The Butterfly Effect

Oooh I have a few days to catch up on, Day 29 today and nearly one month on my climb to recovery. 

On Friday late afternoon I had a fourth call with my counsellor. It was a great chat, and I really do love the time spent talking to her. She said a few things during the call that I really absorbed to help push me forward, 1. She could tell at the start of the call that I was in a positive place and hadn't been gambling, from the tone of my voice, 2. That she knew I was going to put my goals into action, because of the way I described them and the determination I had in my voice, 3. she was so pleased with how I was doing and she really thinks speaking to me that I will stay grounded and beat this. Having these chats is adding a thick layer of accountability for me, and I really would encourage counselling for anyone who is or has thought about it.

I shared three goals that I want to achieve from my counselling and recovery journey, these aren't my only goals but they are the broadest, and the ones I want to stay focussed on:

1. I want to build healthier habits around money so I feel in control: Something Rich said to me really resonated, and that was around trying not to place a huge emphasis on money. This is something that I do, It habitates in a large space in my mind, and the reality of it is that money isn't everything. I think If I just know what I'm doing with my money each month, where it is going, then I don't have to let it occupy so much space in my mind. My counsellor suggested that I use the savings pots on Monzo as soon as I get paid, and mark them up with what they are for, essentially moving all money out of my main account bar the money for bills, so that once its transferred its labelled against where it should be. 

2. I want to build more predictable structure into my days so I feel grounded and purposeful: This is a goal that will improve my day to day life to no end. I've reflected that when I am lacking in structure, this is when I am leaving too much time to build unhealthy habits, procrastinate, become bored, and let my mind to too much talking. There are better ways I can consistently start my day (like the examples shared by Stuart) and adding exercise, I can plan and break down my day at work better so that I am focussing on specific pieces to complete each day/week. I can organise my evenings and weekends to include time for self reflection, new hobbies, connecting with others.

3. I want to stay connected to the reality of my gambling history so I dont minimise the risks or fall into complacency (but I don't want to get bogged down in it forever): This is all about my recovery journey and how I don't want to get complacent. I have blocks in place, but I also want to ensure I remain accountable and take action to work through how I got here. I don't intend for the blocks to protect me forever, I am betting and investing in myself to protect me by working through my issues. I will continue to keep my diary, I will continue to show up to the GamCare chat rooms, I will continue seeking new avenues of understanding and talking about my problem, I will find solice, fun and meaning in healthier hobbies and downtime. I don't want to leave myself exposed again by not giving this my best efforts, I don't want to go round in the cycle ever again. That is not how I want to use time in my life. I'll only live once. 

Today has been a good day, I spent some time on self care this morning, tidied the house, spent some time with my partner, took a nice walk to my first Yoga session which I really enjoyed, walked back and spoke to family on the phone. It was a nice Sunday well spent. I'm really proud of myself for putting plans into action, and for being brave enough to do something I've planned to do for 5 years. I want to keep breaking down the walls I've built to keep growing, if I can grow and see the everything, I am confident I can keep sticking my finger up in my rear view mirror to the addiction I've been carrying for so long. 

My little savings pot, where I've been transferring in £5 a day to mark each successful day of being GF now has £145 in it. 

A few areas of focus for this next week include: reconnecting with friends and family that I haven't spoken to in a while, attending an in person gambling recovery meeting on Thursday, and to be more consistent with my positive starts to the day.

I'm feeling good into week 5. 

Hi Stuart,

I love a bit of frangipane! Made one once, and it was super yummy. Craving frangipane now. 

Today I see a Fran that is open to learning and trying new things, a Fran who is staying honest to herself, a Fran who can put plans into action, a Fran who really wants change, a Fran who is gaining more clarity and courage. 

The reflection is getting clearer, and that shaddow is starting to shrink a little. 🙂

Hi Rich, I'm doing good thanks. I've been slightly irritable a couple of days this week, but not urges wise, more so work challenges and adjusting to a new diet. I felt a lot better as the weekend started 🙂

Really huge well done on batting of those urges, staying conscious and choosing to use walking and the addiction podcasts to help you through those. That is brilliant!! Is that the first day you've worked from home in the last few weeks?

