It got worse before it got better

How mad is it when your reading someone else's diary blog that you actually think its be written about you by someone that must know you as well as you know yourself....check chat name could it be someone I know????

Stupidgirl39 wrote:

How mad is it when your reading someone else's diary blog that you actually think its be written about you by someone that must know you as well as you know yourself....check chat name could it be someone I know????

Meaning we're in similar situations SG39?? I've read a few diaries where I'm thinking that's sooo me!! Goes to show how many of us are struggling with this!! Hope your winning your fight with that t**t Mr G 🙂 Did try to find your diary but guessed you haven't started one yet (not that you have to if course) x

Caught up on a few diaries 2day, nice to see people still on the recovery road. But worried about others....just hope you guys are ok. It's strange but being on here brings gambling to the front of my mind....but it's been such a help, a place to release x

Yes ladyh exactly that....story's mirror others and your sitting thinking oh my god it's me!! Scary isn't it. Yes I haven't done a diary yet. But I have feeling be almost identical to yours. I owned up promised I wouldn't do it again...ppl were to soft on me (trusting) my partner didn't check my bank account or statements I lied about how much money I had in account if he did ask. Like you I'm not blaming him in anyway I told all the lies and was aware of the consequences of my actions but obviously not enough as I started again borrowed, lied, deceived all to try cover my tracks. Borrowed money from ppl I would have never dreamed of asking of sound mind and spun a whole new web of lies. And lay in bed a couple of weeks ago googling the quickest/most painless way to end life....I am not only a coward and couldn't go through it but I have a wonderful family 2 beautiful sons and kept thinking how heartbroken they would be that I couldn't even tell them again. I confessed all to my parent in the hope they would bail me out financially again and not tell my partner and he'll never know as thought he would definitely leave me this time. I have only been compulsive gambling last 18months online. That's done all the damage. Before that I been bingo clubs few times and spat feathers that I'd just spent £50 when could have gone out for nice meal ect. Again I think it comes back to the fact that I wasn't handing over cold hard cash it's was just numbers on a screen...albeit my bank account funds but it wasn't "real" hahaha if only that was the case!...I've only ever been in bookies less than handful of times. Grand national 2 bet or something but some how thes f*****s took hold of me and turned me into someone I didn't even recognise anymore. I last gambled on 6th April and I can honestly say I will never do it again not even a scratch card or lotto ticket. It's like I've had a light bulb moment and realised that there are many outside issues that need to be addressed that I think I needed that to turn to. I want my partner to take my card, I got him to scratch off the ccv number as I only got new card 2 days ago so have no idea what it is...hence I can't pay for anything online without it....I want to show him my online banking app so he can see no transactions to any gambling sites and my mum and dad bailed me out again and believe me she'll be watching me like a hawk from now on and I'm glad. I have nothing to hide anymore. But I also know from reading some of these diaries that you can never be complacent with a gambling addict. How can someone be gamble free for 12 years then start again?? Like some I've read. It just beggars belief. But it beggars belief when I think of the things that I've done to fund or hide my habit. Because I never thought I was capable of such disloyalty. I hope you never feel in that situation again like when you contemplated stepping out in front of traffic cos I know exactly how it feels. Why would we carry on doing something that made you feel like THAT! Absolutely crazy isn't it xx

Oh I didn't explain that my parents wouldn't bail me out without telling my partner as they wouldn't lie to him again....and they knew in there heart that if I didn't tell him I would prob do it again and they were just as bad. I know they were right!!! Maybe I would have carried on at a later date. I begged them not to tell or make me do it but they wouldn't back down. And yes it's been hard. He's hurt, heartbroken but he loves me. We been together 20years this year although not officially married "for better or for worse" he's stuck by me. And I think it's prob best thing that's happened to us as I've realised that maybe things haven't been going good for a while...we don't really take any time for ourselves. We pass like ships sometimes cos when he gets in from work I got out to work. We don't talk when we are together I'm on Facebook/twitter/slots on one end of sofa and he's up other playing game on his phone or watching sports or film. We have financial problems as we have both buried our heads in the sand ect ect....and I honestly think these are all maybe little triggers that sent me to find a buzz in gambling. Some ppl have affairs ect. Not making excuses just seeing the bigger picture for a change.

hi sg39

you have really opened up in these posts. Honesty and openess will serve you well in your recovery. It might be better to start a diary of your own instead of posting on Lady H's, that way people can post directly to you and support you.

