I HATE MYSELF

Had enough .. not strong enough yet again iv given into temptation ..boardom , stress .. what's wrong with me ..I'm gutted
last night I was allowed to open an account with a form I was excluded from ..it was too easy I used same name and bank account but still managed it ..
back to square one ..I'm gutted
What an idiot ..why did I test it ..
W.H ..you should be more wary of the cg ..

Sorry to hear it. Presumably you've seen other posts to the effect that excluded CGs can still be allowed to deposit but never to claim what they've "won" (I use that term very loosely).

It seems to me that if the barriers were up and you were systematically straining at them until you found the inevitable loophole, not much has changed. The change can only come from you, for you. It's not about the debt, it's about what the act of placing a bet gives you and why you're addicted to doing it. What are you trying to medicate when you bet? Stress, boredom and loneliness don't help but they can be alleviated without gambling, none of them are the direct cause. The counselling is getting there but you said yourself that it's uncomfortable, of course it is, I've also staggered out of counselling sessions in a bad way. Meetings can be difficult but if you learn from them, it's worth it. No pain, no gain - it's not pain just for the sake of it, there's a purpose. Stick with the counselling and the digging, Lesley, because gambling isn't the answer.

BW,

CW

forgive me if I don't post for a few days I'm so upset I feel sick .. same feelings, same me , I'm not different because I havnt gambled for 40 days I'm the same shameless person I was . I didn't want to gamble I was sat home watching a cartoon with my son. Why I tried I don't know why , but I attempted to register an online account at W.H to my surprise I was allowed to create an account .The rest is history losses and wins for about 3 hours then all of a sudden my account was closed by the risk assessment team ..I self excluded myself almost 4 years ago from this site I didn't Change much just my email adress and heyho I'm back to square 1 . Funny thing is I'm usually happy when I can get on to a site that allows me to play this time I wasn't ,from the moment the screen said welcome I felt fear n dread .
Why would my mind allow me to do something I do not enjoy anymore ??
still gutted but I'm not giving up I'm just going to have to fight harder .
gutted

Cynical wife wrote:

Sorry to hear it. Presumably you've seen other posts to the effect that excluded CGs can still be allowed to deposit but never to claim what they've "won" (I use that term very loosely).

It seems to me that if the barriers were up and you were systematically straining at them until you found the inevitable loophole, not much has changed. The change can only come from you, for you. It's not about the debt, it's about what the act of placing a bet gives you and why you're addicted to doing it. What are you trying to medicate when you bet? Stress, boredom and loneliness don't help but they can be alleviated without gambling, none of them are the direct cause. The counselling is getting there but you said yourself that it's uncomfortable, of course it is, I've also staggered out of counselling sessions in a bad way. Meetings can be difficult but if you learn from them, it's worth it. No pain, no gain - it's not pain just for the sake of it, there's a purpose. Stick with the counselling and the digging, Lesley, because gambling isn't the answer.

BW,

CW

CW

I Thought I was strong enough this time.. it really is the most upset with myself I have ever been .. It took one little phrase to get me to day 40 and it was something you posted to another c.g, you couldn't understand why anyone chose gambling over hugs and cuddles from there kids ( I can't remember your exact words ) but I wrote this down on a piece of paper and kept as a reminder of what I was missing . let's face it.. it's me that's the problem ,my life , I'm depressed , stressed and lonely and I need to do something about it .

Hi lesley Relapses are common with any addiction. And I'm sure you wouldn't find anyone on the site that hasn't had at least one at some point. Blocks and software like k9 are great peace of mind. But that's all there good for. What you need is to hand over the financial control and I mean all of it no cards or cash. Without cash you can find as many sites as you like but you won't be able to use them as there not known for just giving money away.
Depressed stressed and lonely all caused by gambling. So continue to gamble they just get amplified until you reach breaking point
Gambling addiction likes to pretend it's your best freind and only it will bring you out of the rut your in. But if you had throat cancer would you continue to smoke thinking it will cure it? Its just making it worse
Now you need to get your guard up because now is when you will tell yourself well my days have gone now I'm not ready to start again. Maybe next week
Next week never comes
You can arrest gambling addiction many people on this forum have. Give it your all

So day 1 begins. . no way is this going to get the better of me . Yesterday I felt like giving up ..I burried my head under my duvet and felt totally sorry for my self ..I missed my counciling session and was feeling utterly ashamed, and defeated . Today will have to be different. I'm up and out of bed and a putting yesterday behind me .. a good clean up is on the cards im going to attempt to sort out some of the jobs that cause me stress.