Yes, absolutely Fallouts message resonates with me too. It's very easy to become complacant when you don't keep the head submerged in recovery. One of my goals is to make sure that I don't forget those end of binge feelings, I don't want to feel them, but I want to keep reminding myself why I don't want to be back there again. 

Do you enjoy working from the office? Referring back to something previously, you alluded to that there are several devices in the house where you can gain access. I'm just wondering whether you're able to install GamBan at all on the devices? It's quite obscure, and you only really know it is there when you try to access something gambling related. 

Hope you had a lovely time on the spa break, what was it like? I think you do deserve it, you've done three weeks in recovery ... your new recovery. I hope you were able to make the most of it.

Are you able to plan your week out to reduce the feelings and awareness of the empty house? Maybe you could plan some time in to do something new, you and your Mrs? 

Let us know how your counselling session is tomorrow.

All the best - Fran 🙂

Hi Fran

I love this one to try. I think you might be able to throw this into some app that I am too old to know about so it reads it out to you as it only works with your eyes closed.

So here we go. 

lie down and make yourself comfortable

Gently close your eye lids and relax

I'm going to count down from 5...5 4 3 2 1

You are on a beautiful golden beach

Move you feet around so they are covered in sand and walk into the sea

Lie back and float on the water

Let the gentle waves roll over your body removing any pain you have and any worries and any stress

The waves move over your feet, your ankles, up your legs and over your tummy, slowly moving to your neck and over your ears and head. 

Once you are fully relaxed get out of the water and stand on the beach.

Look over your shoulder to the left and there you will see all your family and friends smiling at you

Turn to them and say you fancy going for a walk

You walk along the beach with the wet sand under your feet.

You see a forest in front of you and a pathway so you decide to walk along it. 

You are surrounded by a thick foliage of green trees and you can hear the wind whistle through the leaves 

As you carry on down the path you come to a clearing

In the clearing there is something that shouldn't be there

It's a carpet. You walk on to the carpet and sit down

The carpet slowly starts moving gently left and right as if rocking a baby and rises up in the air

It carries you over the tops of the trees and you look down to see a magical landscapes of trees

Look forward and you can see a mountain. The carpet lowers you slowly to the base of the mountain and you decide to stand up and travel the path in front of you

You walk up the path which is steep and covered in loose rocks. It's a slow ascent and you are tired and see a cave next to the level ledge which you enter

You walk through the cave which is surprisingly warm and come to an opening where sunlight shines through. You bask in the sunshine and feel the goodness it brings

In front of you is a door. The door is locked and won't open. Feel in your pockets as you have the key

You open the door and enter a room. This room has been designed for you and is perfect. The colours, furniture in the room are exactly to your taste so look around 

In the centre of the room is the most comfortable chair so you sit down

You are happy and smile

You look around the walls of the room and you see framed Monzo savings pot statements with years of savings showing. 

The bank statements show you have been fruitful but fulfilled

There is a yoga mat in the room presented for five years dedication to your yoga class

Other items in the room show a plethora of hobbies you are involved in. 

There is a routine list on the table in front of you with all items ticked.

Next to the list is a frangipane t**t with a spoon and you eat. Imagine the taste of the most amazing frangipane flavour.

Look down at the key that opened the door and the key ring is a mark of five years gamble free from your weekly meetings.

On the left wall is a picture showing all your friends and family around you who you regularly speak to.

It's time to leave

Stand up and walk through the room

Through the cave and down the mountain, slowly as not to slip

Walk through the forest and passed the carpet that has returned for the next walker

Out through the forest and along the wet sands of the beach.

You can feel the wet sand in your toes

You finally arrive.back to your friends and family who are all smiling at you

When I count to 5, slowly open your eyes

1 2 3 4 5 

Hey Fran,

Love your 3 goals. Great minds think alike as 2 of the things you mentioned have been occupying my thoughts.

The Monza one intrigues me as a guy who I work with was talking about how good it is. Think I may look into it.

I want to install Gamban on my works laptop but worried about IT police and repercussions. Its the only device with access though and I wanna close it off.

