I HATE MYSELF

I'm back for a reason id like to say it's because i have been beating this addiction ( as silly as it sounds I now know that's exactly what it is ) but the truth is im worse than ever ...Things are pretty bad at the moment ..i feel I have no one to turn to ..Just get a trip Lesley !
I feel defeated and very low .. I don't know what to do next ..
Too much , time & money waisted
Not going to promiss anything but I'm just going to take one day at a time .. tommorow I will not be gambling ...

I am a poor excuse for a woman ..
Who am I ???
I no longer recognise myself .

Hello lesley good to see you posting again. Not so good that you're finding it hard at the moment. If you have time post something on the fb page were all there to help each other.
Xx

Hi Lesley, sorry you're struggling at the moment. Sadly, this addiction does turn us into people we no longer recognise and for me completely changed my personality to a person I really disliked! I have to make the right and turn things around, I don't want to be that person anymore. Sometimes it takes is hitting the bottom to realise we no longer want to live like this. I am now at that point and I hope you get there too because once I reached that decision it's be the best thing for me, it's helped me focus and feel more determined than ever to live life and not just exist feeling horrendous every day! Perhaps if you feel upto it, read some diaries on here, everyone more or less had hit rock bottom end at some point or had that wake up call, this site I've found so helpful for adviex even, understanding, support and encouragement. I hope you at some point break through the fog you feel stuck in now, I also from experience know that that fog is far from a nice place to be! Take Care. Cx

I'm not sure if if got rock bottom but I don't think I could feel much lower .. what an absolute mess .. how did I get here ???
More importantly how to I get out of this place ..

Ok blocks help a little ..but it's almost become part of my routine (trying to get onto a site)
I am almost sad when I get on a site that will allow me to gamble .

Telling someone ..I don't have many people that I truly call freinds over the past few years I think i have become a loner..i have family who I never see.. my mum is the only one who I have told and to be honest she really couldn't be bothered to help , I love her but she is definately not the person to help.

I'm not one for feeling sorry for myself ..I'm disgusted in what I do ..i wake in panic every morning thinking I have gambled during the night.

I'm going to tell someone today someone i really dont want to tell.
There's no telling what he'll say ..but I know he will help it not going to be easy but I didn't think it would be ..
My son's dad however much we don't get on I know he would do anything for his boy.

I have ordered a new bank card
someone said that the security code can be scratched off I'm not going to open it just give it to him and ask him to do it.

i had phone councilling from gamcare but messed that up .

so and this will be the hardest. I have found a nearby g a meeting
I'm going to attend on saturday its just before I go to work so no excuse about lack of child care

I'm not giving up .. I can't .

Since my last log in on here I have lost my deposit on the holiday I booked ..i have blown nearly £6000 of my hard earned cash and am behind on every house hold bill ..

i know I'm depressed I have been to doctors but he says I'm just exhaused..

I'm fourty ..3 stone over weight ,
I have 3 kids who I bring up by myself I'm in debt , In a crappy job
n my hairs a mess
Where to start ???

At the begining where everything starts would be good ? :))

You sound as though this time your going to be far more proactive in stopping gambling , telling another person is never easy but opening up to them will give you an imense self pride back as will attending GA , again another pro active thing and that's what it's all about , doing things for yourself instead of waiting for them to magicly chang with no effort from yourself .

As soon as you give up for a month and none of your hard earned money goes to fund your gambling you can start getting caught up with the household bills , maybe look at joining a gym or if the moneys not available for that then just go for a long walk or a gentle jog to start with , even fitness videos work if you give them a chance , go and get your hair done as a treat for going the first month gamble free ? then you'll start feeling better about yourself again , gambling strips us of all our dignity and feelings of self worth , things won't change overnight but with a little effort small changes in your daily routine will add up to a completely different you .

When I came here 13 months ago I was in such a bad place , I'd run up a lot of debt , had nowhere to turn to and contemplated ending it all by googling painless ways to die ! , I opened up to my family and took steps to address my situation , I sorted my debt so it was managable and I came here everyday so I didn't forget the place I'd just come from and I haven't had a single bet since , life's so much better now , I sleep well and I have money left at the end of the week , I concentrate more on my kids live's and genuinly take an interest in what going on around me , it's not all been easy but it's so been worth it :))

I know exactly how your feeling right now but it can all be put right and life can become fun again , the only tghing you have to do is to want not to gamble more than you want your next bet .

You can do this , little steps and one day at a time is the way forward .

I've got faith in you , you just need a little in yourself .

Alan x

I didn't want to come on here but ..it really does help ..i used to sit in floods of tears reading some posts , recognising other people's agony as my own . I didn't want to get up this morning ..but I did ..I have never thought that my kids would be better if without me this week however I had convinced myself they would be far better off if I just disappeared ..I am more scared of this thought than I am of anything .. WAKE UP CALL .. It's not going to happen not for you, mr roulette , or Mrs spinning wheel .
I'm all my kids have .. I know they need me what's more I need them .I am sick of this life ,sick of moaning ,and having just told my ex about me gambling , I feel a little relief ..he basically told me I had to go it alone ..but he knows he has agreed to take my bank card and scratch the new number off the back . He will keep it as long as he needs to .

