The Butterfly Effect

I'm still here, and very pleased to say that I've just marked day 50 GF on my tracking spreadsheet. Yay. I've completed stints of being gambling free for 5-6 months before, but I have not done so without urges throughout. This time is very different and I have (very thankfully) had very few urges. One urge early on and one fleeting thought that I batted down very quickly. The reason that I have not being having these thoughts is that I have remained focussed on recovery every single day. It doesn't look exactly the same everyday, and sometimes I need to prioritise work and other commitments within my time. But every single day I make sure I am actively thinking and taking actions, which could be big or small, to keep my recovery trajectory moving forwards. 

I've been trying to walk a lot more this last week, this is in some way partly due to me having also been on a healthy diet the last 4 weeks and I'm gradually trying to add more exercise to my days. I've noticed something very different when I'm walking, I'm no longer burried in and isolated in thoughts in my head and I for the mostpart really am in the present noticing, looking and breathing in everything around me. I notice the smells in the air, the rays of sunshine beaming through the clouds, the trees and flowers blooming, the returned smiles from people I pass. Something so simple, but so bliss. The walking is also giving me more time to start to listen to more music again, I love music and I have been so disconnected from it for the past 5 years. I notice myself again really listening to the lyrics and taking them in, the harmonys, the base - real mood boosters. 

On Thursday this week I had my first psychotherapy session with an NHS gambling support service. This has been so overdue in my life, to talk about issues which started 20+ years ago that I have never addressed and I quite strongly now recognise how these issues have evolved into a deep rooted gambling addiction. I went into the session completely open, and within an hour found myself having completely opened up about very deep rooted problems and trauma, taking myself back 24 years. I cried for most of the call, but the therapist was absolutely first class amazing and I'm so glad I've started on a jouney to tackle the underlying problems at last. 

I've continued with the Yoga classes this last week and went to a new type of class early on in the week. I'm still finding this deeply relaxing, although it is testing my muscles and flexibility (I guess that is the point). There is a saying around yoga practice, which is that you can't ever be perfect at yoga, practicing is perfection. I think this makes the practice seem completely open to all different types of people who want to seek improvements in themselves in a steady and persistant way. 

This weekend has been a great one. I spent the evening with my partner on Friday which was really nice, as I've been working away from home for part of this week. On Saturday, I went to have my haircut at a completely new salon and I really connected with the hairdresser. We had quite a lot in common, and it was great to meet and talk to someone new, and share insights and laughter. 

I went to see my best friend on Saturday night, and had a brilliant time connecting, laughing, sharing a great meal. It was so lovely to see her and her family and have a well overdue catch up. 

Today I have been spending this afternoon getting organised for my partner's birthday and we have a great day out planned for tomorrow, where we will be heaidng outdoors for some fresh air and fun. I'm really looking forward to spending the day together, and making the day special.

All my trackers are looking more and more green and my mind is also becoming less and less decluttered. 

One last thing to mention. I found a stash of uncashed scratch cards in a drawer. I've been carrying these around in my bag for the past two weeks, intending to get rid of them and get the cash back. Today when I went to the supermarket, I had a 30 second thought about whether I should just swap them for some other scratch cards. But I very quickly dismissed this, recognised the whisper from the addiction and stomped it out of existence. I got the small bit of recovered cash, and I have put it straight into my savings account. f**k you addiction - I see you! I am not complacant, and I absolutely refute you coming back into my life. You get weaker everyday, and there is no room for you in my life anymore. 

Onto week 8 🙂

Absolutely love your post Fran. The butterfly is spreading her wings and showing all her colours to fly and bring joy to the world. 

Congratulations on 50 days. I guess the other times you gave up were cold turkey abstinence rather than the work you are putting in now. I'm sure each day you progress to be the best version of Fran each day, one step better than the day before. 

The one thing that jumped off the page, well mobile for me was that moment of connection when you walk. I remember waking up a couple of weeks into the 12 steps and writing my gratitude list and waking up to nature. I've lived on this road for 8 years and never listened to the parakeets who sing each morning. In the 1960s a pair escaped and bred in the wild nearby and now there are thousands everywhere around here. 

If you get a chance, when the weather is nice, can you indulge me in trying something.