Yeah that was the 1st from home in a couple of weeks. I need to just go to the office as I like working there and I'm connected or plan religiously so Im not isolated at home.

Counselling session was ok although I dont think I'm getting as much out of it as you. Not sure if its me, the counsellor or both. Will keep at it though.

Spa break was lovely. Working on some me and the missus plans.

Totally get what you say about not wanting to forget that horrible post binge feeling but forget it also.

Great to hear about your yoga and walking. 2 brill activities for your mind.

Take care, keep believing and smashing those goals.

Rich.

Hi Stuart,

Thank you so much for the personalised guided meditation - this is so thoughtful and I love it. I've read through it and was fully immersed even with my eyes open (love a story and imagination).

Okay my mission for tomorrow is to find an app where I can create my own guided meditations. I need to give it a name ... Stuart's gift to Fran. Have you any punchy titles? 

Thank you wholeheartedly my friend 🙂

Hey Rich :),

Monzo is brilliant, is really easy to set up and it's like entering a new space age of banking with lots of nice colours and widgets. I pay for the perks, which is about £7 a month, but if you're able to get the most out of the perks on offer I think it's worth it. 

Are gambling sites not already blocked on your laptop? Yeah IT watchers are definitely more vigilent these days, I'm not even sure that my work laptop would let me install it. Great that you've taken the action to close all the others off though - thats MASSIVE. 

Good to hear you will continue on with the counselling, I can see that it might not always be the right fit (for various reasons as you've mentioned). Do you find that you do most of the talking during your sessions and are able to lead bits of it to focus on the bits that you want to talk about? There seems to be a lot of suggestions across the forum and with people on the chat of different providers available as well (if you think after a few more sessions it's not quite working). Do you know what you want to get out of it, for you?

I've been craving a spa break ever since you mentioned it! Pleased to hear you had a lovely time. 

You too - hope you have a positive week and the sun continues to shine for you

Fran 🙂

Hi Fran

You are so welcome 

Unfortunately when I did it, it was with four other people and I ended up in the room with all of them there lol

If you imagine the actions it asks then it is amazing. Then when you finish you can ask yourself what it means to you, please don't post a reply on that. That's your secret to keep

Try and make sure you can really experience the flying carpet section 

Hi Fran,

Monza sounds a nifty little thing. I'll look into it further.

Yeah my works laptop and doesn't have blocks on but I dont think I'll be able to progress this as its works property. Im confident at the moment that I won't access stuff on that laptop as that would be insane and Im in a good place at the moment.

Perhaps you could book yourself a spa day or treatment when you've saved up all those little £5 wins. You'd be truly deserving of a treat not only for your gf efforts but also the way you connect and help others on this forum.

Interesting what you say abour the counselling sessions. I'm doing plenty of talking which helps but your right I need to work out exactly what I want from the sessions first.

Hope your week at work has been all good. Have a lovely weekend.

Rich

Hello little diary, sorry it's been 10 days since I posted to you. I'm pleased to say I'm still GF and have reached day 40. 

I've been in a very strange mood the last week, I think this is a mix of being tired from not sleeping enough, work busyness, and having started to venture even deeper into my brain and bringing up memories from the past to help me navigate closer to understanding the source and cause(s) of my addiction. I've been feeling a little down. 

So what has happened this past week?

I got paid at the end of the month, and followed the advice of my councellor and paid all my debts first, then created pots for each of my expenses (travel, food, subscriptions etc.) and moved my money out of my main bank account pot into these pots. I could quite easily see then where my money was needed and going to, and the fact that I don't have a lot of disposable income. This is another great tool for me as it provides visualisation. I've hooked virtual cards up to each of the pots, and have been using the relevant ones for that category of transaction. 

I went to an in person meeting in my home town. This was the first in person meeting I have attended, and I felt okay going in but then quite shy to begin with. I listened and I spoke, and I provided recognition and comments around resonance on some of the bits shared by others. 

