I HATE MYSELF

Day one will begin now .. a little too late as I have done what I'm on here for already today ...I really am addicted to gambling ... I cannot control myself or my gambling I spend until I cannot spend anymore ..
This time I'm here to stop ...
This time I mean it ... I betting most people have heard this before , if your like me you will have said it to yourself 1000 times ...
Will this time be any different ?
It has to be ...I'm digging a hole I and pretty soon I will not get out ..

My post tommorow night will hopefully say I havnt gambled today

triangle wrote:

Been a while Lesley. Solutions appear to be easy for some but for others this addiction can be life and death. Why not give Gamcare a ring a explore some options?

I have recently been in touch and have just begun one to one councilling upon gamcares recommendations. .. I started last week and my next session is weds ...

Am I trying to mess my life up on purpose if so do I have to take my family along for the ride ... Am I trying to get myself into a total mess for attention ...I have no excuses why I gamble but there must be a reason ..I can't for the life of me think why I do such a stupid thing ..

Hi Lesley,

Really striking posts and got me really worried about you. Hope you can find a little peace this evening, take deep breaths and try to have an early night.
Tommorow is another day and you definitely can come bk on here and say "i didn't gamble today"..you and only you can do it..unfortunately willpower is not enough. I am glad to read you have arranged some counselling with GC. the sessions i had in the past truly helped and i discovered so many things about myself i never thought is possible..i have run from many many things in my life, every time sinking deeper in addictions and living in denial.
Counselling puts different perspective on things. You slowly start to understand your own behaviour to situations or how you're dealing with problems...also it helps to start building the bridge again..the way forward is here..just we need to build it one brick at a time so it's safe & secure 🙂

Can you also put blocking software on ur devices? K9 is for free,it can help you when urges strikes...every little helps huh.

Please do not isolate. The more you talk about your problem, the more solutions to come over it will arise...you are not alone, that's for sure.

These first few days will be very hard, ...keep pushing through them minute at a time. Come on here and post, ring GC, talk to a friend..just ride it out.
It will get easier in time. Nothing changes overnight and I'm sure you can do anything if you set your mind and heart to it. All will be ok, please do not lose the hope ☺

One day at a time...be kind to yourself

Sandra

Hi, Lesley,

You're doing the addict thing of saying you want to stop but letting the addiction talk you out of doing what it takes to stop. Mr Gamble is a false friend, abusive, re-read over your whole thread. What you need is real life friends or your family, tell a human being that you can trust and ask for their help. They can't do recovery for you but real life help makes it so much easier to overcome the addiction.

Internet providers provide parental blockers - use them. Get your real life friend to set the password or if it must be DIY, cut and paste a random set of letters and numbers, Shorty has advice on her thread on how to do it.

Do you really need a smartphone and tablet? Or is Mr Gamble whispering sweet nothings into your ear? They're hard to block, better with a non internet mobile and a desktop or laptop that is properly blocked.

The other aspect of the triangle is money. Change your banking arrangements so that your Visa card isn't readily available to deposit. Mr Gamble may well tell you that it would be too embarrassing but better that than your current situation.

The triangle is the starting point. Vital is real life support, counselling is a start - see it through - but also try GA. Mr Gamble may well give you a long and extensive list of reasons against the idea but if you want to give up, it's a great tool.

At the end of the day, though, recovery means you doing recovery for you, instead of you choosing to gamble.

If YOU don't do recovery for you, who will?

