My Diary of Shame

Ok so today I couldn't face the tube (after my mate told me it was likely to be closing due to the heat) so I flipped & I flopped towards Euston until eventually I could flip & flop no more so jumped on a bus expecting it to have air conditioning! What a fool 🙁 The bottle of water that I had consumed on my journey began to complain & I marched steely round to the toilets @ Euston & discovered I needed 30P (you can't see but I'm shouting in surprise) to get in! I didn't have the right money but right outside stood a change machine, (the only machine I ever 'won' on) & I kinda stood rooted to the spot for a minute, scared to use it, looking round for an alternative way to come up with the right money. Did I really want to spend £2.40 on a bottle of water that costs about 50p anywhere else? Nope evidently not! In went a pound, out came something shiny & I scooped it all up, no messing, & scuttled off to 'spend a penny'. It was only whilst washing my hands that it occurred to me that I had hurried right past a bookies in my quest! Progress? I think so 🙂

I have come out the other side of whatever it was that was messing with my head & making me tearful & exhausted. Whilst I can't solely contribute this to water (bleugh) I'm pretty sure it has played a part. I have also discovered a smoothie drink that I rather enjoy & despite the 29g of what I am assured are good sugars therein my brain has convinced my body that this too is good for me! Psychologically, I am therefore winning & Mr Gamble has been nowhere to be seen of late! I can't say I miss him but I kind of got used to his company & it makes me a little anxious that I don't know when he's going to spring out @ me next!

The NM has finally taken the 'always be on your guard speech' to heart & showed a degree of concern @ me meeting up with my new bezzie to make sand angels on Monday! I guess it didn't help that being from somewhere North of Watford Gap, he whiled away hours of his childhood holidays in the many arcades that SkegVegas has to offer! The strict instructions that I would be using the Sea should the 'need' arise helped to allay his fears & he saw me off with a hint of green in his eyes because 'we never go to the beach' (Kevin the teenager styley)! Yes dear, that's because we're too lazy to get out of bed & take ourselves there!

Although not my venue of choice, I have spent money in the service stations before & as I walked past the flashing lights I looked in just to wonder to myself did I miss them? Glancing guiltily @ the machines & pondering which ones I would most like to play when it hit me...Gambling is like an allergy! If you know you are allergic to nuts, thinking about them doesn't mean you have to eat them & put yourself @ risk, it can just be a check to remind you of the dangers! I don't need to feel guilty when I think about gambling as long as I continue to understand that thoughts alone are ok but the only type of action that is acceptable is prevention! The flashing lights on the way back were met with a steely glare, the demon exorcised!

We all have our own recovery journeys but @ the end of the day, they all require the same decision...To choose 'no' - ODAAT

Hi junniee,

Pleased you enjoyed your day at Skeggie on the beach lol, it sure outweighs those arcades any day. what a waste of time, never mind our hard earned money lol. and our heads HDs.

Your great determination to keep choosing NO shines through, as you are getting near to that 3%, proud of you

Blondieeexxx

Hi and loved reading your last post. So true about the toilets as when I went to see my daughter run in Marathon recently we had to wait two hours as all shops and cafes closed but had to pay but happily did as desperate lol when got to tube.

My nearest seaside town is Weston Super Mare and lovely place but hard to find the sea as its always out! but will be a test for me as havent been there since last year an going on Aug 16th for day.

Stay strong and focused.

Mary xx

Hey Odaat,
Thanks for your kind words, although nice to hear im no more of a power than anyone individual on here nor do i wish to be. We are all equal & no matter how long it was since our last bet, as we are all potentially the same amount of time away to our next one. That is what should bind us.

Higher Power hey! Anxious, terrified, confused, angry at the wording, all emotions i have encountered dealing with that concept.
My understanding around it has changed as i have continued life in recovery. It certainly doesnt have to be God. I dont believe in God so it has never been my HP. Some people do & use it as such.
Lots of people use the GA room as there HP, i did initially.
The premise of HP is fairly simple. It is just admitting that your thinking around your addiction is probably quite flawed. When we try to manage it on our own our history shows us that doesnt usually turn out great. So we make a decision to turn our managing of our addiction over to someone or thing else. The key thought process in this is that its you choosing to hand it over & not someone forcing you too. So a GA room or this forum if you prefer help to manage your addiction , two heads are better than one so to speak.
Where i see GA as having an edge in this process is experience. Lots of people at different stages in recovery as opposed to this site which on the whole are people early in recovery with the same mindset as mine was when fresh out of my madness. As time has progressed the 12 steps have become my HP. They guide me through my new life constantly challenging me to grow & change to maximum potential. A journey that never ends but with their help i get to enjoy the scenery.
The one thing we are advised should never be our HP is ourselves. Your angel/devil can become confusing sometimes. We are prone to forget which is which as addicts.
One final thing on the steps is that they are in order for a reason. Again we are advised not to move on to the next one until we have fully understood the meaning of the one we are working on, it is suggested this is talked through with your sponsor. So advice would be forget about such things as making amends for the time being that will come with time.

