It's now or never!... 13th May 2018

Day 2

Patience is the key!

I will get back to that happy place again. That dark gambling cloud will eventually lift. It just takes time.

A bit like my road to losing weight. I’ve set myself a 20 week goal of losing 20lbs. A lb a week. So far, after 5 weeks I’ve lost 8lbs.

Day 3

Must admit to being very tempted last night to stick an accumulator on the football. I was on my own last night, with lots of football on to choose from and with money in the bank.

I ended up distracting myself by going out for a walk to the shop and playing games on my phone.

I remember how difficult these early days were last time.

Still, I didn’t gamble and that must be seen as a successful day. I’m aware that these urges are strong in the early days and they will get weaker as the days amount.

Let’s see what Wednesday brings.

Thanks Caughtup. You’re a real star!

I’ve done it again! 🙁

Another few hundred blown tonight.

But I’ve taken your advice and have just signed up to Gamstop. This madness simply has to end! I’ve just undone 4 and a half months of hard work in 32 days.

My relationship with my girlfriend, I imagine, will be hanging by a thread after this. I have to accept what’s coming and take whatever comes my way. Whether it be bad or a reprieve. I’ve let her down massively.

I’m feeling incredibly low tonight. But I have to dust myself off and fight back. There are happier times ahead. I’ve proved that not so long ago when I thought I was in a black hole with no way out.

The fightback starts tomorrow.

I may have lost the battle but I’m determined to win the war!

Thanks again, Caughtup.

Such a nice message to read first thing this morning.

Woke up with all kinds of negative feelings this morning.

Still can’t believe what I’ve done.

But I have to look to the future. It’s what I make of it. It’s all in my hands. No one has forced me to gamble away over a grand in the last month. It’s been down to ME!

I have the power to change all that and to become a better person.

Today I shall not gamble.

Day 1

A real testing day at work after very little sleep last night. Managed to just about get through it. Going to treat myself tonight (though I don’t deserve it!) to a take-away and some chocolate.

I have to somehow keep my spirits up, especially during these early days.

Though I’m in a much better position financially than the last gambling binge I had, it’s really hit me hard this time for some reason. Perhaps because I’d worked so hard to get myself into this good position, only to undo everything so quickly. I think that has upset me most.

I keep telling myself that things will get better. I thought they wouldn’t last time, but they did.

As I said before, patience is required. My financial situation won’t sort itself out overnight, much as I would like it to.

I really don’t want many more days like today in my life.

Dan

Hi DeterminedDan,

Sometimes re/lapse is part of the overall journey to recovery and I am sorry to read that you are experiencing very negative thoughts right now. The key thing about understanding relapse is to know that you are not at "square one", things have changed and you do recognise them - that the better financial position you were in was due to having abstained up until the relapse, and that you've also gone a step further and put the Gamstop block in place. Keep looking forward, not back, and if you need help and advice on how to strenghten your desire to recover from problem gambling remember that you can call one of our Advisors for this, or just a chat, any day of the week.

Kind regards

Leigh

Forum Admin

Day 2

Thanks for your message of support, Leigh. It’s very much appreciated.

It was almost to the day this time last year when I’d just had a major gambling blowout and I was left with very little in my savings.

Now, one year on, having had another major gambling blowout, I find myself with double what I had in my savings, plus I’ve managed to get a new car.

So if I was to have been told this last year, I would have been delighted. So that’s one positive.

One thing that I reflected on last night was the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever reached my “rock bottom” when it comes to gambling. I’ve always managed to pull out just before I reach that point, which makes the recovery a bit easier and quicker.

I sometimes wonder whether I’d have been better off reaching a “rock bottom” so that long term, it may have made me realise that gambling is a massive no no.

I’ve never been in debt, never had an overdraft or owed anyone money. I have my own house and car and have always had some savings in the bank. My job pays relatively well. It’s about average.

I read some stories on here that are shockers in comparison to all that. But it’s what gambling does to your state of mind too.

It makes you feel worthless, weak and pathetic. It upsets you to think of what you could have done with the money.

I just want to be at a stage where I’m proud again of the number of days I’d accumulated gamble free. This summer felt amazing. I looked healthier and felt alive. I could hold my head high and be proud.

It’s a long road ahead but I’m desperate to get to that place once again.

Evening Dan and hearty congratulation for signing up to Gamstop. Definitively a step in the right direction and it should bolster your defences.

