Isolation (2005) Starring John Lynch

Not surprisingly the topic is isolation

This daily post is number 49. Tomorrow, for the 50th post it the one I've been putting off. It's one that's going to hurt more to write than any other one.

This topic has been talked about in the last week in various meetings and phone calls I've been to. It's made me very reflective. The word isolation usually means a state physically. I guess that can be true for someone online but generally even though for many of my gambling years I was surrounded by people, the isolation of course was in my mind. 

When I think back, I started as a kid gambling in arcades on fruit machines. These arcades were busy and alongside that a lot of people knew I gambled. At 15 it progressed into bookmakers but after a series of episodes being caught by my father and dragged out by him and his staff, I ended up going to small ones where I could hide around the corner but still see the door. At 21 I added casinos to the mix of bookmakers and fruit machines to create the trifecta. Travelling an hour to the nearest one no one would be in there that I knew. There was connection as I would talk to people in there. Packed that in after a few years but added in horse and greyhound meetings so I was up to the fourfold. After stopping casinos, I then stopped playing fruit machines in arcades and pubs, followed by live meetings so I was down to just bookmakers. Then the internet came along. Wow, now I can really hide it and no one would know !!! A few years into website betting of course smart phones and apps came out. I don't know how but I resisted slots for a few years until a promotion that gave me some free spins on a particularly addictive and volatile series of games and that was it !!!!!!

So, I honestly believe I was addicted to gambling the first time I played a fruit machine aged 12. I guess the isolation started to build from there. Physically I would withdraw from a lot of normal things. The isolation in my brain was starting to build fuelled by the first lie. I functioned through to 2015 when this promotion literally poured 1000s of gallons of petrol onto my inner fire but when I went solely to app betting and casino play, the game was over. 11 years of more isolation. I would try and get out of doing anything that wasn't gambling and in my head it was packed with so many lies and pain that I couldn't talk to anyone about it. How many times did my addiction tell me, don't worry, I'm your friend, I'm always here to listen and can make you feel good. How could I stop believing my best friend ? How could I replace the one place I could run to. 

My addiction thrived off isolation. When I talk to people now and connect, there is no space for my addiction. It literally hates it. Once everyone finally knew about my addiction it had to hide. It was outed. It's still in me but has gone to sleep for now, one day at a time. While it's dormant I can't tell a lie and I don't need to. With that connection how can I gamble and tell a lie again, I can't. Most of all isn't connection the one gift we were given ? We are the only species on the planet with the full extent of that gift. Isolation only holds bad feelings where as connection is good. Talking to people, texting on here, whatever form of communication makes me smile. Isolation makes me depressed. Addiction equals isolation and recovery equals connection for me, plain and simple. Long may it continue. It costs nothing and everyone can do it. I don't want those barriers to come back so I fight to keep them off everyday and that means every day is a good day and I don't gamble. 

I'm on day 193. Never thought I would get here and my first big goal was always 200. 7 more days at a times, 7 more days of connection, 7 days more turning up for myself and others.