I HATE MYSELF

quick post
day 13 :

still skint
I wanted to gamble today but didn't bother when realised I ccouldn't use my debit card ..
still can't sleep ..
but I have not gambled x

I'm struggling today I have so much to do I just want to blow it all off and play the slots .. but I'm plodding on with the mundane tasks ..i might not be getting far as I cannot seem to motivate myself today but I'm not gambling.. oh well back to it .

Hi Lesley , Just keep pushing forward and plodding along . One day at a time is all we can manage some day's , the important thing is just to keep focused and ride out the urges as best we can , it'll pass and get better , just takes a bit of time some days :))

xx

Keep pushing les. ..
It's so worth it love....
I'm doing the domestic chores today....had to scrub bathroom ceiling....mould !
Can only put it down to 15 year old son spending 30 mins twice a day in the bleedy shower....the Windows always open so it's not down to lack of air....I reckon he shuts it when he's in there !
Anyway.....I've probs bleached my hair on the cheap....drips and all that !
Stay strong x

3 weeks done .. the rest of my life to go ..
Starting to like my my life a little ..got be a good sign ..off to work I go ..
I had a decent week in the end ..who'd of thought ?

28 days ..
money is at the forefront of my mind as the holidays approach , can't help but beat myself up over all the money I have waisted gambling .
The pressure of Christmas is hanging over my head like a very dark cloud .. what a mess I have made ..I keep telling myself .. if I get through this and keep it together then it will be an absolute miracle . I have told so many lies I am surly going to come a cropper. Christmas brings people together its not good if your trying to hide .
I actually have a bank balance, in the green, only just but I have caught up ..
Bills are up to date .. fridge has food in it
kids have new coats n shoes ..
I still don't feel like I'm winning ..
I suppose it's a feeling that will take time to get over.I have so much to make amends for .
I dare not look at the kids Christmas list .. how do you explain to a 6 year old 'he can't have' because mummy is a compulsive gambler who blew all her money on a spinning wheel ..
feelings are mixed today ..
Trying to stay one step ahead but always seem two or three behind ...

This is when I want to gamble the most .. just to escape or feel a high ..

L.M

28 days ..
money is at the forefront of my mind as the holidays approach , can't help but best myself up over all the money I have waisted the pressure of Christmas is hanging over my head like a very dark cloud .. what a mess I have made ..I keep asking myself .. if I get through this and keep it together then it will be an absolute miracle . If told so many lies I am surly going to come a cropper. Christmas brings people together not good if your trying to hide .
I actually have a bank balance in the green only just but I have caught up ..
Bills are up to date .. fridge has food in it
kids have new coats n shoes ..
I still don't feel like I'm winning ..
I suppose it's a feeling that will take time to get over as if so much to do to make amends for .
I dare not look at the Christmas list .. how do you explain to a 6 year old 'he can't have' because mummy is a compulsive gambler who blew all her money on a spinning wheel ..
feelings are mixed today ..
Trying to stay one step ahead but always seem two or three behind ...

This is when I want to gamble the most .. just to escape or feel a high ..

L.M

Hey Leslie...
Well done on those 28 days....
Just imagine how much worse you'd feel if you'd caved in to those urges....
Yes....Xmas approaching is defo a scarey time when fiances are in a pickle. .. the pressure to provide everything the kiddies desire is a dangerous time.....keep pushing those urges away hun. ...there only trying to lure you back with a promise of providing a lavish chrimbo.....all lies...
stay safe x

Bad day today .. so fed up kids need this n that and I'm still on catch up with the bills .. it's my daughter's birthday on Sunday and I'm skint .. not payday for another 3 weeks .. feeling the pressure at the moment and the urges seem to be getting stronger .. trouble is im not.
day 38 n still it feels like day 1
Looking forward to tommorow surly it can't be as bad as today ..

Hi Lesley , Those pressures always build when thing's get on top of us , kid's, bills none of it helps us feel any better but youv'e gione 38 day's without a bet and that's something to be hugely proud of yourself for , nothings going to change overnight , it's taken us all a fair while to get into the position we now find ourselves in and it'll take us a fair while to escape , imagine how bad you'd feel if you gave into temptation and woke up one morning in a worse place alltogether , chances are you'd probably have lost even more money and your self esteem would be even lower because you'd have to start at day one all over again .

Your doing fantasticly , don't be too harsh on yourself , cut yourself a little slack and realise what youve already achieved , a few deep breaths and a rant on here if need be is all that's required :)) .

Tommorows another day , hug's and best wishes

Alan

Hi hun so sorry to hear your struggling but you'd feel so much worse if you gambled and be in a even worse position financially. It will get better I believe that. Keep strong. Best wishes Lu x

I feel as if a whole chapter of my life is missing ..no longer am I obsessed with the money I have thrown away , all the things I have missed out on over the passed 5/6 years because of gambling are becoming clear. The more time I remain gamble free the more I realise what iv lost, not money , but me , time , and most importantly memories I could have made with my kids ..
They are growing up so fast and in a nutshell I have missed the last 5 years of there lives because of gambling ..I will never get all those years back .. I'm determined not to waist any more of my life on spinning a wheel ...xx
Its getting easier and I'm beginning to think I can do this now ..

Keep marching forward Lesley. You can do this. For me, watching the gamble free days rack up is very rewarding. I've got regrets too but they become easier to live with. All we got to do is stay gamble free and everything gets better.

It's begining to look alot like Christmas ..
Still managing to remain gamble free even amidst the Christmas mayhem . I'm working alot so it's made things a little easier ..feeling better on the whole ,but am bogged down with mundane things to do its hard to be happy with my progress .. Christmas seems like very hard work at the moment and I'm looking forward to getting it out of the way to be honest .. too much pressure on just me . The gambling would have made things a lot worse .
58 days n still I won't allow myself to pat myself on the back ..
maybe in time I will learn to forgive myself n maybe then even start to like the person I am.

A little tempted right now ..I would love to blow off a wee bit of steam at the moment .. Im trying to take my mind of wanting to play the slots .So here I am ..Im tired ,grumpy and a little fed up with all that comes with Christmas . 14 days straight at work and today I walent shopping for presents , what a long day . Going to chill out because only one thing could make this day worse and that's loosing what little money i have left from my wage.