Living with my biggest mistake

Hi muststop,

Thanks for your support. I won’t be gambling today, was just feeling a bit sorry for myself earlier. It can be an emotional rollercoaster this recovery, just got to try and remain positive.

Day 58 GF and feeling pretty good. No urges to gamble or negative thoughts.

Busy at work and home. Will probably get the Christmas decorations/tree out of the loft tonight ready for decorating tomorrow swiftly followed by a couple of well earnt glasses of wine.

Noticed that I have been sleeping really soundly the last few nights. Out for the count almost instantly about 11.00pm and woken up by alarm at 6.30am a bit surprised it is morning. Complete opposite of when I was gambling when I would be either gambling or worrying about gambling until the early hours and then get a couple of hours of interupted sleep until I woke up with a sickening feeling in my stomach when I realised it was all actually happening and was not a nighmare. Difficult to believe we put ourselves through this for the "enjoyment" of watching a few computer graphics spin round on a screen.

Hope everyone is keeping strong and GF.

Day 59 GF and busy weekend coming up. Gambling is not going to be any part of it.

Checking in day 60 GF.

Hope online casinos aren't expecting any donations from me because they aren't getting any.

Christmas tree is up and decorated. Bit of Christmas shopping today then out for an hours power walking, been a bit lazy about that recently.

Congratulations on 60 days and your determination to rid your life of gambling, take care S:)

Day 61 GF which I am counting as 2 months or approximately half the total time I was gambling irresponsibily so time for a bit of a stocktake:

1. Generally feeling a lot more at ease with myself. Whilst I still get upset about my past behaviour if I think about it too much, I don't get these thoughts too much. I would not say I have forgiven myself for what I did (not sure if I ever really will) but I can live with it. I don't like having this black mark on my life but there is no way to erase it so just need to accept it and learn from it.

2. Strong dislike for anything to do with gambling remains and quite happy with this as I think it helps to fight off any potential urges to gamble. I don't really feel like I am having to fight that hard because I just don't want to gamble but know I need to maintain on guard and not become complacent. I read too many diaries on here where people have managed 3 months, 6 months, a year or longer and then still relapse - really do not want to join that club. Must not forget I had one instance of wanting to gamble so still poison in my mind.

3. Financial blocks obviously still in place and to be honest I am quite happy for this to be how my wife and I manage our finances going forward indefinitely. We never had "my money" and "her money" anyway. Previously we paid all the bills and the remainder went into a savings account which happened to be in my name because I was the one most likely to hunt around for the best interest rates and move the money around. Turns out that was a rubbish idea because I would spend an evening looking for an account that gave 0.1% better rate and then waste £1000s on online casinos. So now the bills get paid and the remainder goes into a savings account in her name. Does not stop us making decisions together but gives us both peace of mind.

Will keep this diary going to help in the fight against becoming complacent.

Checking in Day 62 GF.

Checking in day 63 GF.

Stupid busy so no time to ramble on. Seriously doubt I could find time to gamble if I wanted which I don't.

Nothing to report really - all is good.

Really proud of you man, you’ve done so well. I’ve been following your diary closely.

MustStop well done on racking up the days and pleased to hear all is good.

Wilsy

Thanks for the kind words, Chris and Wilsy, very much appreciated.

Day 64 GF and not even a thought that I would consider gambling today.

Talk on the radio this morning about sports sponsorship and trying to give sportpeople support to help them avoid problem gambling. All good stuff. Representative from gambling industry comes on and is obviously just bored with whole issue, "we already do this, comply with that, fully support responsible gambling, blah blah blah". He fairly obviously wanted to get back to day job of destroying peoples lives and making them miserable. Then started talking about the take over of one big gambling company by another. Just the talk of their names still upsets me - sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Have a good day all.

Checking in for Day 65 GF and all good.

Still really busy and weekend away with friends straight after work tonight.

Getting to the point that the only time I really think about gambling is when I post on here or when I see adverts/sponsorship on television or it is mentioned on the radio.

Checking in 66 days GF.

Into day 67 GF and will not be gambling today or tomorrow.

Last week at work before finishing for Christmas on Friday so stupid busy getting everything cleared that I need to do.

Keep strong everyone.

Well done on 67 days GF and thanks for your support on my diary.

Wilsy