I think you would get a lot out of attending meetings. They do need a commitment, a few wont get you anywhere & if its not for you after giving it a fair go(12 meetings) no one will force you to stay.

Hope this hasnt made it even more confusing.

Ps You have done amazing, i couldnt have done it the way you have so far.
Pps Didnt get the out of the 2s reference

Dan

I dont think your making excuses. The beauty of the steps is that yes we revisit them all the time as new things become apparent to us. Step 10 specifically asks us to do so. It just says dont skip forward missing ones you find uncomfortable out.
I constantly re-assess 1 & 4. They are not there to undo our pasts but to accept them, to help us let go of the burden of shame & guilt, the anger, hurt & resentments of what we have done & what others may have done to us. It ultimately leads us to a place where all those things dont matter. A place where we can live our present without being drowned by our past. Its the least regimented thing in the world. There is no time limit. As Cgs we want everything sorted asap, patience isnt something that came easily to me. I plowed through the steps first time round, crossing them off, telling myself yes done that one, next. When i look back now i didnt really understand them just wanted them done. I think what steps has given me is peace & perspective & i spent a lot of time looking for it everywhere else without any joy. Its daunting but change always is isnt it. Enjoy your recovery. GA isnt going anywhere soon & your always most welcome if you want to come visit

Dan

Hi Odaat

Temptation will always be there, the secret is not to give into it, keep going.

Paul

All THREE sossies accepted Junnniee, and I had a great time last night sampling the alcoholic beverages HD.

Made me smile to think of your mutt hiding from the thunder in your NMs arms lol, especially as he is not even supposed to be upstairs, ohh, my little doggie was not bothered, she always sleeps on the bed anyway ( naughty me) but she has been in a right sulk all week since we came home, she misses the caravan, loads of family around and of ourse not forgetting my sons mutt a nutty and I mean nutty cocker spaniel, and yes before you think it , she was the boss naturally,

Keep thinking recovery as our journeys keep changing and keep winning, Mr Gamble utterly hates that.

Blondieeexxx

Hi ODAAT thanks for the comments. I'm starting to enjoy the tennis for what it is. I've watched tennis since I was 5 with my gran but betting had taking the fun of watching it away.

Congrats on your progress. I always look out for your diary entry however when your name shows up its usually writing on someone else's diary. Giving advice and support. Any post I get from you I appreciate.
Take care

Hi ODAAT
Thanks for your support and post.
Yes I miss my little girl but she was ill and 13 and just faded away
Take care
Cheryl xxx

Just thought I'd check in and say a belated congrats on your 300 days! That really is an achievement. It's great to read how much your enjoying your life now and your wise words I'm sure will help many other. Keep up the good work.

Rich x

Hi i am new to this site. The last time i gambled was friday the 3rd of july..I gambled away money i couldn't afford to gamble away but i did it thinking id win more to help me get out of other money situations..Only to find myself in more trouble. The feelings of shame and disgust overwhelm me yet i always find a way back despite putting a block on my pc i found a way around it through an i pad. Staying up all night winning and then throwing it all back in and more..I found my way here hoping with support and seeing other peoples experiences it might help me.I have also applied for online counscilling i dont want to feel this way or be this way anymore..those cramps in my stomach will never go away otherwise..i do need help and i dont want to see family and my partner dissappointed and upset anymore

Hi odaat congrats on 300 days...nearly double my tally but i will see that figure too! Keep up the great support for people on this site its such a lift when people give you a nudge and a wink on your post.

Stay strong

Hi heuly, welcome to recovery & congratulations on your 1st 3 days & the steps you have taken so far 🙂

This is a great place to have come, the experience between these walls is immense & the support overwhelming! We've all been where you are now & none of us want that for ourselves anymore! Gambling (or Mr Gamble as I call it) promises us the world, answers to our financial woes but truth is for many of us, gambling caused them...It's the problem not the solution! Us compulsive gamblers cannot win because we cannot stop but we can arrest this addiction One Day At A Time!

My damage wasn't done online & I am a dinosaur when it comes to computers so can't offer blocker advice but I do know that you need take something away from your Time-Money-Location triangle! Maybe getting someone else to manage your finances? I'm guessing your loved ones know (if not, you ought to tell them...Mr Brightside's exit post in the 2014 challenge is an important read) so lean on them if they are willing & offer them help through Gamcare if they think it would benefit them! Even consider getting shot of that iPad if it won't support the blocker?

I would thoroughly recommend a recovery diary to lean on especially when the urges hit & you need to distract yourself whilst they pass! GA is another thing you should consider.

Most important of all, you need to draw a line under your past losses & leave them in the past as you move forwards to your brighter future - ODAAT

Thankyou odaat I will try my best and its good to know there are others who know how i feel. Thankyou for the advice and the response.

Hi can anyone tell me how to start a recovery diary please ..thankyou