Living with my biggest mistake

Thanks, Velvet, really pleased to hear you are keeping up the good fight.

So 50 days GF today. I know it is just another number but that first week, month and then onto 50, 100, 200 (I am determined not arrogant!) etc seem as good a way as any to set ourselves targets.

No further urges since day 48 which is good although I do still get the odd thought trying to worm itself into my head reframing the past to highlight the highs of the odd time I did win reasonably big neglecting to also highlight the very low lows.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking like this and to be honest I batter the thoughts down fairly quickly. Its odd because if anyone ever came on here and suggested these ideas I would be all over them telling why they were so wrong but my own mind still tries to sneak them in. There is no external source for these thoughts so it is all within my control. It is like the clichГ©d image of having a good and bad version of myself on my shoulders giving me advice.

Well done on racking up the days and keep going, you know there will be trying days, but remember where it wants to take you, remember that it does not give a s**t about you or anything around you, infact it wants you to lose it so you can be once again be hypnotised by the thoughts of free money and the lies of what it can offer you, see you at the 100 Club.

Well done on 50 days, Muststop. I’ve followed your diary from the beginning as we are both on 50 days today. I hope you’ve found keeping a diary useful and that you continue to share your journey. It works for me, and whenever I’ve drifted away from the forum it’s not long until gambling has sucked me back in.

Congratulations on 50 big ones, Muststop!!! 🙂

Well done also for fighting (and beating!) those urges on Day 48.

They will happen mate. Having gambled for so many years, like I have, it’s inevitable that these urges will return at some point.

As controversial as this sounds, gambling will have provided us with some good times too and sometimes, after a long period of time especially, the mind forgets those awfully bad times and only remembers the good times.

I always refer back to the last time I gambled and look back through old text messages, diary entries etc to try and refresh the mind and make me realise how much I was destroyed and to remind myself not to go back to those dark times.

Please don’t worry about those urges. The fact is you didn’t gamble. That’s ALL that matters.

Moorey

Thanks for the comments Smashed, Paul and Moorey, really appreciate them. I am pretty sure I would have continued gambling if I had not come across this forum in a moment of despair and found others who were going through similar problems.It is finding out that you really are not the only person the world that has got sucked into this and that there are ways out of it if you are prepared to take action that is the real value of this forum.

So day 51 GF now and the length of days between milestone numbers starts to lengthen (can I count 75 as a milestone or maybe 2 months as half the time I was gambling?) although not really sure why this matters to me. Possibly beacuse I am quite a target/numbers driven person. Did not help when I was gambling because I could never stop on say £950, it would have to be £1000 which usually meant losing. Anyway, I digress, one day at a time I guess but that goes quite slowly.

Went to counselling last night and chatted about a few things. Asked me whether I thought I had a gambling problem. Thought it was an odd question because I was there as a result of uncontrolled gambling. Guess the point he was getting at was if I was not gambling then how could I have a gambling problem. Seemed a bit chicken and egg, it only becomes a problem if I actually gamble but if I do not acknowledge that I have a problem then why would I put blocks in place and be here in first place. As usual, probably overthinking this. Just need to make sure I never gamble again using whatever methods work.

Have a successful GF day everyone

Day 52 GF and feeling good.

The idea of gambling today just seems ridiculous to me.

Sat having a cup of decent coffee having just had a good chat with wife and son planning a few bits for Christmas and a holiday for next year. Life is so good when I am not gambling.

Had a curry out last night with a few good friends I have had for over 20 years, bit of a boys night out we have 2 or 3 times a year just to make sure we keep in touch as our I lives have drifted apart a bit due to work, family etc. These are guys I have no issue giving a big man-hug in public as we say goodnight (all sober as driving!). Disappointingly I still don't think I could admit to them about my gambling issues. Says more about me than them.

Have good GF weekend everyone.

Well done on getting past 50 days, really pleased. A great achievement. “Life is so good when I’m not gambling” - keep remembering that bud.

Checking in for day 53 GF and keeping busy.

Not suggesting keeping busy is a long term coping mechanism but does seem to help.

Have a great GF day all.

