I'm not new here, but after another relapse I think starting whole new diary seems like a good idea.
So many relapses lately and so much money lost... I was 2 months free before today, and last year I had 10+ gamble free months under my belt. I haven't gambled regularly in 2 years but it doesn't help much when these occasional blowouts are so bad.
I lost 400 today in matter of 2 hours. I have lost 6000+ total in the last 5 years or so. Doesn't seem that bad, but I'm poor student and never had regular job or any real income so it's shitload of money for me. Ironically I have about the same amount of student loan that I have lost in gambling (6500). Surely could have spent that money better, and I just don't know why I keep doing this to myself.
Good thing is I didn't gamble all my money this time either. Mainly thanks to blocks I have in place (keeping my money in different places). So even when that lost money hurts again and my financial situation just got worse again, I can manage if I get back in gamble free track. Which I'm going to do. Also, I know my dad will help me with my student loan if I can't get proper job to pay it off. Still 2 years of studies left too.
Aside from gambling and crappy financial situation my life is not bad at the moment. My physical and mental health is much better than it was couple of years ago and my motivation for studies is better etc.
For now I know this next week will be hard since those urges to chase my losses will be there. After that I know the urges will get less frequent but the real challenge will be once again to keep this happening again from 1 or 2 or 3 or 10 months from now. Honestly I just don't know how to do it since this seems happening again and again. Then again I know physical blocks and reading here helps in the short term at least. So have to improve in those areas. I guess that one day at a time is once again all I can do for now, since thinking too far ahead just brings more pain and misery.
Anyways sorry for the rambling and thanks if someone read it. Really have to go to sleep now and back to studies tomorrow after this crappy Sunday...
quite a few positives in that diary Jer
keep fighting getting support and sharing
hear from you soon triangle
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