I appreciate your post on my diary and thank you for the continued support. You have wisdom, understanding and a good outlook on life which has been shared and appreciated by your friends and fellow travellers on the diaries.

Like your good self I have stumbled a few times but with perseverance we always get back up and live with hope that one day we will be free from the tyranny of gambling addiction. We are all here gathered together on a great adventure. Men and women from every background shoulder to shoulder on the Gamcare Road with a common desire to be gamble free...stephen

Thanks Stephen! A very wise man you are yourself too.

I’m pretty relieved to have made it through nearly 48 hours gamble free and in particular to have survived gambling on a Saturday.

Tonight I am reading (for the 2nd time) Paul Merson’s autobiography. Man, that guy went through some serious doo doo.

His gambling in particular was a major problem. It’s fascinating and strangely consoling to read that even famous celebrities/sportsmen and women can go through exactly the same life problems as us mere mortals.

It’s helping me during these early stages where I feel so down about myself.

Day 3

I have to make this time count.

Since September, I’m now earning about £200 a month less. I’ve also had to purchase a new car which I’m paying about £150 a month. So there really is no slack on my monthly wage, once all my outgoing bills have left my account. I’m left with around £350 to see me through the month. That is for food, petrol etc.

A big difference to having £700 for the month. So gambling really can’t be an option.

The positive is that I now have a newer car that I’ve been meaning to get for about 12 months now, so that particular worry is off my mind.

I still have just under £2,000 in my savings which is a massive improvement on this time last year. That is only thanks to the 64 day and 131 days (along with a few 15 days too) that I’ve managed to remain gamble free. In that time I was able to save lots of money.

However, I won’t be able to this time as I won’t have that luxury. At best, I’ll manage to break even for the month. I don’t think I’ll be able to save for the time being.

Dan

Day 4

A day off today. I went for a walk this morning. I do love walking, it helps to clear my head and gives me a chance to relax and be in my own little comfort bubble.

This afternoon I’ve done loads of reading which again helps to relax the mind. Reading is another thing that I love doing but I end up neglecting it in favour of gambling.

I’m going to start buying more books and do more reading. It’s a better way to spend £7 or £8 a week than to give it to the gambling industry.

Another successful GF day.

Dan 4-0 Gambling

(Though I lost the last match 33-0)

Day 5

Hi ALN, thanks for your post. No I've never tried GA before. I have given it some serious consideration in the past but it’s just not for me. I’d prefer to try other ways if I can. That’s not to say I would rule it out in the future.

As I’ve posted before, whilst I acknowledge that I do have a problem with my gambling, currently, I do have some semblance of control. I don’t gamble until I’ve lost my last pound and then I certainly don’t go looking for other means to fund my gambling. I usually stop once I’ve done a certain amount of damage to my savings.

My gambling losses in the past have become more of a nuicense and an obstacle for me to save and spend the money on things for me, rather than anything majorly destructive. My girlfriend never goes without, it’s always me that goes without.

That might sound like I’m talking my way out of this addiction. It most definitely isn’t.

I’m making slow and steady progress. Gradually, my periods of abstinence are getting longer and I’m always adding in new blocks. Telling my girlfriend this year has been the biggest change I’ve made and has made a massive difference. I’m confident that things will get better for me in the future. I’ve seen the progress for myself already.

Day 6

Cheers, Reminder! Yes, I’m channeling my mind back to the Summer where I felt happy and at peace. I think I’ll look back on the Summer of 2018 with great fondness. The World Cup, the gorgeous weather and the fact that I went the whole Summer without gambling and built my savings up considerably. It was a truly great time for me. I felt like a proper decent human being.

Thankfully, that Summer meant that this latest setback didn’t do too much damage. It perhaps undid half of that. Now is the time to cement home that Summer and turn it into a flippin good year.

Day 7

Tonight at 11:39pm will mark one week of no gambling. The first of many, many, many more I hope.

Just about to visit a friend for a bite to eat which will be nice.

Then back home later for a glass of wine (or 2) and a film/box set.

I’m so much better off without gambling. I feel happier within myself and look more refreshed. I oozed with confidence during the Summer. I was so proud of myself. I need to get back to feeling that way again. Only actions can alter that.

Day 8

Nothing much to report.

Going round to see my cousin tonight for a takeaway and a chill night.

Another day successfully negotiated.