I HATE MYSELF

I'm used to doing things by my self ..I think I need to do this for myself . My mum is my rock she's always there when I need her but I'm not going to burden her again when she has so much on her plate ... I had a positive councilling session today , just telling someone what I have been doing was hard , I have always had difficulties talking about my problems and always try to make light of a situation ,I think that's why my freind didn't take me seriously .. However I couldn't fool the councellor ..we talked about a lot ..none of which seemed to be about gambling ..I felt a little drained after and have to say it was way out of my comfort zone ... ..I know I will stop gambling and I suppose it's an important step that I'm now taking this addiction seriously ..I have contacted the bank and have asked the to refuse any online transactions apart from which are requested by phone ... for example Netflix and my son's PlayStation subcription are now paid for by direct debit ...if I need to purchase anything online I will have to get the payment authorized. .I had a lady go over my statement for the last month .. she wanted to discuss my overdraft and why I was going over all the time ..I nearly broke down in tears when she told me in the last month I had spent nearly £900 on gaming sites .. when you see it in black and white it becomes a little too real .. I left feeling ashamed ..and embarrassed.I'm sure I can do more to beat this and will keep trying ...Today was a tester for me it's my day of work and despite feeling the urge this evening I have resisted ...
The best deterrant I have found this far is simply switching my phone off. Sounds silly but the message tone and email ping meant I was picking up the phone all day long ..I placed it upstairs and turned it off ..Iv just picked it up ..
Day 3 of no gambling

Hi Lesley as much as I would suggest having someone along for the ride , you do seem strong and commited to beating this addiction , which is great to read , I'm glad your councilling session went well even if a little uncomfortable at times , we have to open up and explore those feelings that have been locked away for so long and come to terms about who we are . It's always an eye opener when we sdee the financial damage we cause ourselves in black and white but it will get better I promise ,

When I stopped it really didn't take too long to see changes happening , just as it will for you , time to pick your head up and be proud that youv'e now chosen to take back control of your life , were all here for support so your not alone with this .

Talk to you soon and best wishes Alan

Hi Lesley, I get the draining feeling after you counselling I had the same feeling after pouring my heart out at my first GA meeting. The next day I woke up feeling like a huge wait had been lifted of me.

Maybe your friend didn't get as you wasn't as open as you was with your counsellor.

Stay close to this forum it looks like it will be good for you.

KTF

I have money in the bank .. I'm confident that it will stay where it is .. This is the real tester, up until today I havnt been able to gamble because iv had no funds . I have the day off today so have planned to keep myself as busy as possible . I'm already feeling the urge to play the slots .. this is just going to be a short post as I'm going to turn my phone off ... and put it out of site ... ..I have an hour before I wake the kids for school n this is the perfect time to slip up ... Iv been awake since 4am, I'm pretty sure my brain is programmed to know when I can gamble ..

I cannot gamble today ..
I so much at stake now ..

I so hope you can get through the day gamble free...remove the money from your account asap. ..tell those urges to "jog on"
You wont win....you will be sat here crying at your losses before the kids get home....imagine how much better...prouder...and happy you will feel when your kids come back from school and you can look them in the eye and think...mummy didn't gamble today !. ..I hope the days a good one....stay strong...x

All I have to say is I messed up yet again all my words and effort failed I didn't even manage a week . I didn't go the whole 9 yards like I normally do I banned myself before I went broke .. but still I gambled , I am so ashamed .. I am my own worst enemy ..I'm so never going to win at anything even beating this .I'm gutted that I'm so week ,it's pathetic and so am I .. what is wrong with me ..I did feel like letting this slide and lieing, even on here but what's the point ..? Has it all been lies ..I dont think i can tell anymore . I used the new card to buy online groceries ... I didn't get the number scratched off
I thought I would be safe ...
I thought wrong
Back to square one ...
Sorry everyone I feel in some way all your advice has fallen on dead ears ... don't give up on me yet this site is all I have at the moment

Hi Lesley,

Ok you messed up but what you did was come back here and you admitted you messed up...that takes guts! You are not the first person to make a mistake and you won't be the last, this does not make you weak nor pathetic!

Do you have proper blocks in place? Get some software on your computer that blocks the sites, I don't know if you can block sites from a phone but if not then have a phone that you can't use internet on.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off, do not give up on yourself, you can do this!

I cannot give up on myself I'm all of got . Unfortunately I'm also all my kids have ... What did that do to deserve this ... snappy .. sad n absolutely no good ..
I have beautiful kids that don't deserve this

Take our lead, we won't give up on you so don't you dare give up on yourself!