Grab a bottle of water, some fruit or something healthy and a good book. Find a nice tree, ideally in a park or woodland and sit with your back up against it and read. Open your mind, read and breathe. I'm not a tree hugger but let the tree empower you. Listen to the leaves that talk through the wind and the branches sing by creaking. It feels amazing. Maybe take your boyfriend and sit back to back talking under the tree 

To Fran, the buttefly

This post has no ego at all but it's my 1000th post and I have no interest in marking that milestone to myself. I wanted to give this post to someone who has done so much work on herself in recovery, who has shown up and posted on her diary, helped others with reply posts and been to many chatrooms. You have shown up and taken part for yourself and others which I can only hope you continue to do but I'm sure you will

In a short period of time, I've got to know you and become friends. Whether that's for a short period of life or life long, I'm grateful. Your insight into recovery is incredible and I read the work you have done on yourself and been able to share. Your determination is there to be seen and the efforts you are putting in to be a better person and happy.

Keep growing, keep spreading your wings, improving each day, one day at a time. 

Congratulations both Fran @12o8g9i0xr  and Stuart @lp5vut869c

Hi Fran,

I just spent some time reading through your entries and felt like I wanted to comment.

First of all you are doing amazing, congratulations!

Secondly, I just wanted to say thank you to you. I’m also female and really struggling with this awful addiction. This is my first post in a forum (I think.. I actually joined last year but don’t think I spent much time on it and have continued to gamble 😣) anyway, your entries have really helped me to make a decision to get help. I have no idea where to start yet.

A little background, I cannot even remember when I started gambling I just know I have struggled with this for at least 15 years (I’m 34 now) always online slots, I eventually put the bans in place to stop me accessing the sites but now I use competition sites. A totally rogue new level for me. I spend thousands trying to win and they are consuming my life. I’m in so much debt, I’m struggling every month to keep my head above water, I already have a debt management plan with stepchange but I know this addiction is my ultimate problem. I lie to everyone I love and I isolate myself so much that when I have a day off I don’t even get dressed or leave the house. I used to enjoy the gym and walks but now everything seems to make me anxious. I need to do something because it’s killing me. I’m struggling so much.

Sorry to jump on your post, I just really liked your entries and think you’re really inspiring.

I’m even scared to use my real name incase anyone sees this so I’m just going to call myself H

Thank you again x

@lp5vut869c aww thank you Stuart, you've brought a few happy tears to my eyes! So thoughtful and kind, and I feel privileged you've honoured your 1000th post to little me ❤️.

You have been an absolute god send for me during my recovery journey, and by luck, or a higher power, I have found someone I can truly confide in with you. My friend, who i deeply cherish and whose insight, words and actions grace me evey single day and add more energy to take another step forward. 

Thank you for being you! Much love 💙🩵❤️💜

@d170h58wm6 

Hi H

Have you got Gamban in place as that should block the competition websites 

The thanks goes to you Fran, no thanks needed to me. I love reading your posts and chatroom threads 

@lp5vut869c Hi Stuart,

thank you for your reply. You seem to also be amazing in this community and a great support!

I have a ban with Gamstop, is that the same thing?

thanks 🙂

@d170h58wm6 Hi H, im sorry its taken a little while for me to reply. Ive unfortunately been very unwell this week (non gambling related, so needed to take some time out to recover). 

Thank you for commenting on my post, and absolutely no worries about posting here (please do 😊) - im glad you did.

I completely understand the mental struggle you are going through, and hope that we can connect some more to help onr another through this. Its really not anything to be underestimated, no matter how trivial it may seem in those moments when we are by ourselves trying to figure out how and why we got here. Im with you! 

Im so pleased to hear that you have made a decision to get help. Its not an easy decision to make, and its hard to know if you've made the decision consciously or not. But please know that the more you focus on recovery every day, the more the commitment to recovery becomes real. I think you might have started a post in my absence, and im going to go and have a look for it. Its difficult to know where to start, but the blocks are essential (gamatop, gamban, card blocks). And then I would recommend trying to integrate as much as possible into the GamCare community (regular forum reading, posting, chat rooms). Counselling has been really useful to me, as its the first time ive been able to talk out loud about it, id say give it a go and see what you think. 

It sounds like we are at a very similar stage of life (im 38), and we have been having this struggle for a similar period of time. Id love to chat to you more and help wherever I can. 

