Living with my biggest mistake

Checking in 193 days GF, another week until the 200 mark.

Gradually coming on here less and less. Not because I do not appreciate the immense help so many people have been on here but it is just I do not feel the need to be continually reminded of that dark period of my life. I am still fully capable of making myself feel pretty bad about this so all the time I do not want to gamble I think I can give myself a break and let that period of last year fade into a bad memory rather than something to beat myself up about. I have not looked back as far as page one of this diary for a few weeks now and I am happy to distance myself from it.

I don't think about gambling from day to day just as I didn't for 48 years until last summer when I went so badly out of control and am not fighting demons trying to convince me to gamble. Grand National came and went at the weekend - normally that would have meant a couple of £s on a work sweepstake and maybe another couple on a home sweepstake. A simple "no thank you" at work dealt with that and we completely forgot about the race at home until it was halfway through and then just switched on to watch the end. Did not really feel like I was missing anything.

There is no cure for this though, I can't gamble because I am not able to control myself when I do. The answer is to not gamble.

Life continues with its ups and down. My father in law passed away last week after a few months of age related illness but that was probably a release for him as his quality of life had deteriorated to such an extent he really wanted to go. However sad this makes us all who remain, this is the circle of life and he had a good and happy life. Does put things into perspective though and reminded me I do need to guard against putting off doing things until some "perfect" time in the future.

The rest of life is good. Started up a hobby with my son we used to do together and getting out helping him with his driving practice. Off on a short city break with my wife next week and despite her obvious upset about her father things seem to be going well between us.

Keep up the GF days everyone.

Day 197 GF

Made myself laugh today. Driving home and listening to radio talking about resignation of Arsene Wenger. They bought on a guy from one of the big online bookies to talk about the odds of various potential replacements. Without the slightest hesitation I just blurted out aloud an extremely offensive name for him. I am not someone who used a lot of bad language and i shocked myself slightly with the aggressiveness of it - guess it was just lucky I was on my own!

Seems my dislike of bookies/casinos has not mellowed any.

Out for an hour with son tonight practicing his driving and then a couple of glasses of wine with my wife. Simple pleasures but I could have thrown them all away if I had not stopped gambling. I feel so lucky to be able to live without gambling in my life.

Have great gamble free weekends all.

Hello Muststop,

Well done on nearly 200 days! I too have taken a dislike to the gambling industry if a little less aggressively xD

Ultimatly we can only look out for ourselves (though we can of course give out advice to others with a problem) so whatever works for you. Its sounds like you are much more present within yourself and thats a massive outcome from stopping. We can really enjoy life when we notice them little things/moments in life, they make it so great.

Have a good weekend mate!

All the best.

Hiya sjw will catch up with you later just wanted to touch base much love x Lulu x

Hi Muststop123 - In some ways I miss you being around so much, but in a much bigger way I'm happy that you're spending less time here and that you're beginning to move on from your gambling episode last year.

I think that's what I aspire to - I, like you, lived for close to 50 years without even thinking of a casino or gambling and then it took hold of my life for a relatively short but destructive time. But, unlike you, I've struggled to stay strong. I don't want this to sound over familiar, but I see you as the version of me that succeeded in quitting and I think that's why I'm so grateful for your input in my diary.

Sorry to hear about you're father-in-law but I'm glad that your life seems to be heading in a very positive direction - hobby with your son, driving practice, short break with your wife - these are real treausres and a universe away from the pointless waste of gambling.

Take care buddy - and congratulation for tomorrow when you achieve a spotless record of 200 gamble free days!

Congratulations Muststop on your excellent recovery. It is now 200 days since you last had a bet and your attitude during this time has been admirable.

The addiction caught you unawares but you came to recognise it's insidious nature. It had viciously laid waste to your hopes and dreams whilst your actions, under it's influence, had jeopardised your quality of life. You also felt you had betrayed the trust of your loving family.