You're also very welcome to call us on the freephone helpline 0808 8020 133 or chat to an adviser direct on the Netline. We can give you a lot of advice on stopping gambling and coping with the aftermath.

Best wishes

Forum Admin

Thank you for posting the council tax thing getting me down they have been really unsympathetic I suppose this is my fault for never sticking to agreements but they won't spread my debt longer than 6 months this is going to kill me in addition to this year's payments it's very stressful!if I can manage it in 6 months I will for the first time be up to date whoop whoop! Guna be a long 6 months x

Aggghhhhhh!! Absolutely gutted. I was doing so well. I have £20 in my purse..that's all I have. Was waaaay to confident. Let me just find a quiet corner and die 🙁

Hey Lady H, how are you, sorry to note your relapse but come on you can do this and stick to it. Xx

Ive messed up once more....and many times since last posting. Apart from this online gambling my whole life is a habit of sorts. That doesn't make sense...let me think how to explain this.....I stop I start... I need to make changes to my lifestyle...I understand this triangle thing more than ever now. I don't make an effort with how I look, don't make an effort with my partner, friends & family. Need to change everything n get back to the old me. If your reading my diary for the first time & your new to this site please take note trying to become gamble free is not an easy ride...the amount of fails I've had is ridiculous...did I ever really stop? Not really ...few weeks/months here n there. Not sure what else to say ...im in such a dark place ...x

I hate to say this Lady H but things will never change unless you do , youv'e been around here long enough to know how this all works and you need to get wartertight seals on yhose doors you keep leaving open , you shouldn't even be able to access a gambling sight if you install the right software to block it and how do you still have ready access gambling fund's ? . I'm not trying to be harsh but the reality is you haven't done enough to stop yourself and that needs addressing , for you willpower alone's not going to do it so you need all the safety devices you can get hold of .

Councilling , GA are all options you could consider aas well , life does get better and thing's will improve once you stop but you have to accumalate some bigger gamble free time to make a difference , this didn't happen overnight and there's no " Quick fix " either .

I know giving up gambling it isn't easy to do but do you really want to be here next year and the one after when thing's have gotten much worse , looking back at your old threads thinking "why didn't I stop then " ? .

Deep breath and back on the horse , your back so take some credit for logging back on addmitting that :)) It's not the end of the world and you know the pitfalls now , so look ahead and not back and if you do look back just don't stare too long , ahead of you is the life you want and all you have to do is reach oiut and take it :)) .

Alan

Thankyou Alan. What you have said is very true!!

Well my lil sis saved me this time. She lent me money to sort my mess out and asks me to send her a screenshot of my online banking each week...she also looking into evening classes we can do together, bless her. First person who has actually checked up on how I'm doing and coping x

Just read back my diary ...just in case you were wondering on how I managed to as I was transferring my OH my left over wage after bills ....about 2 months ago he stopped asking how much I was going to transfer ....& then Mr G crept right back in!! I recognise it's not his fault...but what I recognise is I can't stop by myself. Actually I haven't gambled since 27.9.17...might get my counter going again x

So can you do anything differently this time , maybe have your wages paid straight into his account and allow him to deal with all the finances completely ? .

Maybe some more councilling ? sorry not sure if youv'e had any or look at GA perhaps ? .

I only ask because in order to make a change in the pattern thing's have to change , not having a go just asking how can you make yourself safe :))

Sooooo....super quick catch up!! My sis has been checking on me...screen shots sent of banking, we've been doing a lot of stuff together too 🙂 Household bills sorted (I owe my sis money now on the downside but we a repayment plan in place). As for my normal debt I call it...I've left Stepchange & called each one (well been making my way through them)...and they have been extremely understanding and let me pay them direct (same amounts as SC offered to them but on the day I get paid...SC collection date was a week later than pay day...we all know what can happen in a that time).

So yeah been sorting stuff out once again. X