Lost the plot...so back.

In 9 days it will be a year.

A year since I sat on the back step, shaking and drenched in cold sweat, after losing 4k in less than an hour...taking my debts up to 22k.

364 days since the birth of my lovely daughter. Since being on a knife-edge between able to dig myself and not able to dig myself out.

I haven't told the missus, or anyone else for that matter except the counsellor. Through hard work and sacrifice I've managed to massage the debts down to around 11k, which is still 5 more than when I first came here 4 years ago...but I'm in a much better place now. Still cautious...still aware that I'm vulnerable. But I'm stronger than I have been in a long time.

I had a hidden bank statement which I've kept a4 years, from when I had a blowout in 2011. The usual thing, going from + 4k to - 5k in the space of a month; multiple withdrawals on the sam day, often to the value of thousands; the odd few grand paid in as I won, but overall a sorry, sorry show of lack of control and total loss to addiction. I was tempted to obscure the a/c details and post a link to it on here, actually, just to show how it looks when you're in 'the groove'. Anyway, I kept it all this time because I've never had the guts to read it through, but I realised I had to face it one day. Last Saturday I took it to one of my counselling sessions and we read it through together. I think she was surprised, but I wanted to do it. We talked generally about gambling, and why it was necessary for me to do it, and so on...and then I destroyed it. It still hurts, but I think I'm coming through it.

Will post more next week on my anniversary.

Thanks for reading

Hey mm,

Thank you for your lovely message, 🙂 and it's lovely to read that you are only 9 days from one year of being gamble free.

Yes it's painful when we look back at the madness, but sometimes we have to, to remind us of the utter madness that we were in the grip of, nothing stopped us, when in the oblivion of it, but we are not now lol.

Very proud of you and I look forward in welcoming you to the 3% club lol, no it's not easy at times, but it's worth it, you have done fantastic on getting the debt down too.

OAU indeed

Suzanne xxx

I don't wait til New Year's Day to say Happy New Year so decided to pop over on the eve of you joining the 3% club with my 'way to go Milky' 🙂

Nice one facing that demon the other day...I'm trying to pluck up the courage to do my tax return so I can leave those sorts of statements in my past where they 'belong' (not that they do 'belong' of course but I can't eradicate them & I mustn't forget what this evil can do)!

Great news that you are getting back on your feet with your injuries as the move gets ever closer, you continue to build on your recovery & stay on your guard 🙂

Happy Birthday to the little one 🙂 & a big fat mahusive WHOOP WHOOP for tomorrow (I know you won't let us down) 🙂

I'm not in that elite gang just yet but like you...I WILL get there 🙂

Check you out 🙂 Great work on your 1st gamble free year 🙂

Massive congratulations mm on reaching one year, it is a fantastic achievement to reach that 3% club,

You have come a lot further than you realise.

Proud of you.

Suzanne xxx

I am indeed, GT.

Thanks GT, I wished and ODAAT for dropping by and supporting me.

Yes, it's a year. Just a number, shouldn't be any different to 350 or 370 days - except, somehow,it is. I'm not sure if I've ever done a year without gambling.

I am still regularly tempted; in fact, I tried to buy a scratchcard online a few weeks ago, but forgot I'd self-excluded a year ago and it wouldn't let me have it. (With the lotto you have to phone them and un-self-exclude before they will allow you to buy them again).

I have a major test and headache in 2 weeks,which I have not yet decided how to handle. I will be in a once-every-ten-years situation with my brother which will actually put us in the casino bar on an overnight boat, alone, together. He gambles for fun occaasionally and does not have a problem. He will be very surprised and disappointed if our evening together is not as the last 3 or 4 times have been. We so rarely travel together. To be honest, I will be disappointed too.I am not seeking advice, just recording my thoughts. I could feign illness, which would be a great shame; I could tell him the truth, which is out of the question; I could take a finite amount of money, and no cards, on the boat and play a game which is not 'mine' (roulette, for example, is a game that has never really interested me much), so just sit at the table and drink and chat and play for small stakes, as he will be doing. Or I could say something like 'I am so skint at the moment, I really can't', but he would probably give me a few chips if I said that. Tricky one.

I am not going to get hung up on it too much, nor the fact that it will end my one-year run if I do it. It's an exceptional circumstance, he is sharing the driving as I move abroad, and I might have to go with the flow.

As for now, though, I am raising my glass of beer to you all and sitting in a quiet glow of satisfaction at having achieved something, for me, extraordinary - one year without gambling.

Cheers!

Nice one! You're a star my friend. Inspiration on how 'the other side' is the better side and we shouldn't be afraid to stop gambling. Life goes on and it gets better.

What about bringing up the Britain @ the Bookies program in disgust & use this as an excuse to not have a punt? Whatever happens, as long as you don't use it as a green light to go back to the misery of yesteryear it doesn't matter what your day count is! Recovery is about finding a way through this vile addiction & doing what is right for us...I think I said it before, only you will know what is right for you & you will figure out the answer on the night!

Cheers 🙂

Hi MM,

Huge congratulations on passing a year mark! I know how it feels like, some amazing achievement ☺..keep at it, please don't get complacent and keep taking one day at a time..we are not cured, never will be..but every day we abstain - we are making a progress!

Happy first bday for little angel also... awsome motivation for sure 😉

Sandra x

Congrats on 1 year bud, so sorry i was not here with you. see you are on the move, hope you and the family are doing well.

Pat

Still without internet; brief update.

On Aug 12th I gambled on the ferry as detailed in last few posts. It was intentional, measured and controlled. I played 'real' roulette, which is not my game. I played for 1 hour whilst drinking and chatting with my brother. I lost 100. I had one minor corner win and a split number. At no time did I load the table. At no time was I up. I enjoyed the drink and chat, but found the roulette boring. I was pleased I lost. My bruv won 50 and paid for all the drinks.

I suppose that ends my run, although I don't want to obsess about the numbers too much. I did not get ahit, I was p155ed off I lost, I had no hunger to return. I'm really glad I lost and it was so boring. I have not gambled since, or been tempted. I feel strengthened. I certainly could not trust myself on BJ, but I am, currently, in control of rubbish random gambling

Hi mm,

That's good you had no hunger to return as it was not your game,

Listen this addiction does not give one iota what you played it just needs one tiny opening to f**k your life up again,

Never underestimate this addiction, it can make you do things you never thought you would ever do,

Take care my friend and keep on guard.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne. You are right and I agree. But I AM OK. It was a difficult call, but this time I handled it correctly.

Hey mm,

Thanks for your continued support really appreciate it:)

No update from you 🙂 but am sure you are slowly but surely pushing through one day at a time, cos let's face it no matter what day

we are on we are all simply going at one day at a time ( with positivity of course lol)

Keep strong and stay positive my friend.

Suzanne xxx