Well done for realising what you were doing but be prepared that opening doors keeps them moving freely so you need to do everything you can to ensure this one is slammed tight now, be that blocking software/another new card/ditching the Internet.

You need to be kind to you! Recovery is hard for the most hardy of us so for someone who is as down on themselves as you are @ the moment, you need to work on lots of things & one is finding a peace within you! You are not a terrible person, like most of us here, you are an addict who makes dumb decisions & ain't none of us perfect! Kids don't lie about love...They love you warts & all so let them say it & show you because you can't buy love!

As soon as you accept that thinking you can do things differently (this time) on willpower alone is dangerous, you will figure this out!

You need actions not words to make recovery yours! Keep fighting - ODAAT

Hi Lesley
Good to have a talk tonight in the chat room.
We've both messed up today so please don't feel you are on your own.
Part of the difficulty is these blasted slots have put us through terrible debt problems and the difficult part is learning to live and survive on less money every single month..
You sound like a totally devoted Mum to your kids and it must be so hard for you to want more for them.
Let's try and get through the next few days in a positive way and I know it's difficult because I too am having to make phone calls to the mortgage, gas/Elec debt management etc to juggle again. It absolutely gets on my nerves but I have decided next month I will be so much better living on less than living this nightmare again .
Keep in touch Lesley and please don't give in to this vile obsession we have, there really are better things to do out there than live like a zombie which I feel like today.
Best wishes
Rosie x

No way am I giving up ..It's hard when you don't like what you see in the mirror ..How though can you like what you see when all you see is a liar , and gambler and despite being a cg I have to try like my self now because until I do, I think the cycle will continue .. Do what you are thinking ...take your son to cubs .. book a holiday , even try the girlie shopping trip with my daughter maybe then I might start to like myself . Enough is Enough just get it done and move on ..

Hi Lesley

It's hard. You have to break the opportunity to gamble and any way you can make it hard for yourself. Take your sim out and throw your phone away or bin the laptop if necessary. It will be worth it in the long run. Going forward try to think about why you're doing it. Are you bored? Depressed? Lonely? Constantly thinking about money? It's worth investigating. Counselling can help and there are lots of great people here who will support you. We all know those feelings of self-hate but time is a great healer and however bad things are now, they can and will get better. Don't give up, you have friends.

Hi Lesley and Rosie,

Keep strong girls. Slips happens in this journey of recovery..self beating and self worthless feeling is something what addiction thrives on! Don't let it, you both are better than it and can make that change for the better.

Lesley, i think ODAAT mentioned already, but your kids loves you unconditionally..don't think otherwise. You're an amazing Mum, you just hurt inside and lost your way a little. Please look for help, grow stronger with each and every day and look at your beautiful kids with the most biggest pride/peace/love. I know you do, but you being broken is making it a lot harder to deliver.

Please be kind to you, there is a way out, it truly is....but change is inevitable!

Just for today dear soldier..just for today - keep up the fight!...you are not on ur own...never have to be - please reach out!
Besides....we are never giving up on people here ☺...this should be the least of ur worry !!! ((((hugs))))

S

I'm working today so quite confident that I will not give in ..the weather is rubbish so might have been stuck at home . I'm not feeling as confident she to my slip up at the end of last week ..I don't know where I stand with reguards to money until dds go out after the holiday ... I have a feeling things might be bad ..
I need to get in the right frame of mind ...I spent yesterday sanding down an old pine chest of drawers . Im going to paint it up its looking good so far.. I'm really pleased how it's turning out I cant wait to see the end result..
Hope to stay gamble free today
I didn't gamble yesterday

Lesley,

Having read the last ten posts, I can see a lot of beating yourself up, support and sympathy from others - but absolutely nothing from you about change.

When you next get the irresistible urge to gamble, what will stop you acting on it?

What efforts are you making to get the real life support that you need? Would you get a babysitter so that you can attend GA, sounds daunting but so is permanent gambling? Tell your mother you need her help (not bailouts)?

re the kids, yes they do love you but your gambling is threatening their stability. When my husband and I had our first meeting with the Therapist, the topic of parenting came up. Ok, my husband's example at that point wasn't great but the Therapist encouraged us to think how the kids will respect and admire him for overcoming the adversity of a gambling addiction, what a great example to them his recovery will be.

No, you're not a terrible person, addiction doesn't discriminate in its victims, it's hard, but you can focus the self control in the right direction. Use it to close loopholes, to set up barriers and to get RL support. Don't use it to fight off an urge.

At the end of the day, it's down to you to change things for you. Your actions will do that. Not your words.

Hope you go for it, wish you well.

CW