200 days ago you embarked on a journey of redemption, a noble quest to reclaim your freedom. During that time you have shown courage, honour and integrity. In my mind you are a true gamcare warrior...stephen

Thank you sjw, Equinox and Stephen for your words. I am fairly sure if I had not found this website 200 days ago and found the help and support that so many people have given me I would be in a very different place.

200 days ago I was pretty much a broken man. I was leading a double life, being deceitful to my wife, falling apart physcally to the point of being physically sick in the car park at work after more lunchtime gambling and losing a lot of money. I was completely at a loss to what had happened to me over a few short months and really did not like myself at all.

The knowledge and support I have gained from the people on this site and the help I received through Gamcare counselling has really been my saviour. I am in no doubt without this help I would have still have been chasing my losses and this would have probably had fairly devastating impacts on my life. One of the first replies I got on here was "You have lost £5000, just make sure it does not become £50,000". I did not listen immediately but I sure did as soon as I lost another £1000.

I know I am not cured, I will always be someone who cannot gamble and I am ok with that. I can honestly say with the exception of one isolated incident during the last 200 days I have not wanted to gamble. I had a few periods of my mind trying to tell me gambing was not all bad but those did not lead to a desire to gamble. I know I am lucky that my addiction level was probably a lot lower due to the short period of time I gambled. I have also discovered a fair bit about myself and the way my mind works that I would probably not have found out otherwise so always a silver lining!

So onwards towards the next 100 days. I don't see this as an arduous or unpleasant thought. I enjoy being gamble free so every day I don't gamble is a good one.

Muststop123

Day 207 GF.

No urges to gamble. Spent a few days in York doing a bit of touristy stuff. Same issue as any reasonably sized town/city of a bookies on every street corner it seems. No pull for me, just that feeling of seeing something offensive amongst all the shops, pubs and restaurants. Never seem to see any of the happy smiling people walking out of them they try to show in the adverts.

Keep strong everyone, we can't change any of the past but we all can change our future.

Day 211 GF.

Seen a few posts about Gamstop which has created some doubts about my true feelings about gambling. Obvious answer is sign up - I keep saying that I never want to gamble again so why would I even hesitate? Interestingly I have hesitated and I think it is because while I don't really want to admit it I think there is a small part of me that still fantasises about one day taking £500 and sneakily converting into £1000. There is truly no desire the play the games - the thought of that ball spinning round on that roulette wheel still makes me feel sick. I think it comes down to a mixture of still wanting to get some of my losses back even if it is only a small proportion and maybe greed which odd as I do not need the money.

I did self exclude from all the sites I was using but I guess subconciously have always known there would always be another site I could sign upto if I wanted.

So no more half measures - job this weekend is to sign up for whatever the longest time is available.

Hi Muststop123 - It's always a treat to read your diary entries - so clear-minded and determined.

It's like having Chief Brody aboard our boat as we dodge the big jaws of the gambling sharks.

Have a brilliant weekend when it arrives - and congratulations on clocking up 211 days of gamble free life.

Equinox

Hi Equinox, I sometimes feel a lot more like Forrest Gump on his tuna fishing boat! Well done on signed up to Gamstop and your continual absistance from any real life casinos.

Well I finally did it today after much deliberating and signed up for Gamstop for 5 years. Obviously this is the right thing for someone like me who keeps saying he does not want to gamble again. The fact that I struggled with the decision so much confirms that it was the right decision as I need to face the fact that in the far back of my mind I had not finished with gambling - I still have/had that itch for that one last spin of the wheels where I had a few spins, waited until I was up a bit and left as a winner. Obviously complete nonsense as I know I would never stop while I was up, it would always be just get it to £X amount and then just a little bit more and then just a little more and then oh look, I have lost it all.

What made up my mind was remembering that sickening feeling when all the money had gone and I lay in bed in absolute silence holding in my emotions as I desperately tried to work out how I was going to get out of the financial hole I was digging bigger and bigger. Really don't want to go back there.

