Lets try again

I usually try to make a positive out of a big relapse but this time I am finding it nearly impossible, I feel utterly empty and dejected. Why do we do this to ourselves over and over. I am not even 30 yet and I feel like I have wasted my life. The government needs to see this website alone with the thousands of testimonies showing the damage betting shop machines and online addictions can cause

Hey Relapse 155

I don't know why we do this to ourselves. I feel your pain. This month has been the worst time of my life and I have hit a very low point, like you The debt I am in makes me feel sick and I constantly wish I could turn back the clock, but sdaly I can't. None of us can. But we can take each day at a time and be gamble free going forward.

You are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you 🙂 There is still time for you to get that flat. Be positive, have faith, I have faith in you. Good luck.

BowWow x

Hi BowWow,

Thank you for your post, I am sorry to hear you are experiencing such pain too over the regret and wishing we could turn back time. I have too had a crazy month starting on the 2nd and just a rollercoaster of emotions during that time. I feel sickened by myself for letting it end the way it has, i guess i just thought that because of al my wins there was no way i could lose that much, certainly not in one day. As expected though i am already missing out on things, today i had planned to meet a friend but cant bare it today. I have the small talking demons in the head after i have been paid but i know this is really bad and that i shouldnt go near any of it. I just want to be happy again, i know its possible but only once money has returned. People who know my plans of getting a flat will be confused as to where my earnings and savings have gone, although some will know. You will get yourself out of debt, but i heed a warning that once you do be very careful. I am a clear example having got myself out personal debt i have managed to lose the majority of my savings and i can tell you the feeling is just as raw and painful. As you say though its a day at a time.

Another day complete, stayed mainly in the shadows away from people. The shame and gutting feeling from this week has taken its toll. Something i have remembered from my gambling binge this month i would like to ask everyone is did they ever when gambling and winning, did anyone ever feel a sense of guilt? I distictly remember when big numbers on roulette came in and i was ahead, when the numbers rolled in 4 or 5 in a row. I started to feel guilty for some reason as if i was actually taking something from someone or maybe it was disbelief it felt like cheating i dunno. Anyone else experience this?

Another morning waking with huge regret, it makes me feel physically sick. Wondering how long this will last. I have ruined my year all in a few hours of madness.

Have you considered GA. There you will find people & a program who can help you work through your guilt & shame

I have had some gamcare counselling before which helped alot, but with work commitments not sure I can do that again. I'm trying to focus on positives like not being in debt but it's really hard to focus. Is what it is and one day at a time I guess. This is my 4th day away from the curse but being a binge gambler my worry is in months to come.

Well done on 4 days, taking one day at a time is the best way forwards,

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne,

Many thanks, the longer i go the better im sure but i just have to be so careful, now and for a long long time to come as im clearly capable of a sudden big loss. I think the signs are there for me though and maybe other people leading up to that big loss, small bets start, they get bigger, you escape a loss with a win and your head says its ok.

I think today if i can im going to try my best to do some tidying up and maybe some exercise, both of these things always make me feel better. However truth be told i just want to get into bed and hide away from the world. We shall see.

Well i have survived my first real test. Went into town today past regular betting places, I had to pick up two seperate things in town, my luck both out of stock, typical. These types of things have been i think sometimes triggers to just think go and have a flutter. i walked straight past. Of course the head was wispering wouldnt it be great to win at least some of the losses back but i literally power walked back to my car to make sure i didnt have an option. I then went and got some shopping, really hits home when you get £25 worth of shopping and think of what you gambled away in relation, but of course as we all know when in that zone none of us think of money accumulative to value of products and items it just becomes a blur.

Currently I hate waking up in the morning, all the memories all the pain and regret goes flooding into my head. A working week is going to be really hard. Day 5 and I hate myself for what I've done.

Difficult day today, alot of demons on the head. Can feel myself shaking being nervous about the future. I can't do this again. Have been looking at budgeting the next few months to try and recoup some of the losses (obviously here is where a demon creeps in) currently can't stand the thought of money. That is something I believe should be taught more in schools about money management. I need to reprogramme my brain after this.

Just survived another walk past bookies, feeling low but can draw strength from it. Wish it was this time last week but can't look back now. It's a struggle, anyone reading this that thinks they might have a problem, stop now before its too late.

Hi nt, happy day 5 right back to you, I have seen the phrase on diaries around here and am going to live by it for the foreseeable future, I cannot win because I cannot stop. This is so true certainly of me. I'm distraught by what I lost currently but time heals. It's a tough tough one.

hi Relapse and thank you for your support on my diary. nearly a week "G" well done. I have never been able to stop either. What made me quit was spending money on an obscure slot machine only site, not having any wins but kept depositing until had spent 500 in the space of an hour! with no pleasure just agitation. Did have money in the bank and could have continued and probs would have won a bit back but was so angry with myself because it was so boring and yet I carried on!! think I started to think I was going mental as couldnt believe how flippant I had been then started to think what I could have done with that money and the anger made me not want to play anymore. Still get urges, but thats nostalgia for those times when I used to get highs but for a long time now its pretty been much lows and just gambling for the sake of it....addiction. Stay strong Mary