I HATE MYSELF

I know I need more barriers .. I'm am kiddng myself if I think I can beat this alone, I know this ..I have one other person I can talk to about this and iv decided to as soon as I can . I have told my mum before I think she knows I still gamble but she doesn't talk about it because, and it pains me to say it but she cannot be bothered with it at the moment ... She really wasn't much help previously I gave up all my cards n money to her but it was a little too much effort on her part with my dad I'll ...I am not coping out. I know I can beat this i have ordered a new card again this time I will get my oldest son to scratch the numbers off he won't need to know why ...also yesterday morning I did something i have wanted to do for a long time and booked a holiday abroad ..I had enough money to pay the deposit ..so although it is a year away I will have to pay it of each month, it gives me something to look forward to and something much more important to spend my money on . I absolutely adore my kids but they are not babies anymore and I miss them, I feel a little redundant they don't want to spend there time with me they have their own lives ..my oldest son is 17 , and my daughter is 12 they have for most of there lives enjoyed a mum who didn't gamble ... My youngest son is only 5 hes just a baby , his dad and I have joint care of him and he spends half his time with me and the other with his dad .. I guess I'm alone and board a little too often I need to beat this and find me again..words are not enough your right CW .. actions speak louder

..My kids are my weakest link or (maybe strongest depending on how you look at it ) Any thought that this could be affecting them is my biggest d eterant . I used to only gamble when they wernt home but there have been times when they have been present

list of things I have done :
excluded myself from every site Iv ever been on ..

Set up counciling with gambling experts through gamcare

I have taken on more hours at work (when I work I never feel the urge to gamble)

Got basic phone only WiFi

limited my WiFi to block gambling sites

given away my laptop

I tried to find a site today that would let me register ..but my efforts were blocked and I gave up

I have added k9 to my phone don't know how much use it was as there are so many restrictions now it's hard to know which worked .. I have also uninstalled Facebook .
too many gambling ads ...

I once tried to re-activate my account with a certain site I favoured but after I requested to re-open my account I had to wait to be contacted by the gambling comission who refused to do so as my file showed adictive behaiour ..I really didn't like hearing that ...

I don't wake up everyday thinking of gambling ...I don't want to gamble 24 / 7
with me it's a moment in a day or a month sometimes where it's all I want to do ..it's like binge drinking I cause a lot of damage all at once ...

I didn't gamble yesterday
It's looking good for today

Go for it Lesley.

CW

Well done Lesley. Nice honest share. Tri x

Lesley

If you were my daughter I would be so proud of the effort you are making to sort your problems out despite having limited support at home. Also glad to see you are making lists of what you need to do. It is important to do that as it can make you start to feel more organised and in control. I also think writing is a great therapy which is why this site is such a good place to come to. My family member has done all the things you have listed and also allowed us to see and track what they are spending and that seems to be working at the moment.

Good luck.

I found out the blockers don't work on my phone I still managed to find a site to log on to .. I excluded myself before I had a chance to make another mistake ..It was hard but no deposit was made , one thing is for sure more blockers on my phone are needed ..So I'm just trying to install K9 for android ..
I didn't gamble yesterday
Will today be a good day too ?

Blockers on phones are pretty dubious, K9 is fine for desktops but blocks little else. Use parental controls, no android or get proper IT advice.

CW

K9 is pretty useless on phones ..no point ..I have cancelled my internet data on my phone ..my WiFi does not allow most gambling sites but some slip through the net ... Iv been keeping myself pretty busy ..In just a week of not gambling my mood is changing .. Its a much better place to be ..I am getting a lot out of the counciling sessions and am feeling possative about kicking this habit (I never have before) ..I didn't gamble yesterday
I will not be doing so today.

Hi Lesley , Glad your feeling more positive and that will keep on coming the longer you go gamble free , even after a week the fog lifts and your mind clears a little , keep doing what works for you , one day at a time .

I'm proud to walk alongside you and you should be very proud of the changes your making !

Take care for now ......................Alan

Thanks Alan ..not counting my chickens or anything I know how easy it is to back at square one ... One day at a time .
Lesley

Cynical wife wrote:

Blockers on phones are pretty dubious, K9 is fine for desktops but blocks little else. Use parental controls, no android or get proper IT advice.

CW

Although on the positive column it is free and you tend to pay for what you get but its worth having it on rather than not especially if the user is unaware of the password. Ask a friend to put it on for you.

After blocking any gambling site through my internet provider im finding it very difficult to get on any site ..I have however managed to get on a few bingo sites which have slots to play ...I didn't know but you can also use key words as blockers for example ..bingo , casino , ect..
It's been my best move yet ..
Also i have changed my phone contract and it no longer includes internet data so I only have wifi on my phone .
It doesn't stop me wanting to gamble but it has stopped me from being able to , 25 mins i tried but failed to get on a site ..
I doubt I'll give up but for now it's working ...

Hi Lesley, I have the blocks in place and I'm sure they can be got around but I'm happy they are there and from day one I trusted they worked and have never tried to beat them. Don't keep trying eventually you will find one and end up depositing and well we all know where that will take us. The blocks are there to buy us time which upto now has worked for you but as CW says if you keep going to wet place eventually you will get wet or the other one is if you keep hanging around a barbers maybe hairdressers in your case eventually you will get a haircut. Keep strong but stop testing your boundaries.

KTF

Reached day 9 .. and today I'm board ..I'm trying to keep busy I have so much to do it's overwhelming. .. I am on here to remind myself why I need to stop ..I could really do with something to take my mind of my mundane life ..the kids are at a music festival with there dad so I have the house to myself .. fighting the urge to at the moment .. I'm going to take myself for a walk ..
I didn't gamble yesterday ..
If I gamble today I will be gutted ..
Trying to stay strong

Are there any more barriers that you could put up and have you arranged counselling or looked into meetings?

Enjoy your walk.

CW

Hi CW .. there will always be more barriers. I don't think I can ever do enough ..some part of beating this will be down to me .. I have my 3rd councilling session on Wednesday ..It's going o.k working on why and what sets me of on a gambling spree ..I have been to one meeting that was very poorly managed so looking to join in another area ..
I have my walking shoes on ..
At least the sun is shining ..