BW,

CW

I'm familiar with some of your posts CW I have read most of them .. A great deal of what you post has has a really profound effect on me .I really have no excuses when it comes gambling I cannot fathom out why .. what is the reason ... What possible reason could I have that would allow me to gamble away my kids holiday ..or their new shoes,day out or coat ..What reason could possibly warrant me preferring to sit and play with Mr Gamble than with my own children, focused on some flashing light or spinning wheel while my little boy craves my attention ..To be honest I don't want to find a reason or an excuse I just want to stop ...I have just cancelled my internet data allowence ..I have already rid myself of my laptop. I have contacted my internet provider and restricted all gambling sites .. I'm banned already from almost every site including Euro ones .. My next step is to tell my best friend.. I'm meeting her on wednesday I'm going to ask her to scratch of the security number on the back of my new debit card it is unopened in my drawer at the moment... I have set myself up to beat this .I have to. I sold my house recently , to say the least was a very stressfull time in my life ..problems with my ex partner and money made it worse .. but I got through it and the house was sold.Me and the kids have moved into a new home , this should have been a fresh start for us ..the money from the house was enough to make us comfy ..buy carpets , curtains and so on ..Needless to say I didn't buy carpets ..I havnt exactly made things easy for us .. I will have to buy these things now when I can afford them ... that day will never come if I continue on the same path I have been on .. I find myself telling lies about where the money went ... to people I don't even know ..people who I come into contact with at work. I am very tired and cannot do this anymore iv got to give myself a chance to enjoy the just a day then maybe a week and so on ..
I set in floods of tears after reading one of your posts ...
your no nonsense no sympathy approach is a breath of fresh air ...interpreted on a personal level by me to mean
GET A GRIP

Hi Lesley, I think I last spoke with you in Oct of last year and I'm sorry to hear your still struggling to stop .

I'm going to chip in with my 2 penneth if that's ok ? . I still really feel that you won't stop until you accept the losses , I might be wrong but I really beleive this is what's holding you back , clinging to the hope that you will win one massive payout which will make everything right again ? . Forgive me if I'm wrong but it just seems that way , youv'e put blocks in place and done what you can but there's a little voice saying just another spin will make it all good , I sat with those feelings for a long time , trying to convince myself that I could turn things around and write all my debts off with just one big payout , but it wasn't until I actually sat and thought about what I was up against and how little chance I had of making that a reality that I began to accept , any form of gambling is so totally stacked in favour of the sites , or bookies , or machines that we simply cannot win , it's a business and all about the percentages which are never in our favour and get less and less the longer we play , perfect for the companies that take our money . Compare it with something in life , such as an fully tuned up athlete and somebody who doesn't exercise at all running a 100 mtr race , you wont win ! . Once I accepted that I was betting against a machine that was programmed to beat me just by paying out a fraction of what I put in , that was my eureka moment ! I'm not playing against something thats equally matched with me , I'd toss a coin all day long simply because there's a 50/ 50 chance of winning but you come up against one of these machines and you have no chance at all ! . Human nature dictates a lot of what we do , one of those traits is competiveness , we don't like losing or being beat which stems back to our survival instincts , we really don't like it at all when a machine beats us and go back time and again to do battle and get our revenge or reward , which is what our addiction wants and needs .

9 months ago I stopped trying to beat a machine , i realised how futile it had become and how all the time I wanted to do battle with it I just remained in the gambling loop , at that moment I accepted what I'd lost over the years had gone forever and wasn't coming back , sure it hurt a lot but it allowed me to leave gambling behind for good , simply because it took away the one thing that gambling kept me going back for time and again " Revenge " .

You can do this Lesley, you just need the right reason " We cannot win because we cannot stop "

Best wishes for your recovery .....................Alan x

Alan
about that moment ..Your right I'm never going to win ..I'm actually tired of trying to ..I wonder if I have had that moment ..I got board of playing I was fed up of trying to win and wished my money would dissapear from my balance so I could stop ... I am hoping that yesterday I had that moment . 24 hours ago I felt a little worse than I do now .. I still feel down but this time in taking this addiction seriously ..I'm not going to win ..I used to buy lotto n scratch cards I don't anymore ... because I simply don't believe I can win ...I got sick of waisting my money ... I think you are right about thinking I can win all my money back ..I only think that while I'm gambling ...after I know the moneys gone for good ...
I think it's the thrill of winning that and habit ..I know this may sound silly but I wanted to be able to control myself ,to win and walk away with the money but I can't and I don't ..
Thanks Alan

Hi again Lesley , It's what brings us here " The Buzz " the moneys just gambling tokens to keep feeding our addiction and nothing more , they have no value in our " normal lives " anymore until that is we have no more to use ! and that's when we beg steal and usually borrow to keep funding our addiction , it's just about breaking the cycle , the same routine day in and day out and the thing weve done for many years , it's great to see you realise this and also what you need to do in order to stop , as I said , just accept it's over and move on , then when you get some distancebetween you and your last bet , things will get much , much better .