Hi muststop,

Agreed, keeping busy is good but running yourself into the ground is not. This just leads to frustration in my experience, and also our willpower can be put to the test when tired physically and emotionally. I suppose it’s about finding a balance. Maybe “being productive” is something to aim for rather than just “keeping busy”?

Day 54 GF and had no urges or even thoughts of gambling ever being a positive thing over the weekend.

Paulll, you are right, being productive is a better way of looking at it and given the amount of stuff I need to do at work and home before I go on holiday with my son the week before Christmas, that is not going to be an issue.

While I am not going to let myself become complacent, I am feeling fairly relaxed at the moment as my mind is thinking less and less about gambling (both what I did and the fear of ever doing it again). I know that might sound like I am risking letting my guard down but given the financial blocks are still in force and I am self-excluded from the sites I was using for 5 years (will be permanent from all once this becomes a possibility) I am starting to think I can give myself a bit of slack. Still think I am going to step up my guard in Jan/Feb when life will get a bit less busy just to be on the safe side so will put some extra thought into that. I really don't want to slip up.

Does seems to me that advertising for online casinos is becoming ever more present on television but when I mentioned that to my wife, who probably watches more television than me, she said she honestly had not noticed. I am obviously a bit more alert to them as they still make me angry and sick in equal measures. Worrying that my wife does not notice that half the gameshows/soap operas are sponsored by online gambling sites. Our children are growing up with this being the new normal. Think I have become a bit like the reformed smokers who become the biggest anti-smoking advocates.

Hi Muststop - congratulations on day 54!

Your no nonsense attitude to gambling is such a tonic for me to read. Helps me to pull up my boot straps when I'm feeling flimsy.

I'm sure the new year won't weaken your granite-like resolve - plus I imagine it's near impossible to play online roulette while scuba diving! Although maybe David Blaine could do it - it sounds a bit like one of his endurance events.

Maybe I should take up juggling in the new year - that'll keep my hands busy from tapping away on the casino sites.

Thanks for posting in my dairy and the all support you've given me.

A Christmas holiday with your son sounds fantastic too.

Equinox wrote: I'm sure the new year won't weaken your granite-like resolve - plus I imagine it's near impossible to play online roulette while scuba diving!

Well if it comes to it I will toss my tablet and phones into the pool to stop myself gambling, think I could quite easily live "off the grid" for a while although I would obviously miss this place!

So day 55 GF and still do not want to gamble.

Think my new hobby has become swearing at the television when casino/bingo/bookies adverts or sponsorship come on. Little worried this will be my next addiction but figure it will still be cheaper and better for my self esteem than gambling.

Muststop123 wrote:

Think my new hobby has become swearing at the television when casino/bingo/bookies adverts or sponsorship come on. Little worried this will be my next addiction but figure it will still be cheaper and better for my self esteem than gambling.

Well I don't know about that ... we all know how addictions start small but build over time. Today, yes it's just shouting and swearing at the TV ... but tomorrow, the TV goes flying out the window. A replacement TV needed each day. Then it's no longer daily, it's every advert break. We're looking at major spending, might even make roulette seem the cheaper option. Wise to put blocks on your Currys, Dixons and Argos accounts now! And self-exclude from any Bang and Olufsen shops. Stick to the BBC and binge watch endless costume dramas.

And well done with 55 days! Nearly two longs months.

Day 56 GF and no broken televisions so all is good.

Really busy at work at the moment so little time to think about much else.

Day 57 GF and my resolve to not gamble remains 100%. I am not fighting urges, I just see it as a dirty bad thing to do.

Had a bit of an emotional wobble yesterday when I got a bit upset with myself thinking about my four months of stupidity. I think most of this emotion is still how ashamed I feel about my behaviour. I don't deliberately drag these negative emotions up to the front of my mind but I think my now deeply entrenched mindset that gambling equals very bad outcomes and horrible emotions/feelings is probably a major contributor to the lack of any significant urges (apart from that one unexplained episode a week ago).

I read some of the dreadful impacts gambling has had on peoples lives and do appreciate I have probably dodged a bullet here as long as I can maintain this current level of resolve to never gamble again.