I will be back tommorow .. And the next day because my absence only meant that I didn't have to lie on here aswell as to everyone else .

ALAN 135 wrote:

At the begining where everything starts would be good ? :))

You sound as though this time your going to be far more proactive in stopping gambling , telling another person is never easy but opening up to them will give you an imense self pride back as will attending GA , again another pro active thing and that's what it's all about , doing things for yourself instead of waiting for them to magicly chang with no effort from yourself .

As soon as you give up for a month and none of your hard earned money goes to fund your gambling you can start getting caught up with the household bills , maybe look at joining a gym or if the moneys not available for that then just go for a long walk or a gentle jog to start with , even fitness videos work if you give them a chance , go and get your hair done as a treat for going the first month gamble free ? then you'll start feeling better about yourself again , gambling strips us of all our dignity and feelings of self worth , things won't change overnight but with a little effort small changes in your daily routine will add up to a completely different you .

When I came here 13 months ago I was in such a bad place , I'd run up a lot of debt , had nowhere to turn to and contemplated ending it all by googling painless ways to die ! , I opened up to my family and took steps to address my situation , I sorted my debt so it was managable and I came here everyday so I didn't forget the place I'd just come from and I haven't had a single bet since , life's so much better now , I sleep well and I have money left at the end of the week , I concentrate more on my kids live's and genuinly take an interest in what going on around me , it's not all been easy but it's so been worth it :))

I know exactly how your feeling right now but it can all be put right and life can become fun again , the only tghing you have to do is to want not to gamble more than you want your next bet .

You can do this , little steps and one day at a time is the way forward .

I've got faith in you , you just need a little in yourself .

Alan x

Thanks alan as usual sound advice who knows i might even see sense and actually hear what you are saying .

Emily82 wrote:

Hi Lesley

I am in exactly the same situation as you are right now. I have tried and failed so many times to quit. The weird dreams get me
too after a few days! 2 months ago I managed to get onto a site I had self excluded from. After losing 2k they unceremoniously threw me out of the site (obvs no offer to refund deposits). I too get palpitations now when I get into a site. It's not fun anymore so why do we do it? Something I'm really trying to work out 🙁

When I'm ready I find a way around any block. I actually think I go into zombie mode whilst playing. Just spinning over and over and OVER again. Swapping between auto play and spins just to try and magically trigger a winning spin. Actually noticed the other night for the first time I even apparently have crazy rituals and superstitions whilst gambling. I was smoking (lately I've been a chain smoker) and I realised I had the wrong ashtray - I did t even realise I had a lucky ashtray before I realised this was the 'wrong one'.... then there's the whole being ridiculously tight with money in general. Imagine, I spot a gorgeous pair of shoes in Zara for £50 - I'm like there's no way I'm paying that.. yet I'll stick 500 on a site without a second thought?! What gives?! I'll keep checking in on you. We can and will do this it's just a question of when. Everyone has a breaking point. How much more pain can you take. I know I'm at my limit 🙁

Hi Emily ..the hardest thing for me returning here is knowing someone else is feeling as bad as me ..i wouldn't wish what I feel right now upon my worst enimy ..I spent 7 hours last night spinning and pressing and swapping games ect..if spent my entire months wage in one night . I know what you meen about the shoes ..i really need a good pair of work shoes of seen a pair in clarks ВЈ 60.00 I lost that in 10 minutes. I'm left juggling now same old panic ..how am I going to pay the bills this month ..direct debits due n an empty account ain't going to pay them. Zombie is Wright I caught site of myself at 3.30 this morning and all I could think it what are you doing ??? I look stressed , tired a mess really .
Do me a favour don't feel like this please ..
I'm here to stay this time with good news or bad ..
Hopefully you will stick around too
I'll look out for you
Stay strong Emily x

Keep using every bit of support you can find Lesley ... it's too hard to do alone. Be kind to yourself and keep doing the next right thing,,, you'll get there:)

Cathyx

I was awake at 3am , cannot sleep.. worried about what is to come , I can't believe the mess I have made . Christmas is looming and I'm beggining to panic ..the kids want this n that . I can't let them down again . It's hard not to think of all the money I have waisted and I'm finding quite hard to think positively about what may be in store .. I'm not giving up . Once my nievety led me to believe this wasnt an addiction and I could stop just like that ..how wrong I was ..
Gambling is for me an escape I think it's a way of coping with the stress of my own life ,now though the stress is only growing. what can i do about the stress caused by my gambling .
One half of my brain is saying your defeated ,give up, go back to bed , just walk away from this life you have created the other half is saying get up and fix this , you have too much to loose .
I'm now looking at things differently this is an illness and I'm not going to get better if I don't do something about it .. NO LIES , just going to do it ..
Lies are part of the gambler in me I lie all the time about where I spent all my money I tell complete strangers lies. just one example; I told a lady at work my kids school shoes cost ВЈ 120.00 for three pairs, I said now I'm skint for the rest of the week .I think I'm trying to convince myself there other reasons I havnt bought this or done that or cannot afford the other ,when in truth the only reason I'm in a mess is because I gamble all my money away.

