

Having give this gamble free life style a few goes in the past, my weakness has been to stop posting on here thinking that i'm suddenly cured of this illness! How wrong I was! I love how even after a good year of abstinence you still treat it like its day 1. This is something I'm going to adopt in my own recovery so thank you! I think you have a brilliant approach to this. You're well aware of your triggers and how to manage them. This again is something I'm learning slowly.

Good read mate

Jimbo

Day 378 continues...

Yes Jimboo and thanks, day at a time it will always be. No targets with me anymore. Targets set me up for a fall. Just taking each day as it comes and then acknowledge the landmarks as they come and go.

It means that my diary will always be about 10 times as long as anyone else's as I use it to its full potential. But it works and until the time comes when I make significant progress on my life and how I live it, then it doesn't make any logical sense to stop using it.

My main issue is finding a way to be with and around people and have a closeness and friendship with others, without it messing with my head. I feel safe on my own and yet I feel lonely. I have closer relationships with people with learning disabilities (through my work) than I do with my own family and friends. People with learning disabilities flock to be around me. I feel like the p**d piper..lol This state of affairs is odd to say the least.

With most people with learning disabilities, what you see is what you get. There is no dishonesty and craftiness. They usually see me as someone who will help them to be themselves. People in the real world have an agenda, at least that's the way it often feels.

I accept that with solitude and functional depression it brings a little paranoia and suspicion of others, like my neighbour beneath who shouts and swears at the slightest noise thinking its the neighbours beneath him being bad neighbours, when most of the time they are not even there.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hello S.A.

Funny, I just read your post and you mentioned folks with DD/ID. I too have worked with this population almost my entire career. Except for now. Now, I am only training staff. Anyways, I couldn't agree more about folks and agendas.. Oh well, you must be a gentle soul because, those folks who flock around you have a sense about those things. At least that's what I think anyway.. Have a nice day S.A. -joanxxx

Day 379... thanks Judy 🙂

Often I find that their are things that I need or want to do that would be good for me or beneficial to me but I just don't do them. I don't understand why? Still punishing myself I guess or words similar to that.

Anyway, off to the funny farm I go... thanks for listening.. S.A

Hey SA

Your previous post there is spot on and exactly how I feel.

Of you replace the word "learning disabilities "with the words "animal kingdom" then that's how I feel for all the same reasons...no headworking and it's straightforward communication...what you see is what you get.

I also am reluctant to strike up new friendships because I don't want to have to waste yet more time sifting through another's cr** , defence system and game playing.

I would happily spend my time with the animal kingdom from now until the end of time..they are more civilised. I would also say children but they grow up to be potentially dysfunctional adults who cause mayhem..lol ..yep...I'm that cynical .

My friend has a disabled brother who is now coming up to 50 . He goes to the centre most days and lives in a shred house with round the clock carers,

A few years back they worked on a project with some of the local long term prisoners in the area.

These big burly men with chequered lives reduced often to tears as my friends bro and his pals greeted these lifers as long lost mates. With no understanding of money or even what a prisoner is these guys were overwhelmed that they had met people in society who did not judge them and saw them and not a label "murderer" or "criminal"

In my humble opinion people like my pals bro are here to test us and our capacity.

R and D xx

Ps

Also don't worry about how long your posts are or how many...you are sharing something valuable my friend which is you!

From seeds grow oaks.

I'm not even convinced Alex Higgins would have been discussing accumulators or taking a punt on his deathbed.

In fact ..the number one thing people actually say on their deathbed is...

Drumroll...bbrrrrrrrrrr..

I wish I had been my real self rather than what others expected...

You share your real self every day and that means something whereas gambling has zero meaning and value here and I should guess in the next world.

Keep posting xxx

I love the honesty in your writing as always makes me feel I have such an insight into your thoughts and feelings. As others have said you are cared for by the people you work with as they have an intrinsic understanding of what you have to offer them and it is a shame that your staff team take this for granted and don't support you to lessen the stress factors so you can actually enjoy your job.

I also struggle to socialise but do find when I make a huge effort to actually go out I am nearly always surprised at how much I enjoy myself and although most of my friends are longstanding I am beginning to allow myself to trust people once again and have been reaping the rewards.

Please don't give up on the job hunting, I am sure there is someone out there who will appreciate your worth. My first job many years ago in a therapeutic children's home I found by accident and it was amazingly rewarding and set me off on my current path.

Cant see the sun today but it has still come up.

xxx

Day 379 continues... and thank you everyone for your considered and thoughtful thoughts.

Am having a fairly good day and feeling fine. My topsey turvey inner world continues...

thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 379 comes to a close....

I was going to go for a run (because its what I do) but then at the last moment I lay on my bed instead. Be good to myself by not going for a run. My body tells me it needs rest and sleep, so that's what I will do. In fact I like the idea of being a polar bear at this moment in time.. digging a hole in some snow (if I could find some)and having a nap for a few months...zzzzZZZZ Bliss!!

No gambling. can't gamble when napping. Thanks for listening... S.A

P.s As Dragon fly notes "I also struggle to socialise but do find when I make a huge effort to actually go out I am nearly always surprised at how much I enjoy myself" This is similar to how it is for me.

Hey SA..

Shadowing your post there:-) sleep...ahh..for a few months suits me well:-)

Good lad and well done...get some rest.perfect time of the year:-)

Keep it up SA...as always reading and nodding along 🙂

S x

P.s. really agree with u and DF.. if we go out we do enjoy ourselves..such an effort lol lol

Day 380 with not a penny gambled on any form of gambling.

Thanks Sandra 🙂

Struggled today. Tired I was. Supporting clients to manage their behaviours when I am tired is just hell lol I just want to scream at people to "shut the f*** up" but I don't.

Anyway 2 more units to do and I will have finished my Nvq3 which is a nice way to acknowledge 3 years of hard work and emotional stress at the coal face of care. Time to go stack shelves in Asda or something like it.

No gambling. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Are you asleep yet?

Hope so ...zzzzzzzzzzzz

Night night SA xx

Hello SA

Really means a lot seeing you pop up on my diary, thankyou and feel very humbled.

I also dream for that eureka moment when things just fall into place. Sometime I think, yay its here! But then another false dawn as I let the addictive side take over. Just takes work and a real want I guess, something i'm not even sure I've ever wanted, letting my ego stand in my way.

You show some real commitment to these diarys and recovery, a real admirable caring quality. I wish you well

Hi SA,

Keep going towards that NVQ mate, working in care is tough at the best of times, both my sister and mother work in this field and I know the toll it takes.

I missed your hitting new records on the road too, congrats for beating your PBs. Your success at keeping away from gambling is an inspiration, hope I can still be chasing you in a year's time.

All the best

Ryan