Never been in a bookies before and not even sure how they work and in the same way as a real casino I would be too embarassed/self concious to go in one and get seen losing a load of money so fairly confidence I am not going to go down that route.

Feeling a bit emotional because I think this is actually a fairly big step where I have finally committed that my future will truly be a gamble free one with no possibility of a sneaky little bet at some undefined point in the future. It is a really pleasant feeling.

Muststop123

Checking in day 221 GF.

No specific urges to gamble but happy the Gamstop is in place. Bit of an odd situation remains where I still find the idea of physically gambling an unpleasant thought but also have occasional thoughts of it being an opportunity to make some extra cash. Stupid, I know, because gambling has never shown itself to be an income creation scheme for me, quite the opposite. Then I remind myself that I can't anyway because of the Gamstop.

Read a few diaries on here from people who have been successful in stopping gambling for reasonably long periods of time but eventually relapse. Determine not to do this myself and have always felt that perhaps my addiction was not as strong as some others due to the relatively short period of time I was gambling irresponsibly. Think perhaps my addiction is not so strong but regardless of how long someone gambles uncontrollably it is like a switch and they never totally lose that bit of poison in their mind that makes them think about gambling. A year ago I never gave the idea of gambling a second thought, now it manages to worm itself inside my head even if it just so I can bat it away.

Muststop123

Checking in day 224 GF.

Lot of coverage about reduction in FOBT max stake to £2 on tv/radio/internet today. My belief is it can't do any harm but would not have any affect on the ridiculous amounts I was betting on online roulette. I think the discussion is good though and pleased government has taken decision despite protests of gambling industry.

I am at home on my own today and the talk of gambling on tv still makes me feel guilty despite having no intention of gambling today! Got a few chores to do and going to take advantage of the sun to do a bit of walking rather than driving, a simple pleasure but it is this sort of thing that I have definitely started to appreciate more since the fog of gambling lifted.

Muststop123

Checking in day 230 GF.

Just realised tennis French Open has started so it was just about a year ago that I was working at home, bit bored and got sent an offer for some "free" bets for the tennis which I stupidly used.

Hey, it was "free" money so where was the harm? Who would have thought that innocent little email could have caused me so much pain and disgust for myself.

What now upsets me the most is I know 1000s of the same type of emails will be going out today and some of them will get responded to and out of those people who respond, a few will go on to have a problem with gambling. None of these people will expect this to happen and then at some point down the road in 3 months, a year, 10 years or whatever they might turn up on here having hit rock bottom wanting to stop because of the devastating affect it is having on their lives. Today they would look at you as if you were stupid if you tried to explain how potentially dangerous accepting a "free" bet was but if you suggested they took a "free" sample of illegal drugs from their local drug dealer they would run a mile. But it is ok to gamble because it is legal so there can't be any risk.

Rant over

Day 232 GF.

Got home from work last night and was stood in the kitchen opening the mail chatting to my wife when I opened an offer from some online casino for free spins or credit or something, don't really know because I did not really read it. Immediately ripped it into pieces and threw it in the recycling before my wife could see. Still feel so guilty about this sort of thing despite fact I could not go on this site even if I wanted. .

Put my mind at rest a bit today about my credit rating. I never took out any loans for gambling or missed any payments for anything as a result of gambling but I did wonder whether all those payments out of my bank account to gambling sites might have dented my credit rating. Did one of those free checks today and it seems not. Not looking to take out a mortgage or anything in the near future but even for them I don't think they usually ask for bank statements for more than 6 months so hopefully should not have any embarassment on that score. I do wonder if I went to my own bank at the moment for a loan they might still look at all those payments going in and out over the four months to various online casinos and question my financial security. I know I did not do anything illegal or put myself into financial difficulties but doubt it can exactly be a positive mark on my account. Obviously at the time they were fine with me transferring £250 to a gambling site eight times in one day.

Have a great bank holiday week all.