Fran 😊

@12o8g9i0xr Hi Fran

Sorry to hear that you have been very unwell 😢. Hope you are now on the road to recovery and I will keep you in my prayers this evening. Lovely to read that none of it is related to gambling however 👌💪.

Take care and continue to look after yourself.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Fran,

Thank you for your reply and sorry to hear you have been unwell, I hope you are feeling better.

I plan to ring the helpline tomorrow, hopefully it leads to some therapy of sorts. I’m spending the night reminding myself why this is all really important to me to stop for good. I have so much I want and need in life, my goals unfortunately having changed in around 5 years. Every year I say the same thing, stop gambling, get out of debt, finally afford my wedding, actually live a life instead of being so consumed by gambling.

One thing I’m looking forward to the most is having a clearer mind, the constant anxiety of my secret addiction and the constant stress it has caused me for so long is unbearable.

Id love to chat to you more - H 😌

It's been a little while since I've posted on my diary and checked in with the Gamcare chatroom. Pleased to say that I am still fighting the good fight, and tomorrow will mark 100 days I've been walking my recovery path.

My health blip in mid-April, which I thankfully physically recovered from quite quickly, has ended up directing me on a slightly different route of recovery than what the first couple of months looked like. This hasn't been a bad thing, but due to being mentally fatigued and tired it has meant the shape of my recovery has shifted slightly. On the positive I've learnt other things about myself in that time.

I was lucky to go on holiday in May for a couple of weeks, which gave me an opportunity to generally get some much needed rest, recouperation, fun, adventure and time with loved ones. I had a brilliant time, and loved spending each day free of stress and being present and making memories with those closest. That is the first time I've been on holiday in 14 years, where I haven't had to worry about or deal with the impact of gambling harms in the run up, during, and after. I was able to find a greater sense of self and peace during my break. I realised that there are so many other hurdles and challenges that life brings, the last thing I need is the additional self absenteeism, stress and worrying that comes from gambling.

I'm starting to trust myself a lot more, particularly with taking time to think through and understand what is driving the feelings I am holding at a particular time and realising that I can trust myself to care for myself and make positive choices to take the next step forward. I want to remember to go with the day and not with the mood at times when life can feel overwhelming, but not to create an escapism space for ignoring the mood. 

In the couple of weeks since returning from holiday, I've had an extremely busy couple of weeks at work and it's brought along stress. I had a second urge to gamble last weekend, resulting from feeling overwhelmed with the volume of tasks on my plate - the urge was to create a space for escapism. Again, the key blocks from GamStop & Gamban prevented me from opening the door. But something different to the first urge at week 2 of recovery, I now found that the dialogue in my mind has shifted more. The caring part of my thoughts are louder than they have ever been, asking me whether I really want to venture down the path again. The urge passed within a couple of hours and I was able to forget and enjoy the remainder of my evening. The next morning, came a positive flooding feeling of relief and gratefulness. 

For the first time in the last three months, I had a dream the other night I was gambling. Interestingly I also found the caring thought patterns showing up whilst dreaming, and I felt relief again on waking that was only a dream. 

Here are the positives from my new recovery journey so far, which have supported me to reach where I am standing today and bring courage to take the next step forward:

- Engagement with the GamCare community (advisors, forums (posting, reading, supporting), chatrooms)

- GamStop & Gamban, Card Blocks

- Counselling & Psychotherapy

- Self created space and activities for mindfulness and self care (e.g. regular reflection, yoga, walking)

- Making plans, connecting with and spending time with loved ones

- Taking control of my finances. For the last three pay checks, I have consistently paid all outgoings and debts immediately, set aside money in pots within Monzo to cover specific day to day living expenses, and have contributed to long-term savings.

I have continued to transfer £5 for every day I have been gamble free. Tomorrow I will have transferred £500 into savings and delivered 100 small amounts of daily dopamine. What I love most about this is not the money, but the daily anchor point of reflection in my gambling recovery. 

Much love and positive vibes to all of you on your personal journeys, keep taking those steps forward. 

Wow wow wow Fran. What a post and if that doesn't celebrate what 99 days in recovery can offer, then I don't know what will.

You talk a lot about connection in your post which is simply the opposite of addiction. You are doing so well and I hope walking.with the three Hs which coming with pride, head held high.

Love reading your post this morning and am full of compersion for my friend.