What will today bring ??
I'm ready for it but to be honest dreading the rest of the month.

CANNOT SLEEP
ARGGG

'Must have something on my mind ' few guesses ?
Its just not worth it / stress / worry / anxiety
My goal this month to get a decent night's sleep ..
Hope I have what it takes
Into day 3 and feeling positive .

I have been a bit non productive today ..money has dissapeared from my account ,all the debits iv made recently have cleared and my bank balence is ВЈ 2050.00 overdrawn that means no money at all until i clear it. Thing is I couldn't care less , I'm sure this nonchalant attitude will soon change once I need money to feed the kids , get to work ect..I have been here before, got through it before ..it's taken alot of effort though and I dont seem to have the energy ..feeling a little deflated
I don't think there is much I can do whilst in this state apart from hot the sack early

almost 1 week since I last gambled my new bank card arrived yesterday and the security number has been removed ..I only gamble using on line sites and I don't have any other means of payment . Not meant to be a cure just another , deterant ( can't hurt)
This mess I'm In can only get better , but it's not looking that way at the moment .
One more sleep and that's a week under my belt .
A day at a time is all I can manage because facing the debts full on is a little too much .

A week .. I would like to think that this is a triumph but the truth is I havnt been able to gamble ( no funds) I feel really bad today it was my sister's Birthday yesterday and I only got her a card .. if made some lame excuse about ordering her something that hasn't arrived yet .It's not a total lie I ordered her some pjs but couldn't pay for them until Friday when I had a few pounds in the bank . Sadly they won't be here in time for yesterday.. I have never missed her birthday before and I feel awful.Oh well im of to work now ever I cannot get in any more trouble .
My Mood is still low
I wont stop worrying until I know I can beat this ..not sure yet .

Emily82 wrote:

Hey Lesley

You're doing brilliantly! Try not to beat yourself up too much over your sisters birthday present! Next year you can make up for it as you'll be in the position to do so 🙂

I'm on 10 days and for me the emotional and mental torture is starting to fade. If you were consider how you felt on this morning 9 days ago I bet it was far worse than you're feeling this morning? This means things are improving and will only continue to do so. So your debts. The best thing for you to do is either borrow if you can (of family/ friends) so that you can consolidate and not pay interest. Work out exactly how much you'all be able to afford to pay them back on a weekly or monthly basis and stick to it because the last thing you want to do right now is burn the few bridges you may have left. Alternatively if this is not an option, call every single one of your creditors. Explain you are in financial hardship and set up payment plans or freeze your balance etc. It's daunting but once it's done you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you'll be able to breathe!

I noticed you said you had to cancel a holiday booked... I want to share something with you... 2 years ago I was booked to go away... 2 months before take off I had to pay the outstanding balance. I couldn't because I had gambled the lot. My entire family suffered at my expense and I felt awful. 2 months later I watched the news showing extremists armed with rifles shooting up the hotel we were supposed to be staying in! If I hadn't gambled, if I hadn't lost, me and my young children would have been there. At the time I didn't think of it like that but I found my booking info a week ago whilst tidying the house and remembered!

I know the losses are hard but there may be a reason you have them. You and your family are alive and have health.. that's more important than money. You weren't supposed to stop gambling until NOW! Try and see things like this and it may help you. I know it is me 🙂

Stay 1 day behind me Lesley! I'm with you all the way

Em x

Hi Emily
Thanks for taking the time to post ..
I'm struggling at the moment but the fog is starting to clear a little. How much do I need to put things right ???
The answer , more than ever now. I don't think I'll ever be able to like myself if I don't .
Half term has been pretty grim to be honest iv had no money to take the kids out , Iv done baking ,carving pumpkins , ect but I would have liked to have taken them out . If got to admit it's getting better I have no desire to gamble at the moment I seem to have developed a new hatred for the addiction .
I'm trying to keep busy cleaning , clearing out . I'm certainly more vigilant than I have been in the past I'm not taking any chances this time I asked my bank to limit my daily spending to £100.00, also I have scratched the security code off my new card so just incase get an urge . I set direct debits for all my bills all my other cards are now in the bin cut to shreds . Iv waisted too much of my time gambling , worrying about gambling , trying to get money to gamble , the sleepless nights ,the stress , it just isn't what I imagined my life would be, but for 5 years this is all my life has been ..Saying it out loud makes me angry now more than upset ..
I hope to hear from you again one step ahead .. xx