Keep winning every day you choose to say no , you'll do it I'm sure !!

Just take it one day at a time and " Little steps "

Have a good evening !

Lesley

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned you cover up what you are spending your money on and that is the big downfall of gambling - having to lie and keep secrets. Having read your heartbreaking posts it seems that you have trying to tackle this all on your own, and I know for a fact that the person I have helped tried that and it really did not work. When they finally opened up to the family and friends the problem was out in the open and actions were quickly put into place to help. If you are trying to see to your kids and trying to sort out your finances and this gambling problem you will find yourself hitting your head against a brick wall beacuse you are exhausted and you are not giving yourself the space or time to get your head clear to sort things. I hope you do meet your best friend and talk to her about this and maybe she can get involved with helping you manage your finances. It is a good idea to come on here and talk to the counsellors and take in the advice people are giving you. Some of us are parents of gamblers, I am a parent myself, and others have the same problem as you - so already by talking on here now you are forming another support network. But it is also important to have face-to-face support for so you can get practical help at home. I am sorry to sound a bit blunt but I have seen what a gambling habit can do to families and I really do not want to see that happen or get any worse for you now. I think you sound intelligent and talented with your artwork and you know deep down what you have to do, but I also know that is easier said than done when you are trying to tackle this on your own.

Sorry to go on a bit - but I get very upset when I read the posts on here and I feel that the actions we took as parents seem to be working and hopefully I pass on advice that might be helpful. I am sure that a lot of parents who write on here want to stress that we want to help and not ctiticise your kids for developing these problems.

Good luck Lesley

It hard, I know it's hard. To be honest if I didn't have a partner like I have I think I would be still going. Have u spoken with your friend yet? Does anyone know about your gambling? Stay strong it's not an easy battle x

I havn,t logged on any site today wednesday is my day off .. Even if I have no money I try to and there are ways to do it with even nothing in the bank especially if you have PayPal ..
I have a councilling session today it's making me feel sick . I know people say I need help from family & freinds but I have asked them in the past and they simply were not very much help ..it's going to be very difficult but I'm going to have to do this alone .. my dad doesn't have a lot to do with me he left my mum when I was 10 and we don't really have much contact ..my mum half heartedly helped me but was little help in the long run .. she has enough on her plate as my step dad has cancer and going through chemotherapy ... my sister is very unsympathetic to all things gambling related as she works for a massive bookmakers .. I'm actually her bread n butter ... that's my family. I have no more apart from my kids ...I'm used to doing things alone I used to be able to rely on myself ... My mum has always tried tried to help me, bailed me out of many a sticky situation but she soon grows tired of me , I think although it going to be hard I need to do this by myself ... I shared my secret with my freind today she didn't really know what to say .. I affraid she didnt take the situation v seriously ...
I havnt even had the urge to gamble since ,I think I have developed a new kind of hatred for the so called gambler in me ...
..
I will see how councilling goes. ,don't know what to expect.

Hi Lesley , well you still have us lot, if that helps a bit ?

Keep doing what you can , one day at a time and good luck with the councilling , I hope it helps !

Best wishes ....Alan

Hi, Lesley,

The alone bit isn't ideal, it gives Mr Gamble more to work with. And he's only too happy to tell you that no one else can help.

Would communication improve things? Spelling out to your circle what will help (taking over the finances) and what won't help (bailouts). That the addiction is serious.

Otherwise, some inconvenience? Ditch the PayPal, ditch the Visa, set up DDs to move what you can out of your current account to pay outgoings as soon as possible after payday and surplus into instant saver with low limit.

These are short term measures. Long term, it's back to the counselling and or GA.

Hope things get easier.

CW

Hi Lesley...I'm sorry to read you didn't feel your friend was much help....maybe in a day or so...when the dust has settled that will change...it may have been a shock for her/him...and they will think about it and get back to you ....I hope so...also like Alan says....you've got here...not 100% ideal...but better than nothing...and at least we all understand each other...also love cw offered good tips to put in place....and a massive well done on not doing the usual on your day off...that's posative...keep this place close to you...someone's always here xx