Hi Lesley,

Sorry i didn't see your posts of the last few days... what happened girl? Urges comes and goes and honestly i have lost count how many times i have gave in to them. I took them as a learning curve and believe me it helps. The longer distance you put between yourself and this vice, the more clearly you will start to see.
Hiding from the world is something i do also. What it does is actually makes you feel even worse. I'm so glad you're up and looking forward for your new day! That's exactly what it is - new day ☺. Do make it a kind and calm day for yourself and others around you. Yes blip happened, you can't change it and the torture you are putting yourself through is really not gonna help. Dust yourself down, start again!
Did you think of any hobbies? Do you have someone to talk to and go for a cuppa with?..all these little things can make a huge difference in the way you feel.

Don't give up fighting. You are worth so much more than just pain and agony you inflict on yourself. Smile, be kind to you, look after you.

Stay safe, just for today & keep posting if you feel like it. There is always someone here during the day or night, we understand...we are the same ☺

Hugs & strength to you! Kick off the day with a positive mindset & let us know how you feel at the end of today.

S x

Morning Lesley, I'm glad to see you up and out of bed today 🙂

Listen, it's tough going at times. There are few people on here who just stop and stay stopped (I'm not one of them). You fell off the horse, but you're back in the saddle again now. It's natural to feel down after a lapse but beating yourself up doesn't help. What might help is looking at what could have triggered it...what were your thoughts...how were you feeling? There could be little signs that something was building. For example, if I find myself pausing the TV on adverts for casinos a big warning siren goes off in my head now. Loneliness, stress, boredom are all triggers for me. It's great that you're asking yourself the why question. As you continue to work with your counsellor you'll be able to answer that question and it'll help you on the road to freedom. Force yourself to go to the sessions even when youre not feeling like it...the times that you least want to go are probably the times when you most need it. Come on here and vent your feelings if you're having a difficult time. I've had many a rant on my diary!! And it helps, because getting those feelings out in the open and out of your head eases the pressure.

The key to a lapse is learning the lesson it can teach you.

Keep on keeping on. LifeBegins x

How are you?

CW

Hi I'm sat in the garden in the rain listening to it dropping on the gazebo it's quite peaceful .. Yesterday was my 11 year olds prom she looked stunning , 'little madam she may be' but she is so beautiful .. I walked to the venue with her as it was up the road , all the time thinking I'm failing her not only by gambling but because I have become a recluse I don't want to go out and make freinds I find it hard at the moment .. iv let my self go and I need to get back on track with beating this ... All the mums stayed behind and had a drink and a boogie with the kids I didn't I felt like an embarrassment. I have rearranged my counciling session and am beginning to put things right ..xx

I'm strugling to make ends at the moment ,it's a week unit payday ..just getting on with what I have to do ..work ..shopping, ironing nothing much happening not much fun and
No Gambling either .xx
Xx

I'm strugling to make ends at the moment ,it's a week unit payday ..just getting on with what I have to do ..work ..shopping, ironing nothing much happening not much fun and
No Gambling either .xx
Xx

Lesley, keep posting regularly, you need all the tools you can get. No news is good news but there's a way of not making money that can be seductive when you're short. It's a false whisper.

Stay safe,

CW

Hi everyone, I'm still here and managing to hang in there .
I'm managing to stay gamble free .. I am going to continue with the counciling sessions and have my next one on Wednesday ..I'm trying my best to keep the kids busy, one week over , 6 to go (im not counting or anything) it's very costly and I really cannot afford to gamble ...
I will keep posting I just needed a break from everything gambling related ,clear my head and not think for a while .. Iv reached day 19, wow that went fast ..
Thanks for all your support everyone I have a feeling I will be here for a while ..xx

How are you?