I've had an assessment with an NHS gambling therapy service, and spent an hour on the phone talking to a nurse. There were quite a lot of questions, and I had to dig deep to provide a true reflection of my life since childhood, experiences, trauma, addiction, issues, behaviours etc. They got back to me pretty quickly after the assessment, and have found a suitable counsellor for me who has vast experience in the area of trauma relevant to my situation. I'm arranged to have 12 weekly sessions, and hope to have these set up soon. She ended with a question about why I'm seeking support now - and I said 'I don't want to live the rest of my life like this'. I really do not want gambling to be in my life anymore in any way, shape or form, I hate it and I hate the hold it has had over me and how much it has affected me for too many years now. 

I've been to two more Yoga sessions, I'm enjoying the pretty and pleasant walk there and back. I'm enjoying the time being able to more deeply connect and be aware of my thoughts, how i'm feeling and how my body is feeling. I've booked myself in for regular sessions (2 times a week) so I can practice this more, and hopefully get a bit more flex in the process. Win-Win. 

I've been cooking a lot more, which has been fun experimenting with new recipes and eating so much healthier than I have been the last year. I enjoy the cooking and time using my brain to concentrate on something productive and learn new things. 

I've continued with my savings pot, marking each successful day GF by transferring £5 across. I now have £200 in there. 

I haven't had any urges to gamble, and have been on the GamCare chatroom a couple of times this week. I've made plans to see family and friends in the next month, which I'm looking forward to. 

Persistence is the bridge between intention and reality. I'm keeping on keeping on. 🙂

@12o8g9i0xr Hi Fran.

Lovely to hear from you and well done on day 40 g.f!👏👏👏💪.

It sounds like you have some great little techniques on the go and pots for your various savings - a girl after my own heart! 🩷.

Some lovely distractions too 👌.

I hope you have a lovely weekend ahead.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Fran

It's amazing how you have come and hard to believe it's 40 days. As I've followed your journey, even from an outsiders view it seems much longer. That just shows how far you have come.

It's difficult to face life's bumps and it is ok to feel a bit down. I'm not saying it works for everyone but when I'm in the dumps I rely on the 12 steps program and GA. It's made the difference for me, but thats just me. I saw people at GA and I wanted the serenity that they had 

I can't wait to see another zero on the end of that 40 one day at a time. 

The butterfly is truly spreading her wings 

Pink Lady & Stuart, thanks so much for your posts and connection. Your best wishes and sentiments fill my heart with love and appreciation. 

Day 43 GF completed - I'm still looking forwards and taking one steady step at a time. Still no urges to gamble, and I'm staying connected to my recovery journey and purpose each day. Today I have not been complacent, complacency is not my ally here. 

I've got this really colourful spreadsheet, and it is pleasing to see 6 full weeks of Green reflecting the last 43 days I've been keeping my promise to myself.

My weekend has been quite a quiet one - still feeling some blues so I've been trying to take my mind off it by keeping myself busy at home. I'm really into the music and festival scene, so have been watching bits of the Coachella festival on YouTube. I've organised bits of the house, and been getting on top of cleaning. Today I went to another Yoga session, and had a nice walk there and back in the sunshine. I'm enjoying the yoga more and more with each session, and it's really helping with grounding, being present and I feel great when I leave. 

This next week will be relatively busy at work and there are a lot of tasks I need to get over the line. To get me through the days as positively and productively as possible, I want to aim to start each day with meditation and a little exercise. 

I'm hoping this week that my first therapy session will be set up. And I've got another new routine activity, I'm going to go and try out for the first time on Wednesday (this again has been something I've been thinking about for several years, but have never put intention into action with it). I am planning to attend the Evive session on Thursday evening.

Here's to another positive step forward, even if I'm feeling a little blue. 🙂

@2rg6xh7m8y Hi Rich! How are you doing my friend? 😊

Hey Fran,

I'm doing good thank you. 38 days gf and despite urges here and there I'm keeping busy and battling on. 

Had a message from my gamcare counsellor to say their service is ending which is frustrating. May need to come on the chat rooms more often to connect.

Hope you are doing ok and work isnt too stressful? Read your post about feeling a little blue and off recently which I can relate to. Guess its so important to have something to look forward to.

Great work on your savings pot. That was a mint idea that is paying dividends. I might nick your spreadsheet idea aswell Fran. I love to see green...indoor and out.

Take care,

Rich.